Chappelle's Show

Ice T:
And the winner of playa-hater of the year is... Silky John-ston.

[applause]

Pit Bull:
Kiss my ass! Kiss my ass! I'm the biggest hater!

Intervention Counselor:
Harold, what time did you tell him to be here?

Harold:
5:00. But he's always late.

Rhonda:
Oh, he'll be here. In 3, 2, 1...

Tyrone Biggums:
[bursts inside room] Is this the 5:00 Free Crack Giveaway?

Clayton Bigsby:
Then Jasper said "Look here, n*gger, if anyone's gonna have sex with my sister, it's gonna be *me*."

Tron:
Hey, it's white boy, ok who ordered the pizza. Hey white boy find the square root of this room.

[ask a Gay Dude segment]

person on street:
Yo, is gettin' oral sex from a man better than gettin' oral sex from a woman?

Mario Cantone:
Pfff, how the f*** would I know? Next question. [pause] IT'S BETTER!

Tyrone Biggums:
Remember what the Bible says: He who is without sin, cast the first rock. And I shall smoketh it.

[from the "Ask A Gay Dude" segment]

Rapper:
What the f*** is up with the rainbow? I'm not feelin' the rainbow!

Mario Cantone:
I'll put a band-aid on your face and make you my Nelly.

Tron:
America wanna see me live, not work. Look at this America, look at how Tron is livin' in the city. [holding up a wad of bills]

Phaze 2:
Yo, go in there and get me a Philly blunt son.

Tron:
And a banana Cognac, biotch.

Tyrone Biggums:
Why do you think I carjacked you, Rhonda?

Rhonda:
'Cause the cops found you in it three hours later asleep, high on crack!

Tyrone Biggums:
That's impossible, Rhonda. How can you sleep when you're high on crack? Chinese riddle for you.

[speaking to elementary school class]

Tyrone Biggums:
Drugs is all around you kids. Look at that magic marker cap. What the hell you think that is, some kind of crayon? Take it off and sniff it and get high.

Tyrone Biggums:
...and that, kids, was the first time I sucked a dick for crack.

Dave Chappelle:
Knock-knock...

Audience:
Who's there?

Dave Chappelle:
Some skits, biotch.

[Clayton Bigsby's truck pulls up next to a group of white kids listening to rap]

Clayton Bigsby:
Hey, n*ggers! Turn that jungle music down! Woogie boogie, n*gger! Woogie boogie!

Hip-Hop Fan:
Did he just call us n*ggers?... AWESOME!

Chad:
Be careful if you ever get a sleeper hold. The next day your anus will really hurt.

Tron:
Night. Night. Keep yo butthole tight.

Dave Chappelle:
It's not HBO. It's regular ass TV.

Tyrone Biggums:
You know what dog food tastes like? Do you? It tastes just like it smells... delicious.

Tyrone Biggums:
[hands full of money] Crack, here I come.

News Reporter:
What about people who say you're only interested in the Middle East for oil?

President Black Bush:
What? Huh? Oil? Who said somethin' bout oil, b*tch. You cookin? Oil? Man, I don't know what... [knocks over water pitcher] Come on, y'all! Get out of here!

Dave Chappelle:
Ever since I've been doing this show a lot of rappers have been offering me to be in their videos. Which is nice but they get me to do stupid stuff. Like, whadda got to do, Snoop?

Dave Chappelle:
[imitating Snoop Dogg] Okay, here it is, Dave. It's a club scene and like you is dancing and then you slip on a banana peel and land in some doo-doo. Splat. Then you rollin' around got doo-doo all over you and then here I come with my gatas', my now an' lata' gata's, steps over and then you see me walk off in slow-motion.

Dave Chappelle:
And I'm like, "Hold up nigga! Why can't I be the one in slow-motion? I'm tired of being the one in the doo-doo!"

Black Gallagher:
Hope you all like my outfit. The queer guys came by and had an eye for me.

Dave Chappelle:
F*** Nick Cannon! Dave Chappelle!

Chappelle's Kid:
He's 'ilarious.

Dave Chappelle:
You know what you're acting like a little b*tch!

Dave Chappelle:
[on the phone with a director] Who got the part? Chris Tucker? Sh*t! Who got the other part? Tell me man. Jackie Chan? That mother f***er can't even speak English!

Rick James:
Now, Darkness, the tables are turned.

Rick James:
[to his bodyguards] Do with him whatever you like.

Charlie Murphy:
Motherf***ers take one more step, I'm kicking this nigga out the motherf***ing window.

Rick James:
Cubbie, freeze!

Charlie Murphy:
You know you was wrong for what you did to me earlier. Look what you did to my face!

[soft piano music playing... ]

Rick James:
I'm sorry, Charlie Murphy, it was an accident. I was having too much fun. I offer you a truce. The stickiest of the icky. You want to smoke with the old boy Rick James?

Charlie Murphy:
Yo, man, my forehead is bumpin', man.

Rick James:
Now that you mention it, I think I'm bleeding inside my chest. But I got the medicine.

Rick James:
B*tches... Come over here and have sex with Charlie Murphy.

