Batman: The Animated Series

The Joker:
[after Batman fights back against his hyenas] Hey! Do I hit your kids? Oh, actually I do...

Selina Kyle:
You've got to admit there's something between us.

Batman:
Yes. It's the law.

[Bullock's stalker is finally unmasked - his apartment super]

Det. Harvey Bullock:
Nivens?

Nivens:
Why wouldn't you move? Why wouldn't you get out?

Det. Harvey Bullock:
You wrote me those letters?

Nivens:
Do you have any idea what your apartment is worth these days?

Det. Harvey Bullock:
You wanted my apartment? You mean, this whole thing was about rent control?

Nivens:
No, no, no! I wanted you gone! You're not a tenant, you're a pestilence! You insult me, you treat me like dirt! NO JURY IN THE WORLD WOULD HAVE CONVICTED ME!

[starts laughing hysterically]

Nivens:
They wouldn't have convicted me!

Two-Face:
Poison Ivy.

Poison Ivy:
It's been a long time, Harvey. You're still looking around halfway decent.

Two-Face:
Half of me wants to strangle ya.

Poison Ivy:
And what does the other half want?

Two-Face:
To hit ya with a truck.

Poison Ivy:
We used to date.

The Joker, The Penguin, Killer Croc:
Ah.

The Penguin:
So, I hear You-Know-Who nailed The Mad Hatter last week...

The Joker:
No kidding! He sure gets around for one guy.

Two-Face:
Yeah, well, that's where you're wrong. I don't think it is one guy.

Killer Croc:
Huh?

Two-Face:
The way I figure it, Gordon's got a bunch of them stashed someplace, like a S.W.A.T. team. He wants you to think it's one guy, but...

The Joker:
Ah, you're always seeing double.

The Penguin:
It's obvious our caped friend suffered some crime-related trauma when he was younger. Perhaps an over-anxious mugger blew off a piece of his face.

The Joker:
Sure, he could be all gross and disgusting under that mask! [Dent, who was adding cream to his coffee, crushes the carton]

The Joker:
Uh, no offense, Harv.

Two-Face:
Just deal...

Killer Croc:
Well, you know what I think?

The Joker:
Not the robot theory again...

Killer Croc:
Well, he could be.

The Joker:
I'd say ladies first, but since we don't have any... [Ivy glares at the Joker, who gives a small chuckle]

The Joker:
We'll start with you, Pam...

[Ivy incapacitates Batman with poison gas on Halloween]

Poison Ivy:
[reaching down to pull Batman's mask] It's midnight darling, time to unmask.

Catwoman:
Show's over, Joker!

The Joker:
[buried under his talk show set] Catwoman, ladies and gentlemen! Let's hear it for her.

[the Penguin lures and traps Batman in a bird conservatory]

The Penguin:
Greetings, Batman! You have taken the bait, as I knew you would. Now, prepare to meet your end, within my Aviary of Doom!

Poison Ivy:
[interrupting] Aviary of WHAT?

The Joker:
Yeesh, Pengers! How corny can you get?

The Penguin:
Fah! Just because you mundane miscreants have no drama in your souls! Anyway, there he was in my av... uh, big birdhouse...

Harley Quinn:
It's Late Night Gotham Live, and here's the man who puts a smile on your face whether you want it or not, The Joker!

The Joker:
Good evening folks, I'm The Joker: living proof that you don't have to be crazy to host this show, but it helps! Ha ha!

Killer Croc:
Hey, I don't get it. You just knocked out Catwoman and left her?

The Joker:
Ah, c'mon, Crockers, didn't I say there's more than one way to get someone? Even as I speak, Catwoman is being trussed up at the Pussykins Pet Food Factory. First thing tomorrow I'm sending a lovely case of cat food to Batman. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Killer Croc:
I don't think so!

[Croc tosses Joker to a nearby table]

The Joker:
[weakly] Was it something I said? [the villains take a closer look at Croc, and realise it's Batman]

Two-Face:
[finishing his "almost got him" Batman story]... And if it weren't for this blasted coin... I would have got him.

The Joker:
Gee, that's too bad, Harv, but I guess you'll always come in second. Anybody else want to go?

Killer Croc:
[hits the table] ME! There I was, holed up in this quarry, when Batman came nosing around. He was getting closer... Closer...

Poison Ivy:
And...?

Killer Croc:
I threw a rock at him!

[everyone stares in dead silence]

Poison Ivy:
So, Harvey, what became of the giant penny?

Killer Croc:
It was a big rock...

Two-Face:
They actually let him keep it!

[Harley switches on the machine, sending Catwoman on a conveyor belt toward a meat grinder, then runs for the door. Batman swoops down and grabs her]

Harley Quinn:
Gee, Batman, what are you gonna do? Kick me around or save your kitty? You've only got time for one.

[Without letting go of her, Batman turns to the wall, opens the electric panel, and throws the master switch. The machine stops]

Harley Quinn:
[weakly] Heh heh... good call. Help!

[a woman approaches the archcriminals' table]

Killer Croc:
Scram, lady! This is a private...

[Poison Ivy kicks the chair out from underneath Croc]

Killer Croc:
You'd think one of us would've got 'im by now...

The Penguin:
I've come the closest.

Poison Ivy:
Are you kidding? I was the one who nearly...

Two-Face:
[pounds the table] Nobody's come closer to stopping the Batman than ME! [a squabble breaks out, which the Joker ends with a whistle]

The Joker:
The fact is each of us has their own "almost got 'im" story to tell...

Two-Face:
Where's my coin? I had it just here when... oh, no!

[the Joker wins the poker game]

Poison Ivy:
Awww...

Two-Face:
No way!

Killer Croc:
Forget this!

The Penguin:
Let me see those cards!

[first lines]

[a poker game starts at the Stacked Deck Club]

The Joker:
I want a nice, clean game, gentlemen.

The Penguin:
That'll be a first...

[last lines]

[Catwoman makes a pass at Batman, but he leaves]

Catwoman:
Huh... almost got 'im.

Two-Face:
[narrating his story] I figured as long as I had Batman at my mercy, he deserved a 50-50 chance...

[Batman is shown strapped down to a giant penny]

Two-Face:
Here's the deal: the coin lands face down, you'll be squashed flat. It lands face up, you'll just break every bone in your body!

Poison Ivy:
I have this natural immunity against poisons, toxins, the pain and suffering of others. Go figure.

Batman:
Roland Daggett's up to something.

Alfred Pennyworth:
That almost goes without saying, doesn't it, sir?

Roland Dagget:
These people don't value human life like we do.

Batman:
[sarcastic] Nobody values human life like *you* do, Daggett.

Roland Dagget:
Gentlemen, Gotham City is at a crossroads. As businessmen, the choices we face is clear. It's time we decide where we stand. Are we for progress or against it? For the future or for the past. For the weak or for the strong? In short, we cannot allow the underclass to hinder us from building a better tomorrow.

[last lines]

Dr. Leslie Thompkins:
This used to be a beautiful street. Good people lived here once.

Batman:
[Placing two roses on the ground] Good people still live in Crime Alley.

[repeated line]

Baby Doll:
I didn't mean to.

Baby Doll:
[after her TV brother is rendered unconscious by her bodyguard] Sorry I had to play roughs, Tippy. I didn't mean to.

[after Miriam easily takes Batman and Robin down]

Robin:
Wow, lady... you're good.

Miriam:
It's a living.

[Batman and Robin are watching reruns of Love That Baby]

Robin:
Remember that time when Poison Ivy nearly smothered us in those vines? The ones with the really sharp thorns?

Batman:
Yes?

Robin:
This is worse.

Bane:
You are beaten! Beg for mercy! SCREAM MY NAME!

Batman:
Never.

[as Batman trips Bane's Venom-inducer, causing an overload into his brain]

Bane:
You can't do this to me! I am invincible! I AM BANE!

[the phone rings in a strange apartment, and Batman picks up]

Bane:
You are lucky, Batman. Were I a common sniper, you would never have reached the phone.

Batgirl:
Math. Why did it have to be math?

Jordan Hill:
[after Batman breaks free from a straightjacket] He did it! He got free!

The Joker:
They don't make straightjackets like they used to. I should know.

Timmy Frye:
[Joker holds up a dynamite] What's that?

Fake Jekko (The Joker):
It's a candle Einstein, except this one blows you out.

[Batman is trapped in a water tank]

Jordan Hill:
He can't get out! What's the trick?

The Joker:
That's just it - there is no trick!

Jordan Hill:
No, he'll drown!

The Joker:
That's why they call it a finale!

The Joker:
[throwing his razor-sharp playing cards] Take a card, Batso! Take *all* the cards!

[as the roller coaster with Batman on it blows up]

The Joker:
That must have been his stop!

[Batman appears at the back of Joker's coaster]

Batman:
On the contrary, Joker: this is where *you* get off!

[Fighting with Joker on a roller coaster, Batman kicks him, sending him flying off the rail. Screaming, Joker plummets down into the river, disappearing with a splash]

Batman:
He always knew how to make an exit.

Jordan Hill:
How can I get to be a great magician like you?

Fake Jekko (The Joker):
Well, there are three steps. Step one: Run away. Step two: Find a magician with a great act. And step three: Steal it.

Mayor Hamilton Hill:
What just happened was an isolated incident. There are just a few rotten apples giving an otherwise peaceful community a bad name.

Summer Gleason:
Do you include Batman in those "rotten apples", mayor?

Mayor Hamilton Hill:
Absolutely. He and criminals like the Joker are cut from the same cloth.

The Joker:
[Watching the News Report] What? Compare me to Batman? I've got more style, more brains, I'm certainly a better dresser!

Mayor Hamilton Hill:
[Walking into Jordan's room] Jordan, stop fooling with those stupid magic tricks. Your party is starting.

Jordan Hill:
They're not stupid, and it's your party.

Mayor Hamilton Hill:
Nonsense. I've invited some children.

Jordan Hill:
Yeah, your friends' kids. I don't even know any of them.

Mayor Hamilton Hill:
I am not going to argue with you, young man. I'll expect you downstairs in five minutes.

Mayor Hamilton Hill:
I don't know where Jordan could've gone. He was dying to see you. [chuckles] You know kids...

Bruce Wayne:
Not really.

Mayor Hamilton Hill:
If only I paid more attention, he wouldn't have run away.

Bruce Wayne:
Take it easy, mayor. I'm sure the police will find Jordan.

Mayor Hamilton Hill:
I tell you, Wayne. Things are going to be different if only he'd come back.

[searching the archives at the film library]

Bruce Wayne:
So many actors...

Alfred Pennyworth:
I wish I could be of more use, sir, but I don't watch television. I prefer my fireplace.

Batman:
I used to admire what the Gray Ghost stood for.

Simon Trent:
I'm not the Gray Ghost!

Batman:
I can see that now.

[Trent finds Batman in his apartment]

Simon Trent:
This is harassment! I'm calling the police! [goes to his phone and starts to dial]

Batman:
[producing a note] We know the next bomb is going to hit the Gotham Library. Help me. [Trent sets the phone down and forages in his closet, coming out with a reel]

Simon Trent:
Here's your answer. Take it and go, please!

[Bruce and Alfred watch the Mad Bomber]

Alfred Pennyworth:
Popcorn, sir?

Batman:
[advancing on Trent] Your prints are all over this car. You own the only copy of the episode, where the Mad Bomber did everything step by step, as seen...

Simon Trent:
But I'm not the Mad Bomber, Batman! I sold my cars months ago, to pay for my rent, to... No! It can't be HIM...!

Batman:
You...?

Simon Trent:
Like you said, you need my help.

Batman:
Thanks.

Simon Trent:
Hey, I owe you. You got me my outfit back. [Trent walks off into the night]

Batman:
Gray Ghost...

Simon Trent:
[turns] Yes?

Batman:
Want to help me out on this one?

Simon Trent:
Sure.

Simon Trent:
This place is very familiar. It's just like...

Batman:
The Gray Ghost's lair.

Simon Trent:
It's almost an exact replica.

Batman:
Let me show you something else... [Batman reveals to Trent a small closet filled with "Gray Ghost" memorabilia]

Batman:
As a child, I used to watch it with my father. The Gray Ghost was my hero.

Simon Trent:
So it wasn't all for nothing...

[Dymer is busy breaking a Batman dill, when he notices the real merchandise behind him... ]

Ted Dymer:
Well, if it isn't the Dark Knight himself...

Batman:
You're finished, Mad Bomber.

Ted Dymer:
[giggling] Oh, I don't think so. [Dymer launches a fleet of cars to surround Batman]

Batman:
You ought to put your toys away.

Ted Dymer:
I can't, I need the money, to get more toys! I love toys! They can do all sorts of things! They can make music! They can dance! They can even eat money! Oh, boy, can they eat money - all MY money! Then I remembered an episode of the Gray Ghost, and I found other things toys can do: they can carry a bomb! They can hold an entire city ransom! Toys! Toys are the best... [the Gray Ghost takes down Dymer]

[last lines]

Bruce Wayne:
[presenting a "Gray Ghost" video to Trent] Could you make it out to Bruce?

Simon Trent:
[signing the video] Here you go, Bruce! [Wayne starts to leaves, then turns and looks at Trent]

Bruce Wayne:
You know, as a child I used to watch it with my father. The Gray Ghost was my hero.

Simon Trent:
Really?

Bruce Wayne:
[quietly to Trent, in a familiar tone]... and he still is.

[Trent looks around his apartment, bereft of the Gray Ghost merchandise, which he sold to pay his rent]

Simon Trent:
[sadly] Well, that's the last of the Gray Ghost... [he goes to sleep in his armchair. The next morning, when he wakes up... ]

Simon Trent:
WHA...? [Most of Trent's merchandise, including his costume, is back in its place. Trent notices a note attached to the costume]

Simon Trent:
[reading the note] "Meet me tonight at West 15th Avenue. Signed, a friend."

[Batman and Trent hear a familiar noise... ]

Simon Trent:
Drive! [both leap into the Batmobile]

The Penguin:
And who says opera has to be boring?

The Penguin:
[to Batman] Won't you stay for a cup of cappuccino? [holds up a can of rat poison]

[Penguin steps outside with a small case]

Bruce Wayne:
[follows him] Admiring the Vreeland jewelry, Mr. Cobblepot?

The Penguin:
Ah, Mr. Wayne, isn't it? Actually, I was thinking of adding this to her collection.

[reveals a gold penguin brooch]

Bruce Wayne:
[surprised] I'm sorry. Maybe the rumors of your reform are *not* exaggerated.

The Penguin:
Anything's possible when love is involved.

Commissioner James Gordon:
I assure you, we have every available resource on the street...

Pierce:
It's times like these that I wonder why we pay you people at all!

Commissioner James Gordon:
[grabs Pierce] Listen, you simpering little twit! You were foolish enough to invite the Penguin, now it's HIS party!

Pierce:
[shackled to the floor] What is this?

The Penguin:
The end of the show, when the fat bird sings!

The Penguin:
'Tis better to have loved and lost, and made a small profit, than never to have loved at all!

[last lines]

Veronica Vreeland:
Oswald, I really was growing fond of you...

The Penguin:
I suppose what they say is true: society is to blame. High society.

Veronica Vreeland:
Oswald, if it's money you want I can get you more...

The Penguin:
SHUT UP! All I wanted from you, dearie, was a little friendship! That would have cost you nothing!

[Bruce Wayne/Batman has been temporarily blinded. Leslie orders him to take rest to recuperate]

Bruce Wayne:
No way, Leslie! Not as long as the Penguin has that chopper.

Alfred Pennyworth:
[clears throat] If there's some question, Master Bruce, I urge you to resolve it straightaway. [looks out the window and sees the signal] You have a call on your private line.

Bruce Wayne:
Then let's go!

Alfred Pennyworth:
In your condition, sir?

Bruce Wayne:
If you think a little inconvenience like this is going to stop me... [he knocks over a lamp]

Alfred Pennyworth:
Indeed.

Batman:
Viral antitoxins... for a plague that doesn't exist. But if the virus is carried through, say, stray dogs and cats, the plague will blanket Gotham within weeks!

Roland Dagget:
Days, actually. You know how many strays there are in Gotham, Batman? Three-hundred-thousand. Imagine if even only a tenth of them carried the virus. Not only will this little bottle make me a hero, it'll make me a fortune as well.

Selina Kyle:
Maven, how on earth did you manage to raise my bail at this hour?

[Maven indicates the end of the alley, where Alfred opens the door of Bruce's Rolls]

Selina Kyle:
I see.

[after Selina is released from custody, Bruce expresses reservations about seeing her again]

Alfred Pennyworth:
But I thought you'd grown quite fond of her. And I'd assumed the feeling was mutual...

Bruce Wayne:
It's not that simple, Alfred. She's in love with Batman.

Alfred Pennyworth:
Oh, dear. These modern relationships are entirely too complicated for me.

Catwoman:
[releases a crane of lumber on Scarface] That's one way to remove a splinter.

Batman:
We don't have to make this difficult.

Catwoman:
But somehow, we always do...

The Joker:
[singing] Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg, the Batmobile lost a wheel, and the Joker got away!

[he puts a star on the Christmas tree; then it takes off through the roof with a concealed rocket engine, Joker riding it]

The Joker:
[singing] Crashing through the roof, in a one-horse open tree, busting out I go, laughing all the way!

Dick Grayson:
[Robin and Batman are about to watch some TV] Come on, Bruce. You're gonna love "It's a Wonderful Life".

Bruce Wayne:
It's not relentlessly cheerful, is it?

Dick Grayson:
No, it's about the difference one man can make to an entire city. Sound familiar?

Robin:
Come on, Batman, it's Christmas Eve. Let's kick back and get into the spirit.

Batman:
The Joker's escaped from Arkham Asylum, Robin.

Robin:
And you really think he's gonna make his move on Christmas Eve? Even scums spend the holidays with their families.

Batman:
He has no family.

Robin:
Okay, I'll make a deal with you. If we go out on patrol and Gotham is quiet, with no sign of the Joker, we come back here, have Christmas dinner and watch "It's A Wonderful Life".

