Bean

Lt. Brutus:
Mr. Bean, are you presently on any kind of medication?

Mr. Bean:
Not that I know of.

Lt. Brutus:
You certainly could use some.

General Newton:
I don't know the difference between Picasso and a car crash.

David Langley:
Oh Jesus! Oh God! Oh Jesus! Mary mother Jesus of Nazareth!

David Langley:
Why am I worried about this, you did it! All I gotta do is go tell 'em what happened. But they'll say, "Who left him alone with the picture?" And I'll say, "Me". And they'll say, "You're fired" and I'll say, "Fine". They'll say, "No, no, no, firing's not good enough. Let's prosecute you for negligence". I go to jail, my life leaves me, my daughter becomes a prostitute, I wind up on death row sharing a cell with Butch McDick!

David Langley:
I've given my life to art and from here on in, the only art I will get anywhere near are the pictures I draw on the pavement hoping passersby will throw nickels in my hat. I guess the long on the short of it: I wish I'd never been born.

David Langley:
Come on, everybody, it's gonna be great! Dr. Bean is a genius of the very highest order!

Lt. Brutus:
He's a genius, huh?

David Langley:
That's what they tell me.

Lt. Brutus:
Well he looks like a fruit cake to me.

Mr. Bean:
Doesn't it take like 5 hours?

David Langley:
...not... necessarily

[The Langleys have a conference discussing Mr. Bean's arrival]

Jennifer Langley:
[sarcastically] You're kidding.

David Langley:
Come on, it's gonna be great! Let's say there's a chart of the most intelligent people you've ever met in your lives. Well, at number one with the bullet is Dr. Bean.

[The entire family except for David sighs]

David Langley:
Kevin, you know how sometimes you ask me questions that I can't answer.

Kevin Langley:
Yeah, like "What is an intrauterine device"?

David Langley:
I think more like "What's the meaning of life?"

Kevin Langley:
I never asked you that.

David Langley:
That's fine. It doesn't matter! What I'm saying here is that Dr. Bean is a very remarkable man. [to Jennifer] Hey, for all you know, he could be very cute. [cuts to Bean standing in London raising his eyebrows at the camera and walking off. Cuts back to Jennifer]

Jennifer Langley:
Come on, the guy's gonna be a creep. All Englishmen are ugly. I just look at Prince Charles and weep.

David Langley:
Okay, so he's gonna look like Meat Loaf's butt.

Jennifer Langley:
Yeah, and that's if we get lucky.

[Jennifer prepares to leave the room]

David Langley:
Jennifer, no one is asking you to marry him!

Jennifer Langley:
I don't know why we have these family conferences if Dad's already made up his mind. [Alison comes out of the kitchen]

Alison Langley:
Perceptive child.

Kevin Langley:
Hey, what's wrong with Meat Loaf's butt?

David Langley:
[stands up and shouts loudly across the room] Oh, come on, everybody! It's gonna be great! Dr. Bean is a genius at the very highest order!

[Bean attempts to run away from the LAX security officers after they think he is hiding a gun]

LAX Security Officer 1:
Police! Get on him now!

[LAX Security Officers 3 and 4 start to join the chase]

LAX Security Officer 3:
Move it!

[Bean takes a walkalator in the opposite direction because he is surrounded]

LAX Security Officer 1:
Police! Come on! Come on, watch it! Watch it! Everybody, out of the way! In pursuit of a 415, male with a gun heading into zone 10, terminal 2. Get your people over here now! Get out of the way! Get out of the way! Move it! Move! Move! Move! Police! Coming through!

[LAX Security Officers 2, 5, and 6 taking the same walkalator as Bean]

LAX Security Officer 1:
Come on, lady! Watch it! Move! There he is! There he is! Move! Move! Move! Police! everyone on the floor now! [Everybody lies down on the floor including Bean]

Old Woman:
Not you, sweetie.

Mr. Bean:
Oh, right.

[Bean gets up from the floor and runs but is stopped by four LAX security officers by pointing their weapons at him, with two more arriving at the airport's waiting area, behind Bean, so that he cannot escape]

LAX Security Officer 1:
Carefully take out your weapon, holding the butt with two fingers only. Slowly place it on the floor and take three steps back.