Rick James:
I'm Rick James, b*tch.

[Rick claps twice]

Dave Chappelle:
Flip-i-tee flack! Flip-i-tee floke! Here come some jokes!

Rick James:
I'm Rick James, b*tch!

Charlie Murphy:
I knew what hotel he was stayin' at. I told my boys I'd catch up with them later. So I shot over to the hotel, went up to his room...

[Cuts to Rick James sitting on a dresser talking to himself]

Rick James:
So then... he comes in there and I says, "Listen, b*tch, I'm Rick James."

Charlie Murphy:
Eddie and everybody else thought that that was the funniest sh*t. And that threw me in a weird space cause I'm like, "Yo, this is Rick James and he's a star. Maybe I'm overreacting." I actually went there like, "Maybe I shouldn't do nothing." But my ghetto side was going, "Yo, stomp this motherf***er out right here. What the f*** is wrong with him?"

Rick James:
I'm Rick James, b*tch. Enjoy yourself.

Dave Chappelle:
I'm Dave Chappelle, and I like internet porn.

Businessman:
I'll have a Samuel Jackson.

Samuel Jackson:
[shouts] Good motherf***ing choice, motherf***er! Samuel Jackson! Made painstakingly by me, Samuel L. Jackson! It'll get ya drunk! You'll be f***ing fat girls in no time! You might even fight a nigga or two! Mmmm-mmm, b*tch!

[Jackson walks up to the businessman]

Samuel Jackson:
[shouts] How's it taste, motherf***er?

Businessman:
Could you please stop yelling at me?

Samuel Jackson:
[shouts] No, I can't stop yelling, 'cause that's how I talk! Haven't you seen my movies? "Juice" That was a good one! "Deep Blue Sea" They ate me! A motherf***ing shark ate me! Drink up, b*tch!

[breaking news report following the distribution of slavery reparations]

News Reporter:
So, what do you plan to spend your money on.

Tron:
[In fake, quivering voice] I'm going to re-invest it in the community.

News Reporter:
Well, that's...

[cut off]

Tron:
Psyche. I'm gonna spend it before y'all honkies change yo minds.

Mace "Sam Jackson" Windau:
[during press conference talking about Jedi's raping their students] I would just like to say that this counsil will have zero tolerance for any sexual deviency regarding our Jedi knights!

Reporter:
Mace, do you feel that the Jedi's that have commited this crime deserve to die?

Mace "Sam Jackson" Windau:
Yes, they deserve to die! And I hope they burn in hell!

[one white man has been forced to live with five crazy black people]

Chad:
Tyree, you stabbed my dad! And you had sex with Katie.

Tyree:
Hey man, you got that all wrong. I ain't had sex with Katie. Lysol had sex with Katie. I just filmed it.

Katie:
No, Tyree, you had sex with me too.

Tyree:
Correction: I had sex with Katie.

Chad:
Hi, I'm Chad, your new roommate.

Tyree:
Well, looky here, "Chad." For the entire period you in my room, I better not catch you standing up peeing. You sit down when you pee, you got that? Now get your fat ass on outta here.

Tyree:
My name is Tyree, and yeah, I went to prison!

Tyree:
Man, can you hold it down? I'm tryin' to make love over here!

Real Rick James:
Could you imagine two grown men doing this? Cocaine's a hell of a drug.

Rick James:
I'm one of the baddest motherf***ers of all time, one of the best singers and one of the best looking motherf***ers you've ever seen. Hold my drink, b*tch.

Tiger Woods:
So long fried rice, hello fried chicken. I love you Dad!

Tiger Woods:
I always wanted to say this... fa-shizzle.

Rick James:
[as Charlie and Eddie Murphy beat up on his legs] YOU DARKNESS, YOU BLACK - LATE NIGHT - EVIL MOTHAF***AS - BLACK MAGIC, DARKNESS! YOU RAW... DARKNESS... YOU... DELIRIOUS... MOTHAF***AS. YOU WAS COLD AS ICE.

Charlie Murphy:
[narrating] But still, after taking a beating like that, Rick's like...

Rick James:
F*** yo couch, nigga.

[after two women had showed him their breasts]

Rick James:
I wish I had more hands, so I could give those titties four thumbs down!

Rick James:
They shoulda never gave you niggas money.

Real Rick James:
See, I never just did things just to do them. Come on, what am I gonna do? Just all of a sudden jump up and grind my feet on somebody's couch like it's something to do? Come on. I got a little more sense then that.

[pause]

Real Rick James:
Yeah, I remember grinding my feet on Eddie's couch.

Prince:
Game... blouses.

Charlie Murphy:
My brother, he's a lot more compassionate than I am, you know. We were looking at Rick getting in the limo, and as it drove off, Eddie says, "Man... Rick really needs help". I was like, "Hey man, we just gave him some help. We busted his motha f***in' legs. I bet he won't come back and disrespect again." WRONG, WRONG... We're talkin' bout Rick James, man.

Charlie Murphy:
The first thing I seen is O.J. Simpson, and I remember thinking to myself 'wow, that's O.J. Simpson, he has a big f***ing head, man'

Rick James:
That was 'cold-blooded'!

