Bromwell High

Natella:
I have to tell the headmaster that Aisha broke the swing. It's the right thing to do.

Latrina:
And because you're doing the right thing, when Aisha kills you, you'll go straight to Heaven.

Natella:
Latrina, I'm a Hindu.

Latrina:
Disneyland?

Keisha:
[Keisha is being interrogated by the police] I told you, you got the wrong b*tch! I'm J-Lo.

Prosecutor:
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

Mr. Bibby:
[hand on Bible] I do.

Prosecutor:
Is your name Roger Bibby?

Mr. Bibby:
No.

[Bible bursts into flames]

Mr. Bibby:
That means nothing.

Natella:
I guess it's like Alcohol. Just one more drink, then one more, then one more, then one more, until you spiral out of control in an orgy of self destruction!

Latrina:
Like me that time!

[repeated line]

Headmaster Iqbal:
Bloody Shitcakes!

Student:
[about division] I still don't understand.

Martin:
Well, then, you're just a f***ing idiot, then, aren't you? I've done pie, I've done orange, what more do you want?

Martin:
[Martin has just sold his novel, thus quitting his teaching job] Hee hee! You will never use anything I've taught you! And you're all idiots! Especially Keisha!

Keisha:
[smug] He chose me.

Latrina:
Oh, Natella! Marching with pride is for gays!

Latrina:
Oh, Natella! Not having babies is for gays!

Keisha:
I's tolerant! I's tolerant like a motherf***er!

Latrina:
Oh, Natella! Wheelchair access is for gays!

Martin:
Carol, that fireman says you shagged him!

Carol:
Which one?

Martin:
That one!

[points to a fireman]

Carol:
Oh, no, I didn't shag that one.

Martin:
Ha ha. Unlucky!

Martin:
I'm not fly.

Carol:
You're not fly!

Martin:
I'm a math teacher.

Carol:
You're a math teacher.

Martin:
And that's plenty cool enough.

Carol:
You're a math teacher.

Iqbal:
[after getting cable television] I have seen the future, and it is porn, sharks and Nazis!

Mr. Bibby:
Excellent. That rather plays to my strengths.

[repeated line]

Iqbal:
Item 54...

Carol:
[after Iqbal gets a big bag of money] Please tell me you will be spending that money on books.

Iqbal:
If by books you mean wind surfing lessons, then yes!

Iqbal:
[talking about cutbacks] From now on you will be drinking your own urine... in fact, you will be drinking my urine from now on!

Miss Hutchinson:
Well, sex education is very important.

Iqbal:
Not to me. I just stick it in.

Keisha:
So today's the day...

Natella:
Yep, D-Day.

Keisha:
Yep, Thursday.

Natella:
Friday.

Keisha:
Yep, Wednesday.

Natella:
No, it's Friday, Keisha.

Keisha:
Or is it D-Day?

Natella:
Yes, but that's...

Keisha:
You think you know so much about the days of the week!

Natella:
[after playing her sitar and Gavin breaks it on stage] Well, what do you think? Give me your honest opinion.

Keisha:
You were sh*t, shittier than sh*t. You were so sh*t it made me wanna block out my ears of sh*t and eat some sh*t, and then do a sh*t.

Natella:
Right... Lartina?

Latrina:
Sh*t.

Natella:
Well, obviously I can't expect you to appreciate the subtleties of Indian classical music. For my talents to be truly appreciated, I require a more sophisticated audience.

Keisha:
I agree, if sophisticated means deaf.

Dave Anderson:
[after getting a record deal] Mornin', Martin.

Martin:
I'm not jealous.

Dave Anderson:
?of what?

Martin:
Nothing. F***!

Dave Anderson:
What'd you mean f***?

Martin:
I love teaching. I don't want to be a millionaire. [begins to cry]

Gavin:
[writing a letter] Dear Archbishop, my robot Jesus is just like the real Jesus, except he's a robot.

[Keisha has been speaking in riddles]

Latrina:
What class do we have next?

Keisha:
Across the channel lies a land / Whose words we cannot understand

Latrina:
Ah, French.

Keisha:
Double Chemistry.

Keisha:
Why is I have to study English? I speaks the b*tch!

Headmaster Iqbal:
[interviewing disabled teachers, Iqbal commandeers a wheelchair] I am a Dalek! Exterminaaaate!

[Iqbal is sobbing in the cloakroom]

Mr. Bibby:
Why Headmaster, you're crying. I daresay, you're blubbering like a gimp. If you did this in Cypress, or wherever it is you're from, they'd cut your nuts off.

Iqbal:
The teachers, they don' like me.

Mr. Bibby:
Well they didn't like me when I took their credit cards, but you don't see me crying about it.

Keisha Marie:
That was sh*t. S-H-T-F, sh*t.

Keisha Marie:
Police force is bad. B-A-F, bad.

Keisha Marie:
He looks rough. R-U-P-H, rough.

Keisha Marie:
We're crap. K-R-C, crap.

Latrina:
Your uniform blows, lady.

