Big

Young Josh:
I wish I were big.

Josh:
Will you please leave? I got a deadline to meet. God.

Billy:
Who the f*** do you think you are?

Josh:
HEY!

Billy:
You're Josh Baskin, remember? You broke your arm on my roof! You hid in MY basement when Robert Tyson was about to rip your head off!

Josh:
You don't get it, do you? This is important!

Billy:
I'm your best friend. What's more important than that, huh?

Billy:
And I'm three months older than you are, A**HOLE!

Susan:
I want to spend the night with you.

Josh:
Do you mean sleep over?

Susan:
Well... yeah.

Josh:
Well, okay... but I get to be on top.

Josh:
It's a glow-in-the-dark compass ring. So you don't get lost.

Josh:
I'm much better at video hockey.

Paul:
That's not a sport.

Josh:
It requires hand and eye coordination.

Paul:
It's not a sport if you don't sweat.

Josh:
What about golf? It's a sport and you don't sweat.

Paul:
It's not a sport if you let a machine do all the work.

Josh:
What about car racing?

Paul:
Shut up, Baskin.

Josh:
It was called George Washington.

Josh:
Yes. Every morning.

Billy:
I'd use the chain if I were you.

Paul:
What is so special about Baskin?

Susan:
He's a grown up.

Susan:
It happened again. David, the girl is absolutely useless. You've gotta get me someone who knows what she is doing. Excuse me. I'm not getting any of my mail, nothing has been filed. Ever since she got engaged, my life has been a disaster.

Personnel Director:
You know, she came so highly recommended.

Susan:
She spent the last three months writing down her married name. "Mrs. Judy Hicks", "Mrs. Donald Hicks"; "Mrs. Judy Mitchellson Hicks", sometimes with a hyphen, sometimes without a hyphen. Sometimes, she spells the hyphen.

MacMillan:
You can't see this on a marketing report.

Josh:
Um, what's a marketing report?

MacMillan:
Exactly.

Motel Clerk:
Hey Angel, get out of that bathroom now.

Computer game:
You are standing in the cavern of the evil ice wizard. All around you are the carcasses of slain ice dwarves.

Mrs. Baskin:
Josh, take out the garbage!

Josh:
In a minute, Mom! [talking to himself] Melt the wizard. [typing] Melt wizard.

Computer game:
What do you want to melt him with?

Josh:
What do you think I want to use? Throw the thermal pod.

Mrs. Baskin:
JOSH!! The garbage is starting to stink up the house! Take it out, NOW!!

Mr. Baskin:
Josh, you heard your mother!

[In the computer game, the enemy attacks Josh's avatar by encasing him in a big block of ice]

Computer game:
Your hesitancy has cost you dearly. The wizard, sensing your apprehension, fires a fatal bolt from his ice scepter. With luck, you will thaw in several million years.

Josh:
Great.

Josh:
[to himself, at a carnival where he finds an antiquated fortune-telling machine] Zoltar Speaks?

[Josh inserts a quarter but the machine is off]

Josh:
[annoyed, hitting machine] Work, work, work, dammit!

[Machine activates; Zoltar's eyes glow red]

Machine:
Aim ramp at Zoltar's mouth

[As the Zoltar head opens and closes his mouth, Josh aims the coin ramp at Zoltar, who eats the quarter]

Machine:
Zoltar says make your wish.

Josh:
I wish I were big.

[Machine produces a card]

Card:
Your wish is granted.

Josh then goes to find his family. As a cold wind blows, Josh sees the Zoltar machine was unplugged all along, giving him the creeps

Josh has supposedly disappeared. The Baskin residence is covered by squad cars and neighbors have gathered to see the hoopla

Policeman:
This is one of the oddest missing child cases. His mother is all hysterical; cannot get a word out of her. No sign of forced entry, no ransom note and the only fingerprints we found all belonged to the Baskin family.

Kid #1:
Bet he got sick of his parents and ran away. Wish I could do that.

Kid #2:
I will help you pack.

Josh:
I want a listing of all amusement arcades and carnivals in the tri-state area.

Clerk:
Consumer Affairs, down the hall.

Bureaucrat:
Fill this out in triplicate, five dollar processing charge.

Billy:
See, no problem.

Bureaucrat:
Standard six-week wait with backlog.

Billy and Josh:
[in unison] Six weeks??!

Bureaucrat:
Could take longer, but hey, you could get lucky.

Outside. Josh is sitting on steps staring into space

Josh:
I am going to be 30 years old for the rest of my life.

Billy:
Come on Josh, it is only for six weeks. Besides, you may be even older that that! ha ha!

Josh is making application for a job

Josh:
Social security number?

Billy fills it out

Josh:
What was that?

Billy:
My locker combination.

Receptionist:
Mr. Baskin?

Billy:
Remember, Josh, eye contact!

Receptionist:
Your son will have to wait out here.

Josh:
Certainly. OK son, you heard the lady. Don't give anyone a hard time.

Billy:
Sure thing, "Dad".

Josh and Billy laugh at their private joke to the odd look of the receptionist

MacMillian employee is looking over Josh's job application while pen-clicking

Office worker:
It says you have four years of experience in computers, good. But you are missing a couple of numbers on the social security.

Josh:
Uh, um, twelve.

Office worker:
OK, 1-2. Office worker puts in numbers Where did you go to school?

Josh:
Hmmm, it was called George Washington.

Office worker:
Oh, G.W! My brother-in-law got his doctorate there. Did you pledge?

Josh:
Yes, every morning.

Billy:
So you got a job, where you play with all these toys.

Josh:
Yup!

Billy:
And they're gonna pay you for that?

Josh:
Yup!

Billy:
SUCKERS!

Paul:
Have you tried Mattel?

Susan:
Yes.

Paul:
Well, how about Coleco?

Susan:
Yes, as well as Fisher Price and Worlds of Wonder. None of these places reported ever having a Josh Baskin on their payroll.

Paul:
Well, he's got to come from somewhere. The guy just does not come into the executive offices out of the blue.

Susan:
Face it Paul, the man comes from data processing.

Paul:
It's a mystery.

[Susan pours milk into her coffee. She has not seen the reverse side, which has a picture of the young Josh]

Milk Carton:
MISSING: JOSHUA BASKIN

Scotty Brennen:
See that girl over there in the red? Say "hi" to her and she's yours. She'll have her legs around you so tight you'll be begging for mercy.

Josh:
Well, I'll stay away from her, then.

Susan:
I'm not so sure we should do this.

Josh:
Do what?

Susan:
Well, I like you, and I want to spend the night with you.

Josh:
Do you mean sleep over?

Susan:
Well, yeah.

Josh:
Well, okay, but I get to be on top.

Mrs. Baskin:
[on the phone] You have my son?

Josh:
Yes.

Mrs. Baskin:
Look, if you touch one hair on his head, I swear I will spend the rest of my life making sure you suffer.

Josh:
Wow, thanks.

Billy:
There. Sea Point Park!

Josh:
Thanks.

Billy:
See you around.

Later, Josh has run out of a business meeting

Josh:
Taxi! Sea Point Park, please.

Billy is on street

Billy:
Sea Point Park? Way to go, Josh!

Susan tries to follow Josh but runs into Billy

Susan:
You know Josh?

Billy:
Yes, I am his friend.

Susan:
I am...his girlfriend.

Billy looks amazed seeing a full-grown woman who has b*obs is his best friend's girl

Billy:
His girlfriend?? Whoa!