Bad Movie Beatdown

[repeated line]

Film Brain:
Symbolism!

[repeated line]

Film Brain:
Because the plot says so.

[repeated line]

Film Brain:
I'm Mathew Buck, beating down bad movies everywhere.

[repeated line]

Film Brain:
Nice continuity, GUYS!

[repeated line]

Film Brain:
This is the last time we ever see him. BYE!

Film Brain:
I am a mentor. I'm supposed to die. For reals this time.

Film Brain:
If Yellowstone erupted, we'd be f***ed. Really, REALLY f***ed.

Kid:
We have tickets to go on big ship. We will live and *you* will die.

Film Brain:
Not if the plane crashes first, you little sh*t.

Charlie:
[Charlie overlooks an erupting volcano during a rear shot that shows his ass crack] I wish you could see what I'm seeing, people.

Film Brain:
This movie is a bit like staring at Woody's butt crack for 2 and a half hours.

Film Brain:
[regarding a TV press conference with "The Governator"] Not only is that the third time they've done that stupid gag, but that is the worst Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonator I've ever seen. And why do we even have a Schwarzenegger impersonator? He's not going to be governor in 2012, you idiots!

Film Brain:
You've got basic flying experience, so you should be able to handle every plane ever made.

Film Brain:
See, the 2010 Icelandic ash cloud was nothing. All we needed was a bunch of plastic surgeons with basic flight experience and they would have gotten through it with no problems at all.

Reporter:
...coincidentally, his death took place in the same Paris tunnel where Princess Diana died in 1997.

Film Brain:
First of all, if you were planning to assassinate someone, why would you stage it in the same way as a high-profile death so it looks less like an accident? Second, Roland, how tasteless of you to dig up this tragedy while simultaneously exploiting the conspiracy theories around it for your stupid movie. Top notch!

Film Brain:
Take that, you old hags with no chance of survival. How dare you be on the same road as John Cusack!

Jackson:
We have to get to Santa Monica airport.

Gordon:
Take the freeway, it'll be half the time. [the freeway is collapsing and is, of course, jammed with cars]

Film Brain:
He's the new boyfriend, he has to be wrong. The freeway? In a massive earthquake? Are you a moron?

Film Brain:
Jackson arrives at the airfield, but still has to find the map in the RV. Unfortunately the ground beneath him cracks apart. For a moment, it looks like Jackson is a goner. But, of course, Jackson is J.C., so not only does he climb up to the surface, but he manages to outrun the ash cloud and catch up to the plane. Damn, he had a good chance in the 2012 Olympics before this happened.

Film Brain:
The president decides he's going to stay with his people because... he's too old for this sh*t.

Film Brain:
What a coincidence, Jackson is not only still alive but his massively unpopular book will be saved alongside works of art like DiVinci and Picasso. Let's hope that if this event actually happens, Roland Emmerich's films will be one of the masses of culture going up in smoke.

Film Brain:
So the two families drive off the plane which always looks spectacular when you add a dozen CGI cars crashing around it.

Adrien:
[surveys a state room] You could fit ten people in here.

Film Brain:
How dare people have space, privacy and comfort.

Film Brain:
But oh no, Jackson might have been drowned in the process. Of course not, he's Jesus. Did ya really think they would kill off John Cusack? He outran a super volcano! This is the kind of sh*t you see in Disney films.

Film Brain:
Thank you, Adrien and Jackson, for saving the day with your heroics... from a crisis you caused, you blithering idiots!

Mary:
[writing herself a note] Be normal.

Film Brain:
Here's a tip, love, writing down a note to be normal, it's not normal!

Mary:
Manny says that a crossword puzzle's greatness can be determined by asking three simple questions: is it solvable? Is it entertaining? Does it sparkle?

Film Brain:
When it comes to this movie, no, no, hell no!

Mary:
You know what word you never see in crosswords? Go.

Film Brain:
As in go and f*** off.

Film Brain:
That is amazingly good parking for a car that can't reverse.

Norm:
Well I figure that when you miss a bus, maybe you were not meant to take it.

Film Brain:
Here's another home-spun philosophy: if a movie sucks, you were not meant to watch it. Oh wait, that's stupid!

Film Brain:
So, Mary has to make a Career Day presentation to some school children.

Mary:
Imagine, if you will, a world. A world where...

Teacher:
Daniel, you have a question?

Kid #1:
You make a living doing that? One puzzle a week can't earn you enough to live.

Mary:
Well, my parents have graciously permitted me to bunk at their abode, while my apartment is being fumigated...

Kid #1:
You live with your parents?

Kid #2:
You don't have a husband, do you? Or a boyfriend.

Film Brain:
Shut up, you little sh*t, or I'll sock you right in the mouth.

Film Brain:
Animal reaction shot, the laziest form of humor. Welcome to comedy hell.

Mary:
[to Steve] Do you like crosswords?

Film Brain:
Now there's an erection killer if I ever heard one.

Film Brain:
I never thought I would say this, but they actually made me want to see Sandra Bullock die slowly and painfully. That's quite an accomplishment. The other people on the bus agree with me and so the driver dumps her off in the middle of nowhere, forcing her to acquire another means of transportation.

Film Brain:
Can't that hurricane come any sooner please? As if someone divine heard me, the group of weirdos literally bump into a tornado. The Gremlin refuses to start, so we get a bizarrely, out of place sequence where they have to flee into a storm drain.

Film Brain:
You idiot! You just made this movie longer, you bastard!

Film Brain:
You can see how desperate the movie is by the tagline on the DVD: "What happens when the girl from The Proposal goes for the guy from The Hangover?" You liked those movies last summer, so please see our shitty movie! Please!

Mary:
I'm not stalking. Stalking is an obsessive pursuit of prey.

Film Brain:
Which is exactly what you're doing right now, dipstick!

Mary:
Curse words. Maybe these words aren't such a good idea in some places, such as crosswords and kindergartens. But, when amongst friends, and in a sewer, it's perfectly acceptable to have a mouth like that.

Film Brain:
Shut the f*** up.

Film Brain:
Are they the only news team on this news network? They've been to 4 different states in less than 72 hours!

Linkara:
[trying to open the door] Funk'n Wagnalls, why won't it open?

Linkara:
Frank, why is Death a woman?

Linkara:
Why is The Spirit so obessed with cats?

Film Brain:
Maybe he gets a lot of p*ssy.

Linkara:
Oh come on, man! Can we refrain from that for the next 100 minutes?

Film Brain:
The Spirit jumps on a police car being driven by Frank Miller.

Linkara:
He's obviously out to avenge this script.

Linkara:
Why are they finding all this junk in the mud?

Film Brain:
Because the script says so.

Film Brain:
Did he just break the fourth wall?

Linkara:
Don't worry, we're atop it. [audience boos]

Film Brain:
Well at least we got to see Eva Mendes' backside. Maybe this movie isn't so bad after all.

Linkara:
Who are you, Frank Miller?

Linkara:
Anyway, with his new immortality, Octopus can take over the world.

N. Bison:
Of course!

Film Brain:
Well, Linkara, you're free to go.

Linkara:
Yes, well, just a little message to whoever was behind this little flim-flam operation of yours: if you value your continued existence, if you have any hope of seeing tomorrow, let me tell you: there's one thing you never, ever put in a trap... me. [punches Film Brain]

Linkara:
Holy crap, Frank Miller makes worse puns than you, Film Brain!

Film Brain:
I never thought such a thing could be accomplished.

Octopus:
Toilets are always funny.

Film Brain:
Except when they aren't.

Octopus:
You know I don't like egg on my face. No. Egg. On. My. Face! Not a glob!

Linkara:
Ugh, these egg-related puns make me PINE for Schwarzenegger.

Mr. Freeze:
What killed the dinosaurs? The ICE age!

Film Brain:
Care to retract that statement?

Linkara:
Yes, yes I will.

Film Brain:
Hey, Linkara.

Linkara:
Hey, Film Brain. I have no idea how the hell you got your hands on Iron Man 2. I can't wait to watch it.

Film Brain:
Say, Linkara, have you checked your watch?

Linkara:
Oh, yeah... [looks at watch] No. No, it can't be.

Film Brain:
That's right, it's Miller Time. [Linkara screams]

Linkara:
You tricked me!

Film Brain:
I told you it was a Samuel L. Jackson and Scarlett Johansson movie. You just believed whatever you wanted to believe.

Film Brain:
Have a seat, get comfortable, it's going to hurt.

Linkara:
It's Frank Miller, when does it not?

Film Brain:
Given how the movie turned out, you have to wonder if Miller hated his friend.

Film Brain:
He's green-egg-and-hamming it. Get it? Because octopuses lay eggs.

Linkara:
No, I don't get it. Octopuses lay eggs?

Film Brain:
Yes, they do.

Linkara:
So not only is he making puns, he's making dumb puns because the audience isn't gonna get it. Oh Great Gatsby, it's Mr. Freeze all over again.