Iqbal:
[entering staff room] Ok, ladyboys, listen to Iqbal.

Keisha Marie:
[helping Natella with her speech for school president] Peace to Tupac! F*** tha police!

Keisha Marie:
Shouldn't you be at the news agent?

Natella:
[annoyed] Shouldn't you be doing crack in the hood with all your gangsta yardie motherf***ers?

Iqbal:
[on the phone with the Ministry of Education] [gasp] There is a Ministry of Education? What is next, Ministry of Kabob?

Guidance person:
Keisha, you're being sent to a school for the exceptionally challenged. Do you understand what that means?

Keisha:
What d'you reckon?

Guidance person:
Well, what part don't you understand?

Keisha:
"Epsteptionally".

Guidance person:
Well, that means "very".

Keisha:
And "challenged".

Guidance person:
Well, that means "stupid". So you see, I could have said we're sending you to a school for the very stupid.

Keisha:
[pauses to digest this information] Yes!

Gavin's robot Jesus:
[acting suspiciously like a Dalek for the entire episode] Excommunicate!

Iqbal:
Ha! You's shat your pants! You's scared!

Mr. Bibby:
I assure you, I am not scared. The fact I shat my pants is neither here nor there.

Iqbal:
These kids are like my own children. Except I'm not banned from going within a mile of their houses.

Mr. Bibby:
Think what it would mean to your parents. Or guardians. Or whatever combination of incompetent caregivers attend to your domestic requirements.

Mr. Bibby:
I have the results from the latest GCSE modules from the assessment board. They are as follows: Biology - Poor, Physics - Very Poor, French - Unacceptable, Maths - Crap

Martin:
It doesn't say crap!

Mr. Bibby:
I'm paraphrasing, it actually says "cocking shite".

Natella:
I'm going to call my presentation, "Into the Melting Pot: a Carnival of Nations"!

Keisha Marie:
I'm going to call mine "Into the Shitpot: a Carnival of Sh*t".

Mr. Bibby:
[Melanie is trying to bribe him] You think that my support can be bought? Does that mean that money would persuade me to forgo my principal my duty as a teacher? And even my responsibility to...

[he turns around and sees her completely naked]

Mr. Bibby:
...Money's fine.

Mr. Phillips:
I bet you guys had all sorts of nicknames for me?

Latrina:
Nope. Not really.

Mr. Phillips:
You probably called me "Shitlips" or something like that? You probably went "Oh there goes old Shitty Shitlips" eh?

Natella:
No.

Latrina:
Heh. Phillips. Sounds like shitlips.

Keisha:
They's prejudiced against me because of the color of my skin! But I'm not here to talk about the struggle.

Iqbal:
Okay I have good news and bad news. The bad news is, we lose lawsuit and have to pay six jillion squid to some lawyer. Good news is, Iqbal ain't gonna take that sh*t from no-one. Iqbal is going to fight! I is take this case to House of Lords. And when they is tell me to f*** off, I is go to Brussels! Iqbal is never going to give in while he has breath in his body. Who's with me? I said, who's with me?

[Everyone applauds]

Iqbal:
On second thought it would be really difficult, and I can't be bothered. School is closed forever.

Iqbal:
Bloody ridiculous... grown-up teachers behaving like children!

Mr. Bibby:
Morning headmaster.

Iqbal:
Ahh, Mr. Bibb. At least you are no like the children.

Mr. Bibby:
Oh, but I am, headmaster. I'm-a like the children very much.

Iqbal:
No, I mean you no look like the children.

Mr. Bibby:
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm-a thought you talking banana-boat English.

Latrina:
I is meet him in the chat room, and he says he is eighteen, but when I is meet him at prison visiting hours, he is like 30. And then he escaped and abduct me, and then I is find out he is asylum seeker, and now he is flown home. How about you?

Natella:
Oh, nothing really. I just stayed in.

Latrina:
Who wants to know what's in my bag?

Keisha:
Is it a severed head?

Latrina:
Not today.

Natella:
Your mum has got to stop having babies.

Latrina:
Oh, Natella. Not having babies is for gays!

Latrina:
[Latrina is handed a sex education brochure] Wicked! I'm always keen to pick up tips!

Keisha:
It's always some day or other at this school. Today is sex education day, yesterday was Monday. Let's take the day off, man!

Tamsin:
I see you have a baby in a bag. My mother warned me this would happen. I suspect you're all on crack, too.

Keisha:
Lucky guess.

Keisha:
I hate handcuffs. I get enough of this on weekends.

Natella:
I didn't even know your mum was pregnant.

Latrina:
Neither did she.

Natella:
Where did she have it?

Latrina:
I don't want to think about it. The bouncers went mental!

Natella:
This is a school. If you have a problem, you should get help from a teacher.

Latrina:
Yeah, I could go and see Mr. Bibby.

Keisha:
That's the b*tch. He's the deputy head, he's there to help you.

Latrina:
And he's the one that knocked up my mum in the first place.

