Bohemian Rhapsody

Freddie Mercury:
I enjoyed the show. I also, I write songs.

Brian May:
Our lead singer just quit.

Freddie Mercury:
Well then, you're going to need someone new.

Ray Foster:
Bohemian...

Brian May:
Rhapsody.

Ray Foster:
Rhapsody. What is that?

Freddie Mercury:
An epic poem.

Ray Foster:
It goes on forever, six bloody minutes!

Freddie Mercury:
I pity your wife if you think six minutes is forever. [pause] And you know what? We're going to release it as our single.

Ray Foster:
[laughs] Not possible. Anything over three minutes, and the radio stations won't program it. John?

John Reid:
Yeah, we need radio. Format is three minutes.

Ray Foster:
What about 'I'm in Love with My Car'?

[disappointed look on Queen's faces before Freddie kicks Ray's desk]

Ray Foster:
Well, that's the kind of songs teenagers can crank up the volume in their car and bang their heads to. Bohemian Rhapsody will never be that song.

Mary Austin:
What do you want from me, Freddie?

Freddie Mercury:
Almost everything.

[Freddie enters wearing an extravagant outfit]

Brian May:
That's a nice fancy dress, Fred.

Freddie Mercury:
I've got to make an impression, darling!

Brian May:
You look like an angry lizard!

John Reid:
So, tell me. What makes Queen any different from all of the other wannabe rockstars I meet?

Freddie Mercury:
Tell you what it is, Mr. Reid. Now we're four misfits who don't belong together, we're playing for the other misfits. They're the outcasts, right at the back of the room. We're pretty sure they don't belong either. We belong to them.

Brian May:
I want to give the audience a song they can perform. [Starts to do two stomps, then a clap. Roger and John join in, followed by their wives, continuing the 'stomp-stomp-clap' that's the beat for "We Will Rock You."]

Freddie Mercury:
What is the lyric?

Roger Taylor:
You're a legend, Fred.

Freddie Mercury:
We're all legends. [pause] But you're right, I am a legend.

Jim Beach:
They just need a bit of time.

Freddie Mercury:
What if I don't have time?

Freddie Mercury:
Let's go and punch a hole in the roof of Wembley Stadium.

Brian May:
Actually, Wembley Stadium doesn't have a roof.

Freddie Mercury:
Then we'll punch a hole in the sky.

Freddie Mercury~ I'm just a musical prostitute

[first lines; said again after Freddy Mercury says "Everyone's a critic."]

Live Aid Announcer:
It's 12:00 noon in London, 7:00 A.M. in Philadelphia. And around the world, it's time for Live Aid! Wembley welcomes Their Royal Highnesses, the Prince and Princess of Wales!

Ray Foster:
[after listening to Bohemian Rhapsody; groans] Christ. [Freddie stops music reel] Well, I'm not entirely sure that's the album you promised us.

Freddie Mercury:
No, it's better than the album we promised you. It's better than any album anyone's ever promised you, darling. It is a bloody masterpiece.

Ray Foster:
[under his breath] Christ.

John Reid:
It is a good album, Ray.

Roger Taylor:
We prefer "masterpiece."

Ray Foster:
It's expensive, and as for... Bohemian...

Brian May:
[clears throat] Rhapsody.

Ray Foster:
...Rhapsody. What is that?

Freddie Mercury:
An epic poem.

Ray Foster:
It goes on forever; 6 bloody minutes.

Freddie Mercury:
I pity your wife if you think 6 minutes is forever. [Paul snickers] And you know what? We're going to release it as our single.

Ray Foster:
[chortles] Not possible. Anything over three minutes, and the radio stations won't program it, period. And what on Earth is it about, anyway? "Scaramouche"? "Galileo"? And all that "Ismillah" business? "Ishmillah"?

Freddie Mercury:
[pause] Bismillah.

Ray Foster:
Oh, aye. Bismillah. What's it about anyway? Bloody Bismillah?

Freddie Mercury:
True poetry is for the listener.

Brian May:
It ruins the mystery if everything's explained.

Ray Foster:
Seldom ruins sales. 3 minutes is the standard. John.

John Reid:
Yeah, we need radio. Format is three minutes. I have to agree with Ray. I actually think the single's Love of my Life.

Brian May:
No.

John Reid:
Okay, how about John's song, You're My Best Friend? You know, "Ooh, you make me live." Catchy, stronger.

Ray Foster:
What about I'm in Love with My Car?

Brian May:
You're joking!