Linkara:
[at the reveal of Silken Floss] Yes, we get it, every woman is beautiful. We're only ten minutes into this movie and you've said it 100 times!

Film Brain:
Then we get some more wonderful dialogue from Frank Miller.

The Spirit:
I'm gonna kill you all kinds of dead.

Linkara:
Is this really meant to be taken seriously?

Film Brain:
Ten minutes ago people were being beaten over the head with toilets. The time for seriousness has passed.

[repeated line]

Film Brain:
The bear knows!

Film Brain:
Although these characters soon open their mouths and you'll wish they'd remained silent for the rest of the movie.

Prick:
I would like to get there alive rather than dead.

Film Brain:
Who says that? Honestly? It's like he knew he was in a horror movie and he read the script.

Film Brain:
It's only two minutes in and already I'd like to see them all dead.

Whiney:
Where's your gun?

Prick:
I'm outta bullets.

Film Brain:
Maybe you should have thought of that before emptying an entire round into a defenseless bear, you a**hole!

Film Brain:
So they flip the car back onto its wheels, but that doesn't resolve the fact that it won't start, so the brothers go outside to try and fix the engine, which gives the girls bonding time.

Bland:
[Slut tries to smoke, but Bland takes it away] I said no!

Slut:
Watch it, b*tch!

Bland:
Wow, you're real classy.

Slut:
Suck my dick.

Film Brain:
Her life expectancy is going down by the second, and thank God for that, because if the bear doesn't kill her, I will. What the hell does he see in this woman?

Film Brain:
Can't you just go outside, flip the car over and continue on with your annoying lives, please? So we can move on to people we actually give two shits about?

Bland:
I'm pregnant.

Prick:
You mean, like, with child?

Film Brain:
No, she's gonna give birth to a rubber chicken. Of course she's with child!

Film Brain:
That's right, Whiney, leave her with your bankrupt, embezzling brother who's probably going to prison anyway, so that she can raise your bastard child all on her own. How very noble.

Film Brain:
So that was Bear. It was completely unbearable. The characters are all completely unlikeable sacks of sh*t who lie, cheat and betray each other. The bear ends up being the most likable character. The characters constantly make stupid, implausible decisions because the script is dumb and repetitive, having to repeatedly engineer ways for why the characters haven't escaped the scenario. This cultimates in a twist that is preposterous and nonsensical, and I can't believe this extremely pretensious horror flick expects us to swallow such nonsense. On a technical level, this movie completely falls apart, particularly because of their budget. It's almost like a crash course on how not to make a film and should be avoided, because it's a total waste of time.

Film Brain:
The brothers fix the car so they can leave, and then the axle breaks and they aren't going anywhere. So basically that whole thing about fixing the car: no point to it whatsoever, because the movie keeps engineering different ways of keeping them stuck. Stall, stall, stall. This movie is less than 80 minutes long for crying out loud!

Film Brain:
So Slut is killed as Whiney makes some unflattering noises. [the actor poorly conveys emotion, which Film Brain then mocks] Whiney was very shocked that Slut was the first to die, but the audience wasn't. In fact, the bear's done us a favor. She was un-BEAR-able.

Film Brain:
Unfortunately that now means Whiney will be doubly annoying to compensate, and Prick throws his jacket on the ground for no reason. That's how upset he is.

Film Brain:
[Bland screams incoherently] I beg your pardon? You wanna repeat that again because that was definitely not in English.

[repeated line]

Film Brain:
It's a bear!

Film Brain:
It's. A. Bear! Granted it seems like a very intelligent bear, but it's still a bear! It has no concept of revenge. The only reason you're saying something this stupid is so they can put it in the trailers to make it sound epic. Even the bear thinks this dialogue sucks so it manages to stealth-attack them again.

Film Brain:
When the characters are this relentlessly stupid, they deserve to die.

Film Brain:
Ooh, how do you think he's going to weasel his way into the theme park? Because we all know Axel has an excuse for every day of the week. Ha ha ha.

Axel:
One please.

Film Brain:
Oh come on, this is Axel Foley, not Eddie Murphy in a Lions jacket. What's funny about hearing him complain about the entrace fee? Nothing. That's what regular folk do.

Film Brain:
Axel rushes onto the nearest ride, despite shunting passed... George Lucas and his wife?

Disappointed Man:
Come on, let's go.

Film Brain:
[imitating Lucas] I'll go home and add some shitty, unnecessary special effects to some of my old movies. ["Han shot first, a**hole" appears on screen]

Janice:
They don't show Mr. Foley's courage when the ride malfunctioned. He risked his life to save two children.

Axel:
Yeah, it don't show that sh*t.

Orrin:
Well that would be very impressive, if we knew for sure you didn't cause the malfunction in the first place.

Film Brain:
There's a crowd of people who saw your guards dicking with your machine that would like to disagree.

Film Brain:
It's Uncle Dave, the man behind Wonder World, who couldn't be more Walt Disney unless he was cryogenically frozen.

Uncle Dave:
It's a place of childhood innocense and fun.

Axel:
And life and death.

Film Brain:
From the writer of Die Hard, eh?

Film Brain:
We've only met three times, but because you're black, you must be the one.

Film Brain:
Each time a joke fails, an angel loses its wings.

Film Brain:
Flint has also arrived on the scene after Billy rung his pager earlier. That's right, he didn't hear the explosions or the UZI fire. This is a dumb movie.

Axel:
You alright?

Billy:
[bloodied and battered] I'm fine.

Film Brain:
I'm sorry, but when people get shot in the chest with an UZI, they die. [Billy faints; Axel and Flint laugh] Ha ha ha, he's gonna die.

Film Brain:
Oh my God, the pussification of Axel Foley is complete. Now he's a f***ing cartoon fox.

Janice:
I don't think you've seen the Tunnel of Love ride, have you, Axel?

Film Brain:
Eww, I'd rather ride on Space Mountain, thank you.

Film Brain:
Here's a hint to directors everywhere, if your script stinks, don't cover it, rewrite it!

Film Brain:
Eventually, Paramount brought the movie to the screen... in 1994. That's the movie's first real stumbling block. The Beverly Hills Cop movies were... old. I mean, the last one was seven years ago. Who did they expect would give a sh*t?

Film Brain:
They're going in to arrest some car jacking mechanics who are... dancing to the Supremes? ["Come See About Me" plays and the mechanics dance] Oh, good God. Already we see Landis' influence here, and it's woefully out of place. How about we have a fat mechanic do a hand-stand and stretch the joke to breaking point? It's just so wacky!

Ellis DeWald:
Yes!

Film Brain:
That wasn't overly dramatic or anything.

Film Brain:
[hood shoots out the radio] Thank f*** for that.

Axel:
[Todd is shot] No!

Film Brain:
Fiddlesticks, I left the oven on.

Todd:
Axel, you on a coffee break? Go get that son of a b*tch.

Film Brain:
That's right, play a significant character's death for laughs.

Film Brain:
Then we cut to Todd's funeral. Are we supposed to take this seriously? The guy whose death we played for laughs five minutes ago? Look, you can't have it both ways, movie. Pick one and stick with it.

Film Brain:
When did Axel Foley become John bloody McClane?

Film Brain:
So Axel races Uncle Dave, bleeding to death from gun shot wounds, to the hospital, because that's funny, right?

Film Brain:
And a fight ensues as Billy arrives, and because the writer couldn't figure out what to do with Janice and Billy, locks them in the chamber for a bit. Now that's crappy writing.

Film Brain:
Back on the ride, we get Axel and DeWald facing off. DeWald shoots Axel in the arm before they engage in some far-too-brutal fighting. [DeWald slams Axel's head against the ride repeatedly] Jesus, this is meant to be a comedy, right? I've seen less blood in real fights.

Film Brain:
[Axel shoots DeWald dead] Wow, how anti-climactic. The final fight lasted a whole minute. Sucktacular.

Film Brain:
Realistic exit wounds. Just what we needed in a lighthearted, summer blockbuster.

Rap Critic:
Anything with Martin Lawrence is cruel and unusual punishment, you know that.

Rap Critic:
Yeah, I know why you want me to review that movie. It's because I am...

Film Brain:
A student at an arts college.

Rap Critic:
Uh... yeah.

Film Brain:
They enroll at a female arts college, and hilarity and hijinks ensue. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?

Rap Critic:
Uh, nothing. I thought you were gonna say because I'm a rapper.

Film Brain:
Well there is a rapper in it.

Rap Critic:
Of course there is.

Rap Critic:
I go to an arts school. This is not a thing that happens.

Film Brain:
I live on planet Earth. This is not a thing that happens there either.

Todd in the Shadows:
Didn't we already review this one? It was called Sunday School Musical?

Film Brain:
No, that movie didn't have fat suits in it.

Todd in the Shadows:
God be with you.

Film Brain:
I think the real question is, why does Malcolm need a synthetic vagina in his fat suit?