Batman:
You know, I've never seen that. I could never get past the title.

Robin:
It's a deal, then?

Batman:
Deal.

The Joker:
"It's A Wonderful Life" will not be seen this year. In its place is the following: Joker here. Greetings, Gotham, and merry Christmas. I hope you're watching, Batman. This one's for you. [laughs maniacally]

Robin:
Well, Batman, you were sure right about the Joker. Any leads?

Batman:
I've accessed Gotham's electrical mainframe. And I am zeroing in on the power surges to pinpoint the location of Joker's broadcast signal. That's it!

Robin:
I don't know, Batman. It seems too easy.

Batman:
It's never easy with the Joker.

Batman:
Keep your eyes open for the Joker.

The Joker:
I'll save you the trouble, Batman! Come and get your Christmas present, or the kiddies get it!

Batman:
Let them go, Joker. It's me you want.

The Joker:
Merry Christmas, Batman!

[Joker has three hostages tied up, and introduces them on his special as "The Awful Lawful Family."]

The Joker:
Meet... Daddy Lawful!

[He takes out the candy cane gagging Gordon]

Commissioner James Gordon:
YOU DISEASED MANIAC! I'LL...!

The Joker:
[sticks the cane back in] Looks like someone needs to teach Daddy some manners. And here's Mommy Lawful!

[takes out the cane gagging Summer]

Summer Gleeson:
HELP! SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP US...!

The Joker:
[sticks it back in] Ho, ho, ho, isn't she jolly.

[He comes to Bullock, dressed in an oversized baby outfit]

The Joker:
And here we have little Baby Lawful!

[tickles his chin]

The Joker:
Coochie-coochie coo!

[takes out the cane]

Det. Harvey Bullock:
WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU I'LL RIP YOUR...!

[Joker puts the cane back in]

Batman:
Merry Christmas, Joker.

The Joker:
Bah, humbug!

[last lines]

The Joker:
[wearing a straightjacket, singing] Don we now our gay apparel, fa-la-la, fa-la-la, la-la-laaaa!

[in a toy factory, Batman and Robin are attacked by small flying planes; Batman swats them away with a baseball bat]

Robin:
They don't call you "Bat-man" for nothing!

The Joker:
[the Joker gives Batman a Christmas present] Well, go on, open it! [Batman opens the gift, a custard pie splatters in his face] [laughs hysterically] Oh, I can't stand it!

Bruce Wayne:
[to Robin] We have to find Joker.

The Joker:
[popping out from behind a curtain] I'll save you the trouble.

[after Batman rescues her, and flies after the Ninja]

Kiari:
[in Japanese] Spirit of the bat...

[last lines]

Sensei Yoru:
If you see Batman, tell him I have great respect for him.

Bruce Wayne:
Why? He's as much a ninja as Kyodai was.

Sensei Yoru:
Not so. Batman offered to help his adversary, and a lesser man would have used the secrets of the Onemuri touch against his opponent. Batman is the essence of samurai, Wayne-san. You would do well to remember that.

Bruce Wayne:
[bows] Domo-arigato, Sensei.

[the phone rings]

Bruce Wayne:
Alfred?

Kyodai Ken:
[chuckles] No, rich man. But I have him.

Kyodai Ken:
You are strong... but not strong enough! [administers the Touch to Batman, who falls over with a gasp]

Alfred Pennyworth:
NOOO!

Kyodai Ken:
Farewell... Batman!

[Kyodai is stranded on an island in the middle of a lava stream. Bruce throws a rope to Kyodai, who ignores it]

Bruce Wayne:
Kyodai! The rope!

[Kyodai kicks the rope into the lava, then bows to Wayne. An explosion occurs, and in the clearing smoke, no sign of Kyodai can be seen]

Alfred Pennyworth:
I couldn't see through the smoke. Was Kyodai...?

Bruce Wayne:
I don't know, Alfred. I wish I did.

Grant Walker:
As I said, I've studied you and your work. Do you realize that in your frozen state, you'll age much slower than an ordinary human? You're practically immortal, my friend!

Mr. Freeze:
Yes, eternal life trapped in this wretched shell. What a miserable joke.

Grant Walker:
Oh, miserable to you, but a godsend to me! Look at me, Mr. Freeze, I'm an old man. I've created wonders in my lifetime, but there is still so much to do! I want to change as you have, to become like you, a being of blessed eternal cold!

Mr. Freeze:
You're insane.

Grant Walker:
Only you have the know-how to duplicate the accident that made you what you are - what I long to become!

[Freeze seizes Walker and holds him aloft]

Mr. Freeze:
You want to live like this? Abandoned and alone? A prisoner in a world you can see, but never touch?

[Freeze drops him and turns away]

Mr. Freeze:
Old and infirm as you are, I'd trade a thousand of my frozen years for your worst day.

[Walker reveals his plan for "Oceania", a utopia ruled by him while the rest of the world is frozen]

Grant Walker:
My world will have no crime, violence, or pain.

Robin:
You can add free will to that list, too!

Grant Walker:
A small price to pay for order.

Batman:
Your order, for your select few!

Grant Walker:
Excuse me, but I fail to see the problem with that.

Batman:
Some thought I'd gone mad. Others thought I always had been. And so they put me where they thought I belonged.

Dr. Bartholomew:
Such a pity. To think, after all he's accomplished, that he should end up here like this. Yes, he does seem calmer. You can turn on the lights, It's all right, Batman. I'm Dr. Bartholomew, your psychiatrist.

Batman:
Did you contact Commissioner Gordon and Dr. Wu?

Dr. Bartholomew:
Calm yourself. Everything is under control.

Batman:
Haven't you listened to anything I've told you?

Dr. Bartholomew:
[to the orderly] He needs more time. See that he's not disturbed.

Batman:
BARTHOLOMEW! We don't have any more time!

Dr. Bartholomew:
Now, now. There's always time to heal.

Batman:
"There's always time to heal", the doctor told me, but he was wrong. There was no time left. Not for me, not for him, and not for Gotham City. And as long as I remained trapped in Arkham, there was nothing I could do, except wait for the end and remember the beginning.

Dr. Bartholomew:
It's time we had another chat, Batman. Now, tell me about this supposed gas again.

Batman:
I've already told you. When the gas is put into Gotham's water supply, the entire city will be affected. [Standing up] Why won't you believe me?

Orderly:
Easy.

Dr. Bartholomew:
Well, how could such a complex plan be implemented without attracting attention? I think this plot is just another delusion. And deep down, you believe so too. Otherwise, why come to Arkham? The one place where costumed delusional personalities can receive compassion and help?

Batman:
I didn't come here for help! I came to find the criminal behind all this.

Dr. Bartholomew:
Really, Batman. As if a criminal could run an outside operation from in here. Jack Napier? Harvey Dent? Pamela Isley? Or, as you call them, the Joker, Two-Face and Poison Ivy. We keep them all under constant watch.

Batman:
They're not responsible for this madness. There's only one criminal twisted enough to come up with such a scheme: The Scarecrow.

Dr. Bartholomew:
Professor Crane? What nonsense. I saw him this morning in his cell. He's probably asleep even as we speak.

Dr. Bartholomew:
He can't possibly have left the grounds. Our security is absolute, completely...

Batman:
No security is absolute. The Scarecrow's already proved that!

Dr. Bartholomew:
I hope I'm not disturbing you.

Batman:
Isn't that why I'm here? Because I'm... disturbed?

The Scarecrow:
An entire city screaming in fear. I wonder if we'll be able to hear it.

Poison Ivy:
Of course, I have the patience of a redwood.

Batman:
And the convictions of a fanatic!

Maggie Page:
[in the hospital] Alfred, do you realize this is the second weekend in a row we've spent together? This relationship is branching out.

Alfred Pennyworth:
Maggie, please. After our encounter with "Joan of Bark" the last thing I want to be reminded of is plants.

[exhibiting the victims of her formula that transforms people into plants]

Poison Ivy:
This dog of a dogwood leveled enough trees to shade a small state.

[goes to another]

Poison Ivy:
And weep not for this willow. She destroyed an old-growth forest, to produce cardboard. CARDBOARD!

Bruce Wayne:
[on the phone] I don't care how much money we'll lose! I won't have Wayne Enterprises involved with an operation that destroys a rainforest! Shut it down, or you're *gone*!

[he hangs up and switches to his Batman voice]

Bruce Wayne:
One of my greedy directors made a deal with a slash-and-burn outfit in the Amazon.

Alfred Pennyworth:
Well, it's fortunate you learned of the deal in time to stop it.

Bruce Wayne:
I hate when things slip by me.

[Bruce offers Alfred and Maggie his tickets to a spa getaway]

Alfred Pennyworth:
[stiffly] I'm afraid it's out of the question.

[cut to Alfred, riding shotgun in Maggie's car]

Alfred Pennyworth:
[grumbling] I've been Shanghai'd.

Batman:
Just as I thought. The fear chemical is activated by adrenaline. So whenever you, or Brian, or any of the other athletes got agitated...

Robin:
The stuff kicks in, turning our excitement to fear. But how long is this gonna last?

Batman:
I'm afraid there's only one person who can answer that: the Professor of Fear himself, The Scarecrow.

Robin:
No, it can't be. He's locked up in Arkham... isn't he?

The Scarecrow:
[after winning $28,000] It's a pleasure doing business.

Leon the Bookie:
You've been winning a lot lately, Mr...?

The Scarecrow:
You may call me "Lucky".

Leon the Bookie:
Yeah? Well, Lucky, that's what you must be, 'cause I ain't seen you lose. Not even once over the last week.

The Scarecrow:
Yes, well, I make my own luck. [leaves]

Leon the Bookie:
[to his lackey] That "Lucky" knows something. I want to know it too. Be persuasive.

The Scarecrow:
[Confronting Leon the Bookie's lackey] Lost? You have that bewildered look... but your sort always does.

Leon's Lackey:
I ain't lost. I'm looking for you! I wanna know how come you always win, Mr. "Lucky".

The Scarecrow:
It's quite simple, actually. I fix the games.

Leon's Lackey:
You can't fix all those sports, nobody can.

The Scarecrow:
Oh, he of little brain, allow me to illustrate. [holds up an envelope] Here. You can read, can't you?

Leon's Lackey:
[Lackey takes the envelope and reads it] "Boo!" Hey, is this some kinda joke?

The Scarecrow:
It's no joke, I assure you. It's the fear of victory, and the agony of... [Lackey grabs him and reveals his true form] The Scarecrow! So now you understand step one in how to fix an athletic contest. I shall proceed to step two...

Leon's Lackey:
No! No! Get away!

Commissioner James Gordon:
That's how we found him, scared as a rat in a cat convention. I've never seen anything like it.

Batman:
You haven't been watching the sports channel.

Commissioner James Gordon:
Sports? You mean those athletes. What's that got to do with...?

Batman:
Put two and two together, Commissioner. That goon in there works for Leon "The Bookie". And word has it he's been taking it on the chin lately.

Commissioner James Gordon:
You're telling me that that walking pile of straws scares the stuffing out of sports stars and then bets against their teams?

Batman:
Exactly. A perfect way to scare up some quick cash for his sick schemes.

The Scarecrow:
There's enough powder in that helmet to panic a pachyderm! He should be prostrating himself, crying for mercy!

Batman:
Change of luck, Scarecrow?

The Scarecrow:
You!

Batman:
You're aware that gambling is illegal in Gotham?

The Scarecrow:
I need the money, Batman. You know the cost of chemicals these days.

The Scarecrow:
[after winning $28,000] It's a pleasure doing business.

Leon the Bookie:
You've been winning a lot lately, Mr...?

The Scarecrow:
You may call me "Lucky".

Leon the Bookie:
Yeah? Well, Lucky, that's what you must be, 'cause I ain't seen you lose. Not even once over the last week.

The Scarecrow:
Yes, well, I make my own luck. [leaves]

Leon the Bookie:
[to his henchman] That "Lucky" knows something. I want to know it too. Be persuasive.

The Scarecrow:
[Confronting Leon the Bookie's henchman] Lost? You have that bewildered look... but your sort always does.

Leon's Henchman:
I ain't lost. I'm looking for you! I wanna know how come you always win, Mr. "Lucky".

The Scarecrow:
It's quite simple, actually. I fix the games.

Leon's Henchman:
You can't fix all those sports, nobody can.

The Scarecrow:
Oh, he of little brain, allow me to illustrate. [holds up an envelope] Here. You can read, can't you?

Leon's Henchman:
[the Henchman takes the envelope and reads it] "Boo!" Hey, is this some kinda joke?

The Scarecrow:
It's no joke, I assure you. It's the fear of victory, and the agony of... [the Henchman grabs him and reveals his true form] The Scarecrow! So now you understand step one in how to fix an athletic contest. I shall proceed to step two...

Leon's Henchman:
No! No! Get away!

[Batman passes the Joker's cell in Arkham Asylum to get to the Scarecrow's]

The Joker:
The cowl looks familiar, but the face is blank.

[laughs maniacally]

Teddy Lupus:
You can't go on like this, Matt. You hurt all the time now.

Matt Hagen:
You're just my stand in, Lupus. Nobody promoted you to nursemaid.

Teddy Lupus:
That stuff makes your face like putty, Matt. It can't be good for you.

Matt Hagen:
It probably ain't good for me, but unless I only want to do horror pictures, it ain't bad for me either.

Raymond Bell:
Relax, Mr. Daggett. The guy was just a hired gun. He don't even know our names.

Roland Daggett:
Thank heaven for small favors. But Hagen has disappointed me once too often lately. He botched this assignment completely. To wit, once Fox is able to talk, he might very well incriminate us, if the police can't figure out what we're up to from those papers Hagen was supposed to retrieve. Frankly, I think our Mr. Hagen has outlived his usefulness. I want him dealt with.

Germs:
But, Mr. Daggett, the man's a master of disguise. He was even before he had his accident and you gave him this stuff.

Raymond Bell:
Yeah. It's not easy finding somebody who can change the way he looks.

Roland Daggett:
[chuckles] You needn't bother searching for him. This is the only place in the world where he can get what he needs. And when his supply runs out... he'll come to us.

Alfred Pennyworth:
Master Bruce, what am I to do about the police? They shall be back, you know. I can't keep telling them you're out.

Batman:
Police? What police? What are you talking about?

Alfred Pennyworth:
I suggest you consult the morning paper, sir.

Batman:
[Batman picks up the newspaper] "Bruce Wayne sought for questioning in attempt on executive's life"? But that's impossible!

Batman:
Listen up scumwad, 'cause I'm only gonna ask you once. Who was Lucius Fox meeting at the tram?

Raymond Bell:
Wayne... Bruce Wayne!

Batman:
You lying sleaze! You wanna rethink that answer?

Matt Hagan:
You know what I'd have given for a death scene like this. Too bad I won't get to read the notices.

Clayface:
The formula must have soaked every cell in my body.

Teddy Lupus:
It's... It's some kind of miracle. [changes back to Clayface] Wha... What are you doing?

Clayface:
No. No! You broke my concentration. It won't work. Don't you see? It's too hard. It's like tensing a muscle. I can't keep it up for long! MY CAREER, MY LIFE, IT IS GONE! AND I CAN NEVER GET IT BACK! I'M NOT AN ACTOR ANYMORE! I'm not even a... man.

[chasing Germs through the hospital, Batman corners him in a storage closet filled with specimen jars]

Germs:
Let me out of here, please! All these viruses and bacteria! I could be... infected!

Batman:
I know.

[he advances]

Batman:
Now... the man who impersonated Bruce Wane, I want his name.

Germs:
I... I don't know who...

[Batman takes a jar off the shelf and reads the label]

Batman:
Crimson fever. Lousy way to go. No cure, you know.

[He puts the jar on a shelf above Germs's head]

Batman:
The name, *now*!

Germs:
Okay, okay! It was Hagen! Matt Hagen, the movie actor.

[Batman punches the wall, causing the jar to teeter on the shelf]

Germs:
[cringing] It's the truth, I swear!

Batman:
Then how did he fool Fox? He's good, but no actor, no makeup, is that good.

Germs:
I... I don't know!

[Batman punches the wall again. The jar teeters closer to the edge]

Germs:
You're crazy!

Batman:
[cracks his knuckles] Last chance: talk!

Germs:
Alright! He... had something... something nobody else had. He could...

[the light is turned on, and a cop enters]

Clayface:
Nice going Batman! But I'll take it from here.

[as he enters, the jar tips off the shelf and falls. Germs screams, and Batman catches the jar, revealing the label:
"Seawater for Analysis"]

Fat Woman:
I'd like to ask Mr. Daggett about the rumors I've heard. I hear he's selling Renuyu through direct marketing because stores won't carry it due to it's harmful side effects.

Roland Daggett:
Well, that's, uh, absolutely untrue.

Fat Woman:
What about the addictive properties of Renuyu, Mr. Daggett? Once you're hooked, you can't stop using it without horrible pain.

Roland Daggett:
No! I mean... That's just not so!

Fat Woman:
Why don't you show them what an overdose can do, Daggett?

[in Clayface's voice]

Clayface:
Why don't you tell them about me?

[transforms into Clayface]

Clayface:
[Clayface is morphing uncontrollably] Stop it! Stop it! Turn them off! I can't control it! I can't be all of them! Not all at once!

Clayface:
Move it, Lupus. I want all this stuff out of here by sunrise.

Teddy Lupus:
Ah, Matt, come on. You don't have to do this. You made a comeback before, you can do it again.

Clayface:
Comeback? Comeback? From this! Face it, Teddy. Matt Hagen is history. This time for good. He's never coming back again.

Clayface:
You again.

Batman:
Hagen... listen to me...

Clayface:
There is no Hagen. It's only me now... Clayface.

Clayface:
Not even the Batman could stop me, Teddy, and that means Daggett won't have a prayer.

Teddy Lupus:
Matt... please. Y-y-you don't wanna do anything crazy. Why don't you try to get some shut eye?

Clayface:
DON'T YOU DARE PATRONIZE ME! I told you I don't need rest. I don't need food and I DON'T NEED YOU!

