Caddyshack

Al Czervik:
Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

Judge Smails:
You know, you should play with Dr. Beeper and myself. I mean, he's been club champion for three years running and I'm no slouch myself.

Ty Webb:
Don't sell yourself short Judge, you're a tremendous slouch.

Al Czervik:
Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid.

Spalding Smails:
Ahoy polloi.

Ty Webb:
I like you Betty.

Danny Noonan:
It's Danny sir.

Ty Webb:
Danny.

Spalding Smails:
This is good stuff. I got it from a Negro. You're probably high already and you don't even know it.

Sandy:
Carl I want you to kill all the gophers on the golf course

Carl Spackler:
Correct me if I'm wrong Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers they'll lock me up and throw away the key.

Sandy:
Not golfers, you great fool. Gophers. The *little* *brown*, *furry* *rodents*.

Carl Spackler:
We can do that. We don't even need a reason.

Al Czervik:
Oh, this is the worst-looking hat I ever saw. What, when you buy a hat like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh? Oh, it looks good on you though.

Al Czervik:
Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.

Al Czervik:
You're a lot of woman, you know that? Yeah, wanna make 14 dollars the hard way?

Carl Spackler:
He's on his final hole. He's about 455 yards away, he's gonna hit about a 2 iron I think.

Carl Spackler:
IT'S IN THE HOLE.

Danny Noonan:
I haven't even told my father I'm not gonna get that scholarship. I'm gonna end up working in a lumberyard the rest of my life.

Ty Webb:
What's wrong with lumber? I own two lumberyards.

Danny Noonan:
I notice you don't spend too much time there.

Ty Webb:
I'm not quite sure where they are.

Al Czervik:
Hey, doll. Could you scare up another round for our table over here? And tell the cook this is low grade dogfood. I've had better food at the ballgame, you know? This steak still has marks from where the jockey was hitting it.

Judge Smails:
It's easy to grin / When your ship comes in / And you've got the stock market beat. / But the man worthwhile, / Is the man who can smile, / When his shorts are too tight in the seat.

Judge Smails:
Oh Porterhouse, look at the wax build up on these shoes I want that wax stripped off there, then I want them creamed and buffed wih a fine chamois, and I want them now. Chop chop.

Carl Spackler:
License to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations. Man, free to kill gophers at will. To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will never quit - ever. They're like the Viet Cong - Varmint Cong. So you have to fall back on superior intelligence and superior firepower. And that's all she wrote.

Carl Spackler:
This is a hybrid. This is a cross, ah, of Bluegrass, Kentucky Bluegrass, Featherbed Bent, and Northern California Sensemilia. The amazing stuff about this is, that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon, take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt that night on this stuff.

Carl Spackler:
So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one - big hitter, the Lama - long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga... gunga, gunga-galunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.

Judge Smails:
How about a Fresca?

Carl Spackler:
Oh Mrs. Crane, you're a little monkey woman. Yeah, you're lean, mean, and I bet you're not too far in between are ya. How'd you like to wrap your spikes around my...

Ty Webb:
You take drugs, Danny?

Danny Noonan:
Every day.

Ty Webb:
Good. Then what's your problem?

Danny Noonan:
I don't know.

Ty Webb:
A flute without holes, is not a flute. A donut without a hole, is a Danish.

Ty Webb:
I was born to love you / I was born to lick your face / I was born to rub you / but you were born to rub me first /... What do you say we take this out on the patio?

Danny Noonan:
I gotta go to college.

Ty Webb:
You don't have to go to college. This isn't Russia. Is this Russia? This isn't Russia.

Carl Spackler:
I got to get into this dude's pelt and crawl around for a few days. Who's the gopher's ally. His friends. The harmless squirrel and the friendly rabbit.

Carl Spackler:
This crowd has gone deadly silent, a Cinderella story outta nowhere. Former greenskeeper and now about to become the masters champion.

Ty Webb:
You're rather attractive for a beautiful girl with a great body.

Ty Webb:
Just be the ball, be the ball, be the ball. You're not being the ball Danny.

Danny Noonan:
It's hard when you're talking like that.

Judge Smails:
Ty, what did you shoot today?

Ty Webb:
Oh, Judge, I don't keep score.

Judge Smails:
Then how do you measure yourself with other golfers?

Ty Webb:
By height.

Judge Smails:
I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.