Roger Bibby:
I'm not a real man, Latrina. I'm a geography teacher.

Latrina:
You've defiled my mum and abandoned her baby!

Roger Bibby:
"You've defiled my mum and abandoned her baby", sir.

Roger Bibby:
Sorry, Carol. I couldn't help overhearing your conversation about adoption. Largely because you were talking so loudly, and also because I was eavesdropping.

Martin Jackson:
We're both incredibly fecund.

Carol Jackson:
Martin has the highest sperm count in all Bromwell.

Martin Jackson:
I produce mugfuls of the stuff every day. There's some now.

Carol Jackson:
If you're quiet, you can sometimes hear it.

Latrina:
My name is Latrina, and I have a question for the fat b*tch.

Melanie Dickson:
Latrina! It's the fat lady.

Latrina:
Sorry, miss. Fat lady, here is my question: why is you so fat?

Melanie Dickson:
Questions about sex, please.

Natella:
Please excuse my friend's clumsiness. May I ask a question of a more pertinent sexual nature?

Melanie Dickson:
Thank god for the Asians.

Natella:
Miss Hutchison, during the act of sexual intercourse, have you ever crushed a man to death?

Melanie Dickson:
Well, answer the question.

Miss Hutchison:
I'm not answering that.

Melanie Dickson:
Well done, Natella. You've stumped the experts again.

Keisha:
Miss! Miss!

Melanie Dickson:
Keisha, do you have a simpler question for the fat lady?

Keisha:
Big fat lady, tell me this, has you got a baby?

Miss Hutchison:
Well, as it happens...

Keisha:
By which I mean, have you ever done it with a man?

Miss Hutchison:
Well, it's...

Keisha:
'Cause I can't see it. You're too fat.

Melanie Dickson:
Well, you've got to answer one of them!

Martin Jackson:
[buying a baby on eBay] 1874 dollars!

Carol Jackson:
That's cheap.

Martin Jackson:
It's only got one arm.

Carol Jackson:
Ah, not mint.

Tamsin:
Fat lady, can you get pregnant from sitting on a toilet?

Miss Hutchison:
No, you can't get pregnant from sitting on a toilet.

Tamsin:
Not even if there's already someone sitting on it?

Latrina:
[with the Dollbot 2000] I think this will be a much better baby brother. It's shiny, it doesn't cry, and its head is easily detachable.

Carol Jackson:
What's that, Roger?

Roger Bibby:
This? Oh, just an orphaned Romanian baby.

Martin Jackson:
Where did you get it?

Roger Bibby:
An orphanage. In Romania.

Martin Jackson:
You're a monster.

Roger Bibby:
No, Martin. I'm a geography teacher.

Roger Bibby:
I'm no paediatrician. Despite what the graffiti says.

Martin Jackson:
Using a prostitute is not cheating.

Carol Jackson:
Martin, the school dinner lady is not a prostitute.

Martin Jackson:
Oh? Then, why did she charge me two hundred quid?

Carol Jackson:
To paraphrase Churchill, Martin's a riddle wrapped in a mystery wrapped in enigma.

Keisha:
Wrapped in a cocksucker.

Carol Jackson:
I don't think Churchill said that.

Keisha:
He only thought of it after he got home.

Keisha:
I is already the most famous girl in school.

Natella:
I think you're confusing fame with notoriety.

Keisha:
Thankyou.

Mr. Bibby:
Swimming with dolphins is just about the most exhilarating experience a human being can have.

Iqbal Kandallah:
[incredulous] Is better than wank?

Natella:
[after Latrina joins the drama club] Latrina has a chance to do something really special.

Keisha:
Turning gay is not special, Natella. If Uncle Marlon can do it, anyone can.

Natella:
Latrina is fantastic!

Carol Jackson:
It looks like a star is born.

Natella:
Or indeed any gay classic.

Natella:
You'd make the perfect Carol Jackson!

Keisha:
Is it because I is black?

Carol Jackson:
Largely, yes.

Martin Jackson:
So, I've got the part?

Natella:
Maybe. A lot of people in 8C would have to break their legs first.

Latrina:
[rushing in] The playground wall's just collapsed on 8C!

Inspector:
Well Keisha, do you think you can handle five fires a week?

Keisha Marie:
No problem.

Mr. Bibby:
You could say she was "fired up" for it.

[everyone laughs and walks away]

Iqbal:
I don't get it. You is all fired.

Keisha Marie:
Keisha, this is the third fire you caused this week!

Keisha Marie:
Oh, yeah? When?

Natella:
One on Monday, one on Tuesday and one today. One and one and one is three.

Keisha Marie:
Okay, you got me.

Natella:
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Keisha Marie:
Yeah! Let's go do a sh*t on the teachers car!

[school bus is on fire]

Iqbal:
Okay everyone you know the drill. [whispers] It is a drill right?

Mr. Bibby:
No it's actually a "real" fire.

Iqbal:
Blood shitcakes! Everyone run for your lives!

