Being John Malkovich

Lotte Schwartz:
Don't stand in the way of my actualization as a man.

Craig Schwartz:
Nobody's looking for a puppeteer in today's wintry economic climate.

Craig Schwartz:
Do you know what a metaphysical can of worms this portal is?

Craig Schwartz:
My name is Craig Schwartz and I have an interview with Dr. Lester.

Floris:
Please have a seat, Mr. Juarez.

Craig Schwartz:
My name is Schwartz.

Floris:
"My name is Wartz"?

Craig Schwartz:
You see the world through John Malkovich's eyes. Then after about 15 minutes, you're spit out into a ditch on the side of the New Jersey Turnpike!

Charlie:
Truth is for suckers, Johnny Boy.

Charlie:
Maybe she's using you to channel some dead lesbian lover.

John Malkovich:
The weird thing is, this Maxine likes to call me "Lotte".

Charlie:
Ouch. That is hot. Maybe she's using you to channel some dead lesbian lover. Sounds like my kind of gal. Let me know when you're done with her, yeah?

John Malkovich:
What are you talking about, "Done with her", man? Tonight really freaked me out!

Dr. Lester:
She has her doctorate in speech impedimentology from Case Western.

John Malkovich:
You see, Maxine, it isn't just playing with dolls.

Maxine:
You're right, my darling, it's so much more. It's playing with people!

Maxine:
Meet you in Malkovich in one hour.

John Malkovich:
MALKOVICH!

Guy in Restaurant:
'Scuse me.

John Malkovich:
Mm-hmm?

Guy in Restaurant:
Are you John Malkovich?

John Malkovich:
Yes, I am.

Guy in Restaurant:
Wow! You're really, uh, great in that movie...

John Malkovich:
Oh?

Guy in Restaurant:
...where you play that retard.

John Malkovich:
Oh, thank you very much. Thank you.

Guy in Restaurant:
I have a cousin... who's a retard.

John Malkovich:
Oh, thank you.

Guy in Restaurant:
Yeah. So, um... as you might imagine, it... means a lot to me to see... retards... portrayed, uh, on the silver screen so compassionately.

John Malkovich:
Well, thank you very much, I appreciate it.

Maxine:
Craig, I don't find you attractive, but Lotti I'm smitten with you. I am but only when in your in Malkovich. When I was with him last night, I was looking into his eyes and could sense your feminine longing.

John Malkovich:
I have seen a world that NO man should see!

Craig Schwartz:
Really? Because for most people it's a rather enjoyable experience.

Craig Schwartz:
With all due respect, John, It's MY portal.

John Malkovich:
It's MY HEAD, Schwartz. It's MY head!

Craig Schwartz:
Can I buy you a drink, Maxine?

Maxine:
Are you married?

Craig Schwartz:
Yes, but enough about me.

John Malkovich:
Did you call me Lotte?

Maxine:
Yeah, do you mind?

John Malkovich:
No, not really.

Dr. Lester:
I've been very lonely in my isolated tower of indecipherable speech.

Craig Schwartz:
There's a tiny door in that empty office. It's a portal, Maxine. It takes you inside John Malkovich. You see the world through John Malkovich's eyes, then, after about fifteen minutes, you're spit out into a ditch on the side of The New Jersey Turnpike.

Maxine:
Sounds delightful. Who the f*** is John Malkovich?

Craig Schwartz:
He's an actor. One of the great American actors of the 20th century.

Maxine:
What's he been in?

Craig Schwartz:
Lots of things. He's very well respected. That jewel thief movie, for example. The point is that this is a very odd thing, supernatural, for lack of a better word. It raises all sorts of philosophical questions about the nature of self, about the existence of the soul. Am I me? Is Malkovich Malkovich? Was the Buddha right, is duality an illusion? Do you see what a can of worms this portal is? I don't think I can go on living my life as I have lived it. There's only one thing to do. Let's get married right away.