Charlie Murphy:
Things like escalated to the point where, you know, my man got too familiar and I ended up having to whip his ass man, you know, cause you know, he would step across the line. Habitually. He's a habitual line stepper.

Rick James:
B*tches! Come over here and show Charlie Murphy yo titties!

[women lift up their shirts]

Rick James:
The milks gone bad!

[Paul Mooney predicts the future as "Negrodamus"]

Audience Member:
Negrodamus, will Arsenio Hall ever have a show again?

Negrodamus:
Yes. Arsenio Hall will have a new show called "Good Morning, Black America". It will be played at noon throughout the country.

[singing]

Tron:
There are! I say there are so many amendments in the constitution of the United States of Americaaaa! I can only choose one! I can only choose ooooooone! I plead the fif! I plead the fif! FIVE! 1,2,3,4, fiiiif! Anything you say! FIIIF! Go ahead and ask me a question!

Senator:
How do...

Tron:
Fif! I like to show all of you a secret document!

[pulls out a piece of paper saying "FiF"]

Tron:
Fiiiiiiiiiiiiif!

[after Rick James has slapped him for no particular reason]

Charlie Murphy:
I'm standing there I'm thinking, "This nigga really has lost his f***ing mind." First of all, you don't slap a man. Ok. I mean, even when slapping was fashionable, ya know, they did it in Paris, some guy would come up, "I challenge you to a duel." They would have a gunfight after that, somebody had to go!

[at the Player Haters Ball]

Silky Johnston:
I'm very upset about what you said about my coat. I made it outta your mother's pubic hair.

[announcing the nominees for "Player Hater of the Year"]

Ice T:
The nominees are... Buck Nasty. Buck Nasty is nominated for getting his best friend's girlfriend pregnant, then tricking his best friend into raising the little motherf***er. The next nominee is... Pit Bull. Pit Bull is nominated for calling the cops on his drug-dealing neighbors, not because it was the right thing to do, but just 'cause he was jealous of all the money they was makin'. And the final nominee is... Silky Johnston. Silky Johnston is nominated for calling in a bomb threat at the Special Olympics.

Dave Chappelle:
Skeet Skeet Skeet!

Dave Chappelle:
There's times to be real, and there's times to be phony. That's right, I said it, phony! You think I'm this nice in real life? F*** that, son! That's just 'cause I'm on TV. I'd pull my balls out right now... skeet skeet skeet skeet!

[Tron having dinner with police after turning self in]

Police Commisioner:
Now, you are a cocaine dealer, but you've done a lot of good for the community.

Tron:
I know. When it's Thanksgiving, I be passin' around turkeys like Nino Brown, baby!

Police Commisioner:
Of course!

Tron:
[dignified] But may I ask you gentleman, when I'm acquitted, can I continue to channel rocks throughout my community?

Police Commisioner:
[holding up tape recorder, non-sincerely] Ab-sol-ute-ly not!

Police Commisioner:
[winks]

Tron:
[sarcastically] Oh, yeah, sellin' rocks would be bad.

[playing at the World Series of Dice]

Leonard Washington:
My name's Leonard Washington. Where I'm from? A little town called None Of Your Goddamn Business.

Quills:
[screaming] All right, nigga! Get butt naked right now!

Leonard Washington:
[calm] First of all, I think y'better watch your tone son. I'm Leonard Washington. I don't get butt naked for nobody.

[holds up wad of money]

Leonard Washington:
You want this roll, nigga? You gonna have to shoot me for it.

Quills:
OK

[shoots him in the knee, takes the money]

Leonard Washington:
GOD DAMN, NIGGA! WHAT THE HELL WRONG WITH YOU! THAT'S WHY BLACK PEOPLE CAN'T HAVE ANYTHING! YOUR MAMA AIN'T SH*T!

Vernon:
THUG LIFE! You think this a game, nigga! Arf! Arf! WU-TANG!

[after Grits 'n' Gravy rolls two sevens in a row]

Leonard Washington:
You tha' goddamn devil.

[as he's leaving]

Grits 'n Gravy:
When I leave, close together like butt cheeks.

[in "Trading Spouses," Leonard Washington lives with a white family]

[rap music is blaring]

Leonard Washington:
Hey! What the hell you listening to?

White Kid:
It's the new 50 Cent. Man, I'm from the streets! G-G-G G-G-G G-Unit!

Leonard Washington:
Come on... get in the car. G-G-G G-G-G Get your ass in the car!

Charlie Murphy:
Well, I gotta admit... Um... It was a good game.

Prince:
I wish I could say the same for you and your crew of flunkies. You guys want some grapes?... B*tches.

Dave Chappelle:
Who? Who's Nick Cannon?

Chappelle's Kid:
Daddy, [with huge grin on face] Nick Cannon's 'ilarious.

Dave Chappelle:
Man, f*** you son! I'm glad you think he's so gaddamn hilarious because he just walked off with your school clothes money. It's, isn't it? I'm broke nigga, I'm broke!

[Darius' grandmother catches him masturbating in the bathroom]

Darius:
Granny, don't!