Natella:
Miss! Miss! You said everyone was ticked off but I know one student who isn't ticked off.

Melanie Dickson:
Well, that's almost everyone. [gets carried off by fireman]

[later scene]

Inspector:
Headmaster, I hear you rescued everyone from the fire. That's quite a feat.

Mr. Bibby:
I think "some" children were burnt.

Inspector:
Oh well that's almost everyone.

[school catches fire]

Martin Jackson:
[prances down the hall] Yay! Early hometime!

Keisha Marie:
Are you the Shrink?

Shrink:
I prefer child psychologist.

Keisha Marie:
Am I a nut job?

Shrink:
I prefer mental case.

Shrink:
Now how does starting fires make you feel?

Keisha Marie:
Warm and tingly.

Shrink:
I don't think that's right. Would you like to change your answer?

Keisha Marie:
Yeah, to good.

Shrink:
[stares at Keisha disapprovingly]

Keisha Marie:
Really good?

Shrink:
[continues to stare]

Keisha Marie:
Really bad.

Shrink:
Excellent. Another successful rehabilitation.

Natella:
[gasps] Keisha!

Keisha Marie:
What?

Natella:
I just had a text message threatening to beat me up!

Keisha Marie:
Oh I get them too. It's the phone company. You need to pay your bill.

Natella:
It must be Iesha!

Keisha Marie:
Or the phone company.

Natella:
[reads text message] You are dead meat. You spiki paki freak.

Keisha Marie:
Just pay your bill b*tch!

Gavin Beale:
Are your trousers on fire?

Mr. Phillips:
No. These aren't mine, I found them in lost property.

Natella:
Welcome to this emergency meeting of the Inhaler's Club. We have a guest member today: Latrina. Please treat her as one of us, even though she's popular with her peers, and is not permanently excused from doing P.E.

Natella:
I should tell him Aisha did it. That is the right thing to do.

Latrina:
It is the right thing to do. And after she murders you, you will go straight to heaven.

Natella:
I'm a Hindu.

Latrina:
Disneyland?

Iqbal:
Clowns is as funny as an old lady who falls in a sausage machine.

Mr. Bibby:
Really? I've never liked them myself.

Natella:
It's like being an alcoholic. You can't have just one drink. You have to have one more and one more and then one more, in an orgy of self-destruction.

Latrina:
Like me that time!

Natella:
Keisha, Muslims are not allowed to bet.

Keisha Marie:
No!

Latrina:
Believe it, lady.

Keisha Marie:
Sh*t.

Natella:
And they don't swear.

Keisha Marie:
F***ing bible!

Natella:
And they don't read the bible.

Keisha Marie:
Motherf***er, that just leaves me with smoky bacon chips.

Natella:
Muslims don't eat pork.

[Keisha bashes Natella on the head, and keeps eating]

Latrina:
What about the emptiness in your life?

Keisha Marie:
I think I was just hungry.

Natella:
The school has no collective self-respect. We should be marching together with a sense of pride.

Latrina:
Oh, Natella. Marching with pride is for gays!

Keisha Marie:
This is like Nasty Germany!

Carol Jackson:
This is the 27th time this week you've been in the isolation room. Under the 27-strikes-and-you're-out rule, you're in big trouble.

Keisha Marie:
[At the Miss World pageant, Keisha bashes a fellow contender] Lithuania is not a country, b*tch.

Natella:
Where's all the food?

Lunch Lady:
They spent the catering budget on lobsters for the private school over the back there.

Natella:
So, we're gonna starve?

Lunch Lady:
We'll just have to try and feed your for nothing.

Natella:
You've obviously never heard the expression, there's no such thing as a free lunch.

Lunch Lady:
And you've obviously never eaten road kill.

Natella:
Iqbal must have a weakness. A fatal flaw we can exploit.

Roger Bibby:
Well, let's see. Pride...

Natella:
That's good.

Roger Bibby:
...envy, sloth, gluttony, coveting his neighbour's ox, people smuggling, animal experimentation, animal experimentation videos...

Natella:
Let's concentrate on pride.

Iqbal Kandallah:
You has shat your pants. You is scared!

Roger Bibby:
I assure you I am not scared. The fact that I have shat my pants is neither here nor there.

Parent:
I'll write to the Board of Governors about this!

Iqbal Kandallah:
You can try, but me and Mekhmed don't read too good.

Prosecutor:
Is it a lie? Or is it the truth!

Keisha Marie:
No, it's a lie. You need some better questions, man.

Prosecutor:
Oh really? Or maybe I need worse questions!

Gavin:
Keisha, I know someone who loves you.

Keisha Marie:
Is it Spencer?

Gavin:
No, his name is Jesus Christ.

Keisha Marie:
Okay, we're done.

Gavin:
No, wait. I'm serious

Keisha Marie:
Sorry, that's more of Latrina's sort of thing.

Keisha Marie:
We don't float on clouds at this school, b*tch!

Miss Gosby:
Miss Chowdhury was the only woman out of 10 staff members. That's an insult to our intelligence, that is.

