Big Train

[catering students are attending a lecture - a sign on the desk says "Cake Department"]

Cake Chef:
So, in conclusion, these cakes really are selling extremely quickly. They're selling like nobody's business. They're flying off the shelves, these cakes. Maybe it's because we warm the up first, I don't know, but they are being bought at a tremendous rate. In fact, I don't think I've seen anything sell with such speed as these warmed-through cakes. People are snapping up these cakes like, well, like they're going out of fashion.

Catering Student:
[coughs] Sorry. You could say they were selling like hot cakes.

Manager:
Well, I think that's as good a place as any to end the meeting, so thank you very much, Steve, and thank you, everybody.

[students get up and leave]

Manager:
Peter, Can I have a quick word? I'm afraid I'm going to have to let you go.

Catering Student:
You're... You're firing me? But why?

Manager:
Because you're a smart alec, Peter. You can't help making glib remarks about cakes, and I'm afraid up here what counts here is how you make cakes, and not what you say about them.

Catering Student:
Don't... Don't fire me, please. I'm committed to cakes.

Manager:
OK, look, it's clearly not working out for you in this division, so I'm prepared to give you another chance. I'm gonna move you to another section. But I want you to cut out the smart remarks. OK? It's down to you, Peter.

Catering Student:
OK.

[another room of catering students, only now the sign says "Broth Department"]

Broth Chef:
And so, to recap [points at diagram of many chefs surrounding a pot] this represents the vat of broth, and these figures represent the broth makers, or cooks, if you will. There's a lot of them, isn't there? And it's this surfeit of cooks that's having such a negative impact on the broth. There's too many cooking staff, and it's ruining to product. You'd think wouldn't you, that having so many cooks would make it better, but no, it's making it worse. So, to put it in simple terms, the ratio of chefs to the amount of food being prepared is proving detremental to the broth.

Catering Student:
[coughs] Um...

Manager:
[glares at the student]

Catering Student:
You could say... that you've bollocksed it up.

Manager:
[smiles]

['This Is Your Life' Parody]

Michael Aspel:
After that success, you went on to star in the West End in numerous plays and of course in many films and television shows. But there was a cloud on the horizon, when your husband Billy became seriously ill. Billy developed a rare disease called Berlioz syndrome. The early symptoms resembled a mild form of flu, but soon his brain shrunk to the size of an orange and pus and mucus began to ooze out of his ears. Before long, cracks appeared in his skull and blood and membrane entered his digestive system. Fluid congealed in his eye sockets, and he began to grow hair internally. His fingernails and toenails fell out and his armpits began to function at only ten per cent of their previous capacity. His nerve cells became shredded and entangled with the internal hair follicles, while any erection was accompanied by excruciating and unbearable pain. He was of course unable to satisfy you sexually. He also developed lockjaw and the bones in his arms and legs liquefied. He was unable to eat, drink, sweat or defecate, and steam pumped out of his face 24 hours a day. Every one of his features merged into the other and the skin fell off his bones and crumpled in a heap on the floor. Finally, in 1962, the doctors were forced to reconstruct his entire body from catgut. But it wasn't all bad news, was it Mildred?

Mildred:
No, that's right. That was the year I did my first sitcom with June Whitfield.

Customer:
[a customer enters a ball shop, footballs, tennis balls etc]

Customer:
Hi, I'd like a ball please.

Ball Shop Owner:
Terribly sorry, but we don't sell balls.

Customer:
Oh... ok. Bye

Customer:
[he leaves]

Ball Shop Owner:
[notices the balls on the walls] Oh wait...! We've got plenty of balls.

[repeated Line]

Various:
Fat handed twat!

Various roles:
[formally, hesitant] I... speak... a bit of German. Do you speak German?

Various Roles:
[fluent, informal German] German? No. [to Man #2] You speak German?

Various Roles:
[fluent German] German? No. I only know one or two words, but I'm not fluent.

[later]

Various Roles:
[in English] Next time you're over here, maybe we'll have learned a little English for you.

Various Roles:
[in German] Or maybe German!

Various Roles:
[in German] Yeah, that would be nice.