Rap Critic:
Could you say the synthetic thing again?

Film Brain:
Synthetic va-gin-ah. [Rap Critic looks away in dismay]

Film Brain:
Trent pulls the fire alarm in full view of everyone and doesn't get in trouble for it, because the movie would be over if he got expelled. Trent gets dragged clothes shopping by Hailey, because women be shopping for clothes and that's all they do!

Rap Critic:
Trent goes on a boring date with Hailey. You know, for a slick rapper stereotype, he sure does suck at talking to girls. For a guy who's hiding from a criminal, you sure do suck at not being in public.

Film Brain:
Thankfully they don't actually play any sex games, but close enough, they play Twister because, tee-hee, it's a bit like having sex.

Big Momma:
You puttin' on this front of toughness. Tryin' to act all grown up. You a good, sensitive girl, no different than Big Momma. You strong willed, ya just tryin' to take care of da people who depend on you.

Rap Critic:
No, she's not.

Film Brain:
Yeah, she was certainly protecting people when she stole that rooster, or the fact that she hasn't been anything but a cow to everyone. Yeah, come to think of it, I really don't think she's been protecting anyone. So the not-sensitive girl confesses she made Hailey steal the music box. Remember, she was protecting people.

Trent:
I realized, there's no rush for greatness.

Rap Critic:
But there's an express lane for failure.

Trent:
[in cognito as a girl, looking at another girl coming out of the shower] Dayum!

Rap Critic:
Yep, that's gonna be most of the movie: stupid jokes about how horny Trent is. Jesus, like he's never heard of this thing called self damn control.

Film Brain:
And it makes me wonder how they even pass as women. I mean, they look so fake. Trust me when I say HD is not this movie's friend.

Rap Critic:
Good eyesight is not this movie's friend.

Trent:
Damn... damn!

Rap Critic:
"Damn, damn, damn." Jesus, the stereotypical black guy from Not Another Teen Movie had more variation of dialogue.

Film Brain:
Oh, she hates him, yet she'll go on a date with him so they can get together at the end of the movie. Is ANYTHING in this film not a cliche?

Film Brain:
I guess he won't be using that synthetic vagina tonight.

Film Brain:
Trent's boring date continues as Cherkov's men are lead right to him, because he's an idiot, and then they share a romantic piano scene, which is your cue for a piss break.

Rap Critic:
You ever walk into a room and leave and then forget why you went in there in the first place? You know that feeling? Yeah, that must have been everyone who went to see this in theaters, and wait, why does my wallet feel lighter?

Rap Critic:
We would like to remind you that stereotyping is wrong. Not all black people say damn at everything.

Film Brain:
Not all blonde women are b*tches.

Rap Critic:
And not all black people own fat suits.

Film Brain:
This has been a public service announcement brought to you by Film Brain and The Rap Critic.

Rap Critic:
Yeah, look, dude, you just spent half of a Big Momma's House sequel dressing as a girl. The worst time for you to brag about how awesome you are would be at the end of that.

Rap Critic:
Now usually when someone does a review like this, they first like to talk about the other movies, but I can't remember them and honestly, I have better things to do with my time. [scene cuts to Rap Critic staring at a wall] This drying paint is awesome.

Film Brain:
He's luckier than I am.

Rap Critic:
I don't think this is paint.

Film Brain:
[about Big Momma's House 2] That's about it beside the fact it has no reason to exist.

Rap Critic:
If it has no reason to exist, why is there a third one?

Film Brain:
Because the other two made money, Martin Lawrence needed a house payment, and they wanted to cash in on bloody Glee.

Rap Critic:
Glee?

Rap Critic:
Shouldn't you inflict this on Todd in the Shadows?

Film Brain:
Ah, but I plan to inflict Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel on him some day.

Rap Critic:
Just because you can rhyme the words "lyrical" and "miracle," does not mean that you are one.

Malcolm:
Now I gotta go to work. Some of us work. I'm on da grind.

Rap Critic:
Yes, Trent, be like your dad, who likes to abuse his FBI powers, chase mailmen and dress up like your grandmother.

Film Brain:
He's definitely a role model you'd want to emulate.

Rap Critic:
You want him to sign the contract while he's on duty? Oh my God, that's so crazy, it will never even remotely work. Seriously, the guy's an FBI agent. In what instance would he be willing to randomly sign his name on a piece of paper?

Film Brain:
Well I suppose they had to find SOME way of working him into the plot of this film.

Rap Critic:
Following a trail of bread crumbs to the scene would have made more sense.

Jasmine:
I'm Jasmine, and here's the 411 you probably didn't get on your tour: I call the shots around here.

Film Brain:
Token blonde b*tch character.

Rap Critic:
Check.

Rap Critic:
Aw, why would you wanna dump her? She's kinda cute.

Film Brain:
[imitating Big Momma] Well dat's what these movies are about, child. Big Momma teachin' women to listen up, because if ya can't trust a man in drag, honey, who can ya trust?

Rap Critic:
That was really... really creepy.

Film Brain:
Ooh, exactly!

Film Brain:
Meanwhile, Trent is discovering the most mysterious woman thing of all: slumber parties! Oh my goodness, no man has ever gone into this territory before. It's almost like this movie was written by men.

Hailey:
So, this was just some kind of job?

Rap Critic:
I mean, I'd have been okay if you dressed like a chick for a hobby, but for some job? That's unforgiveable!

Film Brain:
And aren't music boxes supposed to play music?

Rap Critic:
No one cares about details like that.

Film Brain:
[When Big Momma raps] That's it, rap is dead.

Rap Critic:
I would just like to personally apologize for letting anybody know this happened.

Film Brain:
[about the movie] Just WHY?

Film Brain:
Basically, the film's humor relies on the three F's: farting, f***ing and more f***ing farting!

Film Brain:
Murder is empowering for women, and if you have an abusive spouse you should kill them.

Film Brain:
Of course, The Black Dude Dies First. How? He fell three feet! How the f*** did that kill him?

Film Brain:
I'm getting the very subtle impression that he might be a douchebag.

Film Brain:
These kids have just seen their father abuse their mother, and they're playing with toys and asking for more? Shouldn't they be a little bit upset? Not, "Mom, I want a Nintendo Wii for Christmas."

Film Brain:
The widespread adoption of mobile phones must be one of the worst things to have ever happened to horror movies, since now every movie now has to include a bullshit explanation for why they can't use their phone, like losing their battery or their signal. It's become a laughable cliche.

Film Brain:
Also, why is the Asian guy gagging? He didn't react like that when they shot the mall cop twice in the head earlier.

Film Brain:
Meanwhile, Della goes and takes a piss in a stream, because it was vitally important that we see that.

Film Brain:
Um, you know, she has lead to the deaths of three of your gang members tonight. Maybe now might be a good time to just... turn around? I'm just saying, you know... might be wise. You're not going to obey me, are you?

Film Brain:
Wow, she just gave her kids the greatest Christmas present of them all: adoption.

Film Brain:
Christmas is all about the material trappings, and not conforming to this is selfish.

Film Brain:
Seriously, man the f*** up.

Film Brain:
So the film starts with Tim Allen and Jamie Lee Curtis in bed, looking miserable. I think this is probably because they just saw the script.

Film Brain:
Also, get used to everyone hysterically overacting to this. Apparently skipping Christmas is like revealing you're a Nazi.

Film Brain:
M. Emmet Walsh, what the hell are you doing here? Isn't there a Coen Brothers movie you should be doing?

Film Brain:
Gah! It's Max Headroom! No, it's Tim Allen doing a painfully stupid gag about botox injections. Wasn't the whole point of this to save money?

Nora:
Blair is never going to know about your stupid, ridiculous, childish scheme of skipping Christmas.

Film Brain:
Isn't that nice? If you go on a cruise for Christmas, you're stupid, childish and ridiculous. Happy holidays!

Film Brain:
Luther is sent to get the tree, but there's only one left. The one he hit with his car.

Luther:
How much is it?

Scout Leader:
$75.

Luther:
The sign says $15.

Scout Leader:
Supply and demand. The scouts sure could use your $75 donation for their camping trip, Mr. Krank.

Film Brain:
Stick it up their ass and go somewhere else. I'm pretty sure that's not the only tree around. So, Luther buys the tree because he's an idiot.

Luther:
Thanks, Spike.

Film Brain:
Thanks, Spike? I think the first thing I'd say is, "hey, Spike, wasn't it nice of you to ditch me when the cops arrived?"

Nora:
[shouts excitedly] Can I buy your ham?

Film Brain:
Yes, you crazy b*tch, just please don't scream at me again.

Nora:
Your ham, see, it's the last one and my daughter Blair she's... in the Peace Corps and I'd be willing to pay anything above sticker price.

Film Brain:
It's okay, dear, the men in white coats are coming to get you.

Luther:
So where's the Hickory Honey Ham?

Nora:
[seething with fury] Never... say... Hickory Honey Ham again.