Clayface:
[as Clayface has Batman cornered, Batman flips a switch, turning on multiple TV screens displaying past roles Hagen has played] What are you doing? Stop it!

Batman:
Look at them, Hagen. Look at what you used to be.

Clayface:
No. No. Turn them off!

Batman:
You can play those roles again, Hagen. Let me help you find a cure.

Clayface:
No! Hagen's gone. Make him stop haunting me!

Maxwell 'Maxie' Zeus:
[about Arkham] Now this is truly Olympus. Surely there can be no other place.

[sees Poison Ivy]

Maxwell 'Maxie' Zeus:
There's beautiful Demeter, goddess of the harvest.

[sees Two Face]

Maxwell 'Maxie' Zeus:
and double-faced Janus, lord of the givings and endings.

[sees The Joker]

Maxwell 'Maxie' Zeus:
and merry Hermes, the trickster of the gods. Now at last, mighty Zeus is home.

Harley Quinn:
You thought I was just another bubble-headed blond bimbo! Well, the joke's on you, 'cause I'm not even a real blonde.

[fleeing the city]

Harley Quinn:
But what about all our friends? Ivy and Two-Face and... Hat Guy and Lizard Man and Puppet Head and...

The Joker:
What about them?

Batman:
Don't forget your little pets!

Harley Quinn:
[gasp] The babies! We can't leave the babies!

The Joker:
I'll buy you a goldfish. Let's go!

[Batman has released Harley Quinn from Arkham to help him find the Joker. While they are riding along in the Batmobile:
]

Harley Quinn:
[reaches for the dashboard] I want to listen to the radio!

Batman:
Don't!

[She pushes a button, and a drag chute deploys from the Batmobile's rear, causing the car to swerve wildly, until Batman brakes to a stop]

Harley Quinn:
Oops.

Batman:
Listen, and listen good. You don't touch anything, say anything, or *do* anything unless I tell you! GOT IT?

Harley Quinn:
[small voice] Yes, sir.

[after Harley ties up Batman and Robin with a cable gun stolen from the Batmobile]

Harley Quinn:
Gee, it's amazing the things you find in people's glove compartments.

Harley Quinn:
Oh, the irony of it! The stalwart Dark Knight and his greatest female adversary, working together to save the city!

[She takes Batman's hand and raises it into the air with hers - cut to her hands, handcuffed in her lap, as she rides shotgun in the Batmobile]

Harley Quinn:
I sense a lack of trust.

Harley Quinn:
Did you see the way I handled those creeps? Pow! Bam! Batgirl, eat your heart out!

Robin:
What was she before she went bonkers?

Batman:
A clinical psychiatrist.

Robin:
Figures.

Harley Quinn:
Hey aren't you that plant lady... Poison Oaky?

Poison Ivy:
IVY! Poison Ivy!

[Batman takes cover in Poison Ivy's hideout, in the middle of a toxic waste dump. Joker opens fire with a tommy gun, laughing maniacally]

Batman:
Stop shooting, you lunatic! We're sitting on a powder keg!

[Joker keeps shooting, heedless, until a chemical drum ignites and sets off an enormous explosion, rocking the whole dump and whooshing toward everyone]

The Joker:
Whoops... Dopey me.

Harley Quinn:
I remember I used to go driving like this with Mr. J...

Poison Ivy:
[mockingly] "Mr. J., Mr. J.!" Oh, change the record, Harl!

[a trio of Frat boys pull up alongside Harley and Ivy, and make some lewd comments]

Poison Ivy:
Now boys, didn't your mommies teach you that's not the way to get a lady's attention?

Frat Boy:
[slaps his butt] And what are you gonna do, spank me?

Harley Quinn:
That's right, pigs!

[raises a grenade gun]

Harley Quinn:
And here's the paddle!

[yelling, the boys leap out of their car and run just before Harley blows it to pieces]

[as Batman views pictures of Harley and Ivy's mug shots, then various photos of them in the middle of heists]

Alfred Pennyworth:
Choosing a weekend date, sir?

Poison Ivy:
No man can take us prisoner!

[a gunshot blows the tire of their car, which skids to a stop. Montoya approaches and levels a shotgun]

Officer Ren?e Montoya:
All right, ladies... raise 'em.

[as Harley prepares to steal the "Harlequin Diamond"]

Harley Quinn:
Ooh-ooh, Mr. J is gonna plotz when he sees this...! No. No, I'm keeping this one just for myself... maybe.

[last lines; everyone is back in Arkham]

The Joker:
That's it. The next time I start a gang, no women. YOU HEAR ME? NO WOMEN!

[outside, Harley and Ivy are tending the vegetable patch]

Harley Quinn:
I think we can still work it out, don't you?

[Ivy flings a handful of soil in her face]

Harley Quinn:
I'm having a BAD DAY! I'm sick of people trying to shoot me, run me over or blow me up!

Harley Quinn:
I got one question. I've been nothing but trouble. How come you've been so nice to me?

Batman:
I know what it's like to try to rebuild a life.

[He holds up a bag, and gives her the dress she wanted to buy, before getting in so much trouble]

Batman:
I had a bad day too, once.

[Ecstatically, she takes the dress, then stands on tiptoe to kiss his cheek]

Harley Quinn:
Nice guys like you shouldn't have bad days.

Dr. Joan Leland:
You've made wonderful progress, Harley. You've passed your competency hearing, and tomorrow, you will be released, mentally sane and sound.

Harley Quinn:
[Begins jumping up and down] Weee! Wahoo! Whoopee! Yay! Yay! Yay! [Regains composure] Uh... I mean thank you, Dr. Leland.

Dr. Joan Leland:
That's ok. You have every reason to be proud of yourself.

The Scarecrow:
[shouting off screen] Unhand me!

Dr. Joan Leland:
I just wish the other inmates could make your sort of progress.

[Batman and Robin are seen bringing in the Scarecrow]

The Scarecrow:
I am the master of fear! The lord of despair! Cower before me in witless deter!

Harley Quinn:
Hi, Professor Crane.

The Scarecrow:
[Completely calm] Good evening, child. [to Batman and Robin] Worship me, fools! Worship me! Scream hosannas of anguish to Scarecrow, the all-terrible god of fear! [the orderlies come to take him away]

Robin:
I think he's getting better.

Batman:
Freeze!

Mr. Freeze:
That's Mr. Freeze to you.

[Boyle is being frozen]

Ferris Boyle:
Stop... Please... I beg you!

Mr. Freeze:
You beg? In my nightmares I see my Nora behind the glass begging to me with frozen eyes. How I've longed to see that look frozen on you!

[last lines]

Mr. Freeze:
I failed you. I wish there were another way for me to say it. I cannot. I can only beg your forgiveness, and pray you hear me somehow, someplace... someplace where a warm hand waits for mine.

Mr. Freeze:
Sooner or later all who stand in my way must feel the icy touch of death!

Mr. Freeze:
The snow is beautiful, don't you think? Clean, uncompromising...

Batman:
And cold.

Mr. Freeze:
Like the swift hand of vengeance.

Mr. Freeze:
Tonight, I mean to pay back the man who ruined my life... our lives.

Batman:
Even if you have to kill everyone in the building to do it?

Mr. Freeze:
Think of it, Batman. To never again walk on a summer's day with the hot wind in your face and a warm hand to hold. Oh yes, I'd kill for that!

[Batman watches the tape of Ferris Boyle wounding Victor Fries]

Batman:
My God!

Mr. Freeze:
Yes.

[Batman turns around to see Mr. Freeze pointing his ice gun at him]

Mr. Freeze:
It would move me to tears... If I still had tears to shed.

[Freeze pulls the trigger on the gun and ice sprays towards the camera]

[the seemingly sympathetic Ferris Boyle reveals his true colors to Bruce Wayne]

Ferris Boyle:
Look, Bruce. That "People Company" line is great PR, but when the wage slaves start acting like they own the place, it's time to pull the plug.

[Bruce learns that Boyle is to receive a highly undeserved humanitarian award]

Bruce Wayne:
I feel ill.

[Batman sneezes and wipes his nose while working. Alfred hands him a handkerchief]

Alfred Pennyworth:
With all those compartments on your belt, you'd think there'd be one for tissues.

Alfred Pennyworth:
If you're going out like that, I'd suggest you take this.

[hands him a thermos]

Batman:
Knockout gas?

Alfred Pennyworth:
Chicken soup. Only way to fight a cold.

Batman:
A year ago, Ferris Boyle interrupted an experiment, and in the process destroyed two lives. Here's the evidence.

[He gives Summer Gleeson the surveillance video, then looks at Boyle, still shivering and half-encased in ice]

Batman:
Goodnight... humanitarian.

Mr. Freeze:
[holding a snow globe with the figurine of a ballerina inside] This is how I shall always remember you: surrounded by winter, forever young, forever beautiful. Rest well, my love. The monster who took you from me will soon learn that revenge is a dish... best served COLD.

Alfred Pennyworth:
[Batman is working on his computer] Taking up video games, are we, sir?

Batman:
I saw what happened to your wife, I'm sorry.

Mr. Freeze:
I'm beyond emotions. They've been frozen dead in me.

Batman:
That suit you wear, a result of the coolant?

Mr. Freeze:
Very good, a detective to the last. I can no longer survive outside a sub-zero environment.

Summer Gleeson:
[Batman has shattered Freeze's helmet with a canister of hot chicken soup] What was that stuff?

Batman:
The only way to fight a cold.

Mr. Freeze:
The advanced circuitry that powers my suit also triples my strength.

Bruce Wayne:
And what have you got there?

[Barbara takes a teddy bear out of her purse]

Barbara Gordon:
Oh, this is Wubby. I've had him forever. Dad won't pick me up at the airport without bringing him along.

Commissioner James Gordon:
[blushing] Well... he knows the way better than I do.

Batman:
[Barbara is hanging onto Batman's cape] I'll contact you when I have more information... please let go of my cape.

Commissioner James Gordon:
I'm getting too old for this kind of thing.

Barbara Gordon:
I sort of enjoyed it.

Bruce Wayne:
Could it be it had a soul, Alfred? A soul of silicon, but a soul nonetheless.

Dr. Leslie Thompkins:
Aren't you going home? It's almost three A.M.

Batman:
Promises to keep, Leslie. I have promises to keep.

Alfred:
Master Bruce, are you all right, sir?

Batman:
I'm tired, Alfred.

Alfred:
Well I shouldn't wonder, you've taken no meals today, and I can't recall when you last slept.

Batman:
A weary body can be dealt with, but a weary spirit, that's something else. Sometimes, old friend, I wonder if I'm really doing any good out there.

Alfred:
How can you doubt it? The lives you've saved, the criminals you've brought to justice.

Batman:
I've put out a few fires yes, won a few battles, but the war goes on Alfred, on and on...

Batman:
I should have been there.

Robin:
You can't be everywhere.

Batman:
I let him down.

Robin:
You're being too hard on yourself.

Batman:
He's a friend. More than a friend. Jim Gordon is the same age my father would have been if he hadn't... Now he's hanging by a thread. If I had gotten there five minutes sooner...

Robin:
You're only human, you do all one man can do, more than any man is expected to do.

Batman:
I chose this life. I use the night, I became the night, sooner or later I'll go down. It might be the Joker, or Two-Face, or just some punk who gets lucky. My decision. No regrets. But I can't let anyone else pay for my mistakes.

Robin:
Jim Gordon's a cop, Bruce. He knows the risks.

Batman:
How long before I let someone else I care about down? Leslie, Alfred, you? When all is said and done, how much good have I accomplished? They sell t-shirts of me! I've become a cliche! More good for the tourist trade than the streets.

Robin:
This city would fall apart without you.

Batman:
Maybe. Maybe not. When you look too long into the abyss, the abyss looks back through you. Maybe it's time for Batman to return to the night that spawned him before anyone else gets hurt!

[Commissioner Gordon awakes from his coma]

Jim Gordon:
The bust, went down OK?

Batman:
Yes. Get some rest now.

Jim Gordon:
Gotta keep fighting, never stop. What I try to live by. Maybe if I had been younger I could have been like you. Always wanted to be a hero.

Batman:
You are a hero, Jim.

Batman:
When all is said and done, how much good have I accomplished? They sell t-shirts of me. I've become a clich?. More good for the tourists trade than the streets.

Dick Grayson:
This city would fall apart without you!

Batman:
Maybe. Maybe not. When you look too long into the abyss, the abyss looks back through you. Maybe it's time for Batman to return to the night that spawned him. Before anyone else gets hurt!

Dr. Leslie Thompkins:
You seem quieter than usual tonight.

Batman:
Every year I come here and wonder if it should be the last time, if I should put the past behind me, try to lead a normal life.

Dr. Leslie Thompkins:
Santayana says, Those who forget the past are condemed to repeat it.

Batman:
He also said a fanatic is someone who redoubles his efforts while losing sight of his goal.

Sherman:
Mom, this is Batman. Batman, this is my mother.

Batman:
Ma'am.

Mrs. Grant:
Oh... hello.

Sherman:
Say, Batman, you wouldn't happen to be single, would you?

Batman:
[after rescuing some nosy kids] Get out, now!

The Penguin:
[emerges from debris] You should've taken your own advice. [Shoots him]

The Penguin:
Scrap, my faithful pet. Ready for a ripe repast? [Penguin feeds Scrap a chunk of meat]

Jay:
[Shudders] That bald buzzard gives me the willies.

The Penguin:
If it weren't for Scrap, you two would be feathering your nest at Stonegate Penitentiary. Now, where is it? [Jay reveals the Vonalster Faberg? Egg, handing it to Penguin] Oh, how much more doth beauty beauteous seem by this sweet egg, which we have scrambled for?

Roberta:
We just saved Batman's life, Mrs. Grant. And now, we're protecting him from some bad criminals.

Mrs. Grant:
That's good. Just don't make a mess.

The Penguin:
[to his thugs] Gentlemen - and I use the term loosely - after you...

The Penguin:
I'll clip your wings, you flying rodent!

Nick:
[after Penguin is defeated] We're safe!

Mrs. Grant:
My house! SHERMAN!

Sherman:
Maybe *you're* safe.

The Riddler:
Well, well, well, Bat-something-or-other, isn't it? Who invited you? Do you know what happens to gate crashers? They have to match wits with the Riddler.

The Riddler:
My, my, my, can we actually have a brain beneath that pointy cowl of ours?

Daniel Mockridge:
If you're so smart, why aren't you rich?

[after Batman re-wires the Hand of Fate to fly over the maze to the center]

The Riddler:
That is grand-scale cheating, Batman! You're not allowed to tamper with the Hand of Fate!

Batman:
I don't believe in fate!

[last lines]

Dick Grayson:
But that creep Mockridge got to pocket a cool ten mil from the buyout. What a burn!

Bruce Wayne:
Maybe. But we've searched everywhere for the Riddler, and he's still out there.

[Mockridge is shown, shivering with fear, locking five separate deadbolts on his front door, then tip-toeing to his bedroom, carrying a shotgun]

Bruce Wayne:
[voice-over] Mockridge may have his money, but he won't be sleeping well at night.

[Still shivering, Mockridge looks nervously under the bed, then puts down his shotgun and climbs into bed. He turns out the light and lies awake, staring at the ceiling]

Bruce Wayne:
[voice-over] How much is a good night's sleep worth? Now there's a riddle for you.

The Riddler:
You may not believe in Minotaurs, either, but you'll still have to answer the riddle.

Minotaur:
I have millions of eyes, yet I live in darkness. I have millions of ears, yet only four lobes. I have no muscles, yet I rule two hemispheres. What am I?

Batman:
That's simple: the human brain.

[the Minotaur robot shuts down]

Batman:
It has millions of visual and auditory nerves, four lobes, two hemispheres, and it's the only thing Edward Nygma respects.

The Riddler:
A lucky guess, that's all, but it won't save you, Batman!

[as Batman and Robin enter the "Riddle of the Minotaur" maze]

The Riddler:
But remember: you'll have to answer the riddle of the Minotaur, too.

Batman:
I can hardly wait.

[to Robin]

Batman:
How far did you say you'd gotten in the game?

Robin:
Gee, I'm not sure. Maybe halfway?

Batman:
Already I love this.

[as a thug climbs over a table to get Robin, Robin yanks away the tablecloth, dumping the thug on his head]

Robin:
I love that trick, but I can never make it work.

Batman:
I'll find Mockridge if I have to tear this place apart, Nygma.

The Riddler:
I doubt it, I made sure the perils are quite lethal. You have eight minutes, gentlemen, then Mockridge becomes the only good corporate shark: a dead one.

Arnold Stromwell:
I don't need your help!

Father Michael Stromwell:
Oh, is that a fact? An empire crumbling? A marriage shattered? A son lost? Sure, you're doing fine.

Batman:
[to Stromwell] All your power and money has bought you an empire of misery.

Commissioner James 'Jim' Gordon:
If anybody should be getting a testimonial, it's you.

Batman:
I'm just the night shift. You have to deal with this mess twenty-four hours a day.

The Joker:
Jumpin' Jiminy Christmas! Charlie Collins! It's been forever. How've you been? Lost a little weight; lost a little hair too.

Charles 'Charlie' Michael Collins:
[a motorist just cut him off] Hey, buddy! Yeah, I'm talking to you, clown! You think you own the whole road? Why for two cents, I'd...

[the motorist turns to reveal himself as the Joker]

Charles 'Charlie' Michael Collins:
That was the Joker! I cussed out the Joker!

The Joker:
[later on; two pennies are tossed at Charlie's side] There's your two cents. Now, what are you going to do to me?

The Joker:
Guess I'll have to find a new hobby now that old Charlie Collins is... Pfft!

Harley Quinn:
Macrame's nice.

[explosion]

The Joker:
That came from outside! Rocco, Henshaw! I smell a bat!

The Joker:
Okay, Chaz. When Harley knocks on the door three times, you open it.

Charlie Collins:
And...?

The Joker:
That's it!

Charlie Collins:
Wait. That's the favor? You called me here just to open a door?