Dr. Beeper:
I thought you'd be the man to beat this year.

Ty Webb:
I guess you'll just have to keep beating yourself.

Ty Webb:
This your place, Carl?

Carl Spackler:
Yeah, whatta ya think?

Ty Webb:
It's really... awful.

Carl Spackler:
Well, I got a lot of stuff on order. You know... credit trouble.

Ty Webb:
Guys, don't include me in this.

Al Czervik:
Come on, Ty, you're an ace. Everybody knows it.

Ty Webb:
I don't play golf, for money, against people.

Al Czervik:
What are you, religious or something?

Ty Webb:
You might say that.

Al Czervik:
While we're young.

Al Czervik:
What're we, waiting for these guys? Hey Whitey, where's your hat?

Judge Smails:
Do you mind, sir. I'm trying to tee off.

Al Czervik:
I'll bet you a hundred bucks you slice it into the woods.

Judge Smails:
Gambling is illegal at Bushwood sir, and I never slice.

Judge Smails:
*Damn*.

Al Czervik:
OK, you can owe me.

Judge Smails:
I owe you nothing.

Ty Webb:
Thank you very little.

Al Czervik:
Hey, did somebody step on a duck?

Al Czervik:
He called me a baboon, he thinks I'm his wife.

Lacey Underall:
I bet you've got a lot of nice ties.

Ty Webb:
How do you mean?

Lacey Underall:
Would you like to tie me up with some of your ties, Ty?

Ty Webb:
Let me just clean this up here

Ty Webb:
... getting ready for the season.

Lacey Underall:
Duck?

Ty Webb:
No... dolphin.

Judge Smails:
Don't you people have homes?

Judge Smails:
I demand satisfaction.

Al Czervik:
Yeah, well I'll tell you what's satisfying: *cash*. I'll shoot you 18 holes for ten thousand bucks.

Judge Smails:
I could beat you with one good arm.

Al Czervik:
Well, how about teams, then. I'll take Ty here, and you can have Dr. Frankenputz.

Dr. Beeper:
I beg your pardon.

Ty Webb:
Judge, Al, I don't play golf... for money... against people.

Judge Smails:
Don't you people have jobs?

Mrs. Smails:
Elihu, will you come loofah my stretch marks?

Judge Smails:
Do you know what I just saw? A gopher. Do you know what gophers can do to a golf course?

Groundskeeper Sandy:
Aye, Sir. I think they're tunneling in from that construction site.

Judge Smails:
Czervik, huh. Well, I slap an injunction on them so fast it'll make their head spin.

Ty Webb:
You're not, you're not good, Al. You stink.

Spalding Smails:
I want a hamburger... no, a cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake...

Judge Smails:
You'll get nothing, and like it.

Carl Spackler:
Bark like a dog.

Bishop:
Why don't you come on down to our new Lutheran center?

Danny Noonan:
I've often thought about becoming a priest.

Bishop:
Oh, are you a Roman Catholic?

Bishop:
Oh, then I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you can't come.

Mrs. Smails:
Bless this ship, and all who sail on her. I christen thee The Flying WASP.

Groundskeeper Sandy:
Carl. Damn your eyes. I told you, today is the day we change the holes. Now, do it, and no more slacking off.

Carl Spackler:
I'll slack you off, you fuzzy little foreigner.

Danny Noonan:
I've always wanted to go to college.

Judge Smails:
Well, the world needs ditch diggers, too.

Judge Smails:
Do you stand for *goodness*, or - for *badness*?

Ty Webb:
What brings you to this nape of the woods, neck of the wape; How come you're here?

Lacey Underall:
My uncle says you've got a screw loose.

Ty Webb:
Your uncle molests collies.

Danny Noonan:
I can't pay you. Lou has to.

Tony D'Annunzio:
Where is he?

Danny Noonan:
He's out.

Tony D'Annunzio:
I can see that he's out, numbnuts.

Tony D'Annunzio:
Give me a coke.

Danny Noonan:
One coke.

Tony D'Annunzio:
Hey wait a minute. That's only 50 cents.

Danny Noonan:
Yeah well Lou raised the price of coke he's been losing at the track.

Tony D'Annunzio:
Well I ain't paying no 50 cents for no coke.

Danny Noonan:
Oh then you ain't getting no coke. Know what I'm talking about?

Lou Loomis:
What's the sign say?

