Bedazzled

Elliot Richards:
Damn the Devil! Damn the Devil to Hell!

The Devil:
Paragraph one states that I, the Devil, a not-for-profit organization, with offices in Purgatory, Hell, and Los Angeles, will give you seven wishes to use as you see fit.

Elliot Richards:
Seven? Why not eight?

The Devil:
Why not SIX? I don't know. Seven just sounds right.

The Devil:
Seven utterly fabulous wishes for one piddling, little soul?

Elliot Richards:
"I, Elliot Richards, hereafter known as the Damned" - the Damned?

The Devil:
How about "the Darned," sound better?

Elliot Richards:
I wish to be the world's most sensitive man. No, wait - the world's most emotionally sensitive man.

The Devil:
Damn. Coulda had a lot of fun with that one.

The Devil:
How would you like to make one simple decision that will change your life forever?

Elliot Richards:
Ok, I'm glad scientology works for you but...

Elliot Richards:
You are so bad!

The Devil:
I know. I've been really naughty, haven't I? Perhaps a good spanking's in order?

Elliot Richards:
Is that all you ever think about? Is that all life is to you, sex, sex, sex?

The Devil:
Of course not! There's greed, gluttony, sloth, vanity, anger, envy...

The Devil:
I am the Devil! Satan, Lucifer, Beelzebub, the Prince of Darness! Well, the Princ-ess, anyway...

Elliot Richards:
This is breaking and entering!

The Devil:
I know! It's fun, isn't it?

Elliot Richards:
No! That's not fair.

The Devil:
Fair? Who do you think you're talking to? I don't recall anybody accusing me of being fair before. I'm insulted.

The Devil:
Your soul is like your appendix. You never use it.

Elliot Richards:
Oh yeah? If it's so useless, how come you want it so bad?

The Devil:
Oh, aren't you a clever one?

The Devil:
Did your parents just make me up so you'd be a good boy?

The Devil:
You know, you'd think that meeting the Devil would be interesting enough but no. All people want to know about is Him. Like He's so bloody fascinating!

Elliot Richards:
So He's a man?

The Devil:
Yeah, most men think they're God, this one just happens to be right.

Elliot Richards:
I'm starting to think women don't know what they want.

The Devil:
Amen!

Elliot Richards:
My soul? You want me to give you my SOUL?

The Devil:
What are you, James Brown?

The Devil:
My life is a living hell!

The Devil:
You're so nervous, Elliot.

Elliot Richards:
How do you know my name?

The Devil:
I'm psychic. Plus it's on your name tag.

Elliot Richards:
Ah... well, you go out there and you give a 110%, and you wanna play good, and... you know... you hope you play good... I think we played pretty good tonight!

The Devil:
It's not easy being the Barbra Streisand of Evil.

Elliot Richards:
Eternity.

Elliot Richards:
I think somebody has had tee many martoonis.

Elliot Richards:
Mayo-nayo-naise. Swimming by the sandy shore, dancing up among the waves, dolphin, dolphin I adore everything you are. You're so much more than a fish to me, my playful friend beneath the sea.

Elliot Richards:
ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee.

Elliot Richards:
What are you doing here?

The Devil:
Just think of me as a computer virus.

Elliot Richards:
I think of you as a PLAGUE!

Elliot Richards:
I'm telling you, the Devil gypped me for a HAMBURGER!

Elliot Richards:
I'm gay. Well, thanks for dropping by.

Elliot Richards:
I think I'll call you a cab... Although I think it'll be hard to find one that goes to HELL this time of night!

The Devil:
OOOOOOh. What a delightfully piquant wit.

The Devil:
I'm not all peaches and cream, you know. I have a darker side, and believe me, it's not pretty.

The Devil:
Now listen here, you disgusting little maggot. This is your last chance before the big wienie roast. Make a wish or forever burn in hell!

Elliot Richards:
I think you're hot.

The Devil:
Baby, you've got no idea...

Elliot:
I wish to be the most sensitive man in the world. Oh, wait! I wish I were the most emotionally sensitive man in the world.

The Devil:
Damn. I was hoping you wouldn't catch that. I could've had a lot of fun with that one.

[the Devil is reading Allison's diary]

Elliot Richards:
You can't read that, that's private stuff!

The Devil:
You're telling me, listen to this. "Last night was the most incredible night of my life. I never did get any of the guys' names, but I brought them back home and all five of them banged me like a Salvation Army drum".

Elliot Richards:
What?

The Devil:
Kidding.

Inmate:
What are you in for, brother?

Elliot:
Eternity.

Inmate:
Oooh. You must've done some really bad sh*t.

Elliot:
The worst— I sold my soul.

Inmate:
Well, I hope you got something good for it.

Elliot:
Actually, I got nothing for it.

Inmate:
Sounds like a really bad deal, if you ask me.

Elliot:
[glances over] I'm not asking you.

Inmate:
Doesn't matter. You can't sell your soul. It doesn't really belong to you in the first place. No way, no how.

Elliot:
Is that so? Then who does it belong to?

Inmate:
[looks straight at Elliot] It belongs to God: that universal spirit that animates and binds all things in existence. The Devil's gonna try and confuse you, but that's her gig. In the end, you're gonna see clear to who you are and what you're here to do. Now, you're gonna make some mistakes along the way. Everybody does. But if you just open up your heart, and open up your mind, you'll get it.

Elliot:
Who are you?

Inmate:
Just a friend brother. Just a really good friend.