Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure

Bill:
It is indeed a pleasure to introduce to you a gentleman we picked up in medieval Mongolia in the year 1269.

Ted:
Please welcome, the very excellent barbarian...

Ted:

Ted:
This is a dude who, 700 years ago, totally ravaged China, and who, we were told, 2 hours ago, totally ravaged Oshman's Sporting Goods.

Ox:
Everything is different, but the same... things are more moderner than before... bigger, and yet smaller... it's computers... San Dimas High School football rules.

Bill:
OK Ted, George Washington. One: the father of our country.

Ted:
Two: born on President's Day.

Bill:
Three: the dollar bill guy.

Ted:
Bill, did you ever made a mushroom out of his head?

Bill:
Ted?

Ted:
What?

Bill:
Alaska.

Ted:
OK. Um...

Ted:
Had wooden teeth, chased Moby Dick.

Bill:
That's Captain Ahab, dude.

Bill:
I'm Bill S. Preston, Esquire.

Ted:
And I'm Ted "Theodore" Logan.

Bill:

Mr. Ryan:
It seems to me the only thing you've learned is that Caesar is a "salad dressing dude."

Bill:
Ted, you're alive.

Ted:
Yeah, I fell out of my armor when I hit the floor.

Bill:

Bill:
Be excellent to each other.

Ted:
Party on, dudes.

Ted:
Bill?

Bill:
What?

Ted:
I'm in love, dude.

Bill:
Come on, this is a history report, not a babe report.

Ted:
But, Bill, those are historical babes.

Bill:
Okay, you're the ladies' man. How we gonna meet 'em?

Bill:
You killed Ted, you medieval dickweed!

Billy the Kid:
Not bad, eh, Socrates? Where are we, dude?

Bill:
England, 15th century.

Ted:
We are in most excellent shape for our report.

Bill:
Yeah, all we need is one more speaker from medieval.

Billy the Kid:
Excellent.

Bill:
Billy, you are dealing with the oddity of time travel with the greatest of ease.

Mr. Ryan:
Who was Joan of Arc?

Ted:
Noah's wife?

Ted:
Now your dad's actually going for it in your room.

Bill:
Shut up, Ted.

Ted:
Your step-mom is cute, though.

Bill:
Shut up, Ted.

Ted:
Remember when I asked her to the prom?

Bill:
Shut up, Ted.

Bill:

Bill:
Ted, while I agree that, in time, our band will be most triumphant. The truth is, Wyld Stallyns will never be a super band until we have Eddie Van Halen on guitar.

Ted:
Yes, Bill. But, I do not believe we will get Eddie Van Halen until we have a triumphant video.

Bill:
Ted, it's pointless to have a triumphant video before we even have decent instruments.

Ted:
Well, how can we have decent instruments when we don't really even know how to play?

Bill:
That is why we NEED Eddie Van Halen!

Ted:
And THAT is why we need a triumphant video.

Bill:

Bill:
Uh oh, we're late!

Ted:
For what?

Bill:
For school, dude!

Ted:
Oh yeah.

Evil Duke:
Put them in the iron maiden.

Ted:
Iron Maiden?

Bill:

Evil Duke:
Execute them.

Bill:

Ted:
Strange things are afoot at the Circle-K.

Ted:
OK wait. If you guys are really us, what number are we thinking of?

Bill:

Bill:

Ted:
Dude, are you sure we should be doing this?

Bill:
Ted, you and I have witnessed many things, but nothing as bodacious as what just happened. Besides, we told ourselves to listen to this guy...

Ted:
What if we were lying?

Bill:
Why would we lie to ourselves?

Bill:
Socrates - "The only true wisdom consists of knowing you know nothing".

Ted:
That's us, dude.

Bill:

Bill:
That conversation made more sense this time.

Police Psychiatrist:
I don't know why you claim to be Sigmund Freud.

Sigmund Freud:
Why do you claim I'm not Sigmund Freud?

Police Psychiatrist:
Why do you keep asking me these questions?

Sigmund Freud:
Tell me about your mother.

Ted:
As you can see, Genghis greatly enjoys Twinkies because of the excellent sugar rush.

Abraham Lincoln:
Fourscore and...

Abraham Lincoln:
seven minutes ago... we, your forefathers, were brought forth upon a most excellent adventure concieved by our new friends, Bill... and Ted. These two great gentlemen are dedicated to proposition which was true in my time, just as it's true today. Be excellent to each other. And... PARTY ON, DUDES!

Rufus:
They do get better.

Capt. Logan:
All right, what's your name?

Abraham Lincoln:
Abraham Lincoln. That's L-I-N-C-O-L-N.

Capt. Logan:
I know how to spell Lincoln. What's your birthday, Mr. Lincoln?

Abraham Lincoln:
February 12... 1809.

Ted:
RUFUS.

Bill:
Listen to this dude Rufus, he knows what he's talking about.

Billy the Kid:
Here's the deal. What I win, I keep. What you win... I keep.

Bill:

Bill:
How's it going, royal ugly dudes?

Bill:
Dude, you've gotta have a poker face like me.

Bill:
Whoa. Three aces.

Bill:
You ditched Napoleon.