Carol Jackson:
Yeah, it's only about four percent or something.

Latrina:
You know it's bad to hit!

Keisha Marie:
Since when?

Natella:
Since September the 11th.

Davis:
The food at this school is lame. It tastes like your mother made it.

Jamal:
Yeah, that b*tch is lame. [the lunch lady looks at Jamal, unimpressed] Hello, mum.

Keisha Marie:
I told you, you got the wrong b*tch. I'm J.Lo.

Police Officer:
Obstructing a police inquiry is an offense.

Keisha Marie:
How do I know you is the real police?

Police Officer:
Here is my warrant card.

Keisha Marie:
How do I know that's a real warrant card?

Police Officer:
[reading] Authorized by the Metropolitan Police Authority.

Keisha Marie:
How do I know that's a real police authority?

Police Officer:
Because... look, Keisha, we've met about three hundred times.

Keisha Marie:
Yeah, but maybe someone's killed you and ripped off your face, and put it on their face.

Police Officer:
That hasn't happened, Keisha.

Keisha Marie:
Says you.

Chicken Rep:
And what could we do with the school?

Iqbal Kandallah:
Anything.

Mr. Bibby:
Within limits.

Chicken Rep:
And what would those limits be?

Mr. Bibby:
Okay: anything.

Mr. Bibby:
The way I look at it, there's nothing more malleable than the mind of a child. Oh, did I say malleable? I meant precious.

Natella:
So, we're malleable are we?

Keisha:
No. First he said that, then he realised he got it wrong, and said precious. You've got to listen straight, Natella.

Melanie Dickson:
What's the only part of the chicken that you can't put in the box?

Kylie Rice-Davis:
The face.

T'Shawn:
The fingers?

Davis:
The willy.

Melanie Dickson:
Actually, it's a trick question. There is no part of the chicken that you can't put in the box.

Natella:
When was the last time we had a lesson that didn't involve chicken?

Keisha:
Yesterday. Double chicken.

Natella:
That involved chicken.

Keisha:
Did it? I gots to listen more.

Carol Jackson:
This is yet another example of corporate infiltration into our school system!

Melanie Dickson:
I wish he'd infiltrate my system.

Carol Jackson:
We're not talking about a man! And if we were, he'd infiltrate my system first.

Natella:
There's all sorts of stuff we don't know about in the school rules. We're not supposed to swear at teachers, we're supposed to have books. Look! We should have abolished capital punishment.

Latrina:
If we hurry, we can save Briony Trigwell from 3B!

Keisha:
[lights flicker] Too late.

Natella:
Keisha, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Keisha:
Yeah, where's our modern-day Jonathan Swift?

Natella:
Closer than usual.

Mr. Bibby:
[to Natella] May the best man win. That means Iqbal, because he's a man. That was actually a clever joke.

Keisha:
I'm a natural orator.

Latrina:
Oh, me too! It's all about tucking your lips over your teeth.

Keisha:
[Natella's electoral platform] Peace to Tupac! F*** the police!

Carol Jackson:
Martin, say something!

Martin Jackson:
Carol, I do not think of me and Melanie in bed together!

Carol Jackson:
What?

Martin Jackson:
Nothing. [to himself] F***.

Keisha:
I'm looking for a rule that says you can challenge the President straight away if they is no good.

Carol Jackson:
Do you think there might be one in there?

Keisha:
Indeed I do, miss. Indeed I do.

Carol Jackson:
Do you think someone who can read might find it quicker?

Keisha:
Indeed I do, miss. Indeed I do.

Keisha:
I have a dream. A dream of white kids and brown kids and black kids, all living together in harmony. Latrina has a dream: about a tunnel and a series of bigger and bigger trains. Let's make those dreams come true!

Carol Jackson:
What you got there, Dave? A guitar?

Dave:
What, this old thing? Bit of a music evening tonight.

Carol Jackson:
You can strum me any time.

Melanie Dickson:
If music be the food of love, I'll give you a handjob behind the science building.

Carol Jackson:
You can pluck my G-String.

Melanie Dickson:
Yeah, that'd work. If you didn't wear such massive pants.

Natella:
What did you think? Give me your honest opinion.

Keisha Marie:
You were sh*t. Shitter than sh*t. You were so sh*t, it made me want to block up my ears with sh*t. And eat some sh*t. And then do a sh*t.

Natella:
Right. Latrina?

Latrina:
Sh*t.

Natella:
For my talents to be truly appreciated, I require a more sophisticated audience.

Keisha Marie:
I agree. If by 'sophisticated', you mean 'deaf'.

Dave:
If you'll excuse me, here comes the bigger helicopter that my helicopter travels on, so its blades don't get dusty.

Gavin Beale:
Dear Archbishop. My robot Jesus is just like the real Jesus. Except he's a robot.

Martin Jackson:
I've sold my book! You'll never need to know anything I taught you! And you're all idiots! Especially Keisha.

Keisha Marie:
Heh heh, he picked me.

