Bill Engvall: Aged & Confused

[having been recognized by a woman in a diner]

Bill Engvall:
She sits down across the table from me, and didn't say "Hi, hello, my name is..." She just said "this is what I'm going to tell my husband when he gets home from work today. I'm going to tell him that I had lunch with Jeff Foxworthy."

[laughter]

[preparing to undergo his colonoscopy]

Bill Engvall:
I keep hearing this noise and I don't know what it is. It's driving me crazy. And finally, it hits me: the noise is guys on either side of the curtains from me farting.

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
And I don't mean cute little "Jimmy squeezed out a toot" farts. I'm talking about bullfrogs getting run over by a Mack Truck.

[stumbling around the hospital room after his colonoscopy]

Bill Engvall:
As we're staggering out of the hospital, I don't remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed "hey! I'd better not see this on YouTube!"

Bill Engvall:
We could walk into a Chinese restaurant right here in Chicago. And the waiter could have been born here, raised here, went to college here, he has never left the city limits. I'm the idiot that walks into that restaurant and goes

[in exaggerated Chinese]

Bill Engvall:
"Uh, yes... I'll have fried rice... uh, egg roll..."

[back to normal]

Bill Engvall:
And you can see him go "I am so going to spit in your food, I swear to God."

Bill Engvall:
I remember when I was fourteen years old, I saw my very first Playboy magazine. A friend of mine brought some over, which was kind of stupid, because all we needed was *a* Playboy magazine.

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
Actually, all we needed was a page out of a Playboy magazine. But I digress. And I remember I opened up that magazine, I opened up that big page and I looked at that girl and I remember thinking "Wow! I am not in your ballpark." Because her turn-ons didn't say "fourteen year old acne faced boys." Well, this last year, I caught my son with a Penthouse magazine. And I took it away from him... opened up the big page.

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
And said "I am *still* not in her ballpark!" I missed that whole ballgame. In fact, I'm the guy that left that game early to beat traffic!

[laughter]

[playing Pictionary with his wife and their friends]

Bill Engvall:
My word is bicycle. So I go "Okay, bicycle, bicycle..." So I draw two circles, and my wife's like "It's eyeballs! Eyeballs! Those are eyeballs! Those are eyeballs!" And I'm like, "No, shut up, it's not eyeballs!" So I'm like "Okay, okay..." So I start drawing the spokes, and she goes "They're bloodshot eyeballs! They're bloodshot eyeballs! That's what it is! It's bloodshot eyeballs!" So, I go "Shut up!"

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
So I draw the frame, and she goes "It's a monkey wearing glasses! It's a monkey wearing glasses!" And I go ding! No! And she goes "What was that?" And I go "It's a bicycle." And she goes "That's not a bicycle, Rembrandt!" And I go "Well, it ain't a monkey wearing glasses, Helen Keller!"

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
[about his wife wanting to do "couples activities" together] Oh, and the other night, this one's my favorite: "Let's go on a date. Let's just me and you, we'll go on a date." I go "We can't. We're married."

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
"Unless you're talking about other people, and I don't think you are." She goes "No, we can go on a date." And I go "No, we cannot go on a date." She goes "Why not?", and I go "'Because A, I'm not gonna get to pick the restaurant." Because I'm gonna go "Where do you want eat?", and she's gonna go "I don't care." And I'll go "Okay, how about Italian?" "'Hmm... '" I'm not gonna get to pick the movie, and there's a real good chance I'm not gonna get lucky! That's not a date!