Ted:
Deacon, do you realize you have just stranded one of Europe's greatest leaders in San Dimas.

Deacon:
He was a dick.

Bill:
Who are you guys?

Future Ted:
We're you, dude.

Ted:
No way. No... way.

Future Ted:
Yes way.

Bill:
Do you know where there are any personages of historical significance around here?

Bill:
Socrates. Hey, we know that name!

Ted:
Hey,

Ted:
look him up. Oh, it's under So-crates.

Rufus:
Hi, and welcome to the future. San Dimas, California, 2688. And I'm telling you, everything is great. The air is clean. The water is clean. Even the dirt... is clean. Bowling averages are way up. Mini-golf scores are way down. And we have more waterslides than any other planet we communicate with. I'm telling you, it's great. But it almost wasn't. You see, 700 years ago the Two Great Ones ran into a few problems. So now I must travel back in time to help them out. If I should fail to keep these two on the correct path, the basis of our society will be in danger. Don't worry. It'll make sense. I'm a professional.

Bill:
I am the Earl of Preston.

Ted:
And I am the Duke of Ted.

Ted:
Your stepmom's cute.

Bill:
Shut up, Ted.

Ted:
Remember when she was a senior and we were freshmen?

Bill:
Shut UP, Ted!

Captain Logan:
I spoke to your principal today, Ted. He said you're failing history.

Ted:
Me and Bill-

Captain Logan:
He also said that if you fail history, you flunk out of school. You know what that would mean, don't you, Ted?

Ted:
That I would have to go to Oates Military Academy. Sir.

Captain Logan:
I spoke to Colonel Oates this morning. He's anxious to meet you, Ted...

[back outside]

Ted:
Dude, we gotta pass; otherwise, there's no more band.

Bill:
Why?

Ted:
My dad's sending me to military school.

Bill:
Where?

Ted:
Alaska....

Bill:
OK, Ted: George Washington. One: The father of our country.

Ted:
Two: Born on Presidents' Day!

Bill:
Three: The dollar bill guy.

Ted:
You ever made a mushroom out of his head?

Bill:
Ted... Alaska.

Ted:
Okay... Um.... Had wooden teeth, chased Moby Dick.

Bill:
That's Captain Ahab, dude!

Ted:
...Oh, wait! Remember Disney World? Hall of Presidents?

Bill:
Yeah, good, what did he say?

Ted:
...Welcome to the Hall of Presidents!

Outside the Circle K

Ted:
OK, the lady in that car over there said that Marco Polo was in the year 1275.

Bill:
It's not just a water sport, I knew it.

A woman enters convenience store

Ted:
Excuse me? When did the Mongols rule China?

Woman:
I don't know, I just work here.

Rufus:
Greetings, my excellent friends.

Ted:
...Do you know when the Mongols ruled China?

Rufus:
Well.... Perhaps we can ask them.

Bill:
[reading from their history textbook] "The only true wisdom consists in knowing that you know nothing."

Ted:
[after a pause] That's us, dude!

Bill:
Oh, yeah!

Bill:
How's it going, royal ugly dudes? I am the Earl of Preston!

Ted:
And I am the Duke of Ted!

Henry VII:
Put them in the iron maiden.

Ted:
Iron Maiden?

Bill and Ted:
Excellent! [air guitar]

Henry VII:
Execute them!

Bill and Ted:
Bogus!

Ted:
Okay, if you guys are really us, what number are we thinking of?

Future Bill and Future Ted:
SIXTY-NINE, DUDE!!!

Ted:
Miss Preston, we'd like you to meet some of our...friends.

Bill:
This is.. Dave Beeth-Oven... Maxine of Arc... Herman the Kid...

Ted:
Bob Genghis Khan... So-crates Johnson... Dennis Freud. And uh... Abraham Lincoln...

Billy the Kid:
Way to go, egghead.

Socrates:
Geek!

Sigmund Freud:
What is a geek?

Ted:
Our first guest speaker comes from the year 400 BC, a time when most of the world looked like the cover of the Led Zeppelin album, Houses of the Holy.

Bill:
We were there. There were many steps and columns. It was most tranquil.

Ted:
He is sometimes known as the father of modern thought. He was the teacher of Plato, who was in turn the teacher of Aristotle, and like Ozzy Osbourne, was repeatedly accused of corruption of the young.

Freud:
And so, Ted's father's own fear of failure has caused him to make his son the embodiment of all his deepest anxieties about himself. And hence, his aggression transference onto Ted.

Ted:
[sits up] Whoa....

Freud:
Okay, Ted?

Ted:
Yes... Thank you very much, Sigmund Freud...

Freud:
Bill? [motions toward the couch]

Bill:
Nah. Just got a minor oedipal complex.

Bill:
You know how to play, Rufus?

Rufus:
I play a little.

Rufus does a solo of complex guitar riffs

Bill:
Most outstanding, Rufus! Let's jam!

[the boys and princesses prepare to jam]

Ted:
Bill, my friend?

Bill:
Yes Ted, my friend?

Ted:
This has been a most excellent adventure.

Both:
1! 2! 1-2-3-4!

[The band start playing, very badly]

Rufus(to the camera):
They do get better.

Bill:
Shut up Ted.

Ted:
Party on dudes!