Maxine:
Have you ever had two people look at you, with complete lust and devotion, through the same pair of eyes?

Charlie:
Hot lesbian witches! It's f***ing genius!

Dr. Lester:
Which of these two letters comes first, this one or this one?

Craig Schwartz:
The symbol on the left is not a letter, sir?

Dr. Lester:
Damn, you're good. I was trying to trick you.

Dr. Lester:
Any questions?

Craig Schwartz:
Just one. Why are these ceilings so low?

Dr. Lester:
Low overhead, my boy - we pass the savings on to you! But seriously, that'll all be covered in the orientation.

Maxine:
Tell me a little about yourself.

Craig Schwartz:
Well, I'm a puppeteer...

Maxine:
Check!

Craig Schwartz:
You don't know how lucky you are being a monkey. Because consciousness is a terrible curse. I think. I feel. I suffer. And all I ask in return is the opportunity to do my work. And they won't allow it... because I raise issues.

John Malkovich:
Ma-Sheen!

Charlie:
Malcatraz!

Craig Schwartz:
If I can guess your name in three tries, you have to come have a drink with me tonight.

Maxine:
Why not?

Craig Schwartz:
Okay. You look like a... BarrrRuuu - BellllLuuuu - Lllll - Carolllll - Taaaa-Sharrr - - SusaaannnEmmmmilllly - - Marr - laaarr - Maax... ine - M-M-M - Maxine?

Maxine:
Yeah! Who told you?

Craig Schwartz:
Nobody told me. That just came out. Isn't that odd?

Lotte Schwartz:
I think it's kinda sexy that John Malkovich has a portal, y'know, sort of like, it's like, like he has a vagina. It's sort of vaginal, y'know, like he has a, he has a penis AND a vagina. I mean, it's sort of like... Malkovich's... feminine side. I like that.

First J.M. Inc. Customer:
Now when you say that I can be somebody else, whaddya mean exactly?

Craig Schwartz:
Well, we mean exactly that. We can put you inside someone else's body, for fifteen minutes.

First J.M. Inc. Customer:
Can I be anybody that I wanna be?

Craig Schwartz:
Well, you... actually...

Maxine:
You can be John Malkovich.

First J.M. Inc. Customer:
Perfect! It's... my... second choice, but it's wonderful. I'm a fat man. I'm sad and I...

Maxine:
Two hundred dollars.

Craig Schwartz:
You were him, weren't you?

Lotte Schwartz:
Yeah.

Craig Schwartz:
And he was with her!

Lotte Schwartz:
We love her, Craig.

Craig Schwartz:
We?

Lotte Schwartz:
John and me.

Craig Schwartz:
I was thinking about what you were saying the other day, about the orientation film being bullshit.

Maxine:
Yes?

Craig Schwartz:
I think maybe you're on to something.

Maxine:
And fifty other lines to get into a girl's pants.

Maxine:
Here's the thing: If you ever get me, you wouldn't have a clue what to do with me.

Dr. Lester:
Don't toy with Floris, Schwartz.

Craig Schwartz:
Oh, no.

Dr. Lester:
If I was 80 years younger, I'd box your ears.

Craig Schwartz:
I wasn't toying with her sir, I wouldn't - pardon me, how old are you, sir?

Dr. Lester:
105. Carrot juice, lots of it. I swear, sometimes it's not worth it. I piss orange. I have to piss sitting down like a goddamn girlie-girl every fifteen minutes.

Craig Schwartz:
I like you, I don't know what it is about you.

Maxine:
My tits?

Craig Schwartz:
No! No, no, no.

Maxine:
No?

Craig Schwartz:
It's your energy, your attitude, you know, the way you carry yourself.

Maxine:
You're not a fag, are you?

Craig Schwartz:
No, I am really attracted to you.

Maxine:
"No, I am really attracted to you", Christ, you are a fag. Okay, we can share recipes if you like, darling.

Craig Schwartz:
No, no, I love your tits, love 'em, I wanna fondle 'em.

