Bum Reviews

Chester A. Bum:
Oh my God, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!

Chester A. Bum:
It's so cold it's warm! Oh what a shock, it's even colder!

Chester A. Bum:
I had to eat my toe to stay alive.

Chester A. Bum:
I never should have left the comfort of my box. I had a nice fire going until it set the box on fire, and now I have no place to live again, but that's usual. [looks at the marker he's holding; to camera] You might be looking at my current residence right now.

Chester A. Bum:
Take me, Satan, it must be so warm down there!

Chester A. Bum:
How did that happen? Just when you think there's nothing left that you can't lose the feeling in... there goes your johnson!

Chester A. Bum:
I don't even have a microphone, it's just a marker. Sharpie. Gets good reception

Chester A. Bum:
Oh, hello, I have decided to do the rest of the weather report inside. Um, apparently, a person from across the street saw what I was doing and considered it intolerable cruelty. So they invited me inside their house and, um, Channel Awesome will be looking forward to a... um, how did he put it? Law suit.

Chester A. Bum:
There's this bald boy, who can control the wind! Oops... wrong Avatar!"

Chester A. Bum:
This is the worst movie I've ever seen in my life!

Chester A. Bum:
Keep the change.

Chester A. Bum:
[Standing in shock] Oh my god... this is the... greatest movie I've ever seen in my life. [pause] I mean Jesus!

Chester A. Bum:
I am most perpleximated.

[repeated line]

Chester A. Bum:
Oh, it's Canadian!

Random Guy:
Do you do experimentation?

Dr. Insano:
'Course I do experimentation!

Random Guy:
Do you do homosexual experimentation with fans who wear blond wigs?

Chester A. Bum:
That's how I got where I am!

Dr. Insano:
I'll get back to you on that.

Chester A. Bum:
Erm, are you willing to pay for some experimentation?

Random Guy:
I have bus tickets. Ah, do those count?

Chester A. Bum:
If I can live on the bus.

Dr. Insano:
[holding a purse-like bag] Where does this go, I wonder?

Chester A. Bum:
I think they call that a medieval toilet.

Chester A. Bum:
Do you have that one game that, ah, Spoony really likes? Ah, Final Fantasy 26?

Chester A. Bum:
He defeats people by putting them up other people's asses! That better happen in the new Dark Knight movie! The Joker will be like "I am going to kill everyone!" and Batman will be like "You are going inside an ass!" Bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-splut! THE END!

Chester A. Bum:
So, Harry is in love with Ron Weasley's sister. Ron Weasley's sister is in love with some other boy. Ron Weasley is in love with some other girl. While Hermione is in love with Ron Weasley. And some jock kid is in love with Hermione. I'd say it's a love triangle, but it's more like a love octagon!

Chester A. Bum:
And "And he's like 'You're not my son!' 'Technically I am.' 'Well, metaphorically, you're not! 'Nooo-'"

Chester A. Bum:
I am sick of these motherf***in' Iron Mans on my motherf***in' donuts!

Chester A. Bum:
Iron Man is on a big metal donut. I'm high.

Ask That Guy with the Glasses:
So, they all lived happily ever after. I stole my 3D glasses because I am thoroughly a horrible person, and then I came home and masturbated. Would you like a reenactment of that?

Ask That Guy with the Glasses:
This is That Guy with the Glasses saying, change. Change is upon us. [director whispers to him; holds up styrofoam cup] Change. Change is upon us. [director whispers again] Oh, uh... change? Do you have change? Someone must have change... well I can't just flat-out do an impression of him. I'm no good at impressions. [director whispers to him] What, you want something like... [does perfect impression of Chester A. Bum] CHANGE? You got change? Ah, come on, help a guy out, will ya? Come on, change! [in normal voice] Is that what you would like? Well forget it, I'm not going to do it. Piss off. I'm going to go masturbate. [walks out of frame] And I won't be thinking of you... for long.

Ask That Guy with the Glasses:
I mean, zowie!

Chester A. Bum:
Who else would shave his head and wear a diaper all day? [Chester raises his hand, and smacks it back down]

Raoul Puke:
This is Raoul Puke, father of Fozzie Journalism, saying... [picks up the styrofoam cup from an unconscious Chester A. Bum] I have a cup.

Raoul Puke:
Never trust a turtle.

Chester A. Bum:
Oh my God, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life! [in western drawl] Reach for the SPOILERS!

Raoul Puke:
This movie should be reviewed by me because, well, I'm in it. You heard me correctly, I'm in it. And they didn't even give me credit. Well, maybe that's because I'm not exactly in it, it's a look alike. A phony. One of the many impersonators of Raoul Puke, just like that idiot with the big forehead online.

Raoul Puke:
You have this lizard. He talks... for some God-knows-why reason.

Raoul Puke:
We went from an artsy drug house film to a western. Again. How many movies have done that already? Too many!

Raoul Puke:
We can't stop here. This is hawk country.

Raoul Puke:
The the snake says, "we can't stop here. This is... not hawk country."

Chester A. Bum:
And the moral of the story is... BESTIALITY IS OKAY!

Chester A. Bum:
She's taking off his sheep's clothing! He's riding her hood! She's blowing his house down! The better to eat her with! She's taking him to Grandma's house! He's checking under her hood! Holy smoke, I gotta make a book of these!

Chester A. Bum:
Tween girl porn!

Chester A. Bum:
Live long, and SUCK IT!

Chester A. Bum:
Wait a minute! Iron Man, the Hulk, all the Marvel characters... OH MY GOD, Marvel is putting together a baseball team! Spider-Man can be the shortstop, Wolverine can be the pitcher, and the Hulk will be the umpire, because you do not want to piss off that umpire. He will eat you... I hear Howard the Duck has promise!

Chester A. Bum:
Disney, just because you can kill off a main character, doesn't mean you should. If that's the case, why didn't you kill off Rosie O'Donnell in Tarzan? That damn dirty ape.

Chester A. Bum:
I crashed Harvard's computer servers once! With my Prius!

Chester A. Bum:
It's Hannibal Lecter, you morons! He ate his liver with some father beans and a nice candy!

Chester A. Bum:
I went into a video game once! Mario's actually Scottish!

Chester A. Bum:
So, the good vampire has to suck the evil out of her arm. And the father is like, "You have to stop sucking. You're sucking too much!" And the boy vampire is like, "That's nothing. You should see what she sucked on me!"

Chester A. Bum:
Thank you, I'll be here all week.

Chester A. Bum:
And the computer is like: "He's a bloodsucker! A creature of the night! Nosferatu!" And then the computer is like: "Do I have to spell it out for you? A VAMPIRE!"

Chester A. Bum:
I was an Asian Boy Scout once! Wasn't that a weird week.

Chester A. Bum:
That's what all people should do! We should send all the old people in the sky. Than everybody would complain how slow they fly! 'Hey Grandpa, can your house can move any slower? Come on, step on the hellium.'"

Chester A. Bum:
I was in Russia once! They said I wasn't Jewish enough... or was that a brothel? It was a Russian Brothel! [Imitating Russian Accent] I will go down on you for twenty Rubles

Chester A. Bum:
And there's this atomic guy, who looks like he's trying out for the naked Blue Man Group! I was in the Naked Blue Man Group once! Apparently, I wasn't Jewish enough, whatever that means. And this blue guy, he can defeat anybody he wants, because everyone is distracted by his giganto penis! Seriously! Doesn't the guy put on any pants? My penis is blue too, but you don't see me flaunting it around! Okay, once or twice. Every Tuesday.

Chester A. Bum:
I was a zombie once! I was a member of the Oprah Book Club.