The Joker:
Well, look at the size of that cake, man! She can't open the door and push it in all at once. Think!

Harley Quinn:
Here's to Gotham's Commissioner G. You lock up the weirdos, the crooks, and the geeks. You're a hero to all the boys in blue. But this time, baby, the joke's on you!

The Joker:
There's your two cents. Now, what are you going to do to me?

Charles 'Charlie' Michael Collins:
Listen, I'm sorry, really. I had a bad day. Boss turned down my raise, and...

The Joker:
Now look, my rude friend, we can't have people cursing at each other on the freeway. It's simply not polite! [jumps down and grabs Charlie] I'm just going to have to teach you some manners.

The Joker:
Here's the deal. I'll let you off, if you promise to do a little favor for me.

Charles 'Charlie' Michael Collins:
Okay. What?

The Joker:
I DON'T KNOW! I HAVEN'T THOUGHT OF IT YET! You just toddle on back to your mundane, meaningless little life, and when I need you... I'll call.

Charlie Collins:
Hold it!

The Joker:
Oh, come on.

Charlie Collins:
I said hold it! [slugs Joker in the face, knocking him to the ground]

The Joker:
You miserable little nobody! If I get caught, your wife and son are history!

Charlie Collins:
Your not getting caught. Not this time. I found this blown out of the van. [reveals a Joker bomb]

Charlie Collins:
This is how it ends, Joker. No big schemes. No grand fight to the finish with the Dark Knight. Tomorrow all the papers will say is it the great Joker who was found blown to bits in an alley alongside a miserable little nobody?" Kinda funny. Ironic really. See, I can destroy a man's dreams too and that's really the only dream you've got? Isn't it?

The Joker:
Look, Charlie, you've been having a bad day. All this running around, all this excitement with... [Yells] BATMAN!

The Joker:
[to Charlie] Stop! Y-you're crazy!

Charlie Collins:
I had a good teacher. [Chuckles] Say goodnight, Gracie!

The Joker:
No! Batman! Batman! [Gasps with relief to see Batman appear] How long have you been there?

Batman:
Long enough. Put it down, Charlie.

Charlie Collins:
You know he'll just escape again. This is the only way my family stays safe.

The Joker:
All right, you win, take it easy. [Empties pockets] Here's everything on his blasted family. Names, addresses, it's all there.

[Gets grabbed by Batman]

The Joker:
You're no fun anymore, Charlie.

Charlie Collins:
Hey, Joker!

[Charlie tosses the bomb to Joker. Joker screams and hides himself behind Batman. It turns out the bomb is a dud. Trembling, the Joker looks out from behind Batman's shoulder]

Charlie Collins:
Gotcha!

Batman:
[Chuckles]

The Joker:
Oh, very funny. A million laughs.

Batman:
Go home, Mr. Collins.

Charlie Collins:
Home. I never thought that could sound so good. I wonder what Bonnie's making for dinner. Right now, anything would taste great. Even meat loaf.

Charles 'Charlie' Michael Collins:
You said you'd let me go home!

The Joker:
I never said ALIVE.

[On entering the "Joker's Wild" casino]

The Joker:
Jumpin' Jiminy Christmas! It's an homage to me! I'm kind of sorry I have to blow it up.

[while posing as a blackjack dealer]

The Joker:
Try your luck, friend?

Bruce Wayne:
Why not?

The Joker:
Say, don't I know you...? Sure, Bruce Wayne! Ah, so this is how your family made all those billions.

[first lines]

[Poison Ivy watches a gardening show, then the Joker strides in and changes the TV channel]

Poison Ivy:
Hey! I was watching that!

The Joker:
And now you're watching this.

Poison Ivy:
Change it back!

The Joker:
[goofy voice] Uh-huh, nope, nope, nope, nope, don't want to.

[interviewing Kaiser about the "Joker's Wild" casino]

Summer Gleeson:
Mr. Kaiser, why build a casino seemingly in honor of one of history's greatest outlaws?

Cameron Kaiser:
Summer, please! The Joker is a classical symbol, long associated with cards and games. We can't help it if there's some passing resemblance to some criminal fruitcake...

[Joker hurls a potted plant into the television]

The Joker:
How dare that smug, preening fool try to cash in on my image!

Dr. Pamela Isley:
Now who should lighten up?

The Joker:
Don't get cute with me, Red! He's ripping me off! I'll protest! Yeah, I'll sue! Then I'll rip his lungs out! And I will, too.

Alfred Pennyworth:
I didn't mind driving up here at a moment's notice to bring your outfit, and I was more than happy to dream up a plausible excuse for your date. But staying in this horrid place pushes even my tolerance.

Cameron Kaiser:
[cutting the ribbon] Ladies and gentlemen, welcome, one and all... to Joker's Wild!

The Joker:
Say *what*?

Summer Gleeson:
Ugh, that's disgusting!

Cameraman:
[whispering] Psst, Summer! We're on the air!

Summer Gleeson:
Oh! Uh... there you have it! Let's get a reaction from the crowd. Mr. Wayne?

Bruce Wayne:
[equally nauseated] No comment...

[the Joker knocks out Batman]

The Joker:
Kind of slow on the reflexes, eh, Batsy? That car crash must have taken more out of you than I thought...

[an unconscious Batman awakens to find himself bound and trussed... ]

The Joker:
Wakey, wakey! I thought you'd like to be conscious for your own demise. I really put some effort into this one...

[Batman looks around and finds himself on a giant colorful roulette wheel; even more colorful is the massive pile of explosives to which the wheel is connected]

The Joker:
When I spin the wheel, you, the casino, and that strutting fool Kaiser will all be blown sky high! Not bad, eh?

Batman:
You won't get Kaiser. He's been playing you for a patsy.

The Joker:
Eh?

Batman:
He's counting on you to blow this place up, so he can collect the insurance. By the time you get clear, Kaiser will be miles away, laughing at you.

The Joker:
I hate it when you make sense!

[the Joker disarms the explosives and removes the connections to the wheel]

The Joker:
I'll settle my score with Kaiser, man to clown. But that still doesn't let you off the hook!

[He starts up the roulette wheel and tosses a grenade into it]

The Joker:
How 'bout that, Bats? Looks like your number's up!

[Batman appears to save Kaiser]

The Joker:
Why can't he ever stay dead?

[last lines]

Summer Gleeson:
[on the news] And so it ended for *ex*-billionaire Cameron Kaiser, and the Joker...

The Joker:
Bah! Enough of this rubbish!

[changes the channel]

Poison Ivy, Mad Hatter, Scarecrow:
Hey! We were watching that!

[nervously, Joker changes it back]

The Joker:
[muttering] Ah, you miserable wet tub of no-good losers, you make me sick...

Poison Ivy:
Crazy...!

The Joker:
I know you are, but what am I?

[an enraged Joker has to be subdued by guards]

Poison Ivy:
Oh, Joker... thanks for the smile.

[the Joker glares angrily at Ivy before he is bundled out of the rec room]

The Joker:
Sucker!

The Joker:
Exit, stage left. Laughing all the way!

The Joker:
Don't try this at home, kids!

[Joker lassoes a passing semi and gets pulled over the asylum fence]

The Joker:
[hijacking a truck] Peekaboo! Sorry, no riders! [throws the rider out]

The Joker:
All work and no play... [chuckles to himself]

[pushing a trolley filled with explosives through the kitchens]

The Joker:
Coming through! Hot stuff!

[Kaiser makes his getaway in a helicopter, but his pilot acts very strangely... ]

Cameron Kaiser:
What are you circling for, you fool?

The Joker:
It was a scheme worthy of me, Kaiser... [Kaiser gasps] The way you got me riled up and turned me loose on this place!

Cameron Kaiser:
You? But... but you were supposed to destroy the casino!

The Joker:
Yeah, but I thought it'd be even more fun to get rid of you and run the show myself!

Cameron Kaiser:
But... but, you can't...!

The Joker:
Oh, please, Mr. Kaiser! You of all people should have realized there'd be a Joker in the deck!

[Batman's glider crashes into the maw of a giant revolving Joker head]

The Joker:
That's right, chew him up and spit him out! [laughs]

Poison Ivy:
GUARD!

Irving:
What's the problem?

The Joker:
Don't look now, Sunny Jim, but the plant lady's gone wackers again.

Poison Ivy:
He started it! I was just sitting here!

The Joker:
That's right, you're always blaming me. And the children wonder why we fight...

Irving:
Okay, okay! [changes the channel] You'll watch this quietly, or you go back to your cell.

The Joker:
Jawohl!

Poison Ivy:
[sulking] I don't care.

[Joker sidles up to her]

The Joker:
You hold my hand, and I'll slug you.

Poison Ivy:
GUARD!

The Joker:
Just kidding, just kidding! Yeesh, Pammy, lighten up!

Dick Grayson:
Another villain made possible by a grant from the Wayne Foundation. [Batman glares at him] Only kidding.

The Mad Hatter:
[sobbing] Would not, could not... would not, could not... oh, could not join the dance.

The Mad Hatter:
You know, Alice in Wonderland was always my favorite story. Do you remember "The Mock Turtle Song"? Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, won't you join the dance?

Dr. Marcia Cates:
Bruce, you remember Jervis Tetch.

Dr. Jervis Tetch:
[shaking Bruce's hand] H-hello.

Bruce Wayne:
Of course. I read your proposal on using microchips to enhance the brain's potential. Sounds intriguing.

Dr. Jervis Tetch:
Actually, the prototype isn't quite ready yet.

Dr. Marcia Cates:
Tetch, I think we owe our founder and employer, Mr. Wayne a little more than lame excuses.

Dr. Jervis Tetch:
Sorry.

Bruce Wayne:
That's all right, Dr. Cates. Mr. Tetch is a valued member of our research team. I'm sure we can spare him more time.

Dr. Jervis Tetch:
As you say, Bruce.

Dr. Jervis Tetch:
Thank you.

Dr. Marcia Cates:
[to Tetch after Bruce leaves] You got off easy this time, Tetch. But heads could roll if you slip up again.

Alice Pleasance:
[about Dr. Cates] She's always like that when the big boss drops by. Cheer up. My Wayne knows what you mean to the company.

Dr. Jervis Tetch:
Sometimes, Alice, I think you're the only one who understands me.

Alice Pleasance:
That's just what my boyfriend says. I guess I'm lucky to have two such amazing men in my life. See you after lunch.

Dr. Jervis Tetch:
Of course, intellectually, I know it's all wrong. She's got a boyfriend, after all. Better to withdraw like a gentlemen. Forget her. Turn my heart to other pursuits. Never! Look, I've already developed a circuitry card powerful enough to control a human brain. It would be so easy to make her forget her boorish beau and love me. But it would reduce her to a soulless shell. Oh, no... not my Alice. Oh, it's hopeless.

Dr. Jervis Tetch:
[after hearing Alice broke up with Billy] O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay! Ha ha, she's mine for the asking! I'll sweep her off her feet, treat her to a wonderful night on the town and -... and nothing. Oh, what could a beautiful girl like her see in someone like me? How could I impress her?

Alice Pleasance:
This is really a surprise, Jervis. You're so... quiet at work.

The Mad Hatter:
Oh, still waters run deep, my dear. It's always been my philosophy that people should take what they want from life.

Thug:
Hey, ours too. Okay, Mr. Hat, let's have the money.

The Mad Hatter:
On your way, curs, lest I'm forced to teach you a lesson.

Alfred Pennyworth:
Dare we hope that Gotham treats you to an early evening, sir?

Batman:
I should be so lucky. The police emergency band just switched on.

Alfred Pennyworth:
Then I'll prepare your usual breakfast: toast, coffee... bandages.

Batman:
Goodnight, Alfred.

Dr. Marcia Cates:
Tetch! I don't know what you've done, but Mr. Wayne is demanding to see you in his office now! I'm warning you, if you've got my department into any kind of trouble...

Dr. Jervis Tetch:
Oh, do be quiet, Dr. Cates!

The Mad Hatter:
Are you, the famous Batman, so intent upon destroying my happiness that you'll hurt these poor mind-warped innocents to get me?

The Mad Hatter:
You're mighty in Gotham, Batman, but in Wonderland, the Mad Hatter reigns supreme.

The Mad Hatter:
I'll cut that cowl off your neck before you take her! I've waited my whole lonely life for her!

Batman:
Then all you've waited for is a puppet... a soulless little doll.

The Mad Hatter:
It didn't have to be this way! You made me do this to her!

Batmobile Receiver:
Disturbance reported at the Top of the Crown restaurant. Suspect is a male costumed extremist armed with what appears to be a... ketchup gun.

Batman:
It's gonna be one of those nights.

Batman:
You've hit a new low, Joker. Only you would ruin three lives for a silly piece of tin.

The Joker:
You're dumber than you look, Bats. It's not the trophy that matters, it's the title! I am the greatest clown this dismal burg has ever seen! Where would the good folk of Gotham be without my pranks and antics?

Batman:
Let's find out!

[after Kyodai beats Bruce in a match]

Kyodai Ken:
Don't feel bad, Wayne. You're not bad for a rich man's pampered son.

[Yoru Sensei leaps out of his seat, grabs Kyodai, and effortlessly throws him to the ground]

Sensei Yoru:
There is always someone better, Kyodai! Now apologize for your remark.

Sensei Yoru:
You practice as a man obsessed.

Bruce Wayne:
I'm not good enough, Yoru Sensei. I lost!

Sensei Yoru:
Everyone loses now and again.

Bruce Wayne:
I have to be the best there is, no matter what it takes!

Sensei Yoru:
Defeat can often be more instructive than victory.

[after Batman is weakened by the ninja's gas gun, Robin drives him away]

Robin:
You all right?

Batman:
Let's go.

[he walks off]

Robin:
[as Batman] "Thanks for saving my bacon, Robin!" [as himself] Hey, no problemo, Batman!

Alfred Pennyworth:
Master Bruce, I'm afraid there's been another robbery of a Wayne Enterprises company.

Dick Grayson:
That's the sixth one in two weeks.

Bruce Wayne:
Seventh. [Dick makes a face behind Bruce's back] Where, Alfred?

Summer Gleeson:
Mr. Wayne, Mr. Wayne! Do you have any idea why someone has been robbing and sabotaging your businesses? Two buildings burned down, another blown up. This one's computer system's wrecked.

Commissioner James Gordon:
Miss Gleeson, how do you know that?

Summer Gleeson:
A good reporter has sources, Commissioner. Any comments, Mr. Wayne?

Bruce Wayne:
[to Commissioner Gordon] If you'll excuse me.

[walks away]

Summer Gleeson:
Hmph! You can't ignore the press, Mr. Wayne!

[Dick attempts to join Batman on patrol, but he refuses, driving off]

Robin:
What's with him? Bat got his tongue?

Alfred Pennyworth:
You know Master Bruce; he's not one to discuss his feelings.

Robin:
Isn't THAT the truth? Something's eating him, Alfred. I don't know what... yet.

Summer Gleeson:
I'm sure there's more to these crimes against Bruce Wayne than meets the eye. What do we know about The Bruce, after all? One of the richest men on the planet, but he comes off like the ultimate Boy Scout. I think I'll just pop over to the Wayne Charities Reception tonight and see if I can't get some answers.

Harry, the editor:
Be careful, Summer, Wayne's got mondo clout in Gotham.

Summer Gleeson:
Hey, Harry, I'm a big girl.

Batman:
[referring to the ninja] I know him.

Robin:
Say WHAT?

Batman:
He and Bruce Wayne were students together in Japan, a long time ago. His name is Kyodai Ken. He was good.

Robin:
Yeah? How good?

Batman:
GOOD.

Robin:
I see.

Kyodai Ken:
Or don't you remember? [takes off his mask]

Bruce Wayne:
I still remember you, Kyodai.

Kyodai Ken:
Of course you would remember the man you ruined. Thanks to you, I was thrown out of the dojo like a common thief.

Bruce Wayne:
As I recall, being a thief was what got you thrown out in the first place.

[after Bruce escapes his bonds, he rises and confronts Kyodai]

Kyodai Ken:
Oh, really.

[They circle each other. Bruce throws a self-conscious glance at Summer - and Kyodai throws him across the room]

Kyodai Ken:
You're getting soft, Wayne. Even a white belt could avoid that throw!

[throws him again]

Kyodai Ken:
Tired already, Wayne? I haven't even broken a sweat yet. GET UP!

Robin:
[watching from above] Come on, Bruce...

[another throw]

Summer Gleeson:
Stop it! Can't you see he's no match for you?

Kyodai Ken:
He never was.

[one last throw]

Kyodai Ken:
I've had enough exercise for one evening. Now it ends, Wayne.

[Robin throws a ball bearing with a sling. Instead of hitting Kyodai, it hits a carpet roll above Summer's head, which rolls down over her eyes]

Summer Gleeson:
Hey!

[Bruce attacks Kyodai, throwing him across the room]

Robin:
Yes!

Kyodai Ken:
Gotten a second wind, have you? Good! This will make your defeat all the more satisfying.

Bruce Wayne:
Shut up and fight.

[Kyodai attacks. Bruce defends, then throws him again, following up with a flying kick]

Bruce Wayne:
You were right about one thing, Kyodai - now it ends.

[Kyodai grabs a statue, hurls it through the window, and escapes]

Robin:
You think he'll ever come back?

Bruce Wayne:
It doesn't matter. I defeated him once. If necessary, I can do it again.

Robin:
He did have you worried for a while, didn't he?

[For a moment, Bruce looks angry, then smiles]

Bruce Wayne:
Thanks for your help. It would have been harder to defeat him with Summer watching. Maybe even impossible.

[Robin looks surprised, then grins]

Robin:
So what did you tell Summer?

Bruce Wayne:
That Batman showed up and took care of the ninja. That's true enough.

Kyodai Ken:
[scornfully] So, the famous Batman. [bows] I am honored. However, my business is not with you. Leave and you may live. Stay, and...

