Breakfast on Pluto

Bertie:
Fantastic!

Patrick "Kitten" Braden:
Not many people can take the tale of Patrick Braden, aka St. Kitten, who strutted the catwalks, face lit by a halo of flashbulbs as "oh!" she shrieks, "I told you, from my best side darlings."

Patrick "Kitten" Braden:
The fantastic tale of Eily Bergen.

Bertie:
I can't wait to hear the ending.

Patrick "Kitten" Braden:
But you haven't even heard the start.

Bertie:
I can't wait to hear that either.

Patrick "Kitten" Braden:
If I wasn't a transvestite terrorist, would you marry me?

Patrick "Kitten" Braden:
Oh serious, serious, serious!

Billy Hatchett:
[finding that Patrick has taken all of the guns] F***. Don't you know what this means? Do-do you know what these guys are like, Paddy?

Patrick "Kitten" Braden:
Don't let this come between us, Billy.

Billy Hatchett:
Shut up! Jesus, what the f*** am I gonna do? F***ing Jesus!

Patrick "Kitten" Braden:
Tell them I was spring cleaning, darling.

Billy Hatchett:
Where are they, Paddy? Tell me, where are they?

Patrick "Kitten" Braden:
Now, what is this you mean, my darling?

Billy Hatchett:
The guns, you little f***ing whore! Where are they? The guns! It's all too f***ing serious! Don't go f***ing me around.

Patrick "Kitten" Braden:
Oh, all of a sudden, everybody's getting serious! Serious, serious, serious.

Billy Hatchett:
I'm not f***ing joking, Patrick! Where are they?

Patrick "Kitten" Braden:
I told you to call me Kitten.

Billy Hatchett:
Don't f***ing know me. You don't know where I've gone. And if they come, if they f***ing come, you tell them nothing. I mean nothing.

Patrick "Kitten" Braden:
Whatever you say, darling.

Billy Hatchett:
You're way out of your league, Patrick. You don't know what you're dealing with. Don't f***ing know.

Patrick "Kitten" Braden:
Oh, I do. I know, all right. I knew you were only joking about the roses... and the sweets, too, probably. But it was nice while it lasted. [Hatchett drives off]

Patrick "Kitten" Braden:
Dear Sir Unseen, I know my music and I am willing to bet you ten times whatever pathetic price you paid to get in this place that the dog's tail is 'waggely.' Now I want to hear you bark.

Patrick "Kitten" Braden:
But Micky is devious and no matter how much you tell him, he simply won't stay down!

Robin 1:
She doesn't look anything like Mitzi Gaynor!

Robin 2:
What do you know about Mitzi Gaynor?

Robin 1:
Nothing. But as Oscar Wilde said, "I love to talk about nothing. It's the only thing I know anything about."

Patrick "Kitten" Braden:
And the other thing about the Phantom Lady was, Bert, she realized, in the city that never sleeps...

Bertie:
What did she realize, Kitten?

Patrick "Kitten" Braden:
That all the songs she'd listened to, all the love songs, that they were only songs.

Bertie:
What's wrong with that?

Patrick "Kitten" Braden:
Nothing, if you don't believe in them. But she did, you see. She believed in enchanted evenings, and she believed that a small cloud passed overhead and cried down on a flower bed, and she even believed there was breakfast to be had...

Bertie:
Where?

Patrick "Kitten" Braden:
On Pluto. The mysterious, icy wastes of Pluto.

Patrick "Kitten" Braden:
I knew you were only joking about the roses. And the sweeties. But it was nice while it lasted.

Hooker (Janet Moran):
Oi. You doing business, do it somewhere else, love. This pavement's got my name on it.

Patrick "Kitten" Braden:
And what, pray, is your name? Concrete?

Hooker (Janet Moran):
My name is scratch your eyes out, and bite your bleed'n nose off. Which is what I'll do if you don't get off my patch.

Mr. Silky String:
She giving you trouble, sir?

Patrick "Kitten" Braden:
Oh, no trouble at all. We were just exchanging names.

Patrick "Kitten" Braden:
Patricia Kitten, aka Deep Throat, had penetrated the deepest recesses of the Republican sphincter... with her secret anti-terrorist spray, named after Gabrielle Coco Chanel's lucky number.

Patrick "Kitten" Braden:
Well, f*** me pink with a hairy arse!

Bertie:
You know, Kitten, I made a decision a long time ago.

Patrick "Kitten" Braden:
What decision was that?

Bertie:
That I wasn't destined for sentimental side of things. But if I ever did let myself fall for someone, I think it would be a girl like you.

Patrick "Kitten" Braden:
Bertie, please, I have to stop you. There's something you should know.

Bertie:
Or maybe what I should say is, it would be a girl not a million miles away from where I'm standing. What's the matter, Princess?

Patrick "Kitten" Braden:
Well, you see, the thing is, Bertie, I'm not a girl.

Bertie:
Oh, I knew that, Princess.

Patrick "Kitten" Braden:
You did?

Bertie:
Of course. What I said was, it would be a girl like you.

2nd Biker:
What do you see, bro?

Laurence:
Sausages!

2nd Biker:
No stars?

Laurence:
Stars... and sausages!

Ma Braden:
I'll walk you up and down the streets before the whole town in disgrace!

Young Patrick Braden:
Promise?

Mr. Silky String:
And just who is this "Phantom Lady"?

Patrick "Kitten" Braden:
Well, it's my mother really, I call her that... to pretend it's a story... that's happening to someone else, you see.

Mr. Silky String:
Why do you pretend that?

Patrick "Kitten" Braden:
Beacause otherwise I might cry and never stop.

Mr. Silky String:
If you cried, I'd make you stop.

Patrick "Kitten" Braden:
Oh, You would?... Oh how kind kind sir.

Mr. Silky String:
Yes. I'd definitely make you stop.

Patrick "Kitten" Braden:
Oh... I do believe I have a small elfin dwelling on Wimbledon Common.