Iqbal:
There is a Ministry of Education? Ha! What's next? Ministry of Kebab?

Keisha Marie:
Maths is as easy as 1-2-7.

Iqbal:
[reading a report on the school] Wow, "less than satisfactory". We is coming up in the world.

Leonora:
It's been decided that you should go to a special school.

Keisha Marie:
Yes!

Leonora:
A school for the exceptionally challenged. Do you understand what that means?

Keisha Marie:
What do you reckon?

Leonora:
Which bit don't you understand?

Keisha Marie:
Exceptionally

Leonora:
Well, that means very.

Keisha Marie:
And challenged?

Leonora:
That means stupid. So, I could've said, we're sending you to a school for the very stupid.

Keisha Marie:
Yes!

Iqbal:
[burying the monkey replacement teachers] It's been a long time since we've buried so many teachers, isn't it?

Mr. Bibby:
Illegal? Kidnapping? Are you sure? This is political correctness gone mad.

Careers Advisor:
How would you describe yourself?

Latrina:
I'm tall, I have blond hair and blue eyes.

Careers Advisor:
I mean your personality.;

Latrina:
I'm tall, I have blond hair and blue eyes.

Carol Jackson:
The clever one.

Natella:
Here.

Carol Jackson:
The pretty one.

Latrina:
Here, miss.

Carol Jackson:
And finally, the little one with the big head.

The Little One with the Big Head:
Yo.

Carol Jackson:
All right. First, I would really like the register back as soon as possible...

Carol Jackson:
[Carol brings a large iguana into the classroom]

Carol Jackson:
We have a new class pet. He's perfectly harmless, unless you get too close, in which case he'll hamstring you and swallow you whole like a deer.

Melanie Dickson:
PC Carter. Your trousers, your pants.

PC Carter:
I'm sorry?

Melanie Dickson:
Aren't you supposed to take down everything I say?

PC Carter:
Maybe I am just a pretty face.

Latrina:
Like me! I am just a pretty face! Why don't we show them what two pretty faces can do?

PC Carter:
You mean like catalogue modelling?

[feeding mice to Puffy the dragon]

Keisha Marie:
We big successful at looking after animals.

Natella:
Except mice.

Natella:
No, we don't look after mice too good.

Mr. Bibby:
We are looking for the class pet.

Iqbal:
We is need you to give him back now.

Mr. Bibby:
We discovered it is a rare and endangered species...

Iqbal:
...And we need it back so we can kill it.

Mr. Bibby:
By 'kill it', the headmaster means, 'look after it better'.

Iqbal:
And save my own skin.

Mr. Bibby:
And by 'save his own skin', the headmaster means, 'help the conservation effort'.

Iqbal:
We just want to make sure is safe.

Mr. Bibby:
By 'make sure is safe', the headmaster means, 'kill it'.

Mr. Bibby:
[Discussing what to do about Keisha] Headmaster, enough is enough. I think it's time to *get rid* of this problem once and for all.

Iqbal:
Hmm? Hmm. I see. You is make this problem disappear.

Keisha Marie:
What is you saying? Is it good?

Mr. Bibby:
Yes. Quite, we must *dispose* of this *problem* without delay.

Iqbal:
Ahh, you is mean *eliminate* this problem forever.

Keisha Marie:
What's this problem? Can I help?

Iqbal:
Let Iqbal is get absolutely straight. You is suggest we brutally murder this child and hack the head off her corpse?

Mr. Bibby:
No. But full marks for trying.

Iqbal:
...And when they is take the lump out, they is find that it has hair, and teeth, and is in fact my twin brother what has been buried inside Iqbal all these years! Ha, bloody family, eh? Hahaha... okay, item 54...

Martin Jackson:
Jesus wouldn't have taken a pay rise, Gavin. He'd have given it to one of his disciples. Possibly the maths disciple.

Gavin Beale:
Ah, but Jesus wasn't a teacher, was he? I suppose he was, in a way, but he was a carpenter, really. And a fisherman... in that bit where they go on the lake.

Gavin Beale:
Whether you call him Allah, Yahweh, Jehovah, or whatever, we all worship one god.

Student:
I'm a Hindu.

Gavin Beale:
Get out.

Iqbal:
Ah, Mr. Bib! At least you are not like the children.

Mr. Bibby:
But I am, headmaster. I'm-a like the children very much.

Iqbal:
No, I mean you no look like the children.

Mr. Bibby:
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were talking Banana Boat English.

Natella:
Anyone in a position of power must use a bit of discretion in wielding that power.

Keisha Marie:
I agree. If 'discretion' means a plank of wood with some nails in it.

Latrina:
I think Natella's jealous.

Natella:
Jelaous?

Keisha Marie:
Yeah. I is come first in something for once, and you upset 'cause you have to eat a big sh*t pie.

Latrina:
Like me that time!

Mr. Bibby:
Keisha is like Terminator, but harder.

Iqbal:
Ah, like Terminator 2.