Film Brain:
[thunderclap] Okay, okay, just don't scream.

Film Brain:
So Blair calls again, and I love how we neither see nor hear her during the conversation. Not so much a character, so much as a plot device, hmm?

Frohmeyer:
Guys, you better go to the airport.

Officer Salino:
Why's that?

Frohmeyer:
Blair needs a ride home.

Officer Salino:
I don't know if we can do that.

Frohmeyer:
[narrows his eyes and sounds serious] Should I call the chief?

Film Brain:
Who would tell you that they are the police, not a goddamn taxi service.

Film Brain:
[as Luther is setting up Frosty by himself] Why couldn't he just ask the neighbors who wanted to celebrate Christmas with them to help? Um... because Luther's an idiot?

Frohmeyer:
We're a community, and the people in a community stick together.

Film Brain:
Which is why you accepted the Kranks' plans even if you didn't agree... oh, wait.

Frohmeyer:
Why should the daughter pay for the sins of the father?

Film Brain:
Going on a cruise for Christmas is a f***ing sin now?

Officer Treen:
What was that about time?

Officer Salino:
Er... crime. Possible, um, domestic disturbance.

Film Brain:
Because that's what I want to think about at Christmas.

Luther:
We spent $6,100 on Christmas last year.

Film Brain:
Holy sh*t balls! Who spends that sort of money on Christmas? Luther must be made of money. How much does he earn? Does he, like, buy all new decorations every year?

Film Brain:
The film stars Tim Allen, the perennial Christmas favorite. [rolls eyes]

Film Brain:
Luther then types out a letter which he sends to every single employee that he will not be celebrating Christmas. Okay, who does this? At all? I mean really, Luther, you're not the first person to go on holiday for Christmas. Stop being a cock about it!

Film Brain:
[the Kranks are at a tanning salon. Nora is in a revealing bikini] My God, Jamie Lee Curtis IS a woman. The rumors were false. Luther comes out, and well, if there's one thing I didn't want to see, it's Tim Allen's bulging sac of presents.

Luther:
We made the front page.

Film Brain:
The front page? The front PAGE? What sort of world is this movie living in? News flash! People go on holidays for Christmas!

Film Brain:
Oh right, I forgot, they can't call the police because Luther pissed them off. You know, because the police force in this city apparently consists of only two people.

Film Brain:
[imitating Schwarzenegger] I need to get da Turbo Man, I mean, da ham! Out of my way, Sinbad... I mean, woman!

Film Brain:
So it's Christmas Eve and the Kranks are getting packed for their vacation. However, Blair calls home with some news.

Blair:
I'm in Miami and I'm coming home for Christmas.

Luther, Nora:
What?

Film Brain:
But that's not all.

Blair:
I'm with Enrique, he's Peruvian. He's asked me to marry him.

Luther, Nora:
What?

Blair:
And I really want to.

Film Brain:
Holy crap, girl, slow down a bit!

Blair:
He wants to have a house full of kids.

Film Brain:
Really, REALLY slow down a bit.

Film Brain:
Come on, wring that sympathy. Wring it hard!

Film Brain:
But look here, the token black family is coming to visit relatives for Christmas.

Wes:
You break one ornament, we're both dead.

Luther:
I'll leave it just like I found it.

Film Brain:
Of course he won't break any ornaments. That would be too predictable. So Luther enlists the aide of Frohmeyer's son, Spike, to help move the tr... [ornament breaks] Dammit, I did not see that one coming. You know what else I didn't see coming? A neighbor thinking he's robbing the house. I love being able to get to plot points before they happen, it reminds me of how creative we all really are.

Film Brain:
Due process is for pussies.

Film Brain:
No, go back into the house, not around the corner. See now there's the evil dude! No don't run towards the giant serpent you fool! Oh, see? You're dead now. You're dead because you're stupid. You're stupid and you're dead!

Film Brain:
Cut the patronizing narration, Romero! Surely you of all people should understand the necessary subtly required. I swear, this movie would be an hour long if it wasn't for these.

Film Brain:
Romero's gotten so sloppy in his old age that he's forgetting basic continuity!

Film Brain:
So Jason goes off to get himself killed, because Romero thinks bloggers would rather die than survive for some reason. Jason gets attacked off camera. Symbolism!

Film Brain:
Symbolism... again?

Film Brain:
People panic when they get scared? No sh*t, Sherlock. I mean for crying out loud, you don't need narration to tell you the blooming obvious!

Debra:
It's funny, you spend so much time resenting your parents. Separating yourself, building your own life.

Film Brain:
Speak for yourself, you little b*tch. I happen to like my parents, thank you very much.

Tony:
She just killed three people back there. Three living, breathing people like us.

Film Brain:
Shut the f*** up, you douchebag! Not only were they blatantly zombies, but I think she has enough guilt without you calling her a murderer, you twat!

Film Brain:
Because the first thing I notice about a guy who's on fire is how stupid his hat looks.

Film Brain:
It's really sad when Romeo, who used amazing practical effects in his previous zombie movies, uses abysmal CGI gore. Tom Savini is sorely missed.

Reporter:
If we don't stop the slaughter within three days, our death rate will quadruple. Within ten days, it will have risen by 100%.

Film Brain:
That doesn't make sense. If something is quadrupled, it is 400% higher than it was before. I think Romero is getting a bit old, he's forgetting basic math skills. I think he may need to see a doctor.

Film Brain:
Really? The news is recut so it looks like white people shooting immigrants? What the hell are you even talking about, Romero? I mean, this social commentary is so outdated, he'll be talking about the L.A. riots next.

Film Brain:
It's comforting to know that even in times of chaos, the internet will still be working. So remember, even after the world has gone to sh*t, you can still watch Channel Awesome while sat next to a flaming barrel for warmth.

Film Brain:
Jason proceeds to get lost in a warehouse corridors. A sequence POV would be perfect for, and that could be suspenseful. Unfortunately Romero totally ruins it by cross-cutting with people not doing much of anything, completely deflating suspense.

Film Brain:
Cameras don't kill people, editing does!

Film Brain:
And it seems the audience has just paid for a low-grade Youtube Poop on the big screen!

Film Brain:
She can't read! LAUGH!

Film Brain:
THAT'S THE SAME JOKE! With ONE word changed! The same joke! This isn't parody or plagiarism, this is downright THEFT!

Film Brain:
I'm too old for this sh*t.

Film Brain:
Interestingly, the film opens without a Fox logo insight, despite them being the distributors of the movie. And believe me, when Fox takes their name off a movie, you know it's bad.

[after a parody of Snakes on a Plane]

Film Brain:
Jesus! Rule of Comedy 95: doing a bad impersonation and then doing it three times does not make it funny! At least in the unrated version, this so-called joke actually remains intact. In the PG-13 theatrical cut, all instances of "motherf***er" are replaced with "goddamn," managing to ruin what little joke there was to ruin in the first place!

Film Brain:
I'm reviewing Epic Movie, or as I like to call it, Epic Fail.

Film Brain:
From sh*t-meisters Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, a.k.a. Seltzerberg, Epic Movie is a 2007 cash-in on... everything released 18 months prior, or thereso abouts.

Film Brain:
David Carradine? What the hell, man? You're Bill! You're the king of cool!

Film Brain:
Personally, I find this as arousing as a bowl of noodles, but hey, I'm not 12-years-old.

Film Brain:
[a naked woman runs past the camera] I'm guessing THAT wasn't in the PG-13 version.

Film Brain:
So, they're greeted by the Willy Wonka lookalike, Willy, played by... what the f***? Crispin Glover? From George McFly to THIS? And this was the guy who accused Spielberg of being money grubbing. Talk about a hypocrite.

Film Brain:
Wow, something that resembles satire. And it still sucks.

Film Brain:
Hmm, if I were making a comedy with no sense of humor and the mentality of an 8-year-old, what would I put in now? Oh, Borat! Chuck in a Borat impersonator in a suit. You know, completely miss the point of the movie I'm supposed to be satirizing!

Film Brain:
How the hell did they get Fred Willard and Jennifer Coolidge? Did they think they were making a Christopher Guest movie or something?

Film Brain:
[Aslo is killed] Oh no! Aslo, I cared so much! Especially since that fight scene was entirely pointless.

Film Brain:
They can kill as many men as they like. But women, children, and puppies? Those motherf***ers.

Professor Celluloid:
And now, ze stunning conclusion, ha ha ha.

Professor Celluloid:
A film's comedic value is inversely proportional to its budget. This is why films like... The 40-Year-Old Virgin is much funnier than films like... Evan Almighty, which is schei?e!

Film Brain:
Ah, Molly Shannon! Shoo, shoo! Get away!

Film Brain:
Cue the bird sh*t.

God:
I now issue a new commandment.

Film Brain:
Wait, what the...

God:
Thou Shalt Do the Dance.

Film Brain:
Oh God, no!