Roger Taylor:
Huh.

Brian May:
Oh, Jesus.

Ray Foster:
I love it. [Freddie kicks Ray's desk] Well, that's the kind of songs teenagers can crank up the volume in their car and bang their heads to. Bohemian Rhapsody will never be that song.

Brian May:
It's the band decision. Bohemian Rhapsody. That's it.

Ray Foster:
You're My Best Friend. And it's my money.

Roger Taylor:
Bo-Rhap. Period.

Freddie Mercury:
[removes music reel] Or we walk.

Paul Prenter:
[pauses] MacArthur Park was 7 minutes long. It was a hit.

Ray Foster:
Look, I'm not arguing with Bohemian whatever's...

Freddie Mercury:
Rhapsody.

Ray Foster:
...musicianship, but there's no way in Hell, the station will play a six minute quasi-operatic dirge, comprised of nonsense words! "Bismillah"?! Bullshit! I paid for this record, so I say what goes!

Roger Taylor:
Have we no legal recourse on this?

Jim "Miami" Beach:
Ray, you did Dark Side of the Moon, haven't you?

Ray Foster:
[nods] I did.

Jim "Miami" Beach:
Yeah, I absolutely love that record. [to Roger Taylor; answering his question] Uh, legally, no. No, it's got your balls in a vice. It's a different matter in a court of public opinion, of course. Ray Foster's a giant name in the music industry, but... to the average person. Say the name "Queen", on the other hand...ears prick up.

[long moment of silence]

Ray Foster:
[refusing to back down] We're going with You're My Best Friend. Done.

Freddie Mercury:
No, we know what we have, even if you don't. It's called Bohemian... [he puts his cigarette out on Ray's papers] ...Rhapsody. [leaves with the band] You will forever be known as the man who lost Queen.

[after they leave, Jim takes one final glance at Ray while waving goodbye, before joining the others. The door closes, leaving Ray, John, and Paul]

John Reid:
Temperamental artists, eh? They're well aware they're tied to a contract, but who knows what goes on inside the inscrutable mind of the recording artist?

Ray Foster:
Mark these words. If they're not careful, by the end of the year, no one will know the name "Queen". [brick is thrown through window] Christ!

[Paul opens window, and, along with Ray Foster, sees Queen outside.]

Freddie Mercury:
[shouting] You can take that out of our royalties, twat!

Ray Foster:
Wanker!

Brian May:
You can shove your gold discs! You made a mistake, Foster!

Freddie Mercury:
Arsehole!

Ray Foster:
[shouting] You'll never have a gold disc, you medium talent! [to Paul] And to think, I work with Hendrix.

Freddie Mercury:
[coming out to Mary] I think I'm bisexual.

Mary Austin:
Freddie, you're gay.

Freddie Mercury:
[calling Paul on the telephone] Paul.

Paul Prenter:
Freddie?

Freddie Mercury:
Sweetheart, I want to throw a party.

Paul Prenter:
Okay, who do you want to invite?

Freddie Mercury:
People! I want you to shake the freak tree and invite anyone who plops to the ground! Dwarfs and giants, magicians, Zulu tribesmen. contortionists, fire eaters, and priests. We're going to need to confess.

[Brian May, Roger Taylor, John Deacon and their wives do the 'stomp-stomp-clap' beat for "We Will Rock You."]

Freddie Mercury:
What's going on?

Roger Taylor:
[he and the rest of Queen stop] You'd know if you were on time.

Freddie Mercury:
[to Roger] I'm a performer, darling. Not a Swiss chain conductor. [pause; to Brian May] Sorry I'm late.

John Deacon:
Again.

Freddie Mercury:
Alright. Now, will you please tell me why you're not playing any instruments?

Brian May:
I want to give the audience a song that they can perform. Right? Let them be part of the band. So, what can they do? [resumes the 'stomp-stomp-clap' beat for "We Will Rock You." Roger and John join in, followed their wives, and Freddie Mercury.] Imagine...thousands of people...doing this in unison. Huh?

Freddie Mercury:
Well? What is the lyric?

Jim Hutton:
So, all your friends have left you alone.

Freddie Mercury:
They're not my friends. Not really. Just distraction.

Jim Hutton:
From what?

Freddie Mercury:
The in-between moments, I suppose. I find them intolerable. All of the darkness you thought you left behind comes creeping back in.

Jim Hutton:
I know what you mean.

Freddie Mercury:
Really? [leans closer towards Jim] What is it that you do with them?