Jamal:
[Kylie is injured on the basketball field. Davis places a towel over her] Is she dead?

Davis:
No, just ugly.

Keisha Marie:
English should be so easy. I speaks the b*tch!

Latrina:
According to my mum's diaries, there's a 17 in 28 chance my dad was black.

Latrina:
So, she is go to this party with some rich guy from Watford, but her sister is gets off with him.

Keisha Marie:
No!

Latrina:
Then, this guy's best mate starts wrecking on her, saying she's a ferocious mingin' dog.

Keisha Marie:
You lyin'!

Latrina:
They start hanging around together a little bit, and she treat him nasty - like Richard is treat Judy - and then he is ask her to marry him.

Keisha Marie:
That is so fierce!

Latrina:
But she's run off with some soldier she met at a club, but then the soldier beats up on her, and she comes home. And now she says she WILL marry the geezer!

Keisha Marie:
And you're saying this is called "Pride & Prejudice"?

Latrina:
What's in that bag?

Keisha:
Guess.

Latrina:
Um, a really tiny horse?

Keisha:
No.

Latrina:
Aw, then I give up!

Carol Jackson:
[to attractive journalist Steve] I'll take your dic... tation.

Melanie Dickson:
Can I see your column?

Carol Jackson:
I'll give you a front-page splash.

Melanie Dickson:
You can enter me on your laptop.

Steve:
When did you take over the school?

Iqbal Kandallah:
Let Iqbal think: five years ago, I was in Parkhurst for a crime I committed.

Roger Bibby:
And I was in former Yugoslavia... on a caravan holiday.

Iqbal Kandallah:
Then, I escape - uh, don't mention that in the article - and I is meet Mr. Bib in Angola, where we run successful diamond smuggle operation.

Roger Bibby:
And where we dabbled in the slave trade. Emphasise "dabble", not "slave trade".

Roger Bibby:
I've been asked to speak at the Geography Teachers' Conference in Southampton, wherever that is.

Steve:
It must be hard work keeping the school at the top of the class. How do you relax?

Iqbal Kandallah:
I take five minutes every day to recharge my batteries, read the newspaper, and have a lovely big wank.

Roger Bibby:
I enjoy doing the crossword puzzle. Obviously I use a different newspaper.

Carol Jackson:
[to an attractive photographer] You can click my button!

Melanie Dickson:
Why don't you give me a flash, and we'll see what develops?

Carol Jackson:
I'll swallow your developing fluid!

Melanie Dickson:
Yeah, well done, Carol, because that would kill you.

Keisha:
Don't worry. I is hide the sweets.

Latrina:
Where is you hide them?

Keisha:
Somewhere that no one will ever find them in a billion years.

Latrina:
Like where?

Keisha:
The only clue to where they is is a riddle I've written.

Latrina:
Oh, I love riddles!

Keisha:
It is take you a million years to work it out.

Natella:
Try us.

Keisha:
Okay: If it is the sweets you seek, into the cloakroom you must sneak. Look for where I keep my books, and hang my coat and bag on hooks. Behind the metal door is stowed, the sweets what make your head explode. Solve that.

Natella:
They're in your locker.

Keisha:
Yes.

Natella:
That's an obvious hiding place!

Keisha:
Is it?

Natella:
Yes.

Keisha:
Oh.

Steve:
I would never reveal my sources.

Melanie Dickson:
You can reveal your sauce all over me!

Carol Jackson:
I'll be your Deep Throat!

Melanie Dickson:
Ah, well that's imaginative.

Martin Jackson:
They're not drugs, they're sweets!

Roger Bibby:
There were allegorical similarities which the LEA could not ignore.

Iqbal Kandallah:
They have zero-tolerance anti-allegory policy.

Roger Bibby:
I have identified the pupils who shamed the school. They will be punished in the usual way: extra homework, detention, and the destruction of all images associated with their presidential cult.

Latrina:
Oh, Miss Dixon! Tolerance is for gays!

Latrina:
Miss Dickson, tolerance is for gays!

Natella:
He's not a nutjob.

Mr. Thompson:
They want to kill me!

Latrina:
Who?

Mr. Thompson:
Two giant baboons.

Natella:
He's just differently sane.

Melanie Dickson:
Who can tell me something different about Kylie?

Natella:
She has ginger hair.

Melanie Dickson:
Very good, Natella. She's a redhead. Some people would call that different. Keisha?

Keisha Marie:
She stinks.

Melanie Dickson:
Yes, she stinks. Stinking is different; most people would bathe. Latrina?

Latrina:
Her face looks like she's been hit by a spade.

Melanie Dickson:
Spade face; that's different.

Keisha Marie:
And Ricky Brimshaw done a sh*t in her pocket.

Melanie Dickson:
That's a good one. Okay, that's probably enough now. All right, one more.

Latrina:
I know! I know! No one else is crying, but she's crying.

Melanie Dickson:
Very, very good, Latrina!

Melanie Dickson:
I want you all to do a presentation in assembly on Friday.