[Bean takes out a weapon by placing his hand into his packet, brings it back out in the shape of a gun, and places it on the floor while being surrounded by six LAX security officers, confusing them]

LAX Security Officer 1:
What is this?

LAX Security Officer 2:
I don't know.

LAX Security Officer 1:
Weird.

[Bean seats in front of LAPD Lieutenant Brutus at the LAX security interview room with LAX Security Officer 4 and a detective standing guard behind him]

Lieutenant Brutus:
[after seeing Bean's funny face photo on his passport ID] Mr. Bean, are you presently on any kind of medication?

Mr. Bean:
Not that I know of.

Lieutenant Brutus:
Well, you could certainly use some.

David Langley:
Well, sir, an unorthodox start; but I never expected things with a man of your caliber to be normal. I must confess, I've never actually read any of your work. Tell me, doctor, what exactly is your position at the gallery?

Mr. Bean:
I sit in the corner... and look at the paintings.

David:
Ach! That is brilliant! If only more scholars would do that, just sit and look, not lecture and write and argue, but just sit and look at the paintings themselves. Now that is brilliant.

Bernice Schimmel:
I genuinely believe that we could get Jon Bon Jovi.

David Langley:
Jon Bon Jovi? To unveil, "Whistler's Mother"?

Bernice Schimmel:
Yes.

David Langley:
[pause a little] I've got nothing against Jon Bon Jovi. The man has had two great hairstyles in the last ten years, which is an achievement not to be sniffed at. But so far as I know, Mr Jovi knows absolutely nothing about 19th-century Impressionism. At least he has not mentioned it in any of his recent songs.

[Bean urinates and after urinating, he opens a faucet and the water sprinkled on his pants. He gets a tissue and wipes into it and trying to get more tissues after using the two tissues but the dispenser is empty. He then uses the hand dryer and hops into it because the air does not reach into his pants. The stand is used and steps into it so that the air from the hand dryer reaches his pants. The chairman of Grierson Gallery sees Bean and washes his hands.]

Chairman:
Hi.

[Bean removes the bulb and plays with it. The chairman realizes that the tissue dispenser is empty and he goes out of the comfort room. The bulb shatters after the chairman closed the door.]

David Langley:
Doctor, we should make a move. We're very late.

[David then closes the door and Bean opens the faucet to wash his hands but again the water sprinkled to his pants.]

[Bean goes out of the comfort room and uses the paper on his pants.]

David Langley:
Oh. We...Doctor, we... if... When you're ready.

Mr. Bean:
Okay.

[Bean fiddles with a remote control, attempting to turn the TV on. Nothing comes up on the set's screen, and music blares instead. David and Alison come into the room]

Alison Langley:
Hello, doctor.

Mr. Bean:
Hello.

[We see that the music is coming from the stereo, which Bean has placed Alison's beloved glass swan on top of]

David Langley:
No, no, no, doctor, that's not for the TV, that's for the--

[Too late; Bean punches a button on the remote that pops open the lid for the stereo's CD player, launching the swan across the room. Alison gasps loudly, horrified. The swan strikes Alison's favorite portrait on the wall above the mantle, knocking it to the floor, where it shatters. Bean stares at the remote, completely dumbstruck]

David Langley:
[after riding at the Ride of Doom for the first time] Incredible! you set? [David wakes up Bean who was sleeping throughout the ride and gets startled]

[Bean spotted the motion simulator controller]

Mr. Bean:
Why don't you get another ticket? Could be more fun second time round.

[David agrees, while Bean tampers the motion simulator controller]

David Langley:
Okay.

Mr Bean:
Brace yourself!

[The ride started and it wobbled widely shook off the tourists, creating a commotion]

[The scene switches to the police station, with a Los Angeles Police Department police officer behind Bean. A detective opens the door and a LAPD police officer goes out of the jail]

[Bean looks at the mirror and after standing, faces into it]

[David and Lieutenant Brutus watch Bean make faces in front of a two-way mirror]

Lieutenant Brutus:
He's a genius, huh?

David Langley:
That's what they tell me.

Lieutenant Brutus:
Well, he looks like a fruitcake to me. Are you willing to take responsibility for his actions?

Mr. Bean:
BOO!

David Langley:
Ohh!

Lieutenant Brutus:
Well, you're a braver man than me, and I single-handedly take on gangs armed with AK-47s. Get him outta here. Tell him his is a butt I would dearly love to kick. And the next time, I will.

