Bottom 2001: An Arse Oddity

Richie:
What the f*** happened there?

Eddie:
Well you keep running around shouting "What the f*** happened there?" whilst wobbling your tits about like some epileptic page 3 model.

Eddie:
Have you noticed something really odd about the pig? In all the times you have milked it have you noticed it only has one nipple?

Richie:
Yeah I had noticed that weird isn't it?

Eddie:
Plus it never seems to produce a lot of milk, also have you spotted those two great bollocks it has?"

Richie:
Hello?

Eddie:
Hello!

Richie:
No not you!

Eddie:
Maybe I wasn't replying to you.

Richie:
So then, there really is someone else here?

Eddie:
Yeah I'm afraid so.

Richie:
Who is it?

Eddie:
Its me! Hello!

Richie:
Look out Eddie, Ainsley Harriot is coming down here and he's strapping on a condom!

Eddie:
Quick, Get out of my way! I don't want to be in Ready Steady F***!

Eddie:
Where did you get those?

Richie:
I made them from a pair of washing up gloves. They are marigolds, and they were a little snug to get into. I also haven't been able to get the bastards off for three days. Also the thumb is stuck up my arse!

Richie:
What was that thing he used to say?

Eddie:
Get off, Get off I'm not a sexual animal?

Richie:
No not that one the other thing?

Eddie:
Oi Richie get me another drink you overweight twat!

Richie:
That's the one.

Richie:
Is Dave attacking that Seagull?

Eddie:
Either that or he's shagging it.

Richie:
No the seagulls attacking him! Now with the left, now the right, that's it Dave that's how you fly away.

Eddie:
Come on Dave, take your coat off! Kick him where it hurts!

Richie:
Ouch! He's kicked himself in the bollocks hasn't he?

Eddie:
Look there go all the seagull's mates, flying off, laughing and with Dave's wallet.

Richie:
Eddie, think back what's the last thing you remember?

Eddie:
Oh I know this, it was you, it was you telling me to "Think back what's the last thing you remember?", it's all coming back to me.

Eddie:
Where's the bar?

Richie:
Eddie there's no bar!

Eddie:
What the f*** happened there? What the f*** happened there? What the f*** f*** f*** happened there? What the f*** f***ing f*** f***ity f*** happened there?

Richie:
Language!

Eddie:
English! This is a very serious No Bar, situation. Mary Mother of Jesus Help! Help! Help!

Richie:
What other options do we have? Let's explore our parameters?

Eddie:
You leave my trousers out of this, I don't want any funny business. Sh*t there's no corners to hide in!

Richie:
Just a little bit Eddie. Just a little touchy touchy it doesn't matter. Just a little wibbly wobbly touchy touch...Oh F***ing Homo!

Richie:
Do you know I went to Yoga? I did! If I'd got up to level twenty I might have been able to f*** myself. As look would have it, I got to level thirteen, accidently sneezed and blew myself inside out. What I thought was a rather funky goatee beard turned out to be my pubic hair. I couldn't see it anyway though because I had two bollocks hanging in front of my eyes. I was in surgery three days, three whole days before the surgeons stopped giggling.

Richie:
Before you go say something nice.

Eddie:
Breasts!

Richie:
No.

Eddie:
Larger!

Richie:
No, something else.

Eddie:
I'm sorry Rich, but breasts and larger are the only nice things I know.

Richie:
Come on Eddie think of the money!

Eddie:
What? Are you getting paid?

Richie:
No, I don't get paid, it's not me it's that wretch of an actor who plays me. What's his name? You know that tosser who fell off the quad bike?

Eddie:
I knew I should have fixed those brakes.

Richie:
What did you say?

Eddie:
I know the one, he's sort of balding and getting a tummy.

Richie:
Yeah, he's getting far too old to play me.

Richie:
Who is that awful actor who plays you?

Eddie:
Oh I know he's got a girl's name, is it Julie Goodyear? It's not that Ginger Hair'd c*nt is it?

Richie:
Who? Chris Evans?

Eddie:
Yeah.

Richie:
No, it can't be. Anyway it's not you, it's him! You are a very good little character.

Richie:
So let me get this straight, we aren't in some dark, godless void on the edge of human misery?

Eddie:
No we're in Nottingham.

Richie:
Same thing isn't it?

Richie:
It's not our fault we have sh*t actors playing us, however it could be worse we could be in Vecks in Practice! I know I said "Vecks" I meant to say Vets.

Eddie:
I thought you did.

Richie:
It was one of my great improvisations.

Eddie:
I never watched Vecks in Practice much, but I believe it's sh*t anyway.

Richie:
It must be the Pig's Spunk, tacky teeth, now where were we?

Eddie:
What were you doing during the interval?