Catch-22

General Dreedle:
Get back in the car, you smirking slut!

Yossarian:
Let me see if I've got this straight: in order to be grounded, I've got to be crazy and I must be crazy to keep flying. But if I ask to be grounded, that means I'm not crazy any more and I have to keep flying.

Yossarian:
Those bastards are trying to kill me.

1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder:
No one is trying to kill you sweetheart. Now eat your dessert like a good boy.

Yossarian:
Oh yeah? Then why are they shooting at me Milo?

Dobbs:
They're shooting at everyone Yossarian.

Yossarian:
And what difference does that make?

Dobbs:
Look Yossarian, suppose, I mean just suppose everyone thought the same way you do.

Yossarian:
Then I'd be a damn fool to think any different.

1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder:
Nately died a wealthy man, Yossarian. He had over sixty shares in the syndicate.

Yossarian:
What difference does that make? He's dead.

1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder:
Then his family will get it.

Yossarian:
He didn't have time to have a family.

1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder:
Then his parents will get it.

Yossarian:
They don't need it, they're rich.

1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder:
Then they'll understand.

Colonel Cathcart:
You're a disgrace. I'd like to know how you got to be a Captain, anyway.

Yossarian:
You promoted me.

Colonel Cathcart:
That has got nothing to do with it.

Yossarian:
The only friend I had was Snowden and I didn't know him.

1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder:
What's good for M & M Enterprises will be good for the country.

1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder:
I want to serve this to the men. Taste it and let me know what you think.

Yossarian:
What is it?

1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder:
Chocolate covered cotton.

Yossarian:
What are you, crazy?

1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder:
No good, huh?

Yossarian:
For Christ's sake, you didn't even take the seeds out.

1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder:
Is it really that bad?

Yossarian:
It's cotton!

Lt. Colonel Moodus:
A chair for Dad's girlf... for the lady!

1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder:
We're gonna come out of this war rich!

Yossarian:
You're gonna come out rich. We're gonna come out dead.

Yossarian:
He was very old.

Luciana:
But he was a boy.

Yossarian:
Well, he died. You don't get any older than that.

Old man in whorehouse:
You see, Italy is a very poor, weak country and that is what makes us so strong, strong enough to survive this war and still be in existence, long after your country has been destroyed.

Capt. Nately:
What are you talking about? America is not going to be destroyed.

Old man in whorehouse:
Never?

Capt. Nately:
Well...

Old man in whorehouse:
Rome was destroyed. Greece was destroyed. Persia was destroyed. Spain was destroyed. All great countries are destroyed. Why not yours? How much longer do you think your country will last? Forever?

Capt. Nately:
Well, forever is a long time.

Old man in whorehouse:
Very long.

Capt. Nately:
Don't you have any principles?

Old man in whorehouse:
Of course not!

Capt. Nately:
No morality?

Old man in whorehouse:
I'm a very moral man, and Italy is a very moral country. That's why we will certainly come out on top again if we succeed in being defeated.

Capt. Nately:
You talk like a madman.

Old man in whorehouse:
But I live like a sane one. I was a fascist when Mussolini was on top. Now that he has been deposed, I am anti-fascist. When the Germans were here, I was fanatically pro-German. Now I'm fanatically pro-American. You'll find no more loyal partisan in all of Italy than myself.

Capt. Nately:
You're a shameful opportunist! What you don't understand is that it's better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.

Old man in whorehouse:
You have it backwards. It's better to live on your feet than to die on your knees. I know.

Capt. Nately:
How do you know?

Old man in whorehouse:
Because I am 107-years-old. How old are you?

Capt. Nately:
I'll be 20 in January.

Old man in whorehouse (with pity):
If you live.

Doc Daneeka:
You're wasting your time

Yossarian:
Can't you ground someone who's crazy?

Doc Daneeka:
Oh, sure. I have to. There's a rule saying I have to ground anyone who's crazy.

Yossarian:
Then why don't you ground me? I'm crazy. Ask Clevinger.

Doc Daneeka:
Clevinger? Where is Clevinger? You find Clevinger and I'll ask him.

Yossarian:
Then ask any of the others. They'll tell you how crazy I am.

Doc Daneeka:
They're crazy

Yossarian:
Then why don't you ground them?

Doc Daneeka:
Why don't they ask me to ground them?

Yossarian:
Because they're crazy, that's why.

Doc Daneeka:
Of course they're crazy, I just told you they're crazy, didn't I? And you can't let crazy people decide if they crazy or not.

Yossarian:
Is Orr crazy?

Doc Daneeka:
He sure is.

Yossarian:
Can you ground him?

Doc Daneeka:
I sure can. But first he has to ask me to. That's part of the rule.

Yossarian:
Then why doesn't he ask you to?

Doc Daneeka:
Because he's crazy, He has to be crazy to keep flying combat missions after all the close calls he's had. Sure, I can ground Orr. But first he has to ask me to.