[unsheathes sword and raises it threateningly]

[having incapacitated Batman with a gasgun, the ninja Kyodai Ken raises his sword to strike, when a batarang thrown by Robin knocks his sword away]

Robin:
Listen, dipstick, Batman's my pal. He can be a major jerk, but you gotta love him. And NOBODY tries to fillet him when I'M around.

Kyodai Ken:
[to Batman] Another time, then.

[runs off]

Robin:
I thought samurai lived by a code of honor. That gasgun wasn't exactly "According to Hoyle."

Batman:
He's not samurai. He's NINJA. They're spies and assassins. Their only code is to get the job done.

[Alfred is washing dishes while Dick is sitting on the kitchen counter]

Dick Grayson:
Alfred, do you know anything about Bruce's training in Japan?

Alfred Pennyworth:
Of course, dear boy, I was there. Lovely country. I especially like the tea.

Dick Grayson:
You ever hear of somebody named Kyodai Ken?

Alfred Pennyworth:
Oh, indeed. He was the only student at the martial arts school who could consistently defeat Master Bruce. A bad egg, that one.

Dick Grayson:
I think Bruce is worried he can't take this ninja. He won't admit it, of course.

Alfred Pennyworth:
He never admits fears, Master Dick. Haven't you learned that by now? [Alfred turns from sink, and both Dick and Alfred gasp when they see Bruce standing in the doorway wearing formalwear] Ah, Master Bruce, I-I - ah, uh, uh...

Bruce Wayne:
I'll be at the museum. I should be back by midnight. [leaves, closing the door]

Dick Grayson:
Do you think he heard us?

Alfred Pennyworth:
Who can tell?

Batman:
I am vengeance! I am the night! I am Batman!

Alfred Pennyworth:
Imagine that, sir.

Bruce Wayne:
What?

Alfred Pennyworth:
Someone dressed up in a frightening costume running around scaring people. What will they think of next?

Bruce Wayne:
The question is, why would Scarecrow want to destroy the university?

Alfred Pennyworth:
Perhaps he flunked phys. ed. Are you all right, sir?

Bruce Wayne:
The Scarecrow drugged me with some kind of fear toxin. I never know when it's gonna hit me. I'm having horrible visions of my father. He says I'm shaming the family name.

Alfred Pennyworth:
That's rubbish. I know your father would be proud of you because... I'm so proud of you.

Scarecrow:
I might have underestimated the Batman, but at least the university is finished.

Anthony:
You know, boss, I always hated school, but, how come you hate the university so much?

Scarecrow:
They tried to destroy me.

Nigel:
You mean they kicked you out because you weren't smart enough?

Scarecrow:
No, you simpleton! [Squeezes Nigel's nose]

Nigel:
Ow!

Scarecrow:
I taught there. I was a professor of psychology, specializing in phobias. Inducing terror has always intrigued me. Even, as a boy, I liked to frighten things. People, animals, it was all the same. I became obsessed with fear's crippling power. Later, when I became their leading professor of subliminal psychology at the university, I began performing experiments on fear and its subsequent effects. Dr. Long thought I went too far. He called me a lunatic. So now, they will learn the true nature of horror!

Anthony:
Wow, he's a good professor.

The Scarecrow:
Succumb to the fear!

Scarecrow:
My revenge is complete, the university is in the grip of fear, and Batman has been annihilated!

Nigel:
Huh?

Scarecrow:
Annihilated! Destroyed! Dead!

Anthony:
[points out the window] Then who's that?

Thomas Wayne:
[Batman is hallucinating and thinks sees his father] You are a disgrace.

Batman:
No! No! You are not my father! I am not a disgrace! I am vengeance! I am the night! I am BATMAN!

Dr. Long:
Your father and I attended university together. He had big plans for you.

Bruce Wayne:
Well, I guess he'd be pleased. Wayne Industries is more prosperous than ever.

Dr. Long:
Pleased? When your father was alive, Wayne was a name that commanded great respect. Now all Wayne stands for is a self-centered jet-setting playboy. It's lucky your father didn't live to see what you've done to his good name. He'd have died of shame.

The Scarecrow:
I am fear incarnate. I am the terror of Gotham. I am the Scarecrow!

Commissioner James Gordon:
Bullock! What the blazes is going on here?

Det. Harvey Bullock:
Blaze is right, Commissioner. It's attempted arson. Zorro here is withholding evide - [Bullock turns around and Batman is gone] Where the...?

Commissioner James Gordon:
You were saying?

Det. Harvey Bullock:
[throwing his hat to the ground] Ahh... Never mind!

Commissioner James Gordon:
[Hears slight noise and sees door behind him closing] Batman?

Bruce Wayne:
[Stepping out of the shadows] Over here, Jim.

Commissioner James Gordon:
I heard Twitch got away. Thanks to a couple of shadow agents.

Bruce Wayne:
And when I tried to nail them, they used some sort of gas to erase their own minds.

Commissioner James Gordon:
Yeah, that fits with what little we know about them.

Bruce Wayne:
But something Twitch said makes me think they're going after Wayne Tech's new sonic drill tonight when it comes into Gotham. Tell Bullock he should add more guards just to be safe.

Commissioner James Gordon:
Is there anything you don't know about? I only assigned that detail a couple of hours ago. [Turns back to Batman, but he's vanished] One of these days I'm going to nail his feet to the ground.

[as Batman is analyzing the strange bat screams]

Alfred Pennyworth:
I didn't realize you'd taken up listening to rock and roll, sir.

Batman:
[reads] Gotham Police declare war on Batman.

Alfred Pennyworth:
I gather you've been reading, "How to Make Friends and Influence People".

Batman:
Somebody's setting me up.

Alfred Pennyworth:
My heavens! You mean it wasn't you tossing guards out of windows last night?

Batman:
I only toss butlers, Alfred.

Dr. March:
You donate a few million and you think you own the place. I understand I'm the analyze something for you.

Bruce Wayne:
Yeah, doc. See, I keep hearing squeaks in my chimney. [Hands Dr. March a small plastic sandwich bag] And I found these in my empty fireplace. They look like hairs. I thought maybe you could tell me if I have a bat problem.

Dr. March:
And what if they are bats, Mr. Wayne? What then? Destroy them like insects? We won't survive the next evolutionary cataclysm, but bats will! They're survivors, Mr. Wayne, not pests! You should understand that!

Dr. Kirk Langstrom:
[Speaking of Dr. March] He's a little protective of all this. I think he likes bats better than people.

Bruce Wayne:
I can't imagine.

Dr. Kirk Langstrom:
Who's back there? [Batman steps out of the shadows] You.

Batman:
I'm looking for Dr. March.

Dr. Kirk Langstrom:
He's not here, Batman.

Batman:
Where is he?

Dr. Kirk Langstrom:
Giving a lecture on human extinction and bat evolution. He's really quite brilliant.

Batman:
[holding up a stolen chemical] He's misguided and a thief.

Dr. Kirk Langstrom:
He's just a theorist. He was afraid to put it to the test. But I wasn't. I knew he discovered a formula to create a totally new species, neither man nor bat. And once I started taking it, I couldn't stop. I desperately wanted to, but... *it* took over. Francine and March tried to protect me, but it was too late. The beast knew what chemicals were needed to bring itself about. It was out of my control. And it only needs one more component to complete the process. It's in me, Batman. [Kirk laughs as he begins to transform into the Man-Bat]

Det. Harvey Bullock:
[Rushing to the helicopter] Let's go!

Helicopter Pilot:
I can't do it, sir!

Det. Harvey Bullock:
What do you mean, "you can't do it"?

Helicopter Pilot:
I just got word not to let you up without the commissioner!

Det. Harvey Bullock:
Who told you that?

Helicopter Pilot:
The commissioner!

Commissioner James Gordon:
Get out, detective! The mayor may not let me fire you, but I am not taking the heat for your fiascoes!

Det. Harvey Bullock:
This is my case, commissioner! You heard the mayor!

Commissioner James Gordon:
Then why don't you take it up with him? I've got a job to do. If you wanna tag along, fine! Take her up, lieutenant.

Det. Harvey Bullock:
Hey! Wait for me!

Commissioner James Gordon:
[looking over a newspaper announcing the GCPD are after Batman] I didn't authorize this, detective.

Det. Harvey Bullock:
Come on, commissioner. Somebody asked me a couple questions, I just gave them a couple of answers.

Commissioner James Gordon:
You gave them without my approval. if you kept quiet, he wouldn't know we're moving against him.

Det. Harvey Bullock:
I'll find him. I just need a little extra help, your honor.

Mayor Hamilton Hill:
What kind of help?

Det. Harvey Bullock:
I want my own tactical squad for the sole purpose of throwing a net over this Batman.

Mayor Hamilton Hill:
Commissioner?

Commissioner James Gordon:
I've already denied the request. Nobody's taking a vigilante force onto my streets.

Det. Harvey Bullock:
Your honor, any nutcase that dresses up like a bat sooner or later is gonna snap.

Commissioner James Gordon:
Listen, it's just not Batman's M.O.

Det. Harvey Bullock:
Oh, yeah? Tell that to the guy he just tossed through the window!

Officer Wilkes:
Sorry I've never reached a sting before.

Officer Ren?e Montoya:
It ought to be a hot one.

Officer Wilkes:
[They reach the warehouse and find it on fire] Hot is right. What happened?

Investigator Hackle:
When I'm done with you clowns, you won't qualify as security guards! The department works months to nail that drug lord. We lay out two million in cash for the sting. And in five stinking minutes, you idiots blow it!

Det. Harvey Bullock:
Hey, I didn't blow anything!

Investigator Hackle:
Well, one of you did! Or maybe what we've got here is three cops on the take.

Commissioner James Gordon:
That's uncalled for.

Officer Ren?e Montoya:
What? you can't be serious.

Det. Harvey Bullock:
Where does he get off? Hey, I'll tell ya who's to blame. Batman!

Officer Wilkes:
You saw the Batman too?

Officer Ren?e Montoya:
Come on, Harvey, Batman's fault?

Investigator Hackle:
Then whose fault is it, officer?

Officer Ren?e Montoya:
I don't know, but I'm sure it wasn't Batman. He was...

Investigator Hackle:
Either you start coming up with answers or hand over your badges.

Det. Harvey Bullock:
I'm telling you, lieutenant, Batman blew the bust! Montoya and Wilkes were late so I had to go in alone!

Officer Ren?e Montoya:
Que cara! We weren't late!

Det. Harvey Bullock:
Freeze, maggots! You're all under arrest!

Investigator Hackle:
So you went in because of Batman?

Det. Harvey Bullock:
I told you. They were late.

Investigator Hackle:
Were you trying to beat them out of the collar, or beat them to the cash?

Commissioner James Gordon:
Ease up, lieutenant.

Investigator Hackle:
No. You back off, commissioner! Gordon, this is my investigation, so pipe down or get out! He knows they were supposed to go in as a team! Bullock, I demand to know the real reason you didn't wait for the rest of your team. [Bullock rolls his eyes] Bullock!

Det. Harvey Bullock:
Give me a break. Why don't ya ask them why they were late?

Investigator Hackle:
[Hearing Wilk's side of the story] What did he say?

Officer Wilkes:
I couldn't hear. But the guy looked plenty scared and blurted out "Doc" something.

Investigator Hackle:
Doc who?

Officer Wilkes:
I don't know. He just said "Doc".

Commissioner James Gordon:
We're interrogating the suspect now, but it doesn't look like he'll crack.

Investigator Hackle:
Well I think the rookie's holding something back!

Officer Ren?e Montoya:
Take it easy! He told you everything he knows!

Investigator Hackle:
How touching. I hope you're as good at defending yourself since the detective here is calling you a liar!

Commissioner James Gordon:
Wait a minute. Nobody is calling anyone a liar. There's obviously a communication problem here. But my officers are not liars.

Investigator Hackle:
Well, someone in here is lying.

Commissioner James Gordon:
Why don't you reserve judgement until you've heard what officer Montoya has to say.

Investigator Hackle:
Alright, let's have your version.

Officer Ren?e Montoya:
Like I said before, we got there on time. Bullock was down. He said there was still suspects inside, so I entered.

Officer Ren?e Montoya:
I guess Batman must've gotten a second wind after Detective Bullock dragged him out, because he was in rare form!

Investigator Hackle:
Poor Batman. But don't feel too bad! One of you is going to burn too!

Officer Ren?e Montoya:
I thought that you were...

Batman:
Not while there's unfinished business.

Commissioner James Gordon:
I gotta hand it to you, Montoya. You and Batman really turned this thing around.

Officer Wilkes:
Yeah, that was some collar. You put the whole gang away.

Investigator Hackle:
What collar? She's suspended!

Commissioner James Gordon:
[Grabbing Hackle] This farce has gone far enough, Hackle! We've nailed the suspects and recovered our money! The investigation is closed! [Gets the officers' badges and pushes Hackle away] Officer Montoya earned this collar.

Officer Ren?e Montoya:
The collar belongs to all three of us. It was a team effort.

Officer Wilkes:
Gee, thanks partner.

Det. Harvey Bullock:
[mumbles under his breath]

Officer Ren?e Montoya:
What was that, Bullock?

Det. Harvey Bullock:
I said... thanks a lot, Montoya.

[holding a dream machine]

James Gordon:
I'll have the lab boys take a look at it. Any idea what it is?

Batman:
Yes, the stuff that dreams are made of.

Dr. Jervis Tetch:
It's impossible! No one's will is strong enough to escape my dream machine!

Batman:
Why? Why did you do it?

Dr. Jervis Tetch:
You, of all people, have the gall to ask me that? You ruined my life! I was willing to give you whatever life you wanted, just to keep you out of mine!

[after the Batman impostor is revealed]

Bruce Wayne:
The Mad Hatter?

The Mad Hatter:
Congratulations are in order, I suppose. And you're right! This is a dream, a very special dream.

Bruce Wayne:
Then you know everything about me?

The Mad Hatter:
I do! But I'm only a part of your dream. The mind control apparatus I've hooked you to reveals nothing to the outside world - it's purpose is to create an ideal fantasy world for you!

Bruce Wayne:
Then you're not the real Mad Hatter.

The Mad Hatter:
No. Just a figment of your imagination. But that doesn't mean I'm not real - in this dream world!

Bruce Wayne:
Make it stop!

The Mad Hatter:
I'm crushed! You don't like the fantasy world I've created for you?

Bruce Wayne:
It's not real!

The Mad Hatter:
Ah! Are you the dreamer or are you part of someone else's dream? That's exactly the question Tweedledee put to Alice in 'Through the Looking... '

Bruce Wayne:
This isn't some silly storybook!

The Mad Hatter:
Oh, but it is! It's a beautiful story! You have love, wealth, a family, all you ever wanted! Your own private Wonderland!

Bruce Wayne:
NO! I won't live a lie! No matter how attractive you make it!

Bruce Wayne:
[looking over a high ledge] You're wrong. There is a way for me to wake up.

The Mad Hatter:
N-now just a moment! You don't want to do anything foolish- this isn't an ordinary dream! What if you're wrong?

Bruce Wayne:
Then I'll see you in your nightmares.

Criminal:
[Terrified] Who are you?

Bruce Wayne:
I'm your worst nightmare!

Poison Ivy:
[after Batman tries to spit out the poison from her kiss] Aw what's the matter Batman, do I have cooties?

[laughs]

Det. Harvey Bullock:
So what'd you put in this mousse?

Rose Cafe Chef:
Chocolate, sugar, eggs, cream...

Det. Harvey Bullock:
Strychnine?

Rose Cafe Chef:
No, no. No strychnine. But I added just a pinch of vanilla.

Poison Ivey:
Batman. A late night rendezvous? To what do I owe the honor?

Batman:
Harvey Dent.

Poison Ivey:
Oh, the poor district attorney. I hear he's not expected to live. It's so sad. [feigns crying which turns to maniacal laughter]

Batman:
Why, Isley?

Poison Ivey:
Oh please. Call me "Poison Ivy". You see, Harvey had to pay for his crime.

Batman:
What crime?

Poison Ivey:
Why, murder, of course. Plowing up a field of beautiful wildflowers for that silly penitentiary of his. This little rose would be extinct today if I hadn't saved my precious from those horrible bulldozers. The blood of those flowers are on his hands! [calms down and smooths hair] So his fate was sealed... [applies lipstick]... with a kiss. And now so is yours.

Poison Ivy:
[talking to her rose] They can bury me in the ground, as deep as they like. But I'll grow back. We always grow back. Don't we, baby?

Harvey Dent:
[about Pamela Isley] So, what do you think?

Bruce Wayne:
Does she have a sister?

Harvey Dent:
Nope. Pam's one of a kind. That's why I asked her to marry me.

Bruce Wayne:
[Spits out his water] What?

Harvey Dent:
Yep. That's the page-one headline. [Groans and tugs at shirt] Is it getting warm in here?

Bruce Wayne:
You're still flushed from that last kiss. Harvey, you just met her last week.

Harvey Dent:
And I already know she's the one. Gosh, it's so hot in here.

Bruce Wayne:
Marriage is a big step, Harv. Don't you think you're rushing it?

Harvey Dent:
No way. The moment I laid eyes on Pam, love hit me right in the face. [Harvey passes out and collapse face-first into a bowl of chocolate mousse]

Bruce Wayne:
[laughs] Harv, you've lost your mind... Knock it off. Harv? Harvey!

[In a planetarium, Batman and Lucas are fighting inside a giant model planet]

Lucas:
You're about to fall out of orbit, Batman!

Bruce Wayne:
As the Bard said, "the fault lies not in our stars, but in ourselves."

Nostromos:
Peace to all. Brothers and sisters, the negative plane is aligned with the positive, bringing forth astral harmony.

Bruce Wayne:
What?

Man:
The vibrations are right for prophecy.

Bruce Wayne:
Oh. Okay.

Nostromos:
That which you seek and cannot find is the seeker. You are merely the eye trying to view itself.

Bruce Wayne:
This is awfully deep.

Woman:
Shh!

Nostromos:
We are but radios for the cosmic transmitter, tune your receivers, hear the inner voice... [Nostromo screams]

Nostromos:
Brother Ethan, the inner voice speaks. Someone here is in grave danger. The messenger of death is searching... crying out for... [Points at Bruce Wayne]... You!

