Better Off Dead

Lane Myer:
Gee, I'm really sorry your mom blew up, Ricky, guess she won't be able to eat any spicy foods for awhile.

Lane Myer:
She only speaks French, Roy. She doesn't speak imbecile.

Lane Myer:
I gotta go, the Christmas tree is on fire. [hangs up the phone.]

Lane Myer:
Two brothers... One speaks no English, the other learned English from watching The Wide World of Sports. So you tell me... Which is better, speaking no English at all, or speaking Howard Cosell?

Charles de Mar:
I've been going to this high school for seven and a half years! I'm no dummy!

Charles de Mar:
This is pure snow. It's everywhere! Do you have any idea what the street value of this mountain is?

Charles de Mar:
Greendale is a bodaciously small town, Lane. A fly speck on the map - a rest stop on the way to the ski slope. I can't even get real drugs here!

Charles de Mar:
[giving skiing instructions] Go that way, really fast. If something gets in your way, turn.

Barney Rubble:
[on TV] Hey there, Lane. I know this is a little awkward me being a cartoon and all, I was just wondering how you'd feel if I took out Beth? [laughs]

Tree Trimmer:
[After Lane falls into a dump truck when trying to commit suicide off of a bridge] Man, that's a real shame when folks be throwin' away a perfectly good white boy like that.

Jenny Myer:
How was your day?

Lane Myer:
Beth just dumped me.

Jenny Myer:
Oh, that's nice.

Lane Myer:
Johnny...

Johnny:
Four weeks, twenty papers, that's two dollars. Plus tip.

Lane Myer:
Gee Johnny, I don't have a dime.

Johnny:
Didn't ask for a dime. Two dollars.

Lane Myer:
Well... it's funny see... my mom, had to leave early to take my brother to school and my dad to work cuz...

Johnny:
Two dollars... cash.

Lane Myer:
See... the problem here is that... my little brother, this morning, got his arm caught in the microwave, and uh... my grandmother dropped acid and she freaked out, and hijacked a school bus full of... penguins, so it's kind of a family crisis... so come back later? Great.

Monique Junot:
I thought if Casanova and I in there had nothing to say to each other, he'd get bored -- go away. Instead he uses it as a chance to put his testicles all over me!

Lane Myer:
Sorry, what?

Monique Junot:
Uh, how you say... octopus... testicles.

Lane Myer:
No, tentacles. N-T. There's a big difference.

Lane Myer:
I have a great fear of tools. I once made a birdhouse in woodshop and the fair housing committee condemned it. I can't.

Monique Junot:
"I cannot do it" is your middle name.

Insanity doesn't run in the family, it gallops

Teenage life has never been darker...or funnier...

I want my two dollars!

Yee Sook Ree:
[imitating Howard Cosell] Truly a sight to behold. A man beaten. The once great champ, now, a study in mopishness. No longer the victory hungry stallion we've raced so many times before, but a pathetic, washed up, aged ex-champion.

Lane Myer:
Alright let's go!

[Crashes]

Charles De Mar:
Wait, wait a minute... [starts to snort snow off his top hat] Oh. Oh! Ugh! Outrageous! I think I just froze the left half of my brain! Look! I can't move my right arm!

Lane Myer:
This isn't funny, Charles! If I don't have a dream, I have nothing!

Charles De Mar:
Ah, come on! It's Christmas Eve! I could be home right now, drinking this monster eggnog my brother makes with lighter fluid.

Charles De Mar:
Suicide is never the answer, little trooper.

Charles De Mar:
The K-12 dude. You make a gnarly run like that and girls will get sterile just looking at you.

Monique Junot:
I think all you need is a small taste of success, and you will find it suits you.

Jenny Myer:
[ladling an unidentifiable gelatinous substance onto dinner plates] I got the recipe from a magazine. The mail got wet in the rain, so some of the pages ran together, but what I couldn't read I just... improvised with my own little... creative ideas. It's got raisins in it. You like raisins.