David Langley:
[hurries into the kitchen] How could I forget? [horrified when he sees Bean has pulled the Thanksgiving turkey out of the fridge] Oh, no way! No! No, that's for Thanksgiving, Alison would kill me! No, there's gotta be something else. [looks in the fridge] Okay, you stuff it, I'll distract 'em.

[Bean tries to block the main door with a plant when David walks in via the side door]

David Langley:
Seems to be a problem with the...[notices Bean trying to block the main door]...door. [notices the "Whistler's Mother" painting is gone] Where's the picture gone?

Mr. Bean:
Uh... Um, uh...

David Langley:
What? What? What? What? [Bean picks up the painting with the tarp over it and drops the tarp to reveal a cartoon face over the damaged spot; David freaks out] OH, JEEZ! OH, GOD! OH, OH, JEEZ! GOD, OH! MARY, MOTHER OF JESUS! JESUS OF NAZARETH! [Bean quickly turns the painting away while David shuts the door and locks it] Wait a minute... Why am I worried about this?! You did it! All I have to do is go out and tell them what happened! Oh, perfect! Then they'll say, "Who left him alone with the picture?" And I say, "Me"! And they'll say "You're fired!" I say "Fine"! No, no, no, no, no! Then they say "Firing's not enough. Let's prosecute you for negligence." Then I go to jail, my wife leaves me, my daughter becomes a prostitute, I wind up on death row sharing a cell with Butch McDick! [takes a deep breath] All right, calm down. I just gotta calm down. Okay, okay. Give me one more look at the painting. [Bean shows David the painting again; David freaks out once again] OH, GOD! OH, GOD! [David screams out of the window] GOD! OH, GOD!

[David and Bean walk outside the exhibition room; David feels miserable]

David Langley:
Hey, do you drink, Bean?

Mr. Bean:
No.

David Langley:
Good, neither do I.

[Bean and David are walking home drunk after drinking at a bar]

Mr. Bean and David Langley:
[singing while intoxicated] ?Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream, if you see a crocodile, don't forget to scream!? [Bean screams]

Mr. Bean and David Langley:
?Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream, if you see a crocodile, don't forget to scream!? [both scream loudly when they approach the front door to David's house to find Alison already home]

Kevin Langley:
I can't sleep. I can't stop thinking about naked women. What about you?

Mr. Bean:
Whistler's Mother.

Kevin Langley:
Well, whatever turns you on.

David Langley:
I must admit, over the time you've been here, certain... suspicions have begun to gather in my mind. I'm going to be frank here... Okay? number one: are you a doctor?

Mr. Bean:
Ummm... [shakes head]

David Langley:
Okay. Number two: do you know anything about art? I mean... let me see... was Leonardo Da Vinci a famous American basketball player?

[Sniggers; Bean looks confused, David's face drops]

Mr. Bean:
...Yes.

[David nods slowly and brings his hand up to his face]

David Langley:
Doesn't it take, like, five hours? Right?

Mr. Bean:
...not... necessarily.

Mr. Bean:
[giving speech about the painting] Well, hello, I'm Dr. Bean, apparently. And my job is to sit and look at paintings. So, what have I learned that I can say about this painting? Well, firstly, it's quite big, which is excellent. Because if it was really small, you know, microscopic, then hardly anyone would be able to see it, which would be a tremendous shame. Secondly, and I'm getting quite near the end of this... analysis of this painting. Secondly... Why was it worth this man, here, spending fifty million of your American dollars on this portrait? And the answer is... well, this picture is worth such a lot of money, because... it's a picture of Whistler's mother. And as I've learned, by staying with my best friend, David Langley and his family, families are very important. And even though Mr. Whistler was perfectly aware that his mother was a hideous old bat who looked like she'd had a cactus lodged up her backside, he stuck with her, and even took the time to paint this amazing picture of her. It's not just a painting. It's a picture of a mad old cow who he thought the world of. And that's marvelous. Well, that's what I think anyway.

Mr. Bean:
[at the virtual rollercoaster ride talking to David] Brace yourself!

Lieutenant Brutus:
[about Mr. Bean getting arrested twice] Tell him his is a butt I would dearly love to kick. And next time I will.