Alfred Pennyworth:
But how did the glass break, Sir?

Batman:
[Mystically] Psychic vibrations, Alfred... though I'd bet on a high-frequency sonic device.

Lucas:
No one could've predicted Batman would spot me. Not even the great Nostromos. Besides, how do you know Wayne survived?

Nostromos:
The news said he got off the elevator right before it fell, you pathetic amateur!

Lucas:
Well, you didn't predict he would die, exactly...

Nostromos:
Welcome, Brother Bruce!

Lisa Clark:
No, not Bruce!

Bruce Wayne:
Lisa, you... don't understand.

Lisa Clark:
Oh, I understand, all right. You're like all the rest, suckered in by this money-grubbing, bogus creep!

Ethan Clark:
Lisa!

Lisa Clark:
You know what my inner voice tells me, Nostromos? You've ripped off your last victim!

Ethan Clark:
I'm soo sorry, I...

Nostromos:
Do not apologize. She will believe. They will all believe... after the Great Fall.

Dick Grayson:
[after Bruce explains how he escaped. Dick chuckles] Nice going, Bruce. Man, I'd have never thought of that.

Bruce Wayne:
Neither would the Riddler.

[cut to the Riddler who is back in Arkham after Batman escaped from his latest death trap - but refused to tell him how]

The Riddler:
It's impossible, I tell you. Impossible! My trap was perfect! HOW DID HE DO IT? I have to know! Somebody tell me! It's not fair! There was no way, I tell you! No way he could have gotten out! Somebody tell me! Do you hear me? SOMEBODY TELL ME HOW HE DID IT! I have to know! I HAVE TO KNO-O-O-O-OW!

The Riddler:
There's no way you could have escaped from that explosion! How did you get out?

Batman:
That's my little riddle.

The Riddler:
Please, you must tell me! All right, I'll make you a deal. You tell me how you escaped, and I'll tell you where I've hidden all the things I've stolen.

Batman:
So you admit it?

The Riddler:
Yes. I'll even tell you how I committed those robberies. Deal?

Batman:
No.

[holds up one of Riddler's two-way radios]

Batman:
Did you get that?

Commissioner James Gordon:
We got it.

[Gordon and the police enter]

Commissioner James Gordon:
We've got plenty of evidence. You're going away for good this time.

[the police handcuff Riddler and lead him to the door]

Commissioner James Gordon:
[re: the radio] My compliments. This is a great little idea.

The Riddler:
[stops] Wait a minute! Aren't you gonna tell me how you did it? That's not fair!

[the police drag him out]

Bruce Wayne:
I know it must be very difficult.

Dick Grayson:
If only I could have stopped him! I saw him coming out of the tent! I knew he didn't belong there!

Bruce Wayne:
I know. You keep thinking, If only I had done something differently. If only I could have... warned them. But there isn't anything you could have done. There isn't anything either of us could have done.

Dick Grayson:
Your mom and dad? Does the hurt ever go away?

Bruce Wayne:
I wish I could say yes. But it will get better in time. For you. That I promise.

[On a stakeout]

Robin:
If I knew it was gonna be this long, I would have brought my homework. You sure about this extortion ring?

Batman:
Uh-huh.

Robin:
It's been four hours.

Batman:
Uh-huh.

Robin:
You still think they'll show?

Batman:
Uh-huh.

[pause]

Robin:
Lucky for me you're such a good conversationalist.

Batman:
All right, scum bucket, it's you, me, and thirty stories. You're gonna tell me exactly what I want to know.

Robin:
Why can't I go with you? What's the big deal?

Batman:
I'm working alone tonight.

Robin:
Come on. I don't get to do this much since I started college. If it's because I jumped the gun back there, I'm sorry.

Batman:
t's something I have to do, *alone*.

Robin:
So that's it. No apologies, no explanation. Just "See you later, kid."

Batman:
You know the rules. There are times I can't explain...

Robin:
"My actions even to you." Hey, that line worked great in sixth grade but in case you hadn't noticed...

Batman:
We'll discuss this later!

Dick Grayson:
I'll never be like him, Alfred, never. He's a stone-cold, self-righteous...

Alfred Pennyworth:
Master Dick, try not to be too critical. I'm certain whatever his reasons, Master Bruce has your best interests in mind.

Dick Grayson:
He shuts me out, man, treats me like a kid!

Jack Haley:
You heard me, get out! I run an honest business here! I don't pay two-bit hoodlums protection money!

Anthony 'Tony' Zucco:
Insurance, Mr. Haley, you know, from... accidents. Can't run a business without insurance.

Jack Haley:
[grabbing a bull whip] Get off my property while you can still walk!

Anthony 'Tony' Zucco:
Hey, hey, fine! I tried to be reasonable. You don't want my services? OK. But you're gonna wish you'd listened, old man. Oh, yeah, keep my number handy. You're gonna be calling Tony Zucco, and soon.

Batman:
I've come for your nephew, Tony Zucco.

Arnold Stromwell:
You can't just barge in here making demands!

Batman:
I want him bad, Stromwell. Real bad.

Arnold Stromwell:
How should I know where he is? I stopped looking after that loser a long time ago.

Batman:
If you protect him, Stromwell, I'll be very... grumpy. You don't want to see me grumpy.

Arnold Stromwell:
Uh, yeah, I got ya...

Batman:
I was so close, Alfred, I could smell his sweat. From now on, Tony Zucco gets my undivided attention.

Alfred Pennyworth:
How fortunate for Zucco, because there's a little boy up there who's just aching for some of that attention.

Batman:
I'm doing this for him.

Alfred Pennyworth:
I'm sure revenge can be deliciously sweet. However, at the moment, he needs a friend. Isn't that what you needed sir?

Bruce Wayne:
I know it must be very difficult.

Dick Grayson, Age 10:
If only I could had stopped him. I saw him coming out of the tent! I knew he didn't belong there!

Bruce Wayne:
I know. You keep thinking "if only I'd done something differently. If only I could've... Warned them". But there isn't anything you could have done. There isn't anything either of us could have done.

Dick Grayson, Age 10:
Your mom and dad? Does the hurt ever go away?

Bruce Wayne:
I wish I could say yes. But it'll get better in time... For you. I promise.

Robin:
You deceived me! You can't take this one! Zucco's mine!

Batman:
Sorry, Robin, but on this team I call the shots.

Robin:
But I've waited half my life!

Batman:
Batman out.

Robin:
Oh, no. He's not gonna ace me out!

Alfred Pennyworth:
Please, Master Dick, you must do as he says!

Robin:
Not this time, Alfred. Maybe not ever again.

Robin:
You were right, y'know, not bringing me along. You knew I'd take it too personally.

Batman:
It wasn't that, Robin. It wasn't that at all. Zucco's taken so much, caused you so much pain. I couldn't stand the thought that he might... take you, too.

[pause]

Robin:
Come on, partner. It's been a long night.

[Robin dangles Tony Zucco, his parents' murderer, over a fall]

Batman:
Robin! That's enough, Robin! You can't allow your personal feelings to guide your actions.

Robin:
[shouting] Stuff you, Batman! You and your stone- cold heart! You don't know how I feel! How could you...?

[Batman is silent, while Robin realizes what he's said]

Robin:
Batman, I...

Batman:
You hated Harvey Dent, and would do anything to destroy him.

Two-Face:
Why not? He was going to destroy me. Just as I'm going to destroy you!

Batman:
Harvey, give me your other hand! I need both your hands to save you!

Two-Face:
[hanging from a ledge] What, what should I do? The coin won't tell me...

Batman:
It won't tell you ANYTHING! I switched coins when you grabbed me! It's a trick coin, it'll always land on edge! It's YOUR choice now, Harvey: life or death, the coin or me! [after a pause, Dent drops the coin]

Harvey Dent:
Batman, help me. [Batman pulls him up... ]

Two-Face:
Never! [lets go of Batman's hand, and falls]

Harvey Dent:
Good old Bruce. Always there... you've never given up on me.

[Driving his car, with Batman hanging on, on a railway towards a speeding train, apparently in a suicide attack]

Lloyd "Eddie" Ventrix:
You're coming with me whether you want to or not!

Batman:
Not in this lifetime, pal!

[Both Batman and Ventrix jump off the car before the train hits]

Kimmy Ventrix:
Kimberly? Who are you talking to?

Helen Ventrix:
Nobody, Mommy, just Mojo.

Kimmy Ventrix:
Oh, I'm sorry I missed him, I would have said hi.

Helen Ventrix:
He really was here, Mommy.

Kimmy Ventrix:
I know, honey, I know.

Lloyd Ventrix:
Helen, please! Cut me some slack here, will ya? I'll give you anything you want!

Helen Ventrix:
Want? All I want is for you to disappear!

Lloyd Ventrix:
Okay, okay... but just remember the old saying: Be careful what you wish for.

Batman:
Ventrix, the suit! It's poison!

Lloyd Ventrix:
So what if it is? I don't care! As long as I have it, I can take my daughter back whenever I want! Her mother won't be able to stop me, and neither will you!

Kimmy Ventrix:
Me and Mommy are moving, and even if Daddy gets out of jail this time, he'll never find us...

Helen Ventrix:
[alarmed] Kimberly? Who are you talking to now?

Kimmy Ventrix:
Just Batman, Mommy.

Helen Ventrix:
Oh... him again.

Kimmy Ventrix:
But he really was here, Mommy!

Helen Ventrix:
I know, honey. I know.

[Ra's reveals the identity of his captive]

Batman:
Duvall.

Robin:
It can't be! He'd be over a hundred years old!

Ra's Al Ghul:
He was sentenced to fifty years at hard labor. Of course no one expected him to survive that sentence. No one but me.

Batman:
The Lazarus Pit.

Ra's Al Ghul:
When he was a young man. Though even its powers cannot restore him now. When his sentence was completed, Arkady simply wandered away. The privations he had suffered had left his mind shattered. I had lost track of him until I found him in that rest home.

Batman:
You left Duvall to his fate a century ago. Why come back for him now?

Ra's Al Ghul:
Did you really imagine, Detective, that in my six-hundred years of life, that I had sired only one offspring? Even before the Phoenix debacle I realized that Arkady was too mentally unbalanced and cruel to wisely rule my empire.

Batman:
But you didn't forget him.

Ra's Al Ghul:
What father can ever forget his son? Come Detective, I've still a few good years left. We will cross swords some other time. But for now... let me take my boy home.

Arkady Duvall:
You cannot defeat me. I am a Heidelberg fencing champion.

Jonah Hex:
My heart's all a-flutter.

Sheriff:
Well, well. Jonah Hex, his own bad self. Been here five minutes and you ain't killed nobody nor set nothing on fire. Slipping, ain't you?

Jonah Hex:
I'm still a little bushed.

Sheriff:
Fact is, you look a little past it, Hex. Not tied, just all used up.

Jonah Hex:
Well, when I get pushed, I can still shoot a fly out from between its wings. Provided the light's right, of course, and it's a big plump fly.

Barmaid:
Good luck, Jonah Hex.

Jonah Hex:
Right nice sentiment, Ma'am. But I never cotton much to luck. I like to make my own.

Arkady Duvall:
You're either a liar or a fool.

Jonah Hex:
I've been known to be foolish, but ain't nobody calls me a liar and goes to bed happy.

Arkady Duvall:
You! I don't believe it!

Jonah Hex:
Guess I'm just a bad penny.

Arkady Duvall:
Why are you doing this?

Jonah Hex:
Because I don't like you.

Jonah Hex:
I'm gettin' too old for this.

Killer Croc:
You're guano, bats!

[Bruce arrives to pick up Selina for their date, but they are interrupted by a phone call with bad news]

Selina Kyle:
You go down to the office! Break down the door if you have to! I want that land for the mountain lions!

[She slams the phone down and sinks into a chair]

Selina Kyle:
[sighs] I'm afraid I'm not going to be very good company.

Bruce Wayne:
Is there anything I can do?

Selina Kyle:
[dryly] Not really. Not unless you can get me a meeting with the Chairman of Multigon International.

[Bruce picks up the phone and starts dialing]

Bruce Wayne:
What time's good for you?

Selina Kyle:
[surprised, to Maven] Hey, I'm starting to like this guy.

[Catwoman sees Batman for the first time]

Catwoman:
Hmm, probably my imagination.

Batman:
Probably not.

Catwoman:
Magnificent.

Batman:
I suggest you save your flattery for the judge.

[Maven tries to get Selina excited about her date with Bruce Wayne]

Selina Kyle:
I guess you're right, Maven. Still, I wish it were Batman waiting behind this door.

[opens it]

Selina Kyle:
Bruce! How lovely to see you.

Batman:
If you think I've been bad news before...

Catwoman:
You can't deny there's something between us.

Batman:
You're right, and I'm afraid it's the law.

Batman:
Red Claw, a woman?

Red Claw:
Do you have a problem with that?

Batman:
Not at all. I'm an equal-opportunity crime- fighter!

Selina Kyle:
Where'd you learn to drive like that?

Bruce Wayne:
Oh, ah, I've been going to the Paris Grand Prix for years; you know, one these days I think I'll enter it.

[Returning home]

Catwoman:
Maven?... Maven?

Batman:
She's gone. The terrorists were after both of you.

Catwoman:
Have you told the police you found your "cat burglar"?

Batman:
Not yet.

Catwoman:
Why not?

Batman:
I didn't want you taken away like a common criminal.

Catwoman:
So you do care.

[Batman cuffs her]

Batman:
More than you'll ever know.

Batman:
What kind of a saboteur uses a six-thousand dollar Metronex to set a time bomb?

Alfred:
A saboteur with too much money?

Batman:
Stop this, Fugate! Hill committed no crime against you!

Temple Fugate:
He did worse than that! He made me late!

[while fighting with Batman]

Temple Fugate:
I've studied news footage of you, and I know that it takes you exactly one twentieth of a second to throw a punch.

Batman:
Very clever. But it only takes me a thirtieth of a second to do this!

[He throws a kick that Fugate narrowly evades]

Batman:
I'm here to clean your clock, Fugate!

Temple Fugate:
Don't count on it, Batman. When it comes to clocks, I am king. En garde!

Commissioner James Gordon:
Do you think Fugate survived the tower's destruction?

Batman:
If I could, he could.

[last lines]

Commissioner James Gordon:
You think we'll see him again?

Batman:
Absolutely. In fact, I'd say it was only a matter of time.

Mayor Hamilton Hill:
Look, Fugate, why don't you just take some time off? I mean, surely you can work it into your program, can't you?

Temple Fugate:
Yes... I suppose I can...

Mayor Hamilton Hill:
Take my advice, and try it. It'll change your life...

Ra's Al Ghul:
So, they know your identity, detective.

Batman:
Who are you? How did you get in here?

[Batman starts to approach, but Ubu tosses a dagger at Batman's feet, stopping him]

Ra's Al Ghul:
You must forgive Ubu, detective. He is well trained. Allow me to introduce myself. I am he who is called Ra's al Ghul.

Batman:
"The Demon's Head". I thought you were only a legend.

Ra's Al Ghul:
I am quite real. And as I'm sure you realize by now, my reputation for resourcefulness is well-deserved. [Handing Batman a photo displaying a captured Robin and Talia] As you can see why have a common problem. Your ward was abducted on the same night as my daughter. You do remember my daughter?

Batman:
You're Talia's father?

Ra's Al Ghul:
Yes, but surely you would not expect her to mention me by name. [Ra's begins coughing uncontrollably, Batman moves to intervene but Ra's raises his arm] Keep your distance! I am merely old. Older, perhaps, than you can imagine. But not so old that I cannot assist you in your search.

Batman:
I get the message.

Ra's Al Ghul:
As Napoleon once told me, a strong mind can fuel a frail body.

Ra's Al Ghul:
Look at it, detective. One of the last of the rain forests. The world depends upon it's oxygen, yet the rich see only profit in it's destruction. You, who belong to the over-class have much to answer for.

Batman:
Bruce Wayne donates millions of dollars a year to preserve these forests.

Ra's Al Ghul:
Which are being depleted at the rate of 120,000 acres a day. Does your money solve this problem? No! It will take more than wealth. It will take power, and I fear, ruthlessness. Humankind must be forced to serve the planet instead of its own appetites.

Batman:
And you're the one who'll do the forcing?

Ra's Al Ghul:
I am... qualified, yes. But I may not have sufficient lifetimes left to me.

Batman:
You still have me at a loss, Ra's al Ghul. Just how did you learn who I am?

Ra's Al Ghul:
I control a vast global organization, detective. Obviously Batman's activities require certain costly implements. It was a simple matter for my people to learn which wealthy Americans were amassing what Batman might require. The one who matched my daughter's description of you was Bruce Wayne.

Batman:
Next time I'll have to glue my mask on.

Batman:
[studying the picture] Look at the blade. It's used by a cult of mercenaries based in Calcutta. Even the rope appears to be made of a hemp indigenous to that area.

Ra's Al Ghul:
Well done, detective. You are worthy of your reputation. To India, then! Come. I have an aircraft waiting.

[Batman walks in front of Ra's and gets shoved back roughly by Ubu]

Ubu:
Infidel!

Ra's Al Ghul:
Forgive my servant. He feels that no one should precede me. Call it over-zealousness.

Batman:
I think I'll call it "strike one".

Ra's Al Ghul:
So, how long have you known, detective, that I planned your ward's capture?

Batman:
Almost from the beginning. How could you have known Robin and your daughter were abducted on the same night?

Ra's Al Ghul:
Unless I had done the abducting?

Batman:
Exactly. And do you think I'd have let you take me anywhere in your place unless I suspected you meant to lead me somewhere? For one thing, there were all those would-be assassins. They knew where we'd be and when. Someone had to be tipping them off, and that someone had to be you. Then there was Ubu, always by his master's side. Always very picky about letting you go ahead of everyone else. Except in Malaysia, where you knew there was danger waiting.

Ra's Al Ghul:
I'm deeply impressed.

Ubu:
The master gave you no permission to leave.