Darius' Grandma:
Well, hurry the hell up, Darius! Unlike you, I'm getting a little action tonight, you bunk b*tch.

Chris:
Hey Tanisha, it was good seeing you.

Darius:
"Good seeing you?" Good seeing you? That's my girl, nigga! I keep it real!

[Darius is watching his grandma making out]

Darius' Grandma:
Darius, you big dummy... This ain't no show and tell... Take a walk.

Old Man:
Yeah, and get some rubbers!

Darius' Grandma:
Get the big ones.

Old Man:
F***ing right!

[during a basketball game with Prince]

Charlie Murphy:
Hey Prince, you got a towel? It's kinda hot in here.

Prince:
Why don't you purify yourself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka?

Arsenio Hall:
This is some good ass cheese!

Silky Johnson:
That was Beautiful. On the weekends, Beautiful does stunts for Little Richard in gay movies.

Clayton Bigsby:
Let's talk about Chinese people! With their kung-fu and their silly chang-chang-chong talk! We can't understand you! Go back to yer country! White power!

[while looking at a picture of the Osbournes]

Silky Johnson:
I like the girl's song "Papa Don't Preach". I got a new song for ya, b*tch. It's called "Daughter Don't Sang".

Silky Johnson:
I like the song the girl sings, "Papa Don't Preach". I got a song for you too, B*tch. It's called, "Daughter Don't Sing".

[thinking]

Dave Chappelle:
Bicycle. Monkey. Ashy Larry.

[P. Diddy hosts "Making the Band"]

P. Diddy:
All right, you guys ain't working as a team. I'm gonna have to shut down the studio. The only way I'll reopen the studio is if you go up to the Bronx, and get me some breast milk from a Cambodian immigrant.

P. Diddy:
All right, I got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that I'm gonna have to shut down the studio. The good news is that I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance.

Silky Johnson:
[referring to Rosie O'Donnell] Now that man I'd hate to fight. Cause she wears underwear with dick-holes in 'em.

[Dave is visiting "The Internet"]

Ron Jeremy:
Are you sure you don't wanna see me have sex? I do a great doggy style.

Dave Chappelle:
Yeah, I know, Ron! I got my stroke from you! Thank you, Obi-Wan!

Prosecutor:
Mr. Chappelle, what would it take to convince you that R. Kelly is guilty?

Dave Chappelle:
Okay, I'd have to see a video of him singing "Pee On You," two forms of government ID, a police officer there to verify the whole thing, four or five of my buddies and Neal taking notes, and R. Kelly's grandma to confirm his identity.

R. Kelly's Grandma:
That's my Robert, always peeing on people.

[seeing Silky Johnson sporting a fancy suit and cane at the Player Haters Ball]

Buck Nasty:
Man, you should take that cane, and beat whoever made that suit to death.

[the Haters are time traveling]

Silky Johnson:
Reach for the sky, honky!

Slave Master:
Honky?

Silky Johnson:
"Honky" is a racial epithet. It was made popular in the 1970s by a man named George Jefferson. You see, he and his wife owned a dry-cleaning business, so they moved on up to the east side, to a deluxe apartment in the sky. They finally got a piece of the pie.

Silky Johnson:
We are the Time-Haters. We've traveled back in time... to call ya a cracker.

Dave Chappelle:
You see, I think beer just brings out the animal in ya. Now, I know that beer companies sponsor the show - I ain't talking about them. *Them* shits is delicious.

[after the making fun of the WB frog]

Dave Chappelle:
Man! F*** that frog!

Silky Johnston:
What can I say about that suit that hasn't already been said about Afghanistan; It looks bombed out and depleted.

Wayne Brady:
Is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a b*tch?

Wayne Brady:
[after one of his prostitutes only gives him $100] Is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a b*tch?

Tron:
Hot hand in a dice game, baby. Talkin' 'bout clickity-clickity-clack!

Big Al:
Kiss the rings, b*tch. I'm out.

Wayne Brady:
I'm Wayne Brady, b*tch!

[holding a machine gun out his car window]

Wayne Brady:
Brace yourself, nigga!

Man on Street:
Oh sh*t, it's Wayne Brady!

[Wayne Brady proceeds to blast man with AK47]

Wayne Brady:
Riverside, mothaf***a!

Charlie Murphy:
I mean, you know where you got that shirt. And it damn sure wasn't the men's department.

Charlie Murphy:
[when Prince challenges them to basketball] We can call it the shirts vs the blouses. [Prince looks on the verge of tears] I don't know what he was crying about. He knew where he got that shirt and it certainly wasn't in the men's department

Silky Johnston:
Rosie O'Donnel. She wears underwear with dick holes.

Sheila:
[after "It's A Wonderful Life" style sketch] Are you an angel?

'The Angel':
Me? An angel? I'm the janitor [puts on uniform]

Sheila:
But... How did you show me all those things?

'The Angel':
Girl, I am high on PCP! I was wondering how you were following me. You smoke sherm?

Sheila:
Come on, who are you really?

'The Angel':
Lady, I'm just a nigga that loves titties.

