Back to School

Thornton Melon:
Now that's what I call Marine Biology!

Thornton Melon:
Bring us a pitcher of beer every seven minutes until somebody passes out. And then bring one every ten minutes.

Diane:
How would you characterize "The Great Gatsby"?

Thornton Melon:
He was... uh... great!

Executive #2:
The toy division has come up with a new doll idea to go along with our children's clothing line. We call them Melon Patch Kids. Now, the competition exploits the notion that their dolls are orphans. The Melon Patch Kids are not orphans... they're abandoned! We think it's a winner.

Trendy Man:
Mr. Melon, your wife was just showing us her Klimt.

Thornton Melon:
You too, huh? She's shown it to everybody.

Trendy Man:
Well, she's very proud of it.

Thornton Melon:
I'm proud of mine too. I don't go waving it around at parties, though.

Trendy Man:
It's an exceptional painting.

Thornton Melon:
Oh, the painting.

Thornton Melon:
- but a great view! You're all right, officer. Here, a little something for the kids.

Thornton Melon:
No kids? Well, get yourself some kids. Take it all.

Thornton Melon:
And just remember, the best thing about kids... is making them!

Thornton Melon:
What's your favorite subject?

Thornton Melon:
Really? Well, maybe you can help me straighten out my Longfellow.

Diane:
I'd love to go with you, but I've got a class right now.

Thornton Melon:
Well, why don't you come and see me some time when you have no class.

Lou:
I liked your other wife better.

Thornton Melon:
Hey, don't knock Vanessa; she gives good headache.

Professor Terguson:
I wasn't in a class room, hoping I was right, thinking about it. I was up to my knees in rice paddies, with guns that didn't work! Going in there, looking for Charlie, slugging it out with him; While PUSSIES like you were back here partying, putting headbands on, doing drugs, and listening to the GODDAMN BEATLE ALBUMS! OH! OH! OH!

Thornton Melon:
Home, Sweet Home.

Lou:
I liked the old house better.

Thornton Melon:
So did I.

Lou:
I liked the old wife better, too!

Thornton Melon:
[laughs] Lay off Vanessa. She gives great headache. Lou, I can't believe it. Married five years. Seems like yesterday! [sighs] And you know what a lousy day yesterday was.

Thornton Melon:
Boy, what a great-looking place. When I used to dream about going to college, this is the way I always pictured it.

Jason Melon:
Wait a minute. When did you dream about going to college?

Thornton Melon:
When I used to fall asleep in high school.

Thornton Melon:
When's our first class?

Jason Melon:
Uh, we got Economics tomorrow at 11 o'clock.

Thornton Melon:
11 o'clock? No good. I got a massage 11 o'clock. Tell 'em to make it 2 o'clock.

Jason Melon:
No, dad. Uh, you don't get it. They're not gonna re-schedule the classes around your massage.

Thornton Melon:
All right, 11 o'clock, but I'm gonna talk to that Dean. I mean, these classes could be a REAL inconvenience.

Player #1:
Hey, Lutz! You know who I am?

Derek:
Um, let me see. Uh, protruding supra-orbital ridges. [the football player picks up Derek by his shirt] Small cranium. Uh, 1300 cc brain. Hmmm. Neanderthal Man!

Player #1:
[to Jason] You. I want you to call his mother. You tell her he's never coming home.

Jason Melon:
Whoah. Hold it, hold it. You sure you even got the right guy? I mean, look how many people got blue hair these days. You know?

Player #1:
Shut up, meat-head!

Thornton Melon:
Hey, take it easy, will ya? I mean, the war's over. Get new parts for your head.

Player #1:
Yeah? Wanna make something of it?

Thornton Melon:
Oh, no, no. I never get physical. I just get upset. And when I get upset...

Thornton Melon:
[points at Lou] HE gets physical.

[Lou takes a metal napkin holder and crushes it with one hand]

Lou:
[stepping up to the player] You got a problem?

Player #1:
No. I haven't got a problem.

Lou:
Well, now you do.

[Lou slugs the football player in the stomach, resulting in a full scale bar brawl with the football team]

Security Guard:
[after Thornton Melon's run-in with a showering sorority girl] Perfectly understandable, Mr. Melon. It was an honest mistake. Let's just call it a a bad day...

Thornton Melon:
But a great view! You're all right, officer. Here, a little something for the kids. [hands officer cash]

Security Guard:
I don't have any kids.