Angie D'Annunzio:
No bare feet.

Lou Loomis:
What's that sign say?

Angie D'Annunzio:
No fighting.

Lou Loomis:
What's that mean?

Angie D'Annunzio:
No fighting.

Lou Loomis:
You owe me one gumball machine. What's that candy wrapper doing there? Well don't you see it? Well pick it up.

Lou Loomis:
I'm going to put it right on the line. There's been a lot of complaints already. Fooling around on the course, bad language, smoking grass, poor caddying. If you guys want to get fired. If you want to be replaced by golf carts, just keep it up.

Spalding Smails:
Turds.

Judge Smails:
Spaulding, how many times have I spoken to you about your language?

Spalding Smails:
Sorry grandpa I forgot.

Judge Smails:
Oh Dr. Beeper, Bishop Pickering this is my niece Lacey Underall. Lacey's mother sent her to us for the summer.

Dr. Beeper:
Must be a nice change from dreary old Manhattan.

Lacey Underall:
Yes I was really getting tired of having fun all the time.

Judge Smails:
Ah. Ho ho. Ha ha ha.

Spalding Smails:
Double turds.

Judge Smails:
*Spaulding*!

Judge Smails:
Spaulding, get dressed you're playing golf.

Spalding Smails:
No I'm not grandpa I'm playing tennis.

Judge Smails:
You're playing golf and you're going to like it.

Spalding Smails:
What about my asthma?

Judge Smails:
I'll give you asthma.

Ty Webb:
I'm going to give you a little advice. There's a force in the universe that makes things happen. And all you have to do is get in touch with it, stop thinking, let things happen, and be the ball.

Lacey Underall:
You're crazy!

Ty Webb:
That's what they said about Son of Sam.

Carl Spackler:
I smell varmint poontang. And the only good varmint poontang is dead varmint poontang, I think.

Tony D'Annunzio:
Another Rob Roy, Bishop?

Bishop:
You never ask a navy man if he'll have another drink, because it's nobody's goddamned business how much he's had already.

Judge Smails:
Wrong, you're drinking too much your Excellency.

Bishop:
Excellency, fiddlesticks, my name's Fred and I'm a man, same as you.

Judge Smails:
You're not a man, you're a bishop, for God's sakes.

Bishop:
There is no God...

Judge Smails:
Danny, I'm having a party this weekend.

Judge Smails:
How would you like to come over and mow my lawn?

Carl Spackler:
Wait up, girls; I got a salami I gotta hide still.

Carl Spackler:
This place gotta pool?

Ty Webb:
Pool and a pond... Pond be good for you.

Judge Smails:
Well, We're waiting.

Danny:
I gotta go to college. I gotta.

Ty:
Oh, Danny, this isn't Russia. Is this Russia? This isn't Russia, is it? I didn't think so. I like you, Betty.

Danny:
It's Danny, sir.

Ty:
Danny. Danny, I'm going to give you a little advice. There's a force in the universe that makes things happen; all you have to do is get in touch with it. Stop thinking...let things happen...and be...the ball.

Sandy:
[with heavy Scottish brogue]: Carl, I want you to kill all the gophers on the course.

Carl:
Check me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers, they'll lock me up and throw away the key.

Sandy:
Not golfers, you great git! Gophers- the little brown, furry rodents!

Carl:
We can do that. We don't even have to have a reason.

Sandy:
Aye! Well, do it, man!

Carl:
All right. Let's do the same thing, but with gophers. [Sandy storms off] It's not my fault nobody can understand what you're saying.

Smails:
Ty, what did you shoot today?

Ty:
Oh, Judge, I don't keep score.

Smails:
Then how do you measure yourself with other golfers?

Ty:
By height.

Smails:
You know, you should play with Dr. Beeper and myself. I mean, he's been club champion for three years running and I'm no slouch myself.

Ty:
Don't sell yourself short Judge, you're a tremendous slouch.

Danny:
Judge Smails, sir?

Smails:
Sit down, Danny. I think you know why you're here, so I'll do us the courtesy of not reviewing what happened yesterday. My niece is the kind of girl that has a certain zest for living. The last thing any of us needs now is a lot of loose talk about her behavior.

Danny:
I swear I didn't tell anybody anything, sir.