Wayne Brady:
Dave, I did't know that you liked to get wet [Dave looks at him puzzled] That's PCP, angel dust, Sherman Helmsley, love boat, ashy larry.

Prince:
[calling basketball plays] Computer Blue.

Charlie Murphy:
But that showed me never judge a book by it's cover. Prince could really ball!

Wayne Brady:
[introducing his prostitutes] Hoes, Dave. Dave, hoes.

Dave Chappelle:
Good evening, b*tches.

Ice T:
Next one of you muthaf***as talk when I talk is getting shot.

Prosecutor:
So, you don't think Michael Jackson is guilty?

Dave Chappelle:
No, man. He made "Thriller". [pause] Thriller.

Audience Member:
Negrodamus, why do white people like Wayne Brady so much?

Negrodamus:
White people like Wayne Brady because he makes Brian Gumbel look like Malcolm X.

Paul Mooney:
White people like Wayne Brady because he makes Bryant Gumbel look like Malcolm X.

Slave Master:
You'd better watch your mouth!

Buck Nasty:
Yo, you'd better watch your's, white boy, before I shove these 'gators up your ass and show your insides some style.

[sportscasters covering the Racial Draft]

Robert Petkoff:
The blacks have won the coin toss, so they get to go first.

Dave Chappelle:
Wow, that's the first lottery a black person's won in a long time.

Bill Burr:
Yes, and they'll probably still complain. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Dave Chappelle:
heh heh - man, f*** you.

Bill Burr:
You know, I have to admit, I saw this robbery coming from a mile away, which is why I put my car keys up my ass.

[after Dylan attempted to choke Wyclef Jean]

P. Diddy:
If I had my way, I'd never work. I'd just stay home all day, watch Scarface 50 times, eat a turkey sandwich, and have sex all f***ing day. Then I'd dress up like a clown, and surprise kids at schools. Then I'd take a dump in the back of a movie theater, and just wait until somebody sat in it. Hear it squish. That's funny to me. Then I'd paint, and read, and play violin. I'd climb the mountains, and sing the songs that I like to sing. But I don't got that kinda time.

P. Diddy:
What are you doing, Ness? You just gonna do your taxes right now? Is that hot? Is that what's going down in the streets?

[referring to a joke made by Paul Mooney in an earlier episode]

Wayne Brady:
I make Bryant Gumbel look like Malcolm X, huh motherf***er?

Dave Chappelle:
That was MOONEY!

Audience Member:
Negrodamus, why is President Bush convinced there are weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?

Negrodamus:
Because he has the receipt.

[on "Making the Band"]

Dylan:
I mean, who are da five greatest rappers of all time?

[counting on his fingers]

Dylan:
Dylan... Dylan... Dylan, Dylan, and Dylan.

Dave Chappelle:
[just been dumped by Oprah] Steadman... We're gonna get this b*tch!

[Dave and Steadman laugh]

[Dave punches Steadman]

Dave Chappelle:
HAHAHAHAHA! OOPPRRAAHH! [echoing]

Wayne Brady:
[after shooting a guy outside a club] RIVERSIDE, MOTHA F***A!

Rick James:
DRINK UP, BE MERRY! Welcome to the China Club - A-CHUNGA-CHUNG-KUNG-A-CHINGA-KUNG-KAW-CHING!

Rick James:
CHARLIE MURPHY! What's happening, partner! DARKNESS, EVERYONE, DARKNESS! HEY EVERYBODY, DARKNESS IS SPREADING!

Charlie Murphy:
Because of my complexion, he use to call me Darkness. He calls me and brother Darkness. The Darkness Brothers. See, this is long before Wesley Snipes. Back then... we was the blackest niggas on the planet according to Rick James.

President Black Bush:
Write this down. M.A.R.S. That's right! Mars, b*tches!

[talking about invading Iraq]

President Black Bush:
He tried to kill my father, man. I don't play that sh*t.

Black Vice President:
Say word he tried to kill your father, son.

President Black Bush:
THAT NIGGA TRIED TO KILL MY FATHA!

Prosecutor:
Are you aware that Robert Blake has been accused of murdering his wife?

Dave Chappelle:
Oh yeah. Baretta did that sh*t.

Charlie Murphy:
[referring to the Prince basketball game] That cat could ball, man.

[from the Charlie Murphy/Prince "True Hollywood" story]

Neal Brennan:
What happened next after the game?

Charlie Murphy:
He took us back inside and made us pancakes.

[shot of Dave as Prince serving pancakes]

Charlie Murphy:
[pause, dead serious] Pancakes.

Prince:
[serving pancakes] Nice game, b*tches.

[after Dave convinces him not to kill one of his prostitutes]

Wayne Brady:
You'd better thank Dave Chappelle. Go ahead, thank him.

Hooker:
Thank you, Dave. I like your show.

Dave Chappelle:
RUN B*TCH! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, GET SOME HELP!

[Wayne Brady takes Dave on a shooting spree]

Dave Chappelle:
You just shot people, Wayne! Those were *people* you shot!

