Biloxi Blues

Toomey:
Epstein, Arnold B.

Arnold Epstein:
Ho, ho!

Toomey:
Are there two Arnold Epsteins in this company?

Arnold Epstein:
No, sergeant.

Toomey:
But I heard more than one Ho.

Arnold Epstein:
Yes, sergeant.

Toomey:
Epstein, Arnold B.

Arnold Epstein:
Ho!

Toomey:
One more time.

Arnold Epstein:
Ho!

Toomey:
Do I make myself clear, Epstein?

Arnold Epstein:
Ho!

Toomey:
Do I make myself clear, Jerome?

Jerome:
Ho, yes!

Toomey:
Ho what?

Jerome:
Ho nothing!

Toomey:
Are you having trouble understanding me, Jerome?

Jerome:
Ho no. I mean, no ho, sergent. Just plain ho.

Sergeant Toomey:
Hey, Fred Astaire, you tryin' to tell me something?

Arnold Epstein:
I have to go to the bathroom, sergeant.

Sergeant Toomey:
You can't do that. We don't have "bathrooms" in the Army.

Arnold Epstein:
They had them at Fort Dix.

Sergeant Toomey:
Not bathrooms, they didn't

Arnold Epstein:
Yes, they did. I went in them a lot.

Sergeant Toomey:
I'm tellin' you, we don't have any "bathrooms" on this base. Do you doubt my veracity?

Arnold Epstein:
No, sergeant.

Sergeant Toomey:
Then you've got a problem, don't you Epstein?

Arnold Epstein:
Ho ho.

Sergeant Toomey:
You bet your ass ho ho. You know why you've got a problem?

Arnold Epstein:
Because I've got to go real bad.

Sergeant Toomey:
No, son. You've got a problem because you don't know Army terminology. The place where a U.S. soldier goes to defecate, relieve himself, open his bowel, sh*t, fart, dump, crap, and unload, is called the latrine. The la-trine, from the French.

Eugene Morris Jerome:
Man it's hot. It's like Africa hot. Tarzan couldn't take this kind of hot.

Arnold Epstein:
Why do you think I'm a homosexual?

Eugene Morris Jerome:
I guess it's because you never talk about girls.

Arnold Epstein:
I never talk about dogs either. Does that make me a cocker spaniel?

Sergeant Toomey:
You would need three promotions to be an a**hole.

Sergeant Toomey:
I never had men do push ups in bed before but I could start tonight.

Sergeant Toomey:
Tell me, Jerome, if a piss drunk sergeant has a loaded .45 pointed at the head of a piece of dung that the piss drunk sergeant hates and despises, how would you describe the situation?

Eugene Morris Jerome:
Delicate. Extremely delicate.

Sergeant Toomey:
Right. I'll be honest with you, Jerome. It was my intention of getting Epstein in here, and putting this pistol to his ear, and blowing a tunnel through his head. But you'll do just as well.

Eugene Morris Jerome:
I'm sorry to hear that.

Sergeant Toomey:
There's something about you New York boys that riles my ass. You don't appreciate the Army, do you?

Eugene Morris Jerome:
There are some things I like.

Sergeant Toomey:
Such as?

Eugene Morris Jerome:
Mail. I like getting my mail.

Sergeant Toomey:
You shittin' me, Jerome?

Eugene Morris Jerome:
A piece of dung would never sh*t a piss drunk sergeant with a loaded .45.

Sergeant Toomey:
What would you do if the entire Japanese Army were behind you?

Eugene Morris Jerome:
Surrender and get some sleep.

Sergeant Toomey:
Epstein, Arnold B.

Arnold Epstein:
Ho, ho!

Sergeant Toomey:
Are there two Arnold Epsteins in this company?

Arnold Epstein:
No, Sergeant.

Sergeant Toomey:
Then just give me one Goddamn ho!

Arnold Epstein:
Yes, Sergeant.

Sergeant Toomey:
Epstein, Arnold B.

Arnold Epstein:
Ho!

Sergeant Toomey:
You would need three promotions to get to be an a**hole.

Eugene Morris Jerome:
Hey, what if she's ugly. I mean, really ugly.

Selridge:
Then you close your eyes and you think of some cheerleader.

Eugene Morris Jerome:
I don't want to close my eyes, that's the same as doing it to yourself.

Selridge:
Not if you're feeling someone underneath you, or on top of you.

Eugene Morris Jerome:
On top of me? Who would be on top of me?

Selridge:
She would. She could be anywhere. Under a table, on a chair, or an ironing board.

Eugene Morris Jerome:
On an ironing board? What kind of girl is this? I thought we were going to a regular place.

Selridge:
Don't you know anything?

Eugene Morris Jerome:
Maybe not in actual experience, but I have all the information I need.

Selridge:
You don't know sh*t, Jerome. Do you know how many positions there are?

Eugene Morris Jerome:
American or worldwide?

Carney:
(laughs) This guy is a riot.

Selridge:
For five bucks, how many positions are there?

Eugene Morris Jerome:
Let me think.

Selridge:
Do you want me to tell you?

Eugene Morris Jerome:
No.

Selridge:
I'm gonna tell you. There are seventeen acceptable positions.

Eugene Morris Jerome:
Acceptable? What is there, an Olympic committee that votes on positions.

Carney:
I can't believe this guy is from New York.

Eugene Morris Jerome:
Besides, you're wrong. There's fifty-two positions.

Selridge:
Fifty-two? You're crazy. Where did you ever get that from?

Eugene Morris Jerome:
I saw a dirty deck of cards once.

Selridge:
This jerk is worse than Epstein.

Eugene Morris Jerome:
You owe me five bucks.

Selridge:
Hey, listen, twerp. You're lucky if you do one position.

Eugene Morris Jerome:
I'm not doing anything if it's on an ironing board.

Carney:
Why not? You'll get your shirt pressed for free.

Arnold Epstein:
You're a witness. You're always standing around watching what's happening, scribbling in your book what other people do. You have to get in the middle of it. You have to take sides. Make a contribution to the fight. Any fight. The one you believe in.

Joseph Wykowski:
I've got three enemies now, Jerome. The Japs, the Germans, and you!

Eugene Morris Jerome:
I wasn't in on that Pearl Harbor thing.

Arnold Epstein:
Is this bunk taken?

Selridge:
Oh, no! I don't mind dyin', but I don't wanna get my nose blown off...

Eugene Morris Jerome:
Are you from Biloxi?

Rowena:
No, Gulfport. My husband, too.

Eugene Morris Jerome:
Your husband? You're married? My God, he'll KILL me if he finds me here!

Rowena:
No he won't.

Eugene Morris Jerome:
Yes he will!

Rowena:
He won't. He's in the service. He knew about me before we were married. He's my best customer...

Eugene Morris Jerome:
Customer? You charge your own husband?

Rowena:
I mean he's my best lover.

Sergeant Toomey:
In the past twenty-one days, you boys have made some fine progress. You're not fighting soldiers yet, but I'd match you up against some Nazi cocktail waitress anytime.

Arnold Epstein:
Once you start compromising your thoughts, you're a candidate for mediocrity.