Film Brain:
So we begin this very subtle parody of Northern England on Sh*t Street. Yes... yes, we are.

Film Brain:
Gross and disgusting is not the same thing as comedy!

Film Brain:
I hate this job sometimes.

Film Brain:
Meanwhile, San and Tray's boyfriends have been shipped into Afghanistan where they bonk the local women. I'd tell them to get f***ed, but they already are.

Film Brain:
Why am I looking for logic in a film where Jerry O'Connell's penis gets bitten off mid-B.J.?

Film Brain:
Hello and welcome to the April Fools edition of Bad Movie Beatdown. Unlike the other videos out today, you're not the fool, I'M the fool.

Film Brain:
Would you buy this? I would, but I'm an idiot.

Cop:
Get on the radio. I think we'd better call in Immigration.

Film Brain:
I say call the exterminators and have done with it.

Tracey:
Page? As in three?

Film Brain:
Let me try! Okay, um... Page, more like book. Ha ha ha, yeah, I hate myself now.

Immigration Officer:
Whaddya think? 'Couple Shiites?

Film Brain:
The funny part is that it sounds like 'shite', and the joke is.

Film Brain:
Its like the movie finds news ways of being repulsively unfunny.

Film Brain:
Oh God, there's so much stupid in one place. I can feel my sanity starting to crack! [later] I heard the crack! THERE IT GOES!

Film Brain:
Believe me, British comedy isn't all Monty Python and Black Adder, as this skid-mark proves.

Film Brain:
We even have roach-cam at one point.

Film Brain:
It's a bloody good thing they don't hire Naomi Campbell to act.

Film Brain:
And looky here, here's another British comedian slumming it for a check. In this case, Angus Deaton. I'm trying to work out whether this was pre or post coke addiction. Either way, it explains the desperation.

Film Brain:
I don't know which is worse, the cheap fat suits or the stupid joke with the classical music, who I'm guessing is not Susan Boyle.

Film Brain:
That's it, I'm asexual.

Film Brain:
Look at him, you can see he's trying not to laugh. He's the only one who is.

Film Brain:
They even can't stop fighting when the Secretary General of the United Free World arrives to make them ambassadors for safe sex. Ha ha, irony.

Film Brain:
Because nothing solves head injury like another crack to the skull.

Film Brain:
I can see why those fiberglass phones never quite caught on.

Film Brain:
Rollercoasters don't work that way. They use air.

Narrator:
So he did what no other rider has ever done before: he outran the Devil.

Film Brain:
How exactly does one outrun the Devil? Sure it sounds cool, but he's the DEVIL! The embodiment of evil. If he wants something, he takes it. He's the bloody Devil!

Film Brain:
One thing that is immediately apparent is that Barton smokes, and that every time he does so, he hacks up a lung. I'm sure that doesn't mean anything. [Barton coughs violently then reaches for his cigarettes; Film Brain imitates his coughing] Ooh, man, I wonder what's causing that coughing? Pass me those smokes.

Film Brain:
You're leaving? But I just carved onto this tree that we'd be together forever. Noooooo!

Film Brain:
But he's a stuntbiker, so there's probably not much going on in his head.

Film Brain:
Johnny tries to ride away on Grace, his father's bike which he gave to him before he died, but suddenly Mephistopheles appears in front of him, causing him to crash. If he can do that, why didn't he do that at the start of the movie? Outrun the Devil, my ass.

Film Brain:
So Johnny makes the jump and you know what? I don't care. This is irrelevant. There's no tension, because we know he can't die, and all we're asking ourselves is when is Ghost Rider gonna show up?

Film Brain:
Roxanne doesn't seem like a fully developed person either, because she consults her magic 8-ball when Johnny is late. What are you, six years old, woman? Anyway, Johnny notices that his hands are getting hot, which is either due to furious masturbation, or because the Ghost Rider might actually bloody appear now!

Film Brain:
Hey Nic, how about a shower? Nice CGI six-pack ya got there. That and the wig obviously don't make it obvious that you're ten years too old for this part.

Film Brain:
With the opening credits rolling, they start on their road trip across the country to Florida. Well at least the movie is setting the right stage for the stupidity to follow. These two should fit right in.

Film Brain:
[about Joe and Gus's "catchphrases"] They put them in so often I do wonder if they actually thought people would walk out of the film quoting them. It's a ten plus on the irritating scale. Borderline infuriating.

Film Brain:
And it's here that we discover they've named their boat "Jogus." I don't know if they're trying to be romantic with these two, it's just sort of hanging there. A sort of "half-joke" if you will.

Film Brain:
And no, I'm not going to do a 'women drivers' joke, even if the opportunity is staring me in the face, thank you.

Film Brain:
It turns out Dekker is having a pee and... bloody hell! I think Joe's gonna whale on him with a crowbar Casino-style. Remember what movie you're in, Joe. It's rated PG!

Joe:
[Gus finds a knife with blood on it] Hey, we'll use it to scale our fish.

Gus:
Yeah, that's a good idea. We can use it to scale our fish.

Film Brain:
Seriously? You find a bloody knife that clearly belongs to the guy who stole your car that might have been used in a serious crime, and all they can think about is using it to gut fish? Yeah, I know that's the joke, but it's a bad one.

Joe:
The knife! With the blood on it.

Gus:
Yeah, with the blood on it.

Joe:
He used it to stab that poor old lady.

Gus:
Yeah!

Film Brain:
It only took you a TV news report for you to figure out that blatant bit of evidence? And considering this was at one point a Disney flick, the fact that the bad guy is a murderer seems quite dark and ill-judged for what was mostly an innocent and light-hearted comedy.

Film Brain:
But of course we can't actually allow them to do any fishing, so it goes straight into wacky antics as Gus accidentally breaks the accelerator, sending them hurdling on a run away boat.

Film Brain:
Yep, they bought an overpriced piece of crap that keeps breaking. Bet you didn't see that coming from the next town over.

Film Brain:
At this point, a movie where two blokes simply fish for 90 minutes would be more enjoyable.

Joe:
That's it? Kirk, I'm not exactly a little kid, y'know, I can drink a full glass.

Film Brain:
No, you are like children, I don't think you can handle a full glass. And we've already soon you sober, I'd hate to think what you're like intoxicated.

Film Brain:
So let's take this fish and give it a good gutting and de-boning for a delicious beatdown. And even by my standards that was incredibly forced.

Film Brain:
I do have to wonder how they came up with fishing as a subject matter. I can't think of anything more mind-numbingly boring to children than sitting in a boat for ages, waiting for something to bite the end of your hook. Kids like activity and excitement. Last I checked, A River Runs Through It was not on every lunchbox in primary school.

Film Brain:
The only notable thing that happens is that there's an appearance from Joe Pesci's ex wife, Claudia Haro, as a hot babe... who is now in prison for attempted murder. Well that certainly adds a whole new dimension to the "look but don't touch" gag running through the scene.

Film Brain:
They might as well have thrown the script overboard while they were at it, because at least then nothing of value would have been lost.

Film Brain:
[after the hotel explodes] I'm pretty sure the hotel manager just died, considering he got a gas explosion to the face. And they've endangered the other guests too while they're at it. But I guess they deserved it for being snooty. That'll show those snobs.

Film Brain:
It's reassuring to know that in spite of the massive property damage, at least they won't be wanted for manslaughter by the invisible Florida police.

Film Brain:
[Joe is struck by lightning] Even God Himself seems annoyed at this feeble comedy and has see fit to kill Joe Pesci to end things prematurely. Look at his smoking corpse... oh crap, he's still alive.

Film Brain:
You know, it's scenes like this where Joe Pesci repeatedly punches and kicks a clearly fake prop alligator in a scene that even kids will likely find stupid that make we wish they could revoke Oscars. Well that and the entirety of Cuba Gooding Jr.'s career.

Kirk:
If you see them, you tell them that I love them very much and that I want to see them again, and that they are very nice, very attractive boys.

Film Brain:
Seriously? A creepy gay joke in a family comedy? Where the hell did that come from? I'm starting to understand why Maury Chaykin is one of the many character actors who decided to go uncredited.

Film Brain:
Between this and The Marine, if your film is set in a backwater swamp, you must make a reference to Deliverance. I hear that child audiences and their parents really appreciate references to Ned Beatty's sodomy.

Film Brain:
And it's also fitting that the last shot of the movie is them mooning the audience.

Film Brain:
So on their travels they met a dark, vaguely sinister British dude who's wearing a suit despite the scorching Florida weather, given '90s film trends I think this might be the baddie. Of course these two twits obviously can't deduce subtle nuances like lazy writing cliches and take this friendly stranger at his word, not notcing he's taken a distinct fancy to their car keys, which they're all too happy to show him, let him hold them and then promptly forget to ask for them back.

Film Brain:
[about kids using very blue language] Holy sh*t! Did these parents not read the f***ing script? What kind of f***ed up parent do you have to be to let your kids act out scenes like this? Seriously, who's decision was it to have a 10-year-old girl force herself onto a boy and try to essentially rape him?