Kent Wallace:
In the past few weeks, Clayton Bigsby accepted the fact that he is a black man. And three days ago, he filed for divorce from his wife. When we asked "Why after 19 years of marriage?" He responded, "Because she's a n*gger lover."

[Black people receive reparations for slavery]

Reporter:
Sir, now that you've got your check do you plan on quitting your job driving this truck?

Man In Truck:
Truck driver? I ain't no truck driver. I'm a janitor. That's right, baby, I just bought this truck straight cash. I got cigarettes for me and my family the rest of our lives! I'M RICH, BIATCH!

[honks horn]

Man In Truck:
[said at the end of every show] I'M RICH BIATCH!

Dylan:
[to Wyclef] You too close, mon!

[starts choking Wyclef]

[jury selection for the Michael Jackson trial]

Prosecutor:
You know, he's been accused of this before.

Dave Chappelle:
So? Some people say the cucumbers taste better pickled.

Prosecutor:
What?

Dave Chappelle:
Huh?

Prosecutor:
What?

Dave Chappelle:
Huh?

Dave Chappelle:
Look, man, look. Michael Jackson has many faces - none of them look guilty to me. You gotta look in the eyes, not the noses.

Prosecutor:
He's been accused of this more than once.

Dave Chappelle:
So? Some people say that cucumbers taste better pickled.

Prosecutor:
What?

Dave Chappelle:
Huh?

Prosecutor:
What?

Dave Chappelle:
Huh?

Real Rick James:
I must be losin' my mind. Reminiscing about Charlie Murphy come kickin' my ass. Ain't that a b.

Prosecutor:
What if I told you that the accusers correctly described Michael's penis to investigators?

Dave Chappelle:
Sir, I have never seen Michael's alleged penis, but I bet you that I can describe it all right? Let me guess... there's a head, a shaft, some balls, hair - maybe pressed, permed hair, with glitter sprinkled on it.

Prosecutor:
That's correct.

Dave Chappelle:
Whoa... how'd I know? Come on dude, I couldn't pick my own penis out of a line up, all right? And me and penis is like this, son.

President Black Bush:
I didn't want to say this. The motherf***er bought yellow cake. All right! From Africa. He went to Africa and bought some yellow cake.

News Reporter:
Are you sure?

President Black Bush:
Yes! I'm sure, b*tch!

[R. Kelly jury selection hearing]

Dave Chappelle:
Listen, lady, the burden of proof is on the state. [shouts] On the State! You have got to prove - *to me* - beyond a reasonable doubt whether or not this man is a pisser.

Prosecutor:
Aren't your doubts unreasonable?

Dave Chappelle:
No, it's not unreasonable. We're talking about a justice system that had 500 people whose cases were overturned by DNA evidence. I seen a tape where five cops beat up a nigga and they said that they had a reasonable doubt. I got my doubts too! All right? How come they never found Biggie and Tupac's murderers, but they could arrest O.J. the next day. Nicole Simpson can't rap!

[pounds hand on witness stand]

Dave Chappelle:
[shouts] I want justice! You're out of order, Miss!

[grabs judge's gavel and begins to pound]

Dave Chappelle:
[shouts] This whole goddamn court is out of order. Everybody!

Prosecutor:
[after whispering to her partner] Mr. Chappelle, you're dismissed.

Dave Chappelle:
[pees on prosecutors while seated at the witness stand] And that's from the heart!

Tron:
Katie has some big ass tit-tays!

Silky Johnston:
[while looking at a picture of P. Diddy] He looks like Malcolm X before he converted to Islam.

Dave Chappelle:
[from the announcer's booth after Tiger Woods' acceptance speech after he was picked by the black race during the Racial Draft] I've just received word that Tiger has lost all his endorsements. Nike, Wheaties, Amex, Tag Heuer, the whole shebang-a-bang. Well, tough break, nigga. There's always FUBU.

Real Lil' Jon:
[while talking on the phone] Whaat?

Lil' Jon:
It's me.

Real Lil' Jon:
Whaat?

Lil' Jon:
It's me. Lil' Jon.

Real Lil' Jon:
Okaaayyy!

Man with Messed Up Teeth:
How come us black people smoke so much weed?

Paul Mooney:
I got a question for you, nigga. What happened to your teeth?

President Black Bush:
[about the Coalition of the Willing] England... Japan's sending Playstations... Stankonia said they are willing to drop bombs over Baghdad... Rickidy Raw is coming... Afrika Bambaataa and the Zulu Nation.

News Reporter:
[during press conference about Jedi's raping their students] Was that you in that video?

Yoda:
Yoda that was not!

News Reporter:
Then who was it?

Yoda:
Mickey Rooney, maybe? OVER THIS INTERVIEW IS!

[Yoda disappears into a puff of smoke]

Arsenio Hall:
Why didn't you tell me how good the cheese was?

[while robbing a bank on his cancelled TV show "Zapped!"]

Dave Chappelle:
I eat cottage cheese for dinner! That's right! With salt and pepper!

[while Ice-T is about to reveal the player hater of the year]

Beautiful:
He looks like a broke-ass Ice-T!