Jim Hutton:
Spend them with real friends. You look like you could use a friend. [they briefly gaze at each other, before Jim leans in and kisses Freddie passionately]

Freddie Mercury:
I like you.

Jim Hutton:
I like you too, Freddie. Come find me when you decide to like yourself. [gets up from couch, picks up blanket off the floor and walks towards the door]

Freddie Mercury:
Can I have your name, at least?

Jim Hutton:
It's Jim Hutton.

Freddie Mercury:
Good night, Jim.

Jim Hutton:
Good night, Freddie. Or should I say good morning. [leaves]

Freddie Mercury:
[Finds Jim again] Do you have any idea how many Jim Huttons there are in London?

Jim Hutton:
I didn't want to make it too easy for you.

Freddie Mercury:
[after he and the crowd perform "Ay-Oh" back and forth] ALL RIGHT!

Crowd:
ALL RIGHT! [crowd cheers wildly]

Freddie Mercury:
Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey! Hammer to Fall!

[last line; after Queen performs "We Are the Champions" at Live Aid]

Freddie Mercury:
SO LONG, AND GOOD-BYE! [crowd cheers wildly] WE LOVE YOU!

Freddie Mercury:
I enjoyed the show. I also, I write songs.

Roger Taylor:
Well, you're five minutes too late.

Brian May:
Our lead singer just quit.

Freddie Mercury:
Well, then, you'll need someone new.

Brian May:
Any ideas?

Freddie Mercury:
What about me?

Roger Taylor:
Errr...not with those teeth, mate.

John Reid:
This is the band's lawyer Jim Beach.

Freddie Mercury:
We MUST stop calling him that.

John Reid:
That's his name.

Freddie Mercury:
We cannot keep calling him Jim Beach. No, that's absurd. Not to mention unspeakably boring. Miami. From now on I dub thee Miami Beach.

Jim "Miami" Beach:
The sun always sets behind you, doesn't it? On Miami Beach?

Ray Foster:
Right, now that everybody's got an acceptable name let's get to it.

Freddie Mercury:
[re: Freddie’s new house] What do you think?

Roger Taylor:
[re: Freddie’s new moustache] Gayer.

Freddie Mercury:
My darlings, the time has finally come to get absolutely SH*T FACED!!!!

Freddie Mercury:
Get out, you treacherous piss flap!

[after finding out Mary is pregnant]

Freddie Mercury:
I'm happy for you Mary. Truly, I am. It's just...I'm frightened.

Mary Austin:
Freddie, you don't need to be. Because no matter what, you are loved. By me, Brian, Roger, your family. It's enough. And these people...they don't care about you. Paul doesn't care about you. You don't belong here, Freddie. Come home.

Freddie Mercury:
[Finds Jim again] Do you have any idea how many Jim Huttons there are in London?

Jim Hutton:
I didn't want to make it too easy for you. How've you been, Fred?

Freddie Mercury:
I've been a bit lost, to be honest. And you were right. I could do with a friend. Would you like to have tea with me?

Jim Hutton:
Tea?

Freddie Mercury:
[Quoting Zoroaster] "Good thoughts, good words, good deeds." Just like you taught me, papa.

Freddie Mercury:
Being human is a condition that requires a little anesthesia.

Freddie Mercury:
Roger, there's only room in this band for one hysterical queen.

Freddie Mercury:
I'm not the leader of the band, I'm only the lead singer.

Freddie Mercury:
We're family. We believe in each other. That's everything.

Freddie Mercury:
I'm not going to be their victim. Their AIDS poster boy, their cautionary tale.

Freddie Mercury:
What's it gonna take for you all to forgive me?

Freddie Mercury:
It's a rock and roll record...with the scale of opera...the pathos of Greek tragedy...the wit of Shakespeare...the unbridled joy of musical theater.

Freddie Mercury:
We'll mix genres, we'll cross boundaries...we'll speak in bloody tongues if we want to. There's no musical ghetto that can contain us. Nobody knows what Queen means because it doesn't mean one thing.

Brian May:
It's America. They're Puritans in public, perverts in private.

Ray Foster:
Mark these words. If they're not careful, by the end of the year, no one will know the name "Queen".

Roger Taylor:
How many more "Galileo"'s do you want?

Mary Austin:
[to Freddie] I love the way you move on stage. The whole room belongs to you. Don't you see what you can be?

Brian May & John Deacon:
[Roger picks up the coffee machine and almost throws it; in unison] Not the coffee machine!