Smails:
Good, good. You know, despite what happened, I'm still convinced that you have many fine qualities. I think you can still become a gentleman someday if you understand and abide by the rules of decent society. There's a lot of...well, badness in the world today. I see it in court every day. I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. I didn't want to do it- I felt I owed it to them. The most important decision you can make right now is what you stand for- goodness...or badness.

Danny:
Now I know I've made some mistakes in the past. I'm willing to make up for that. I want to be good!

Smails:
Very good! I know how hard it is for young people today and I want to help. Just ask my grandson, Spaulding. He and I are regular pals. Are you my pal..."Mr. Scholarship Winner"?

Danny:
Yes, sir! I'm your pal!

Smails:
[ruffles Danny's hair] How about a Fresca?

Smails:
I demand satisfaction.

Al:
You demand satisfaction? Well I'll tell you what's satisfying: cash. I'll shoot you 18 holes for ten thousand bucks!

Smails:
[laughs] Wha... I could beat you with one arm!

Al:
Well, how about teams then, for twenty thousand? You can have Dr. Frankenputz...

Dr. Beeper:
[mortified] I beg your pardon!

Al:
And I'll take Ty, here.

Ty:
Guys, don't include me in this.

Al:
Come on, Ty, you're an ace. Everybody knows it.

Ty:
I don't play golf, for money, against people.

Al:
What are you, religious or something?

Ty:
You might say that.

Smails:
Ty, can I have a word with you? In private?

Ty:
Sure thing, Judge.

Smails:
Listen, your father and I prepped together, went to war together, played golf together. We built this club, he and I. And let's face it, some people simply do not belong. Let's not... cave in too easy. What do you say, Ty?

[Smails and Ty start to laugh]

Ty:
Let's make it $40,000.

Al:
Hey, great!

Ty:
[to a glaring Smails] You know, Judge, my dad... never liked you.

The man’s a menace. -Judge Smails

Judge Elihu Smails:
I have a little poem I'd like to read in honor of this occasion, if I may. Spaulding, get your foot off the boat.

Carl Spackler:
[standing in an ornamental flowerbed] What an incredible Cinderella story! This unknown, comes out of nowhere, to lead the pack at Augusta. He's at the final hole. He's about 455 yards away, he's gonna hit about a 2-iron, I think. [swings, pulverizes a flower] Oh, he got all of that. The crowd is standing on its feet here at Augusta. The normally reserved Augusta crowd is going wild... [pauses] for this young Cinderella who's come out of nowhere. He's got about 350 yards left, he's going to hit about a 5-iron, it looks like, don't you think? He's got a beautiful backswing... [swings, pulverizes another flower] that's- oh, he got all of that one! He's gotta be pleased with that! The crowd is just on its feet here. He's a Cinderella boy. Tears in his eyes, I guess, as he lines up this last shot. He's got about 195 yards left, and he's got a, looks like he's got about an 8-iron. This crowd has gone deadly silent... Cinderella story, out of nowhere, former greenskeeper, now about to become the Masters champion. [swings, pulverizes yet another flower] It looks like a mirac- it's in the hole! It's in the hole!

Carl Spackler:
I have to laugh, because I've outsmarted myself.  My foe, my enemy, is an animal, and in order to conquer him, I have to think like an animal, and, whenever possible, to look like one.  I've gotta get inside this dude's pelt and crawl around for a few days.

Carl Spackler:
Great big gobs of greasy, grimy gopher guts. How about a nice, cool drink, varmints? Scum! Slime! Menace to the golfing industry! You're a disgrace and you're varmints. You're one of the lowest members of the food chain and you'll probably be replaced by the rat. Well, I have been pushed. I think it's about time that somebody teaches these varmints a little lesson about morality and about what it's like to be a decent, upstanding member of a society! Come to Carl, varmint. Come to Carl. -- Okay, I guess we're playing for keeps now. I guess the kidding around is pretty much over, huh? I guess it's just a matter now of pumping about fifteen thousand gallons of water down there to teach you a little bit of a lesson, is that it? I think it is!

Ty:
Do you take drugs, Danny?

Danny:
Every day.

Ty:
Good, then what's your problem?

Dannny:
I don't know.

Ty:
You've got to win this hole.

Danny:
I kinda thought winning wasn't important.

Ty:
Me winning isn't. You, do.

Danny:
Great grammar.

Judge Elihu Smails:
[impatiently waits for Danny's final putt] WELL? WE'RE WAITING.