Batman:
I didn't ask for any.

[Overlooking the Lazarus Pit]

Robin:
You want us to put him in that? You're crazy!

Talia Al Ghul:
No, listen to me, I know it is difficult to believe, but the pit is what keeps alive, what *has* kept him alive for 600 years.

Robin:
Batman?

Talia Al Ghul:
Please! You must believe me!

Batman:
We have no choice. He's stopped breathing.

Talia Al Ghul:
Wait, I can't let you leave like this. My father meant you no harm.

Batman:
He had a funny way of showing it.

Ra's Al Ghul:
My time is short. I have no sons. I need a man to assume my position when I am gone.

Batman:
Then it was a test? But why me?

Ra's Al Ghul:
Because you are most worthy. That is now proven beyond any doubt. And because my precious daughter loves you.

[Batman is taken back by the comment]

Batman:
Forget it.

Ra's Al Ghul:
Then this means we must be enemies. You will regret this insult, detective!

Ubu:
[Batman, in disguise, fights Ubu and knocks him to the ground, keeping him there with multiple punches. Batman is then restrained by several of Ra's Al Ghul's henchmen. Ubu grunts as he stands back up] For this indignity I will see you suffer!

[Raises hand to strike Batman]

Ra's Al Ghul:
Enough! What is the meaning of this disturbance, Ubu?

Ubu:
Forgive me, master. But I discovered this most unworthy one spying.

Ra's Al Ghul:
Oh. I believe I would have a closer look at one so foolish... or so brave.

Ubu:
[Ra's Al Ghul unmasks Batman's disguise revealing his cowl] You?

Ra's Al Ghul:
My admiration for you was well-founded, detective.

Batman:
Too bad I can't say the same.

Ubu:
[Batman is relived of the rest of his disguise] Shall I dispatch him, master?

Ra's Al Ghul:
No. For now, just relive him of that cumbersome belt.

[Belt is removed]

Ra's Al Ghul:
Oh, and search him. Make certain that he conceals no surprises which might enable him to escape.

Batman:
You have nothing to lose by telling me what you're doing here!

Ra's Al Ghul:
[Batman is stripped of his gloves, cape, and shirt by the henchmen] Yes, I suppose I do owe you that much, detective, since in many ways you are responsible for it. You see, I had hoped to achieve my vision of an earthly utopia gradually over time, with my heir carrying on my work after I was gone. But your refusal to become my heir has left me no other choice.

Ubu:
[Ubu reaches for Batman's cowl] His mask, master?

Ra's Al Ghul:
No, leave it. It is a mark of honor. Even though because of him I must now use what I call the 'Lazarus Effect' to achieve my utopia in one bold stroke.

Batman:
[is escorted to Ra's Al Ghul's command center] How?

Ra's Al Ghul:
The material of the pit is an unknown chemical stew that bubbles to the earth's surface only at certain key places. Even now my people are placing bombs such as that one over the various Lazarus pits around the world. These bombs are electronically linked to a private satellite already in Earth orbit.

Batman:
Morpheus!

Ra's Al Ghul:
Precisely! And at the moment when sun and moon are in proper alignment to cause the greatest upheaval in earth's geomagnetic field, I shall send a signal to that satellite beginning a countdown. Precisely! And at the moment when sun and moon are in proper alignment to cause the greatest upheaval in earth's geomagnetic field, I shall send a signal to that satellite beginning a countdown.

[Collage of images showing what will happen]

Ra's Al Ghul:
Five minutes thereafter one bomb will be lowered deep into the heart of each pit. The satellite will in turn relay a microwave signal that will detonate all the bombs simultaneously. The multiple explosions will result in a global chain reaction. All the Lazarus pits throughout the world will overflow. The globe will be saturated with their chemical solution and when the resultant cataclysm has abated there will come a blessed peace. And this poor defiled planet shall find itself restored to its former pristine glory.

Batman:
But that will cost countless lives!

Ra's Al Ghul:
Actually, detective, we have counted. 2,56,986,000. A most impressing plan, would you not agree?

Ubu:
[for the umpteenth time] Infidel!

Batman:
If you only knew how sick I am of you calling me that!

Alfred Pennyworth:
That's odd. Only vampires loath daylight more than Batman.

Gaff Morgan (Disguised Bruce Wayne):
[Inquiring about the stew] What is this?

Salvo Smith:
If it's moving, it's a rat. If it isn't, it's a cooked rat.

Boss Biggis:
Why aren't these lowlifes working?

Guard #1:
They have to at, sir.

Boss Biggis:
[noisily chewing on a chicken drumstick] I have to eat. They have to work! From now on, they'll bring me twice the gold ore. Do you hear me?

Guard #1:
Yes, sir. We recruited some new men.

Boss Biggis:
You bums better start busting butt or you'll all end up like... [points to a random worker]... him.

[Two of Boss Biggis' men grab the worker and lock him in a small metal box]

Boss Biggis:
Now, get to work, or you'll all roast.

Dan Riley:
How ya holding up?

Gaff Morgan (Disguised Bruce Wayne):
Okay, I guess.

Dan Riley:
Remember anything yet?

Gaff Morgan (Disguised Bruce Wayne):
I'm beginning to wonder if I ever will.

Dan Riley:
Hey, you can't give up hope. Down here it's all we've got to hang on to.

Gaff Morgan (Disguised Bruce Wayne):
I guess you're right. So, what brought you guys here?

Salvo Smith:
I was one of Gotham City's unemployed. Now I got a job. Lucky me.

Dan Riley:
I was a steamfitter at the Gotham Navy Yard. Two nights a week I did volunteer at the Dock Street Rescue Mission. One night, I was getting into my car and three guys jumped me. I wound up here. My family must be going out of their minds.

Dan Riley:
My son, he's gonna be 6 on April 7th. Or 7 of April 6th. Oh, what's it matter? I'll never see him again!

Gaff Morgan (Disguised Bruce Wayne):
Hang on, Riley. We'll make it. Remember what you told me? You can't lose hope.

Dan Riley:
[sobbing] I can't take it anymore! I lost my family! My family!

[Riley's words start to echo and sparks Gaff's memory. Reminding him that he's actually Bruce/Batman]

Gaff Morgan (Disguised Bruce Wayne):
Riley, you've got to pull it together. We're getting out of here.

[Flying in the Batwing]

Alfred Pennyworth:
This must be the place. Bring us down.

Bat Computer:
Negative.

Alfred Pennyworth:
But Master Bruce is down here, we have to land.

Bat Computer:
Impossible, area too confined.

Alfred Pennyworth:
Land, you bucket of bolts!

Bat Computer:
Your funeral.

Boss Biggis:
If I get my hands on that scumbag, I'll eat him alive!

Guard #1:
[running inside] A bat, a giant bat! Horrible!

Boss Biggis:
What are you babbling about? What bat?

Batman:
[entering with two knocked out henchmen] Right here.

Guard #1:
There it is!

Boss Biggis:
Batman!

Boss Biggis:
Don't let me drown!

Batman:
When you taste the prison food, you'll wish I had.

[Last lines]

Dan Riley:
...it's no palace, but you're welcome to stay at our place until you get back on your feet.

Salvo Smith:
Thanks, Riley. Maybe this time, we can find some work that pays.

[both laugh]

Dan Riley:
You know, pal, it will be tight, but you're welcome too.

Bruce Wayne:
Thanks, but I...

Alfred Pennyworth:
[standing at limo] Are we ready to go, Master Bruce?

Dan Riley, Salvo Smith:
[looking at Bruce] Master Bruce?

Bruce Wayne:
Bruce Wayne... WayneTech Enterprises. If you'd like a job, I can probably help.

Salvo Smith:
Hit me, Riley.

Dan Riley:
Hit you? Why?

Salvo Smith:
Maybe I'll lose my memory and wake up a millionaire, too.

Alfred Pennyworth:
Rough night of crimefighting, sir?

Batman:
Justice will be served, Joker.

The Joker:
Service with a smile?

[Joker throws one of his steel playing-cards at Batman, but it misses him and hits a wall]

Batman:
Clean up your act, Joker.

The Joker:
Oh, that's a joke, right? Batman finally told a joke.

[Joker laughs maniacally]

The Joker:
[when going to rob] When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.

Alfred Pennyworth:
Well, you'll be happy to know I've drawn you a bath. Whenever you're ready, sir.

[Bruce approaches the tub, which is empty]

Bruce Wayne:
What's the deal, Alfred?

[Alfred holds up a small card, with a picture of a tub on it]

Alfred Pennyworth:
I said I "drew you a bath," sir. April Fools!

Bruce Wayne:
Very funny, Alfred. I guess I'll just take a shower.

Alfred Pennyworth:
[to himself] Not a funnybone in his entire body.

The Joker:
[dangling over a garbage incinerator] Batman! You wouldn't let me fry, would you?

[Batman ponders for a moment, with a slight grin on his face]

The Joker:
[whining] Batman!

[Batman finally pulls The Joker up]

The Joker:
[Batman destroys Captain Clown by pushing him into a garbage disposal] You killed Captain Clown! YOU KILLED CAPTAIN CLOWN! Just for that, Batman...

[activates a crane to dump an entire truckload of garbage on Batman]

The Joker:
Hey, Batman! You stink so bad I can smell you from here! [laughing] Pee-uuuu! Pew, pew, pew!

Batman:
Alfred, I left the hex key upstairs in the den. Would you bring it down?

Alfred Pennyworth:
Oh, go fetch it yourself! [Blows raspberry]

Batman:
Very funny, Alfred. But I've no time to play.

The Joker:
Justice is best served hot, Batman! You're going to melt just like a grilled cheese sandwich!

The Joker:
Whoops! Look likes our air holes have turned into water holes! What-a-shame!

[laughs]

The Joker:
You shouldn't have made Captain Clown MAD.

The Joker:
That's great, Harley. Really, but you've forgotten the first rule of comedy: if you have to explain the joke... THEN IT ISN'T FUNNY!

G. Carl Francis:
[seeing the Joker] Great Scots!

The Joker:
Actually I'm Irish!

The Joker:
Since you don't like my side-splitters, how 'bout a skull-splitter?

[after dissecting a Joker fish]

Batman:
Well, he's not out to poison people. This diluted toxin only affects fish.

Alfred Pennyworth:
Maybe he's trying to make us all die from disgust.

The Joker:
If this lunch meat figured out where we are, Batman won't be far behind. And why spoil my sharky's appetite, when I can feed him bigger fish?

Harley Quinn:
Eyugh! Again with the fish, I *hate* fish!

[off Joker's glare]

Harley Quinn:
Uh, no offense, Mr. J.

The Joker:
Poor Harley. This entire caper's been really rough on you, hasn't it?

Harley Quinn:
Uh-huh.

The Joker:
Cheer up! You can be my very own little mermaid.

[Harley squeals with joy, then Joker pulls a giant rubber fish head over her, and laughs]

Harley Quinn:
You're really sick, you know that, boss?

The Joker:
Mmm-hmmm.

[after a narrow escape from a shark tank]

Batman:
You okay?

[Bullock keeps coughing out water, but:
]

Bullock:
Just give him one for me, will you?

[Batman smiles and takes off after Joker]

The Joker:
Don't speak to me again,'kay? Now, what's everyone in town talking about?

G. Carl Francis:
Your fish?

The Joker:
[slaps Francis with a fish] I told you not to speak!

The Joker:
[clubs Batman with a wrench] Meanwhile, back at the wrench...

Harleen Quinzel:
[the Joker places a giant fish head over Harley] You're really sick, you know that, boss?

The Joker:
Hmm-humm.

[on TV Harley stands in the kitchen wearing a "kiss the cook" apron. The Joker's men are made up as young children]

Harley Quinn:
They're finny and funny and oh so delish. They're joyful and jolly. Jokerfish!

The Joker:
Say, Mom, wondering what to feed the family tonight?

Harley Quinn:
What'll I feed the family tonight?

[the Joker enters wearing a raincoat and hat. He looks like an old sea captain]

The Joker:
Arr! Try me famous Joker fish. There's Smiling Smelt, Giggling Grouper and Happy Haddock.

Alfred Pennyworth:
[Watching with Batman] This could cause a stampede to pork.

The Joker:
[He holds up a fork with a morsel of fish to Harley's mouth] Yummy yum yum. Eat it!

Harley Quinn:
Uh, Mr. J? I have this little problem with fish.

[he shoves the food into her mouth]

Harley Quinn:
[With her mouth full] Yummy yum yum.

[Harley steps offscreen. The Joker turns to face the camera]

The Joker:
Yes, friends, that's Jokerfish.

[Harley is heard puking up the fish]

The Joker:
Tasty, tempting, and of course...

Joker's Men:
Naturally low in cholesterol.

The Joker:
Coming to your local store.

[He begins to grow angry]

The Joker:
As soon as that nasty Mr. G. Carl Francis decides to give me my legal cut of the profits!

Batman:
Are you all right, Mr. Francis?

G. Carl Francis:
It's been so crazy today. I haven't even had time to wash that stuff the Joker's girl sprayed me with this afternoon.

Batman:
[yelling] Get this man to a hospital now!

[watching one of the Joker's fish commercials]

Alfred Pennyworth:
This could cause a stampede to pork.

Harley Quinn:
Gee, boss, you really know how to put the fun in funeral.

[Harvey Bullock looks suspiciously at a lawyer]

Detective Harvey Bullock:
Hey, don't I know you from somewhere?

Harley Quinn:
I believe I served you with a subpoena once... It was a small subpoena.

The Joker:
You know, there's just one thing bothering me about your story, Sidney. No body. No Batus delecti, if you will. We need to pull a job tonight to be sure.

Murphy:
Be sure of what, boss?

The Joker:
[doing a double-take at Murphy] Why that old Batsy's bought the cave, of course. And one more thing, Murphy... don't ask stupid questions.

[Joker pushes Murphy into the midst of Harley Quinn's two hyenas, who claw off his shirt and lick him silly]

Harley Quinn:
I'll get the mop.

The Joker:
Any questions, Murph?

Murphy:
[cut-up and bandaged] No, sir!

The Joker:
Good man.

[Joker seals Sidney in a coffin and sends him on a conveyor belt toward a vat of acid]

Sidney Debris:
Would it help if I said I was sorry? I'm really, really, really, really sorry!

[Sid stumbles over a ledge and clutches Batman's cape, hampering the Knight]

Batman:
Stop struggling! Let go!

[after locking Sid in a coffin and dropping the coffin into a vat of acid]

The Joker:
Well, that was fun! Now, who's for Chinese?

Rupert Thorne:
From pinching pennies to rubbing elbows with the Joker! Not bad, Sidney...

Sidney Debris:
Please. Connections like HIM I can do without...

[the Joker raids a jewelry shop, and waits for Batman to appear. Ages later, a number of policemen show up, but no Knight in sight... ]

The Joker:
WHERE IS HE? He's never been late! There's a certain rhythm to these things: I make trouble, he shows up, we have a few laughs and the game starts all over again! [glowers at Sid]

The Joker:
Only now, thanks to YOU... I have this terrible feeling that he's really not coming.

Harley Quinn:
[covered in jewels] Whheee! Look at all the pretties!

The Joker:
Put them back, Harley.

Harley Quinn:
Awww, you're such a kidder, Mr J. You never could...

The Joker:
[grabbing Harley in a chokehold] I said put them back! [tosses her across the room]

Harley Quinn:
[shocked] S-s-sure, boss. I can do that. This is me putting them back. No problemo...

The Joker:
[sadly] Without Batman, crime has no punchline...

Rupert Thorne:
So the famous Sid the Squid is merely a pathetic victim of circumstances... just how stupid do you think I am?

Sidney Debris:
Excuse me?

Rupert Thorne:
Do you think I didn't hear the rumors about the third-rate stumblebum who took out the Batman? And now you say you accidentally made a fool out of the Joker? No one's that lucky OR stupid!

Sidney Debris:
But I am, honest!

[Thorne tries to shoot Sid, but suddenly... ]

Rupert Thorne, Sidney Debris:
YOU? [the Batman appears]

[Batman disarms an armed Thorne]

Batman:
That's for pulling a gun.

[He then throws Thorne into a table]

Batman:
That's for the drugs.

[knocks Thorne unconscious]

Batman:
And that's for any I missed.

Sidney Debris:
Boy, am I glad to see you! Wait a minute... how come you're alive?

Batman:
I rolled away from the tank before it exploded. Since you thought I was dead, I thought I'd follow you and find out about the drug racket.

Sidney Debris:
Then... it was you who saved me from the Joker?

Batman:
That's right.

Sidney Debris:
Well, glad to be of service. See ya...

[walks off, but Batman grabs his jacket]

Batman:
You're still an accomplice in Thorne's gang.

Sidney Debris:
[sad laugh] Guess I just can't win for losing, huh?

Batman:
Oh, I don't know. In the right environment, a man of your "dangerous reputation" could gain a lot of respect...

[last lines]

[In prison, Sid is hailed as the man who NEARLY killed Batman]

Sidney Debris:
A big shot at last!

[first lines]

[arriving at Rupert Thorne's manion]

Sidney Debris:
[agitated] I have to speak to Mr Thorne!

[Batman's eulogy, by the Joker]

The Joker:
Dear friends... Today is the day that the Clown cried. And he cries not for the passing of one man, but for the death of a dream. The dream that he would someday taste the ultimate victory over his hated enemy. For it was the Batman who made me the happy soul I am today. How I agonized over the perfect way to thank him for that. Perhaps with a cyanide pie in the face. Or an exploding whoopie-cushion playfully planted in the Batmobile.

[Anger starts to creep into his tone as he looks at Sidney; everyone moves away from Sid quickly]

The Joker:
But those dreams were dashed by the weaselly little gunsel sitting there in our midst. The cowardly insignificant gonif who probably got lucky when Batman slipped on the slime trail this loser left behind him. This mound of diseased hyena filth who's not fit to lick the dirt from my spats...!

[regains composure]

The Joker:
But I digress. The time for sorrow has passed. It's time to look to a future filled with smiles. And I'll be smiling again just as soon as we take that man THERE...

