Bergerac

Detective Sergeant Jim Bergerac:
Jersey is an island. It's nine miles by five. And if you drive *very* slowly, you can take a whole hour to go right round it. But when you get back, there's still the same old restaurants and bars, discos and boutiques. Same sad faces waiting to be faced. Jersey is some kind of prison.

Detective Sergeant Jim Bergerac:
[Drunk] Let me tell you my good man. The whole world is a sandwich.

Charlie Hungerford:
Well, he buys me a drink. Now and then.So long as I pay for it myself.

Detective Sergeant Jim Bergerac:
I must remember not to let him buy me one.

Det. Insp. Barney Crozier:
He can't spell commitment.

Charlotte:
That's my fault.I thought he'd got it wrong.

Duggie Cowley:
Who the hell are you?

Detective Sergeant Jim Bergerac:
Police.

Duggie Cowley:
Oh yeah?The law or the pop group?

Det. Sgt. Jim Bergerac:
Are you from the Fraud Squad? I mean, you don't talk like an average policeman.

Alan Hallowes:
[drunkenly] I talk like an average policeman *should* talk... and *would* if he could.

[Jim opens one of several bars of chocolate found in a suspect's safe, to reveal that the wrapping conceals a wad of banknotes]

Jim Bergerac:
Well it may not be dark but it's certainly rich and satisfying.

[Jim is getting ready for a charity dinner. He asks Susan for her opinion of the dinner jacket that he is wearing]

Jim Bergerac:
How do I look?

Susan Young:
Not too keen on the top...

[camera tilts down to reveal that Jim hasn't put his trousers on yet]

Susan Young:
...but the bottom half is fine by me.

[Jim is questioning the assistant of Per Wemstrom, a very abrasive and forever-complaining Swedish political economist]

Jim Bergerac:
Is there a *right* way to handle that man?

Gillis:
When he's in a good mood, any way is the right way. When he's not, every way is the wrong way. You what you have to understand, what I've learned, he needs constant attention.

Jim Bergerac:
You don't like him, do you?

Gillis:
I work for him, Sergeant. I admire and respect him. Liking or not liking is irrelevant.

Hungerford:
Matt tells me you have a salvage job you want done in a hurry.

Falkenhorst:
And in the greatest confidence.

Hungerford:
Well of course. Salvage experts are like doctors and priests. Only they make a lot more money.

[a mysterious parcel has arrived for Charlie]

Bill Loman:
What *is* that? Ash?

Charlie Hungerford:
I've been sent cigars before, but never pre-smoked!

[talking about Charlie Hungerford, his father-in-law, whose demolition business has made him rich]

Francine:
Mr Hungerford - he's very rich.

Jim Bergerac:
From knocking things down. I don't know who caused more damage in England - him or Adolf Hitler.

[after recovering from injuries received while making an arrest, Jim returned to work but the Chief told him that his medical report meant that he was likely to be dismissed from the police as being unfit for duty, but now he has just arrested a bent gun dealer after a fight, forcing the Chief to reconsider his decision]

Senator:
I'm going to recommend to the committee that the question of your fitness be reviewed at a later date.

Chief:
Reviewed, Jim, which means proved.

[shot of Jim sprinting along a beach as the end credits roll]

[Jim phones Crozier's secretary to ask her for help without Barney finding out]

Charlotte:
[answering phone] Bureau des Etrangers.

Jim Bergerac:
Hello, Charlotte. It's Jim Bergerac. Call me Fred. Listen, I'll buy you a lobster supper if you'll do me a favour.

Charlotte:
[mock-seductively] For lobster you get *all* my favours, Fred.

[while working on a case in France, Jim happens to see Charlie Hungerford going into a hotel with an unknown woman]

Jim Bergerac:
I wonder what *he's* doing here?

Inspector Chazottes:
Perhaps he's having a naughty weekend. It's always good to have some dirt on your in-laws, no?

Jim Bergerac:
Digging up dirt on Charlie Hungerford is as easy as finding garlic in your salad.

[Jim is trying to get a vacuum cleaner to work. It is making rattling, whistling noises]

Charlie Hungerford:
That looks as if it needs mending with a new one, as my old grand-dad used to say.

Det. Sgt. Jim Bergerac:
Yeah, well I bought it second-hand. It probably *belonged* to your old grand-dad!

Charlie Hungerford:
I thought we'd pop into town and see Peter and check up on those houses he was enthusing about. Then if you like the look of them, I'm sure I could arrange a 10 or even 20 per cent discount.

Dorothy Burgess:
Tell me, Charlie. Have you *ever* paid the right price for *anything*?