Natella:
And the best one wins a prize?

Melanie Dickson:
No. No prize.

Natella:
I'm gonna win that prize, Miss Dickson.

Melanie Dickson:
Really, there's no prize. I don't believe in prizes.

Keisha Marie:
What, you don't believe prizes exist?

Melanie Dickson:
Well, I believe they exist.

Keisha Marie:
Then I'm gonna win that prize, Miss Dickson.

Iqbal:
Money makes the world go round, isn't it, Mr. Bibb?

Mr. Bibby:
Of course, Mr. Kandallah, as a geography teacher, I know that's not strictly true.

Natella:
My presentation will be entitled "Into the Melting Pot: A Carnival of Nations".

Keisha Marie:
I call it, "Into the Shitpot: A Carnival of Sh*t".

Natella:
Well, that was clever.

Keisha Marie:
You walked right into it.

Mr. Bibby:
I have some experience in corporate manslaughter, headmaster, and I suspect we'll have to give that money to the relatives of the dead. And probably a good deal more, due to what lawyers would call your massive and absolute incompetence.

Iqbal:
Screw this country that knocks success!

Natella:
Into the melting pot: all the colours of the rainbow. Except indigo and violet. And green and blue. And yellow, red or orange. None of the colours of the rainbow.

Terry:
Hey kids, my name's Terry. They call me the King of the Gypsies.

Latrina:
Hello, I'm Latrina. They call me the Bike of the South.

Keisha Marie:
So, today's the day.

Natella:
Yep. D-Day.

Keisha Marie:
Yep. Thursday.

Natella:
Friday.

Keisha Marie:
Yep. Wednesday.

Natella:
No, it's Friday, Keisha.

Keisha Marie:
Or is it D-Day?

Natella:
Yes, but that's...

Keisha Marie:
You think you know so much about the days of the week!

Keisha Marie:
That was sh*t. S-H-T-F. Sh*t.

Keisha Marie:
Belisha is weak. W-A-C. Weak.

Latrina:
I love Valentine's Day.

Keisha Marie:
I like the bit where everyone gets drunk, and your dad fights with policemen.

Latrina:
That's Christmas Day!

Keisha Marie:
Oh yeah. I like the bit where they nail that b*tch to the cross.

Natella:
That's Good Friday!

Gavin Beale:
Whenever Jesus sees a hole, he fills it.

Iqbal Kandallah:
Like my cousin Mekhmed.

Latrina:
Valentine's Day is the most important day of the year.

Natella:
If you judge people by how attractive they are.

Latrina:
How else is you do it?

Melanie Dickson:
I know a lot of you are worried about Valentine's cards. There's no stigma attached to not receiving any. That is no stigma, okay? However, if you don't get any, you will be sent to a special class at break time, for your own protection.

Latrina:
I is can't imagine anything worse than being ugly.

Natella:
What about starving children in Africa?

Latrina:
Nope. Unless they is starving and ugly.

Natella:
Davis has never sent anyone a Valentine's card. Not even Latrina. He's too cool.

Keisha Marie:
Yeah, he doesn't even talk to girls. He's the least gay boy ever.

Iqbal Kandallah:
[watching cable TV] I've seen the future, and it is porn, sharks, and Nazis.

Roger Bibby:
Excellent. That rather plays to my strengths.

Roger Bibby:
Mrs. Rice-Davis, surely you understand this was an accident.

Mrs. Rice-Davis:
I don't understand nothing.

Roger Bibby:
I see. Playing hardball, are we?

Mrs. Rice-Davis:
I don't understand nothing.

Roger Bibby:
I see. Playing idiot ball, are we?

Natella:
It's time we stood up and rejected the superficial values of beauty and attractiveness that pervade our morally bankrupt society!

Melanie Dickson:
That was very good. For a minger.

Roger Bibby:
The school is being sued by one of its illiterate children. We've fouled our own glass coffee table, and now we must wipe it clean.

Carol Jackson:
Reading is a mental function; how are we supposed to affect that? Shrink ourselves down so we can be injected into their brains like Racquel Welch in Fantastic Voyage? We're teachers, not film stars!

Natella:
It's a non-violent protest. Like Gandhi.

Keisha Marie:
That stupid deer.

Prosecutor:
Tell us in your own words: just how stupid are you?

Kylie Rice-Davis:
I don't understand the question.

Prosecutor:
Let me put the question another way. Can you tell what this is?

Judge:
Let the record show that the prosecution is showing the plaintiff a picture of a hole in the ground.

Prosecutor:
Is it any different to this?

Judge:
Let the record show that the prosecution is showing the plaintiff a picture of her own arse.

Prosecutor:
Well, Kylie, can you spot the difference?

Kylie Rice-Davis:
No.

[the crowd gasps]

Prosecutor:
Has no one ever taught you this?

Kylie Rice-Davis:
No.

[the crowd gasps]

Roger Bibby:
[offended] We covered it in Module 4!

Roger Bibby:
Knowing me, I suspect I have a plan.