Maxine:
Great, now we're getting somewhere. Not a chance.

Maxine:
You're not someone I could get interested in, Craig, you play with dolls.

Charlie:
You're nuts to let a girl go that calls you Lotte, I tell you that as a friend.

Craig Schwartz:
What happens when a man goes through his own portal?

Dr. Lester:
Floris, Get Guinness on the phone.

Floris:
Right away, Dr. Lester. Genghis Khan Capone.

Lotte Schwartz:
Suck my dick!

Dr. Lester:
My Spunk is manna from heaven.

Larry the Agent:
John! Great to see you! Sorry about the c*nt at reception.

John Malkovich:
This is my fiancée Maxine.

Larry the Agent:
Great to see you, Maxine. Sorry about the c*nt at reception. Please have a seat.

Craig Schwartz:
I've fallen in love, and this is what people who've fallen in love look like.

Maxine:
Well, you picked the unrequited variety. It's very bad for the skin.

Craig Schwartz:
There is truth, and there are lies, and art always tells the truth. Even when it's lying.

Floris:
I can't understand a word you're saying

Floris:
a**hole.

Charlie:
Lookin' great, Flo.

Floris:
"Lookin' grateful"?

Lotte:
You are so full of sh*t Maxine!

Maxine:
I know.

Lotte:
For the first time, everything just felt right.

Craig:
It's just a phase. It's the thrill of seeing through somebody else's eyes.

Maxine:
So I've been thinking...Is this Malkovich fellow appealing?

Craig:
Maxine! Yes, of course, Maxine. He's a celebrity.

Maxine:
Good. We'll sell tickets!

Craig:
Tickets to Malkovich?

Maxine:
Exactly! $200 a pop!

Dr. Lester:
Ah, tell me Lotte, can you understand a word I'm saying?

Lotte:
Oh yes, Dr. Lester, absolutely. You were just explaining the, um, nutritional value of ingesting minerals through a colloidal form, which I personally couldn't agree more with.

Dr. Lester:
Oh, be still my heart!

John M.:
Charlie, I don't know anything about the girl, man! She could be like a f***ing witch or something!

Charlie Sheen:
That's even better! Hot lesbian witches! Think about it! It's f***ing genius!

Dr. Lester:
Any questions?

Craig:
Well, just one. Why are these ceilings so low?

Dr. Lester:
Low overhead my boy! We pass the savings onto you! Hahaha!

John M.:
I have been to the dark side and back! I have seen a world that no man should see!

Craig:
Really? For most people, it's a rather pleasant experience.

Dr. Lester:
Floris! Get Guinness on the phone!

Floris:
Ah, yes sir, Genghis Kahn Capone. Fine.

Dr. Lester:
Damn fine woman, Floris. I don't know how she puts up with this speech impediment of mine.

John Malkovich:
That portal is mine, and it must be sealed forever for the love of God!

Craig:
With all respect, sir, I discovered that portal. Its my livelihood.

John M.:
It's my head, Schwartz, and I will see you in court!

Craig:
And who's to say I won't be seeing what you're seeing... in court?

Craig Schwartz:
I'd f*** me. [Watching television documentary on his puppeteering when he's in John Malkovich's body.]

Craig Schwartz:
Maxine. Maxine. I love you, Maxine. Oh, look away. Look away [Looking through Emily's eyes at the end]

Maxine Lund:
Behind the stubble and the too-prominent brow and the male-pattern baldness... I sensed your feminine longing. And it just slew me.

Maxine Lund:
Sounds great. Who the f*** is John Malkovich?

Lotte Schwartz:
Help! He's locking me in a cage!

John Malkovich:
I have been to the dark side. I have seen a world that no man should see.

John Malkovich:
That portal is mine, and it must be sealed forever for the love of God!

John Malkovich:
It's my head, Schwartz! It's my head!

Dr. Lester:
Forever doomed to watch the world through someone else's eyes.