Yossarian:
That's all he has to do to be grounded?

Doc Daneeka:
That's all. Let him ask me.

Yossarian:
And then you can ground him?

Doc Daneeka:
No. Then I cannot ground him. (Yossarian cries out in frustration) See, there's a catch, Catch-22. Anyone who wants to get out of combat duty isn't really crazy.

Yossarian:
That's some catch, that Catch-22.

Doc Daneeka:
It's the best there is.

1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder:
Yossarian, I want you to do something for me. [removes item from small bag] I want to serve this to the men. Taste it and let me know what you think.

[Yossarian takes a bite]

Yossarian:
What is it?

1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder:
Chocolate-covered cotton.

Yossarian:
What are you, crazy?

1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder:
No good, huh?

Yossarian:
For Christ's sake, you didn't even take the seeds out!

1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder:
Is it really that bad?

Yossarian:
It's cotton!

1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder:
They've got to learn to like it!

Yossarian:
Why?

1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder:
Look, I saw this great opportunity to corner the market in Egyptian cotton. How was I supposed to know there was going to be a glut? I've got a hundred warehouses stacked with the stuff all over the European theater. I can't get rid of a penny's worth. People eat cotton candy, don't they? Well this stuff is better - it's made out of real cotton.

Yossarian:
Milo, people can't eat cotton!

1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder:
They've got to - it's for the Syndicate!

Yossarian:
It will make them sick! - why don't you try it yourself if you don't believe me?

1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder:
I did - and it made me sick.

Maj. Major Major Major:
Sergeant, from now on, I don't want anyone to come in and see me while I'm in my office. Is that clear?

First Sgt. Towser:
Yes, sir. What do I say to people who want to come in and see you while you're in your office?

Maj. Major Major Major:
Tell them I'm in and ask them to wait.

First Sgt. Towser:
For how long?

Maj. Major Major Major:
Until I've left.

First Sgt. Towser:
And then what do I do with them?

Maj. Major Major Major:
I don't care.

First Sgt. Towser:
May I send people in to see you after you've left?

Maj. Major Major Major:
Yes.

First Sgt. Towser:
You won't be here then, will you?

Maj. Major Major Major:
No.

First Sgt. Towser:
I see, sir. Will that be all?

Maj. Major Major Major:
Also, Sergeant, I don't want you coming in while I'm in my office asking me if there's anything you can do for me. Is that clear?

First Sgt. Towser:
Yes, sir. When should I come in your office and ask if there's anything I can do for you?

Maj. Major Major Major:
When I'm not there.

First Sgt. Towser:
What do I do then?

Maj. Major Major Major:
Whatever has to be done.

First Sgt. Towser:
Yes, sir.

Maj. Major Major Major:
Is something wrong?

Tappman:
No, no. I... just thought I saw something.

Maj. Major Major Major:
A naked man in a tree?

Tappman:
Yes, that's it.

Danby:
[looking through binoculars] That's just Yossarian.

Colonel Cathcart:
[as the base is being bombed in an air raid] What are you doing, Yossarian! Get off the field!

[Yossarian fires a Colt .45 at him, but it clicks, empty]

Colonel Cathcart:
I wanna' see you later. You're confined to the base. I won't forget this!

Yossarian:
I don't think the Air Force is gonna' forget about this!

Colonel Cathcart:
Don't be ridiculous! What's good for M&M Enterprises is good for the Air Force! We had to get rid of that cotton. The Germans promised to take it off our hands, if we ran this mission for them! It's all part of the deal!

Lt. Col. Korn, XO:
[loud bomb explosion is heard] There goes the Officer's Club!

Yossarian:
You made a deal with the Germans to bomb our own base?

Colonel Cathcart:
A contract is a contract! That's what we're fighting for!

[Yossarian leaps out of the hospital window, fleeing the base.]

Danby:
Yossarian!

Yossarian:
I can do it, Danby!

Tappman:
They'll catch you, they'll bring you back!

Yossarian:
I can do it!

Danby:
This is insane!

Yossarian:
I can do it!

Tappman:
What about your clothes?

Yossarian:
They'll never recognize me without my uniform!

Danby:
You'll be on the run with no friends! You'll live in constant danger of betrayal!

Yossarian:
[laughs] I live that way now.

Danby:
Yossarian, for God's sake, hurry up!

Yossarian:
So long, Chaplain!

Tappman:
How do you feel, Yossarian?

Yossarian:
Fine... because I'm scared to death.

Danby:
You'll have to keep on your toes every minute.

Yossarian:
I'll keep on my toes.

Tappman:
You'll have to jump.

Yossarian:
I'll jump.

Tappman:
JUMP!

[Yossarian jumps over a ditch and runs to the sea while inflating a life raft. He leaps into the sea, paddling furiously, and is gone]

Major Danby:
Weather conditions have improved tremendously over the mainland, so you won't have any trouble at all seeing the target. Of course, we mustn't forget, that means that they won't have any trouble at all seeing you.