Charlie Hungerford:
[exaggerated Yorkshire accent] I wouldn't be where I am today, lass, if I'd done owt so daft as that.

[Jim offers to do a deal with Deffand to trade some information in return for Deffand not sacking Lomas for having an affair with a suspect]

Jim Bergerac:
You keep Lomas clean. You defend him. If anyone wants to sack him, you say "Let him who is without sin..."

Inspector Victor Deffand:
What do *I* get out of this deal?

Jim Bergerac:
The man who failed to answer the summons at the Royal Court. The magistrate has issued a warrant. I can tell you where to find him.

Inspector Victor Deffand:
Am I supposed to get excited?

[Bergerac beckons and Deffand grudgingly follows. Bergerac points to a name on Deffand's new white-board that lists all the cases which the department is working on]

Jim Bergerac:
You've had him in custody all the time. He can't attend court if you've got him locked up, can he? If I were you, I'd get down the court house and make your apologies as fast as you can before they figure it out for themselves, otherwise your name could be "Lucky".

Inspector Victor Deffand:
"Lucky"?

Jim Bergerac:
Lucky the judge doesn't jail you for contempt.

[Deffand looks utterly humiliated and Pettit tries hard not to smirk]

[Jim meets Deffand for the first time. Deffand is thoroughly obnoxious to Jim, as he is to everyone]

Inspector Victor Deffand:
Who are you?

Jim Bergerac:
Bergerac, Jim Bergerac. And you?

Inspector Victor Deffand:
Inspector Deffand.

Jim Bergerac:
Oh yes. I'm looking for DC Lomas.

Inspector Victor Deffand:
[patronisingly] Bergerac. *Mister* Bergerac. There used to be a Bergerac who worked here. A sergeant. But he left the place such an ill-disciplined shambles I don't expect *that* Bergerac would dare show his face again. Not here.

Jim Bergerac:
I *was* looking for DC Lomas.

Inspector Victor Deffand:
[peremptorily] Why?

Jim Bergerac:
Well that's between him and me, isn't it?

Inspector Victor Deffand:
Business only here, Mr Bergerac. No secrets. What do you want him for?

Inspector Victor Deffand:
What rank are you?

Inspector Victor Deffand:
Detective Inspector.

Jim Bergerac:
No, I mean in private life. In the big wide world outside this place.

Inspector Victor Deffand:
Don't play games with me, Bergerac.

Jim Bergerac:
*Mister* Bergerac. You see, you only outrank the boys in here. Outside, in the *real* world, in real life, you don't outrank *anyone*. More specifically, you don't outrank me. So could you please try and be civil.

[Stephen has beaten up Jim Bergerac, against Faraday's orders]

Michael Faraday:
Bergerac has been flailing around not knowing who or what he's been looking for.

Stephen:
He still doesn't.

Michael Faraday:
Using the French girl and Hungerford, I could have led him by the nose indefinitely. But now, thanks to you, not any longer. I do wonder, Stephen, what you think you hope you've achieved.

Stephen:
I discouraged him, didn't I?

Michael Faraday:
A man like Bergerac, you either leave strictly alone... or you kill him. I hope, Stephen, you're not stupid enough to believe you've scared him off.

[Ellie passes on a phone message to Jim]

Ellie:
Jim, a Mr Lesgate, of Lesgate and Maloney. He wants to know "would Mr Bergerac care to call on him at his convenience".

Jim Bergerac:
[glibly] I'll call on him anywhere he likes.

[Bergerac is at the late Jerry Bruce's flat, which has been ransacked the day he died. His landlord, Mr Dudley, is tidying up the mess in the flat]

Det. Sgt. Jim Bergerac:
Ah, the books come with the flat, do they, Mr Dudley?

Dennis Dudley:
Do you mind? My interest in black magic faded when Billy Daniels did, love.

Det. Sgt. Jim Bergerac:
Billy, who?

Dennis Dudley:
You heard, Sergeant.

Det. Sgt. Jim Bergerac:
You identified the body for us, didn't you, Mr Dudley?

Dennis Dudley:
Yes and you can keep THAT for a game of soldiers too in future.

Det. Sgt. Jim Bergerac:
Turn you right off, did it?

Dennis Dudley:
Sergeant, I've seen dead bodies before, but I've never seen one with a look like that on his face. My God, anyone would've thought he'd just came face to face with Old Nick himself.

Det. Sgt. Jim Bergerac:
Perhaps he had.

Dennis Dudley:
Smile when you say that, Sergeant.

charlie hungerford :
"aaaaahhhh jimmmmmmm there you are