[while beating up Hitler]

Beautiful:
Hitler's momma got one big titty and one little titty. They call the b*tch 'Biggie Smalls'!

Rapper:
I battle any sex or any race / You beating me is like Billy Crystal playin Scarface / I can't see it, I'm blind to the eyes / I came up in your face - oops, pow, surprise! Oooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Brenda Johnson:
I don't like people playin' on my phone!

Dave Chappelle:
R. Kelly was pissed. No punchline to that. Nigga was pissed. He was all, "How could you go and make a video about peeing on someone?" Nigga, how could YOU go making a video about peeing on somebody?

[while drinking a bottle of breast milk]

P. Diddy:
That's one hundred percent Cambodian, dawg.

Tyrone Biggums:
Harold, is anthrax bad?

Charlie Murphy:
[after being beaten by Prince in a basketball game] Challenge him, i-ight. Make sure your crew is there to witness it, cuz you just might get embarrassed.

Silky Johnston:
Now, if you'll excuse me. I'm gonna go put water in Buck Nasty's Mama's dish.

Silky Johnston:
I hate you. I hate you. I don't even know you, and I hate your guts. I hope all the bad things in life happen to you and nobody else but you.

Dave Chappelle:
Hey hey hey hey. Smoke weed every day.

[Charlie has just hit Rick after Rick slapped him for no reason]

Rick James:
Darkness, why you hit me like that?

Charlie Murphy:
You hit me!

Rick James:
Nigga, that was weeks ago!

Lil' Jon:
Affirmative. Huh? Roger! Yeah! What? Meltin' down! Aaaagh!

Real Lil' Jon:
Bye, nigga!

Gonerrhia:
Oh, hello Dave Chappelle. Haven't seen you in a while.

Dave Chappelle:
...Sick motherf***er...

Earl "The Snake" White:
Some mark ass trick just stepped on my sneaker, and poured Morton's salt all over 'em. Are ya'll ready to ride? RABBLE RABBLE! Lets ride on these fools at their own bar-b-que!

Black Gallagher:
Pink Hearts, Yellow Moons, Green Clovers, and Orange Stars - that leprechauns' on acid!

[repeated line]

Real Rick James:
Cocaine is a helluva drug.

Dave Chappelle:
Welcome back to Chappelle Show, I still haven't been canceled yet but I'm workin' on it.

Dave Chappelle:
[Dave is playing video games with a kid in the hospital and is beating him in the game Street Hoops] Tell your little friends, that dreams really do come true. Dave Chappelle came and saw you in the hospital and whooped your monkey ass at some "Street Hoops"!

Billy:
[Billy and Dave are still playing video games] Dave, can't you see I'm dying of cancer?

Dave Chappelle:
[Dave pauses the game] Billy, I'm sorry man. I was just trying to teach you a lesson! You can beat cancer but you got to be strong. I see it in you Billy, you're going to make it.

Billy:
Really?

Dave Chappelle:
Hell, no, nigga! You play like a b*tch! Hang on a second. [unpauses the game and it's game over] [shouts] Game! In your face! In your face! Feel better! [then leaves]

Billy:
Half-Baked sucked anyway!

Kent Wallace:
You've never left this property, have you, Mr. Bigsby?

Clayton Bigsby:
No, sir, not in many years.

Kent Wallace:
What if I were to tell you that you're an African American?

Clayton Bigsby:
Sir! I'm going to make this clear. I'm in no way, shape or form involved in any kind of n*ggerdom.

Kent Wallace:
[Kent Wallace and Jasper are in the gas station and Jasper is paying for gas] Sir, you're a friend. Why not tell him he's African American?

Jasper:
Listen man. He's too important to the movement. Tell him that he's black, he would probably kill himself. Just be one less n*gger around. His commitment is that deep.

Kent Wallace:
I'm overwhelmed by the irony.

Skin Head:
[four guys are outside banging on the car and Jasper runs out to the car and save Clayton from trouble] Hey, monkey! You lost, boy!

Skinhead:
Run, boy, we don't like your kind around here!

Skin Head:
You better get out of here before something bad happens.

Clayton Bigsby:
That's right! [shouts] That's right! Tell that n*gger. That dirty n*gger!

Jasper:
Come on, Clayton, we got to go.

Clayton Bigsby:
Jasper, there's n*gger around here. That damn monkey was beatin' my hood [then Clayton gets back in the car and they drive off] [shouts] White power! N*gger!

Leonard Washington:
[talking to Ashy Larry] Boy, you're drier than Kunta Kinte's ankles.

Miss Harvey:
Look at that, Calvins got a job! Hey, Calvin!

Calvin:
Hey Miss Harvey! Just got my first paycheck.

Miss Harvey:
That's good, Calvin very good!

Neighbor:
Way to go young brotha, gettin' paid, gettin' paid.

Thug #3:
Yo, I heard Calvin got a job.

Thug #1:
Man, I'm proud of him!

Thug #2:
[pulling ski mask over his face] Let's rob that nigga, man.

Tyrone Biggums:
[Tyrone is eating elk penis as part of the final challenge on Fear Factor] You know, Joe Rogan, this is not the first time I've tasted penis. I've had several! In my line of work, you taste penises all the time!