[points to Sid]

The Joker:
...and slap him in that box THERE...

[points to Batman's coffin]

The Joker:
...and roll him into that vat of acid THERE!

[points to said vat of acid]

Sidney Debris:
No! No! I didn't mean it!

[the Joker's henchmen grab him and stuff him into the coffin]

Sidney Debris:
This isn't funny!

Sidney Debris:
Who'd want to bail me out? My mother doesn't even speak to me anymore, and my parole officer's still in jail...

[Sid's lawyer uses a powder puff on her face intensively]

Sidney Debris:
[coughing] Lady, ease off on the make-up!

Harley Quinn:
My boss likes me to wear a smile to work...

The Penguin:
Then we're going to pull a switch... on a switch.

Rundle:
Um, excuse me? Where will this take me?

The Penguin:
On a sea cruise.

The Penguin:
I wanted the rare ones. The reverse audobon! These aren't even worth enough to pay for the repairs to the limousine. Give me one good reason why I shouldn't have Percival here peck out your eyes.

Earl Cooper:
[sees the damaged Batmobile] You been letting the kid drive again?

Robin:
Ha ha. Actually we were playing chicken with a penguin.

Batman:
Or three of his men.

Batman:
I need a new car.

Two-Face:
Get outta my face, clown!

The Joker:
Which one?

The Joker:
Why, Hugo, why didn't you tell us about your fear of flying?

Dr. Hugo Strange:
Joker, please! I was set up! Bruce Wayne is Batman!

Two-Face:
That's absurd! I know Bruce Wayne. If he's Batman, I'm the King of England!

The Joker:
And people say I'm crazy!

[preparing to toss Strange out of a plane]

The Joker:
Now remember, it's not the fall, it's the sudden stop!

The Joker:
[on his answering machine] Ha, ha, ha! Boy, did YOU get a wrong number! Leave your message at the sound of the shriek.

Man on Answering Machine:
No, please, don't... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

The Joker:
Careful with that luggage, you might lose your tip, or your head.

Sewer King:
[after Batman saves him from a subway train] Why? Why? Why?

Batman:
I don't pass sentence. That's for the courts. But this time - THIS TIME - I am sorely tempted to do the job myself.

Sewer King:
And after all I've done for you ungrateful little monsters, I took you in when nobody else would have you! It is I who care for you, I who provide for you, and only I who knows what's good for you! Would you rather I send you back into the light? Back to those who hurt you and sent you away? There will be nothing to eat until Frog is found! Now, out with you! OUT WITH YOU!

Batman:
Grab my hand!

Sewer King:
Never! [Lets go and falls]

Batman:
A gruesome fate for a gruesome man.

Sewer King:
[alive and well] I rather enjoyed it.

[Batman has just saved some kids from playing chicken on the railroad tracks]

Batman:
You play chicken long enough, you fry.

Sewer King:
Lesson number one is: NO TALKING! Children are to be seen and not heard. We are the Underdwellers. We are the silent ones. We follow the invisible creed. But, but, but, but, but, but... someone was talking. [Points at Jack] You! You, you, you, you, you were heard! And we all know the punishment for talking. Don't we, boys and girls?

Sewer King:
A few hours in the light will make Jack a bright boy.

Batman:
Children and guns do not mix. Ever.

Dr. Jervis Tetch:
As the great Lewis Carrol himself once said, 'One, two, one, two, through and through. And then the rope went snicker-snack. He left it dead and with its head, he went galumping back!'

[the Clock King suddenly enters Hill's office]

Mayor Hamilton Hill:
You! But how did you get past...

The Clock King:
Good evening, Mayor! Nice to see you again too. And whose life are you ruining now? A poor pensioner? A malnourished orphan, perhaps?

Harley Quinn:
I just wanna say, if there was no Batman, there'd be no Joker, and I'd have never met my Puddin'. Thank you, Batman.

[Batman glares at her]

D.A. Janet Van Dorn:
Sad, isn't it. Harleen Quinzel was a doctor here at Arkham until the Joker twisted her mind.

Harley Quinn:
Ha! You're just jealous because you don't have a fella who's as lovin' and loyal to you as my Puddin' is to me!

D.A. Janet Van Dorn:
Ah-ha. And I suppose it was that same "loyalty" I saw the last time you escaped and "Puddin'" here...

[points to the Joker]

D.A. Janet Van Dorn:
...finked on you in hopes of getting time off!

Harley Quinn:
Is that true, Puddin'?

The Joker:
[sheepishly] "Finked" is such an ugly word...

Harley Quinn:
[grabs the Joker and starts shaking him] You lousy, scum sucking creep!

The Joker:
The witness is excused!

D.A. Janet Van Dorn:
I suppose you, like your friends, claim that Batman 'drove' you to be a criminal?

The Mad Hatter:
He did.

D.A. Janet Van Dorn:
And yet, as I recall your case, you brainwashed and kidnapped a woman who rejected you.

The Mad Hatter:
Batman forced me to do it! He was going to take her away from me, I had no choice!

D.A. Janet Van Dorn:
You could have respected her wishes and left her alone.

The Mad Hatter:
I'D HAVE KILLED HER FIRST! Oop! I'd like that last statement stricken from the record please.

The Joker:
Record? Is someone supposed to be writing this down?

D.A. Janet Van Dorn:
I used to believe Batman was responsible for you people but now I see nearly everyone here would have ended up exactly the same, Batman or not. Oh, the gimmicks might be different, but you'd all be out there in some form or another that brings misery to Gotham. The truth is, you created him.

Scarface:
[as the Joker aims a gun] No, you'll hit Croc!

The Joker:
What's your point?

Scarface:
Court is now in session! The Good People of Arkham Asylum vs. the self-righteous vigilante called Batman! Our prosecutor is ready, likewise our fair and impartial jury!

The Mad Hatter:
Hang him!

Harley Quinn:
Shoot him!

Killer Croc:
Hit him with a rock!

Scarface:
And now, all rise for the most honorable, most benevolent, most merciful Judge Joker!

The Joker:
[bangs gavel] Guilty!

D.A. Janet Van Dorn:
I was promised a chance to defend my client!

The Joker:
Oh, very well. Like it'll make a difference.

Two-Face:
Nobody panic!

[Everyone turns to find Harley Quinn dangling from the ceiling, strapped in Batman's straightjacket]

The Joker:
OK... start panicking.

[last lines]

D.A. Janet Van Dorn:
I see now there's a need for what you do. But I'm still going to work towards a city that doesn't need Batman.

Batman:
Me too.

Rupert Thorne:
All men have something to hide. The brighter the picture, the darker the negative.

Rupert Thorne:
We need to dig up some dirt on our dashing D.A., something really juicy.

Candice:
Well I'm afraid that's going to be a problem. Dent's so clean, he squeaks.

Rupert Thorne:
Just stay on his tail, Candice. All men have something to hide. The brighter the picture, the darker the negative.

Candice:
Dent's so clean he squeaks.

Rupert Thorne:
[referring to Harvey Dent] Everyone's got something to hide. The brighter the picture, the darker the negative.

Dr. Nora Crest:
[to a hypnotized Harvey Dent] Now Harvey, I would like to speak with your other personality. I would like to talk with 'Big Bad Harv.'

Harvey Dent:
I don't think he wants to talk...

Dr. Nora Crest:
He must if we're to help you. Please try.

[Harvey struggles, then opens his eyes and tosses a coin]

Dr. Nora Crest:
Big Bad Harv?

Big Bag Harv (Two-Face):
[in Two-Face's voice] Speaking.

Dr. Nora Crest:
It appears you and Harvey are having trouble again.

Big Bag Harv (Two-Face):
The guy's a wimp.

Dr. Nora Crest:
Well, Harvey has special problems. When he was young, he felt very guilty about his angry feelings. So guilty that he hid them deep inside until they became an illness. You, Big Bad Harv, represent these angry feelings. Everyone has anger and it does not harm, as long as it doesn't result in bad behavior. Once Harvey understands this...

Big Bag Harv (Two-Face):
Then maybe I'll go away. Right?

Dr. Nora Crest:
Well...

Big Bag Harv (Two-Face):
[Harvey suddenly stands and throws the table aside] I'm goin' nowhere, Missy! If anyone's leaving, it's Mr. Goody-good!

[throws a lamp through the window]

Big Bag Harv (Two-Face):
And maybe you with him!

Big Bad Harv (Two-Face):
Harvey... Harvey Dent.

Harvey Dent:
No! Keep away! Leave me alone!

Big Bad Harv (Two-Face):
[Chuckles] Where you going, Harvey? You can't get away from me. ["Big Bad Harv" appears in front of Harvey] See what I mean?

Harvey Dent:
Stay away! I want no part of you!

[Big Bad Harv starts flipping a coin]

Harvey Dent:
No! Stop it! Stop it, I said!

Big Bad Harv (Two-Face):
It's time, Harvey. It's time.

Rupert Thorne:
[Reading Harvey's file] Listen to this boys. Says here that when Harvey was a little boy, he was bothered by a bully. Everyday the bully would bug him after school, until one day little Harvey got so mad, he slugged him one.

Thorne's Thugs:
Oooh.

Rupert Thorne:
Of course, the bully ran away, which made little Harvey very proud. Until he heard that the bully was in the hospital.

Candace:
That was some punch.

Rupert Thorne:
That's what Harvey thought. Except the guy was in the hospital for appendicitis. But poor Harvey felt so guilty, he never showed his anger again. And that was the start of Big Bad Harv.

Harvey Dent:
What do you want?

Rupert Thorne:
Just a few favours from the D.A.'s office.

Harvey Dent:
You're dreaming.

Rupert Thorne:
Otherwise, as a concerned citizen, I'd be compelled to give this to the press. After all, the people of Gotham have a right to know the kind of person... or should I say "persons", they've elected. So, what do you say, Harvey? Do we have a deal?

Harvey Dent:
There's just one problem...

Rupert Thorne:
What's that?

Big Bad Harv (Two-Face):
You're talking to the wrong Harvey.

Candace:
[about Harvey's breakdown] My, this guy is crazy.

Rupert Thorne:
Yeah, crazy like a fox. That little tantrum probably bought him another 10,000 votes.

Harvey Dent:
Chance, Grace. Chance is everything. Whether you're born or not, whether you live or die, whether you're good or bad. It's all arbitrary.

Rupert Thorne:
[to Two-Face] At last we meet face to face to face.

Grace Lamont:
[Two-Face aims a gun at Thorne] Harvey, what are you doing?

Two-Face:
Taking control of my life.

Batman:
Let the law handle it.

Two-Face:
The law? Here's the only law, the law of averages.

[holds up his coin]

Two-Face:
The great equalizer.

[flips it]

[entering a bookie's to rob it]

Two-Face:
Don't bother to adjust the picture! For the next five minutes, I'm in control!

Batman:
I want to help you, Harvey.

Two-Face:
Help me? You don't know anything about me!

Batman:
I know that you have friends, Harvey. Friends who love and care about you

Harvey Dent:
You knew there was something terribly wrong with me! You could have fixed me!

[He puts his face in his hands and looks up to reveal the scarring]

Two-Face:
Now look at me!

Batman:
I'm sorry, Harvey. I tried.

Two-Face:
[the bridge he is standing begins to rock violently. He falls over the edge and screams as he falls toward lava] Why couldn't you save me?

Batman:
[He runs over to try to save him] Harvey! No!

Thomas Wayne:
[Thomas and Martha Wayne are standing underneath a streetlight] Why couldn't you save us, son?

Bruce Wayne:
[Bruce wakes up]

Alfred Pennyworth:
Remember, sir. Harvey Dent is no longer the great man we once knew.

Batman:
I have to believe that somewhere under that monster is my old friend.

Alfred Pennyworth:
That may make him even more dangerous.

Commissioner James Gordon:
Poor Harvey. So filled with anger. Do you think there's any hope?

Batman:
Where there's love, there's hope, Commissioner. But a little luck wouldn't hurt.

Batman:
So, what are you dreaming tonight, Harvey? Peaceful dreams? Nightmares? Maybe both at once. Sleep well, my friend. Where ever you are, whatever you've become, I will save you. I swear.

[waking up in Dr. Dorian's laboratory]

Selina Kyle:
This is kidnapping, mister! Last time I checked, it was highly illegal!

[last lines]

Batman:
[voice-over] Tyger, Tyger, burning bright/In the forests of the night/What immortal hand or eye/Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

Commissioner James Gordon:
I've had cats that made more noise than you.

Batman:
We need to talk about Bullock. I think he might have been responsible for the bomb.

Commissioner James Gordon:
Come on, you know there was evidence that Conway falsely implicated Bullock at the graft inquest.

Batman:
But you have no proof Conway lied.

Commissioner James Gordon:
Look, Harvey Bullock is hard to work with, even harder to like. But he's a good cop, Batman. He's clean.

[Dangling Thorne high above the city]

Rupert Thorne:
Wait! Stop! I'll tell you anything you want!

Batman:
Did you order Spider Conway blown up?

Rupert Thorne:
[manages a laugh] That loser? I wouldn't wipe my shoes on him! Conway's got nothing on me. Let him talk. He could've talked his head off. No problem.

Commissioner James Gordon:
[to Bullock after a police ship is sunk] Remind me never to think of you as a good luck charm.

Det. Harvey Bullock:
Taking me off the case? What kind of shuck and jive is this, Jim? You know what I had to go through just to get Conway out of Stonegate? But it's worth it if his testimony can take down Rupert Thorne.

Commissioner James Gordon:
Which is why Thorne looks good for the bombing. But if I let you go after Thorne, a lot of ugly ancient history is bound to come up. I got to relieve you, Harv, you know that. Unless you want Internal Affairs all over you like a bad rash.

Rupert Thorne:
[after Batman has broken through his greenhouse window] You'd better have the money to pay for that.

Batman:
[Grabbing Thorne] Here's how it works, slimeball. I have questions, and if you have answers, I'll leave you alone.

Rupert Thorne:
Oh, I got plenty of answers.

[Thorne's men run into the greenhouse with guns]

Rupert Thorne:
.38 caliber answers.

Alfred Pennyworth:
Still intent on that scale or what have you, I see.

Batman:
Believe it or not, the cellular structure is human, but the texture of it is almost reptilian.

Alfred Pennyworth:
Mmm, do tell.

Batman:
Bullock might not be the primary suspect after all.

Alfred Pennyworth:
In any event, I've made your favorite - French onion soup. And when you let it get cold this time, note that it's in a microwavable crock.

Batman:
Crock? Alfred, you're beautiful.

Alfred Pennyworth:
Imagine if I'd gotten 'round telling him about the salad.

Killer Croc:
Terrific. Just what I need now. The freak job in the cape.

Batman:
You're no prize yourself.

Killer Croc:
What can I tell ya? Bein' a reptile man ain't pretty. But it's got its upsides. Like having the strength of a crocodile, for instance. But I guess you've learned that by now, huh? The hard way.

Killer Croc:
You know, they used to call Killer Croc the meanest dude in the wrestling federation. Now, they'll call him the guy who iced the Batman.

Batman:
Don't hold your breath.

Det. Harvey Bullock:
Croc? How did you?

Killer Croc:
Escape? Simple. The guards don't think about the sewers. No one does except me.

Det. Harvey Bullock:
It was you who set me up for Spider and Joey?

Killer Croc:
You got it. I wanted you to sweat it out in a cell for a while, like I did. To know what it feels like, the way I do.

Killer Croc:
It would have gone down smooth if you hadn't butted in. But hey, I'm adaptable. When you grow up looking like I do, you gotta learn to go with the flow.

Det. Harvey Bullock:
Why? Why'd you stick your neck out like that to help me?

Batman:
Because I thought you were guilty too... and I was wrong. We may have different ways of enforcing the law, but we both believe in it.

Batman:
Where does a 500-pound gorilla sleep? What's worse than a millipede with sore feet? How do you fit five elephants into a car?

Alfred Pennyworth:
Wherever it wants, a giraffe with a sore throat, and two in the front seat, two in the back and one in the trunk.

Edward Nygma:
Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no tales.

Batman:
[trying to solve the Riddler's puzzle involving four quarters and a penny] Sense, red cents... copper.

Alfred Pennyworth:
'Copper' is another term for policeman.

Batman:
Police, head

[looks at the tops of the coins]

Batman:
quarters.

Alfred Pennyworth:
And four quarters and one penny equal 101 cents.

Batman:
Police Headquarters, room #101.

Robin:
A pixel is worth a thousand words.

Zatanna:
[puts a hand to his mask] What happened to you that made you put this on?

Batman:
A painful memory and a promise.

Zatanna:
I'd say you're keeping that promise pretty well. And for what it's worth, Dad would have been proud of you tonight.

Zatanna:
What do you care about some leggy dame in nylons? Or did I just answer my own question?

Zatanna:
You never wrote.

Batman:
I meant to, really...

Zatanna:
Hey, it's okay. I can see you've been busy.

[as Zatanna appears on stage, Bruce and Alfred are in the audience]

Alfred Pennyworth:
How long has it been? Ten years, twelve?

Bruce Wayne:
And a whole other lifetime.

Alfred Pennyworth:
She and her father were very fond of you.

Bruce Wayne:
I was a different person then.

Alfred Pennyworth:
Yes. Intense, driven, moody... she'd never recognize you now.

[Bruce gives him a look]

John Zatara:
You have the makings of a great magician. I'm truly sorry you have to leave us.

Bruce Wayne:
Me, too. It was an honor to study with you, Zatara.

John Zatara:
But to what end? Three months ago you showed up on my doorstep, with no interest in performing, and yet dying to become an escape artist... [laughs] And for some reason, I ended up teaching you secrets I've never shared with another magician.

Bruce Wayne:
You could have sent me away.

John Zatara:
No. There was something inside you I had no right to deny. Something deep, and painful.

Zatanna:
Here, pick a card. I'll tell your future.

[Bruce does]

Zatanna:
Hmm, I see intrigue, danger... two of hearts.

Bruce Wayne:
[looks] Joker.

Zatanna:
Oh, it's a dumb trick anyway!