Capricorn One

Walter Loughlin:
Listen to me and listen good. I don't like you, Caulfield. You're ambitious. You think the way to get ahead is to come up with the scoop of the century. Woodward and Bernstein were good reporters, that's how they did it. Not by telling me they've located Patty Hearst three times like you did or that brilliant piece of investigative journalism you pulled off by finding an eye witness to the second gunman in the Kennedy assassination. The small fact that the man had been in a mental institution at the time never deterred you, not 'Scoop' Caulfield. Now most reporters are like me. They are plodders. They spend a lot of their time checking little things... like facts. They cover mundane stories like wars and trials and hearings. You never seem to have enough time in your busy schedule to stoop so low as to cover a story. You occupy your time with tips from people who never existed. Driving your car into water and claiming it wasn't your fault. Getting shot at by unseen gunmen. Now I really hate to interrupt your meteoric career with something so plebeian as a legitimate story. However, a train load of propane gas had the bad taste to derail near Galveston and there's a whole town that just might blow up. So it would be just really peachy of you if you would join your film crew that's waiting for you on the plane at this very moment while we speak.

Robert Caulfield:
That was some speech.

Loughlin:
I thought so.

Robert Caulfield:
Look, when a reporter tells his assignment editor that he thinks he may be on to something that could be really big, the assignment editor is supposed to say: "You've got 48 hours, kids, and you better come up with something good or it's going to be your neck!" That's what he's supposed to say, I saw it in a movie.

Walter Loughlin:
You're not crazy, I'm crazy. I'm crazy for listening and I'm crazy for saying what I'm about to say. I'll give you 24 hours to come up with something. Not 48. I saw the movie too, it was twenty four.

Judy Drinkwater:
I'll fix you some coffee, then you can jump me.

Robert Caulfield:
There's no other one besides White Bluff?

Drinkwater:
No, except one abandoned base they used for training during World War Two. Jackson. There's nothing there now. Don't you want to jump me?

Caulfield:
Of course I do. Where's Jackson?

Drinkwater:
About 300 miles directly west. I think I'm going to get angry with you.

Caulfield:
Do you have any money on you?

Drinkwater:
You want me to pay you?

Caulfield:
How much?

Drinkwater:
About a hundred. Why don't I just leave it on the dresser in the morning?

Caulfield:
Give it to me now.

Drinkwater:
In advance? That's the height of conceit.

Caulfield:
Please, and your car keys.

Robert Caulfield:
You in charge here?

Albain:
See that sign there?

Caulfield:
Yes.

Albain:
Well, read it.

Caulfield:
I did.

Albain:
Out loud.

Caulfield:
A&A Crop Dusting Service.

Albain:
You wanna know who I am?

Caulfield:
I bet you're one of the A's.

Albain:
But which one? I bet you can't answer that question, smart-ass.

Caulfield:
The first one.

Albain:
Wrong.

Caulfield:
Can I have one more guess?

Albain:
You got it.

Caulfield:
The second one.

Albain:
Wrong. I'm both of them. My name is AlBaine. Now, I got a son. You know, the other A was for him but he don't like to fly. He became a lawyer. I think he's a pervert so I took the A away from him. You want to speak to someone in charge, you're speaking to the both of them.

Caulfield:
My name is Caulfield.

Albain:
Hey, I can't help that.

Robert Caulfield:
Mr Albaine, how much do you charge to dust a field?

Albain:
Twenty five dollars.

Caulfield:
I'd like to hire your plane.

Albain:
That'll be a hundred dollars.

Caulfield:
You said you charged 25?

Albain:
Twenty five dollars to dust a field, but you ain't got no field because you ain't no farmer, which means you ain't poor and I think you're a pervert!

Caulfield:
Okay, one hundred.

Albain:
One hundred and twenty five.

Caulfield:
What?

Albain:
Because you said yes to a hundred too quick, which means you can afford a hundred and twenty five.

Colonel Charles Brubaker:
This is really wonderful. If we go along with you and lie our asses off, the world of truth and ideals is, er, protected. But if we don't want to take part in some giant rip-off of yours then somehow or other we're managing to ruin the country. You're pretty good, Jim. I'll give you that.

Lt. Colonel Peter Willis:
Anybody hungry? Oh, the marvels of American science. Here we are millions of miles from earth, and we can still send out for pizza.

Dr. James Kelloway:
You think it's all a couple of loony scientists, it's not! It's bigger. There are people out there, forces out there, who have a lot to lose. They're grown ups. It's gotten too big, it's in the hands of grown ups!

Lt. Colonel Peter Willis:
Hey, Dr. Kelloway. Funny thing happened on the way to Mars.