Thornton Melon:
No kids? Well, get yourself some. Take it all. [hands officer more cash] And just remember, the best thing about kids... is making them!

Professor Terguson:
[after a student explains the reasons for the Vietnam War] Is she right? 'Cause I know that's the popular version of what went on there. And a lot of people like to believe that. I wish I could, but I was there. I wasn't here in a class room, hoping I was right, thinking about it. [shouting] I was up to my knees in rice paddies, with guns that didn't work! Going in there, looking for Charlie, slugging it out with him, while pussies like you were back here partying, putting headbands on, doing drugs, and listening to the goddamn Beatle albums! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Thornton Melon:
Hey Professor, take it easy. These kids were in grade school at the time, and as for me... I'm not a fighter, I'm a lover.

Professor Terguson:
You remember that thing we had about 30 years ago called the Korean conflict? And how we failed to achieve victory? How come we didn't cross the 38th parallel and push those rice-eaters back to the Great Wall of China? [rips a desk apart] Then take the f***ing wall apart [shouts] brick by brick and nuke them back into the stone age forever?! Tell me why! How come? Say it! Say it!

Thornton Melon:
[incensed] All right, I'll say it. 'Cause Truman was too much of a P*SSY WIMP to let MacArthur go in there and BLOW OUT THOSE COMMIE BASTARDS!

Professor Terguson:
Good answer. Good answer. I like the way you think. I'm gonna be watching you.

Thornton Melon:
[chuckling to his classmates] Good teacher. He really seems to care. About what I have no idea.

Dr. Turner:
Actually, I'd like to join you, but I have class tonight.

Thornton Melon:
Oh. How 'bout tomorrow night?

Dr. Turner:
I have class then, too.

Thornton Melon:
I'll tell you what, then. Why don't you call me some time when you have no class?

Dr. Turner:
[laughs] Alright. Maybe I will.

Jason Melon:
Dad, why don't join me on a little reality break, ok? Just cuz you're in love with Dr. Turner, that does NOT mean you're gonna pass her course. Now, you got a major paper comin' up on Kurt Vonnegut. You haven't even read any of the books.

Thornton Melon:
I tried...

[knock on door]

Thornton Melon:
I don't understand a word of it.

Jason Melon:
So, how you gonna write the paper then, huh?

[Jason opens the door to see Kurt Vonnegut standing there]

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.:
[removing his hat] Hi, I'm Kurt Vonnegut. I'm looking for Thornton Melon.

My two sons...One i put through college.... The other i put through the wall....

Thornton Melon:
I don't know. I can't figure women out. Today, they're... independent. They only think about themselves. Why, during sex, Vanessa - she used to scream out her own name!

Thornton Melon:
Don't mind Lou - he's only the second generation in his family to stand up straight.

Thornton Melon:
Please, try to understand. I don't have the background for this. I mean, the high school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity, he threw the teacher out the window!

Thornton Melon:
With the shape I'm in you could donate my body to science fiction.

Dean Martin:
[Barbay has arrived at the groundbreaking of the new Melon School of Business] Ah, Phillip... so glad you could make it. Mr. Melon, this is Dr. Phillip Barbay. He's the dean of our new Melon School of Business.

Dr. Phillip Barbay:
[Thornton extends his hand, Barbay refuses it and takes Martin aside] David, I just want to get it on record that I am totally against this. I don't think that selling admission to an obviously unqualified student is either ethical or honorable.

Dean Martin:
Uh, right... Phil. In Mr. Melon's defense, it was a really big check.

Dr. Phillip Barbay:
[glaring at Martin in dismay] It's a simple matter of undermining the efforts of our best students, who are here as the result of hard work!

Thornton Melon:
[chiming in] Hard work? Listen, Sherlock! While you were tucked away up here working on your ethics, I was out there busting my hump in the REAL world. And the reason guys like you got a place to teach is 'cause guys like me donate buildings.

Dr. Phillip Barbay:
I wasn't speaking to you, Mr. Melon. [turns on heel and heads to his car]

Dr. Turner:
[Thornton is buying books and treating everyone along the way] Who is that?

Dr. Phillip Barbay:
That... is Mr. Thornton Mellon. The world's oldest living freshman... and the walking epitome of the decline in modern education. The stupid clod thinks he can buy his way out of the gutter.

Dr. Turner:
Oh, I think he was just having fun.

Dr. Phillip Barbay:
Oh really? I can't wait to get him in my class. We'll see just how much fun he is then.

Dr. Turner:
Oh, Phillip.