Stu:
[Charlie accidentally spills wine on his crotch] It looks like cum. Ha ha ha, it looks like cum.

Film Brain:
Ha ha ha. I'm an incredibly irritating f***-wit that thinks everything is a sex joke! B*OBS!

Film Brain:
They try really hard to make him a nice guy, but he just comes off as an a**hole.

Stu:
Reba? You slept with Reba? You're telling me that you have the power to turn any hot chick out there into a nut-gobbling, lance-waxing flesh-monger, and you're plowing the back 40 with Reba?

Film Brain:
Oh shut up, you disgusting, sexist pig! I thought Dan Fogler was bad as a second-rate Jack Black in Balls of Fury, but as a third-rate Seth Rogan impersonator, he's somehow even worse.

Stu:
Hey, was Martin Luther King Jr. taking advantage when he said that thing in that place? I don't think so.

Film Brain:
You just compared the black civil rights movement to a guy having sex. Wow! Joke fail! Joke fail!

Film Brain:
Charlie, just so you know, women don't tend to date guys who whore themselves out like a gigolo. But then she turns around and invites him out on a date anyway, which underminds what she just said entirely.

Film Brain:
So we get this "hysterical" sequence of Charlie taking her out on a date, and being repulsed by her very being, which gives Dane Cook every excuse to mug like a jackass.

Film Brain:
He does have sex with her, which I'm sparing you from with this clip of him scrubbing his balls.

Charlie:
I can't believe I trusted you, Stu. You f***ed me.

Film Brain:
You mean my prejudice, self-obsessed, mean-spirited douchebag of a friend is a liar? I feel so betrayed. Why are we friends? No, seriously, why are we friends?

Charlie:
Please just don't say it's over.

Film Brain:
Prepare for clich? dumping in three, two, one...

Cam:
It's over.

Film Brain:
[toilet flushes] And good riddance.

Film Brain:
[after Charlie drops his pants in public] Dude, at least go inside! You could be put on a sex offenders' register for that! And she has a daughter now, I think she's seen a penis.

Film Brain:
I'm going to put this briefly, because I've said everything I wanted to say already. This is a hateful, sexist movie that operates in a complete moral vacuum that is painfully unfunny, largely due to the smug, overracted performance of Dane Cook, who fails to be likeable. The sex is a coarse and uncomfortable fit with the mean-spirited slapstick comedy and the script is astonishingly dumb. Dan Fogler delivers the worst comedy performance I've ever seen. I HATED this offensively terrible movie. The fact that this got made in 2007 is frankly astonishing.

Cam:
[Cam slips and falls into the water, hitting her head on the edge in the process] I think I chipped a tooth.

Film Brain:
Chipped tooth? After a face-plop like that, she should have a broken nose and be bleeding everywhere. Oh, but we can't have that. She's gotta be beautiful at all times.

Film Brain:
But I'll gladly take pointless over this next scene, where Charlie gets back to find his receptionist had broken into his apartment and wants to have her way with him. God, how many crimes were committed in that last sentence alone; and I'm including the ones against cinema.

Film Brain:
After watching a penguin take a sh*t and eat it, which is the moving experience for this movie in a nutshell...

Film Brain:
Meanwhile, Joe notices that his sister is sad and offers her advice. Yes, the guy who spends his whole day smoking weed is the one offering relationship advice.

Joe:
Maybe you reacted too harshly. You should call him.

Cam:
I can't, Joe. You saw him, he's crazy.

Joe:
If you love something, sometimes you just wanna be surrounded by it.

Film Brain:
Eww, that's not romantic, that's creepy! You know that statement could be construed as being pro-stalking; and there is absolutely no defending his behavior, pothead!

Film Brain:
That's right, we really are going to end this movie with a run through an airport to chase a partner, just like every other romantic comedy ever written. Just once I'd like to see someone get dogpiled by airport security for trying to attempt this.

Film Brain:
I can't believe I'm saying these words, but I feel sorry for Rob Schnieder.

Film Brain:
[re: Adam Sandler] Or maybe I don't like him purely because he keeps his friends Rob Schneider and David Spade in work thanks to his production company. I mean, it's nice that he helps his friends out, but Dickie Roberts? Deuce Bigelow? The formerly reviewed Paul Blart: Mall Cop? It reads more like a rap sheet!

Film Brain:
I didn't know the WGA let you take credit for something you wrote on a cocktail napkin.

Film Brain:
Seriously, you roll your eyes at the fact they act like irritating hell spawn, maybe you shouldn't have brought the goddamn nanny along for the bloody weekend! Here's a tip for you, Lenny, learn responsibility!

Film Brain:
Do you remember when Chris Rock was considered to be an edgy comedian? Those were the days.

Film Brain:
I can't believe I have to explain this to a bunch of comedians, but if you have to explain it's a joke, it's not funny!

Film Brain:
Get it? It's funny 'cause he's fat.

Film Brain:
And then Kevin James dances with the KFC bucket on his head. So much for the sadness of loss.

Film Brain:
If they were this stupid as kids, I'm surprised they made it to puberty.

Film Brain:
Of course this is just an excuse for more prat-falls, which I suppose is funny if you like people falling face-first into sh*t. And why else would you be watching this otherwise?

Rob:
[having been shot in the foot with an arrow] Get some alcohol on this b*tch!

Film Brain:
Or, I don't know, go to a hospital! And get Kevin James an x-ray while you're at it.

Film Brain:
Rob Schneider, you predictable butt monkey.

Film Brain:
I love how this movie preaches going outside and having fun when we're sat in doors watching THEIR shitty film, wishing we were having fun.

Film Brain:
The dude works as a cook and you're a Hollywood super agent. I think you won the war.

Film Brain:
I think it's safe to say we've learned absolutely nothing.

Film Brain:
If you think that premise is anorexically thin, then you should try to see how it stretches to microscopic.

Film Brain:
Continuing the schlubby guy/hot wife trend, Eric is married to Maria Bello as Sally. I mean, what is with Kevin James? First Paul Blart: Mall Cop, and now this? You'd never see this happen in real life. [cuts to a picture of Kevin James with a hot chick] Never mind.

Film Brain:
Probably the most depressing thing about the film, actually, when I think about it is Maria Bello, who at one point was considered to be a decent, daring actress literally having her dignity sucked away in a shitty Adam Sandler movie. I know Mummy 3 was a bad career move, but is this really what it's come to?

Sally:
Sorry.

Film Brain:
You damn well should be apologizing, you've disgraced yourself.

Film Brain:
Chris Rock seems to be the one member of the cast with the least to do. His character hardly ever becomes prominent, and Rock just seems to blend into the background, not really doing anything. Hell, he looks as bored as the audience. Give the guy a joke or a swear, something to do!

Film Brain:
I'm not expecting nuance characters, but these are all one-joke characters, and their one joke each isn't really that interesting. Hell, it makes me pine for the days of Paul Blart, because at least there was some pretense of playing a character.

Film Brain:
Also, about half way through the film, as if it wasn't congested enough with side characters and subplots, they bring in Rob's three daughters from his previous marriages, two of which are predominantly there to be lusted over by the guys, who could easily pass for their fathers.

Kurt:
[watching a girl in short shorts trying to fix a car] I hope that car never gets fixed.

Marcus:
I don't think it will. I took the spark plugs out.

Lenny:
Nice.

Film Brain:
Eww, that's just creepy.

Film Brain:
Oh my God, Adam Sandler's turned into my dad, complaining about the "good old days." I mean, this was antiquated when I was growing up!

Film Brain:
It also means filling the movie with forced bullshit conflicts, like whether or not Lenny and his family fly to Milan to attend his wife's fashion show. I'll give you a hint: they don't!

Lenny:
I just thought the Baileys needed to learn how to win every once in a while, and the Baileys needed to learn how to lose.

Film Brain:
This feels less like an act of benevolence, and more like the mighty, God-like Adam Sandler got off his throne to patronize the mere mortals who oppose him.

Film Brain:
There's one word to describe Grown Ups: lazy. Lazy, lazy, lazy. The jokes are staggeringly lame and sub-sitcom which is astonishing when you get five comedians together, and even more astonishingly, completely bland. There's so many characters that nobody really gets to play a character, the theme of death is almost completely ignored by the halfway point, and all the gags are repeated even when they weren't funny in the first place. It has no narrative drive, and hardly any direction, so it's a sluggish bore that feels like three hours. It feels like the actors were on paid holiday, laughing at each other, and we're not invited on the fun.

Film Brain:
What is the point of giving Seagal a metal knee? What purpose does that serve besides a pointless explanation of why Seagal can't move as fast as he used to?

Film Brain:
Oh nice going, Twitch. Now everyone is going to die because you tried to be a badass. Congratu-freakin-lations.

Film Brain:
The editing for the PG-13 is really f***ing obvious.

