Bloodbath at the House of Death

Dr. Lukas Mandeville:
I find this case enthralling. Have you read all the reports?

Dr. Barbara Coyle:
No.

Dr. Lukas Mandeville:
Well if you had, you'd know about the strange things that have taken place in that house years ago. Do you realize that eighteen people were murdered there one night?

Dr. Barbara Coyle:
Coincidence. Anyway, Lightning never strikes twice.

Dr. Lukas Mandeville:
Well it did then. Two people were struck by lightning. Two who's throats were slit. One was hung. Two were axed, four people were skewered in the same bed. And a man watching, simply blew up!

Dr. Barbara Coyle:
What happened to the other six?

Dr. Lukas Mandeville:
What?

Dr. Barbara Coyle:
You said there were eighteen.

Dr. Lukas Mandeville:
Oh, yes, yes, the other six. They were found frozen to death in the deep freeze. All wrapped in cling film. They'd been shot.

Elliot Broome:
That's the trouble with life today. Too many people assume things and then form opinions, wrongly based on false assumptions.

Stephen Wilson:
You mean?

Elliot Broome:
Precisely. People always assume that because I'm not interested in football or swilling beer in the local pub every night, and would rather stay at home and lull up a pair of curtains, I must therefore in some way be... less than a man.

Stephen Wilson:
My experience... exactly.

Henry Noland:
Eighteen in one night? God, that must have put you off sex for life.

Deborah Kedding:
Not really, life goes on.

Henry Noland:
You're one brave lady. I suppose you had a psychiatrist?

Deborah Kedding:
Yes, one of them was a psychiatrist.

Henry Noland:
You're kidding me?

Deborah Kedding:
No, he was the last one and he made me tell about the other seventeen.

Henry Noland:
Oh God, some people are disgusting.

Policewoman:
Hello, police, can I help you?

Dr. Lukas Mandeville:
Yes, I'd like to report a dead body.

Policewoman:
Yes sir, what type of a dead body?

Dr. Lukas Mandeville:
Type? Ehm... Upside down with big chests, what's that got to do with it?

Sinister Man:
Bow thy knees if you wish to even speak in my presence.

Barmaid:
Oh, piss off!

Deborah Kedding:
Pass me a knife, would you?

Henry Noland:
I suppose a fork is out of the question?

Deborah Kedding:
Not necessarily. But let's have dinner first.

Sinister Man:
He says we must gather up all the faggots and burn them.

Brother Theresa:
I'm not sure I like the sound of this!

Cult member:
Don't worry, Brother Theresa, he means wood.

Sinister Man:
I don't believe it! Seven hundred years undead, and now this!

Dr. Lukas Mandeville:
What the devil is that?

Dr. Barbara Coyle:
Sounds like a lot of monks exploding.

Dr. Lukas Mandeville:
Now look here. I think we ought to search the house immediately. We'll divide up into pairs. Stephen, Elliot, you stay here and watch the machinery. Okay, the rest of you, follow me.

Elliot Broome:
That's strange, I thought the phones where dead.

Stephen Wilson:
Why do you think that?

Elliot Broome:
They usually are in situations like this.

Elliot Broome:
[Elliot is being strangled by his doppelganger] It's me!... does this count as suicide?

Dr. Barbara Coyle:
Look out, a bat!

Dr. Lukas Mandeville:
[a bat falls on Mandeville's hat] A cricket bat?