Casting Couch

Opening Title Card:
This is a true story. Kinda.

Justin:
Problem is: type of girls that I want to bang don't wanna bang me. These Hollywood hotties want a guy with power. They want someone who can change their life - and by "life" I mean career.

Austin:
I f***ing... LOVE it.

Ross:
I don't know how I feel about it.

Austin:
That's because you think with your head too much, man. Use your cock and balls like the rest of us.

Ross:
Do we get an IMDb credit for writing a fake movie?

Austin:
I don't write homos... anymore.

Ben:
Long live the angry gay guy! I'm in.

Ben:
The only thing tatas do for me is remind me of when I drank my mother's milk.

Newt:
Sometimes I think Justin forgets who's holding the camera.

[the all-white group wonders which among them might be willing to venture beyond his own ethnicity]

Austin:
Yeah. Sure, why not? I'll bite the bullet.

Parker:
Well, that's certainly kind of you. "Bite the bullet?" We're trying to be as politically correct and considerate as possible in this project.

Austin:
I've always wanted to bang an Asian chick.

Amber:
I brought a surprise for Jenny.

Katie:
What?

Amber:
A whole bag of d*ldos!

Ross:
No one said the script was award-worthy.

Austin:
Nothing is more attractive than a girl who can't walk good.

Parker:
Or a guy who can't speak well.

Ross:
What's on her resume?

Justin:
[checking] Yeah, I think she's a porn star.

Chase Lockwood:
I knew it.

Ben:
How can you tell?

Justin:
She was the lead in "F*** My Butt" 3, 4 and 5.

Jordan Holliday:
Man, you are such a boy.

Chase Lockwood:
Justin sucked at improv. There's a reason why he's a waiter.

Ben:
Somebody take me out of the oven... 'cause I'm done.

Trent:
A little piece of me dies as each guy walks in.

Justin:
I'm not homophobic. I'm just scared of gay people.

Ross:
She had a lot of air upstairs.

Austin:
Yeah, I don't even think she'll know what's goin' on.

Justin:
Exactly - and she seems like the type of girl who would let me throw a piece of bologna at her base ass.

Chase Lockwood:
My balona has a first name.

Jordan Holliday:
It's always important to be the hottest. Helps you build a fan base. And you know, I've got, like, 473,000 Twitter followers. It's kind of like when you're looking at all the presents under the Christmas tree. They're all pretty and exciting, but there's always that one special present, the one with the biggest bow. Just can't take your eyes off of it. I'm that f***ing present.