Film Brain:
Watching Seagal trying to get down with the streets is like watching your dad try to dance. It's just embarrassing for everyone involved.

Film Brain:
I have to admit that Ja Rule getting his ass handed to him by a woman is very satisfying.

Film Brain:
I think the sight of Harrison Ford chowing down on a donut mid-coitus has put me off sex for life.

Calden:
What do you think?

Gavilan:
Write this down. [pause] Cheeseburger, well done. Raw onion, pickle, ketchup. Nothing else.

Film Brain:
Mm-Mmm, nothing like a crime scene to give me the munchies for some flame-grilled meat.

Calden:
I don't think I want to be a cop anymore.

Film Brain:
I don't want to watch this movie anymore, but I've got to deal with it.

Film Brain:
Was that Eric Idle? What the hell?

Film Brain:
You know, I paid to see an action-comedy about homicides, not about f***ing real estate.

Calden:
[wants to be an actor] It's my bliss.

Film Brain:
Not judging by this performance.

Gavilan:
That was a cop. That was a... guy cop, cop guy.

Film Brain:
Just say it was an undercover cop. Why is that so hard?

Calden:
I got it all right here. Your confession and my performance on this tape.

Film Brain:
A tape recorder? Are you shitting me? I mean, seriously, where did he pull that out from? His ass?

Film Brain:
Being a f***ing cop, you should be the first to know that you're not supposed to f***ing read while you're f***ing driving!

Film Brain:
Finally some action in this supposed action-comedy. But that doesn't mean we can't skimp on the comedy side.

Calden:
I know you're gonna say it's none of my business, but when was the last time you got laid?

Film Brain:
What the hell? I mean, seriously, we're talking about acting one minute, and then the next minute we're talking about Harrison Ford's sex life. I mean, that's like talking to a woman and then abruptly asking when her last period was. That's just gross.

Gavilan:
[looking at the burger he ordered] I see mayonnaise. Did anybody in this room hear me say the word "mayonnaise"? Read your notes, what does it say? Cheeseburger, well done. Raw onion, pickle, ketchup. You call that well done?

Film Brain:
Movie, if you think that's funny, we're in for a very long ride.

Gavilan:
In additiont to the mayonnaise, I see lettuce. Lettuce that somebody tried to scrape off. This is a disaster. Dump this for me, please. I expected better.

Film Brain:
Is that supposed to be a punchline? Does this movie even pick up on the same wave length as funny? They got his burger wrong. So what?

Real Estate Agent #2:
A.B.C: Always Be Closing. A.I.D.A: Attention Interest Decision Action. Got it, dick-face?

Real Estate Agent #1:
You're fired.

Film Brain:
What?

Real Estate Agent #1:
You heard me. Out on your ass. Go on home. Go out looking for employment. We wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors. Adios, amigo.

Film Brain:
Why?

Real Estate Agent #1:
Because I don't like you.

Film Brain:
He sold a motherf***ing house! Yay!

Calden:
[sees Gavilan picking up a prostitute] Say it ain't so, Joe.

Film Brain:
Eh, it works for Hugh Grant.

Film Brain:
Judging by this performance, it appears Harrison Ford is a reanimated corpse.

Film Brain:
You must be thinking, gee, the story's really picking up. Well how about we stop that tiny infraction of events from happening and have another tediously unfunny set piece about real estate?

Gavilan:
We're finally getting somewhere.

Film Brain:
Great, it's only been 45 minutes, things really should be getting somewhere.

Film Brain:
Don't you have a homicide to investigate? I mean, this is Hollywood Homicide, not Hollywood Beach-front Property!

Film Brain:
The following morning, Gavilan reads the post-coitus newspaper. [a headline reads "No Leads in Rap Murders"] Musta been a slow news day. "We're reporting on the fact that there's nothing to report." In fact, I've actually got the newspaper here. Let's see, the top story is: "Harrison Ford Eats Donuts During Sex. That's Just F***ing Nasty. Yeah, what the hell is wrong with you and what the hell has happened to your career?" Yeah, my sentiments exactly.

Ruby:
[at the start of a romantic scene between she and Gavilan] Please don't put the cuffs on me.

Film Brain:
Please no donuts.

Real Estate Agent #1:
It has come to our attention that you have not closed a deal in over a month, Mr. Buck.

Film Brain:
In English, please?

Real Estate Agent #1:
I'm saying you're going to be fired.

Real Estate Agent #1:
Listen, you're fired.

Film Brain:
What?

Real Estate Agent #1:
You heard me. Out on your ass. Go on home. Go out looking for employment. We wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors. Adios, amigo.

Film Brain:
Why?

Real Estate Agent #1:
Because I don't like you.

Film Brain:
Gavilan has one trick up his sleeve: his psychic girlfriend, of course. Who needs evidence when we can use untested speculation?

Gavilan:
What are you doing?

Ruby:
I'm getting centered, and if you don't leave me alone, I can't...

Gavilan:
Well flip a coin, make some sh*t up.

Film Brain:
It was your bloody idea in the first place, and besides, she's your girlfriend, try being a little bit nicer, why don't you.

Film Brain:
The reason why Harrison Ford took this role finally revealed!

Gavilan:
I just wanna pay the mortgage and escape with my dick still attached to my body.

Film Brain:
Why are we saying words twice twice? It's not funny funny!

Film Brain:
With all the rewrites I'm sure the fact that this makes no sense was completely unintentional.

Film Brain:
Oh I'm sorry did I say paralyzation darts? I meant idiotic grinning darts.

Film Brain:
Yikes! Even the Tri Star horse has turned on Bruce!

Film Brain:
Darwin responds by humping the air and making a speech hammier than a delicatessen.

Film Brain:
I'm not gonna mince words here. I hated, hated, HATED this wretched excuse for a movie and everything is represents!

Film Brain:
From the look of it, they're either f***ing each other up or just f***ing each other.

Film Brain:
He's Seagal's friend, he's black, and he's in a war. Oh he is so dead!

Film Brain:
His life expectancy was in negative numbers!

Obscurus Lupa:
I got the results of the test back. I'm definitely the most annoying person on this site.

Obscurus Lupa:
I'm so excited, I just sh*t my pants!

Film Brain:
[looks horrified] Never admit that again.

Film Brain:
I think calling this Metal Man is probably pushing it, but let's face it, Plastic and Rubber Man doesn't shift DVDs off the shelves.

Obscurus Lupa:
You've never watched Phantasm, have you?

Film Brain:
That's the one with Mickey Mouse in it.

General Adlon:
I consider allowing the Russians to come into this center to be a grave error.

Film Brain:
He has actually got a point there considering this is the Cold War, but hey, that might get in the way of the message, so he's actually an intolerant bigot for saying that. INTOLERANT! INTOLERANT

Nostalgia Critic:
Heeeey, Equilibrium douchebag!

Film Brain:
Beating people to a bloody pulp makes them gain wisdom.

Film Brain:
So yeah, Seagal Month got very awkward very quick, it seems.

Film Brain:
He sneaks into the henchman's room using the brothel's secret passageways... just go with it...

Film Brain:
So remember, if you kill bad people, you'll be celebrated as the hero that you are - by CHILDREN no less! I think I've found a film that's morally repugnant than Seven Pounds.

Film Brain:
Parting Shots grips you right from the very start.

Doctor:
It's cancer, Harry.

Film Brain:
That's literally the first line in the movie. Set phasers to laughter.

Film Brain:
Are you laughing yet? Yeah, me neither.

Film Brain:
Jesus, this is meant to be a fast, witty exchange, but the way it's directed, it's slower than a turtle taking a sh*t.

Film Brain:
Slapping comedy music over a murder does not make it funny.

Phelous:
Hey!

Film Brain:
Most of the time.

Detective:
You shot Mrs. Lisa Sterndale, you shot the chef...

Film Brain:
You also shot the sheriff, but you did not shoot the deputy.

Film Brain:
You know, when you make a movie about shooting dead your enemies, you might want to afford a gun that fires to spare Ben Kingsley the indignity of being killed by a gunshot sound effect.

Jill:
He was fine at first. I even got my parents to give him their savings. They lost everything. My father committed suicide.

Film Brain:
The laughs never stop coming, do they?

Film Brain:
Finally, a movie that celebrates the cold-blooded slaughter of your enemies. You can see how this might have worked. I mean, the concept has this sense of wish fulfilment. It's hard to get past the bad taste it leaves in the mouth, and the execution here is terrible. It's badly directed and edited, and it looks and feels cheap, wasting most of the cast. The supporting cast only have one or two small scenes to set up their a**hole-ness, and then get killed off in ways that aren't funny, as much as the score tells us so. The whole thing, especially the score, looks like it's escaped from the 1970s.

Film Brain:
Humor, motherf***er. Do you speak it?

Film Brain:
So the movie starts out with Paul Blart... [giggles] His name sounds like 'fart.'

Film Brain:
He has sweat boobies. It's funny because he's fat.

Paul Blart:
[downtrodden] Peanut butter, it just fills the cracks of the heart. Go away, pain.

Film Brain:
Is this the most pathetic thing you've ever seen in your life? I mean, look at the guy: he lives with his parents, he's a single father, and he has a really creepy way with food. There's setting up an underdog, and then there's just being a pathetic loser.

Film Brain:
So Blart has to show the ropes to new trainee, Simms. Hilarity does not ensue.

Guard:
Why can't you just punch in, shut up and punch out like the rest of us?

Film Brain:
Yeah, how dare you actually care about your job.

Film Brain:
Land of sun and heat? What would England be then, land of rain and cold?

Film Brain:
It's just an animation glitch, and we'll be seeing plenty of those, by the way.

Professor Celluloid:
Previously on Bad Movie Beatdown, ja.

Film Brain:
Today, take a cup of gravel, swirl it around in your mouth a bit, spit it out. Okay, and then [talks in deep, gravely voice] start mumbling, because then you'll sound like every character in Seraphim Falls.

Film Brain:
No, not Lennie!

Film Brain:
All together now, folks.

Film Brain, Fan in Park, Cop:
Symbolism!

Film Brain:
It's like the ending to a completely different movie... that's still sh*t.

Film Brain:
Suicide is a noble act if you donate your organs.

Film Brain:
Sex with Seagal is like playing a game of Whose Boob Is Which?

Fegan Floop:
If your eyes get tired during the 3D sections of this movie, take your glasses off, rush out to the concession stand, purchase an extra large popcorn, an extra large soda, then rush back to your seat, put your glasses back on and voila, you just spent $35.

Film Brain:
That's it, kids, spend money on over-priced, sugar-packed sh*t; or better yet, go outside and watch another movie!

Professor Celluloid:
Never fear, Mathew, you can use these. [removes his glasses, revealing a black CENSORED bar covering his eyes]

Film Brain:
Wow, thanks. Um, don't you need these to see?

Professor Celluloid:
No, it's fine. I see in 3D already.

Film Brain:
[puts on Celluloid's glasses] Wow, I look like an idiot.

Film Brain:
If I'm gonna look like a prat, I might as well look like a cool prat.

Chun-Li:
I've never been so close.

Film Brain:
And yet so far?

Chun-Li:
And so far away.

Film Brain:
F*** me, this is trite.

Film Brain:
When she gets home, she visits her mum! Who is covered in pasty makeup. Oh wait, she's dying... Well that kind of sucks.

Bennett the Sage:
So you want the two of us to sit down and watch the Britney Spears movie?

Todd in the Shadows:
Well, yeah.

Bennett the Sage:
You are a guy under there, right?

Film Brain:
So, Todd, are you ready?

Todd in the Shadows:
I took on the Hannah Montana movie. I was born ready.

Todd in the Shadows:
We're reviewers, so sanity is not part of the job description.

Film Brain:
Gee, is your budget showing enough, guys? Couldn't actually hire an auditorium for this scene?

Todd in the Shadows:
Film Brain, it's not too late, we can still review Crossroads.

Film Brain:
No!

Film Brain:
Why settle for simply talking when you can sing about it?

Todd in the Shadows:
Time for a song. Time for a sing. Sing a song, dammit!

Todd in the Shadows:
Oh just have sex already. Get it over with.

Film Brain:
He gets a job almost the moment he's out of the corps AND he has enough stanima to boink his wife again. Lucky bastard.

Announcer:
Ha, ha, Funny Black Man will be right back after these messages.

Film Brain:
Ooh, that knife penetrated him like a camp counselor. [audience boos] Aw, what? Come on, really?

Film Brain:
Holy sh*t! I mean, I know it's a bar and it had a load of alcohol in it, but was the building made out of explodium? It looks like Hiroshima!

Film Brain:
After surviving the THIRD blast that he should have been incinerated by, John comes out of the water to find a police boat arresting him. He cuffs the cop, stealing his gun and boat. You know, I don't think the cops take too kindly to you stealing their vehicles twice in one day.

Film Brain:
Enough with the explosions! This is what Michael Bay sees in his wet dreams.

Derek:
You can't handle the tooth! That's the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth. I pledge allegiance to the tooth...

Film Brain:
Oi, shut up with the tooth puns or I'll knock your teeth out.

Film Brain:
Later, Tessa is distraught to find that the tooth is gone, but there's no money. Relax, kid, you're making plenty from the Nike product placement. [Tessa wears Nike pajamas]

Film Brain:
It's pretty clear that Derek isn't going to get any hot mommy action tonight.

Film Brain:
I know he's probably getting paid a lot for this, but I'm really starting to feel bad for poor Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.

Film Brain:
[after the word "fairy" is used repeatedly] Stop saying "fairy"! Just because you keep saying it doesn't make it funny, especially since it's a PG-rated gay joke that can't even say the word "gay"!

Film Brain:
Next up, flying school and oh, look who it bloody is: Brandon T. Jackson, do you just sign up for the most degrading crap you can find? Goat legs, fairy wings and, oh yes, fat suits. Go sod off!

Film Brain:
Call me stupid, but is there a reason why tooth fairies have to be kept secret, besides extreme contrived slapstick shenanigans?

Lilly:
We're very low on funding, and would you like to know why?

Derek:
[mocking her] No, not really.

Lilly:
Because children aren't believing as they used to. Unicorns, leprechauns, dragons, all those departments completely gone. If this trend continues, Tooth Fairlyland will cease to exist.

Film Brain:
Whilst I'm finding your story of fairy tale bureaucracy absolutely riveting, I do have an easy solution to this problem: how about you drop your total secrecy policy? Of course people are having trouble believing when you take steps to cover up your own existence, Tinkerbell!

Film Brain:
Where we learn Derek was in the big leagues until a shoulder injury and hasn't scored in years... in hockey, you sickos.

Film Brain:
[on what the fairies do with all those teeth] I do like to think that the building they're standing in is perhaps made out of teeth, or maybe they sell them off like ivory. [makes devilish smile and begins to nod faster] Yes, I made an ivory trading joke in a review of a kids' movie. I'm a heartless, heartless bastard.

Film Brain:
Unfortunately, like a dentist appointment, we can't put this off any longer, so let's pay a visit to the Tooth Fairy.

Film Brain:
Tooth Fairy is about as cheerful as a trip to the dentist, but at least the gas might make you laugh more than the film does.

Film Brain:
In short, this movie bites.

Derek:
I'll tell you what I do know. I know that you don't have wings. So that means you can't fly, and what happens if you try to escape from a ten story building? I'll tell you what happens: SPLAT! Just like that.

Film Brain:
Those sure are some big words coming from a guy who has wings that he can't even use. MAN, you're a douchebag.

Film Brain:
I'm ashamed of having a penis now. I hope you're happy.

Gerard Butler:
You want to thank your p*ssy for me there?

Film Brain:
Boy, he's just like a sexual harassment suit waiting to happen.

Film Brain:
Men are incapable of thinking of anything but sex and women should just accept that.

Film Brain:
Look out, it's Jumby! Stop laughing, he's coming!

Film Brain:
With each sex and groin joke, Bay brings society closer to the days of "Ow, My Balls!"

Film Brain:
Careful there guys, I think that might also be the home of the Holy Grail.

The Spoony One:
Ah, yes that's it. Choke on that 3.5 out of 5.

Film Brain:
[Mudflap is sucked up inside the Decepitcon and assumed destroyed] YES! Yes! Yes! God bless you, movie!

Mudflap:
[breaks out] You're never eatin' me! I'm gonna bash your face in.

Film Brain:
NO! F***! F***! You just ruined the one ray of sunshine! Now you're going to pay!

Film Brain:
I mean it's not like there's a sequel to it or any- [Boxart for Transmorphers: The Fall of Man is shown] F***...

Film Brain:
The final fight is a stiffly edited affair, mostly consisting of Seth kicking Luke and kicking Luke and kicking Luke and kicking Luke and kicking Luke and kicking Luke and kicking Luke and kicking Luke or kicking chairs at each other or leaping over chairs, or kicking Luke.

Film Brain:
The only plus is that it's just 80 minutes of concentrated stupid, but if it was any longer, your brain would run out of your nose like warm custard.

Film Brain:
[Erin punches the general, which does not even phase him] Well that served no purpose. I'm pretty sure he's now going to order his men to stomp a mudhole in your ass.

Film Brain:
Yes, I'll admit it: the reason I watched this is because I have a crush on Kristen Bell. It still didn't help.

Film Brain:
Beth speaks to her best friend, Stacy, and that is one weird looking woman. I hate to be mean about peoples' appearances, but look at her. The poor woman looks like an ostrich. [does a side-by-side comparison] And now that I've pointed that out, you won't be able to stop seeing it.

Film Brain:
You know, if this wasn't a movie about a magic fountain that makes people fall in love, this would be stupid. No, it still is.