Joe Rogan:
Tyrone, are you okay?

Tyrone Biggums:
[while walking painstakingly slowly over hot coals] Hey, Joe Rogan, is it almost lunchtime 'cuz I smell somebody cookin'!

Joe Rogan:
You win, you beat Jeff's time. You advance to the next round.

Tyrone Biggums:
My feet are strong!

Dave Chappelle:
Well, kids, Dingles isn't feeling very well, so I'm taking him to the doctor.

White Kid:
What's wrong, Dingles?

Dingles:
I have what's known as a "venereal disease."

White Kid:
How did you get that, Dingles?

Dingles:
From f***in'.

Dave Chappelle:
Oh, Sally, it's not what's gotten into me, it's what's gotten into Oprah! My seed, son! Ha ha h aha! I'm *rich*, b*tch! Ha ha ha!

Car Wash Man:
You got a nice car here man.

Dave Chappelle:
Thanks. How much will that be?

Car Wash Man:
Oh, eight hundred seventy-three dollars.

Dave Chappelle:
But the sign only says five dollars.

Car Wash Man:
Thats the old price.

Dave Chappelle:
Whats you mean the old... [man shows Dave his gun] Oh come on man.

Gary Coleman:
Whats you talkin' 'bout b*tch?

Howard Dean:
I happen to know that Dick Cheney's daughter is a lesbian and not only is his daughter a lesbian but his moms a lesbian and his sisters a lesbian and his old granny has holes in her panties! Byahh! Byahh! [Cheney continues to talk while Dean interupts] Byahh Byahh! I love lesbians! Byahh! I watch The L Word on Showtime! Byahh!

Charlie Murphy:
Hey man. Wheres Dave?

Neal Brennan:
Africa.

Donnell Rawlings:
Africa?

Neal Brennan:
Yep.

Donnell Rawlings:
Oh no. I'm broke biotch! [Donnell faints but Charlie catches him]

Rick James:
[shouting at Charlie Murphy from across a bar] Darkness! Come closer, I wanna see more than just eyes and teeth!

President Black Bush:
Go sell some medicine, b*tches! I'm tryin' to get that oil- [coughs] -ohoh!

Dave Chappelle:
...Jokes and jokes and jokes and jokes.

Unknown Soldier:
[dying] I could do with some sex!

Clayton Bigsby:
WHITE POWER!

Clayton Bigsby:
Everybody, I have alot of things to discuss, mainly nigras!

Clayton Bigsby:
America's at war with Al-Qaeda!

Clayton Bigsby:
But we're still losing the war against Al Sharpton!

Kent Wallace:
The Asian community was a target as well.

Clayton Bigsby:
Let's talk about Chinese people! With their kung-fu and their silly ching-chang-chong talk! We can't understand you! Go back to yer country! White power!

Kent Wallace:
Mr. Bigsby was also critical of the entertainment industry.

Clayton Bigsby:
Don't let the liberal media tell you how to think and feel! If you have hate in your heart let it out!

Clayton Bigsby:
If you don't like "Will & Grace", don't mean there's something wrong with you! Means there's something wrong with Will; he's a homosexual!

Kent Wallace:
Politicans weren't spared either.

Clayton Bigsby:
WHITE POWER! Colin Powell... Condoleezza Rice. Condoleezza Rice, sounds like Mexican dish.

Clayton Bigsby:
Maybe we should put her on a plate and send her to Mexico so the Mexicans will eat her. White Power!

Clayton Bigsby:
The message of my books is very simple. N*ggers, Jews, Homo-sexuals, Mexican, A-rabs, and all different sorts of Chinks stink, and I hate 'em!

Kent Wallace:
In the past few weeks, Clayton Bigsby has finally accepted that he is a black man. And just three days ago, he filed for divorce from his wife. When asked why, after nineteen years of marriage, he replied, "Because she's a n*gger lover."

Dave Chappelle:
Nurse? Could you get in here? ... Billy is getting his ASS WHOPPED in Street Hoops! I need a witness!

Katie Jacobson:
You want me to light your cigarette for you too?

Leonard Washington:
You better check ya tone girl, put ya inside voice on. 'Fore I put ya ass outside!

Big Al:
You ol pastey bastard. Look at you Chuck. You look like you just walked up from ground zero.

Truck Driver:
I'm rich, b*tch!

Beautiful:
[The player haters are at a Science Fair] Furthermore, my wave machine can create enough energy to power most medium-sized homes with ease. Thank you, b*tches.

Buck Nasty:
When you said wave machine, I thought you was talkin about something that could repair that catastrophe you call a hair style.

Beautiful:
Buck Nasty, you are so dark, when you touch yourself, it's like black on black crime.

Tyrone Biggums:
Imma tell you something about me, Joe Rogan, that you might not know. I smoke rocks.

President Black Bush:
[on yellow cake] Yes I'm sure, b*tch! I got the head of the CIA here to tell you!

Black Head of CIA:
Whoo-hoo! Are you sure? Are you sure? I can't believe you motherf***ers. Ridiculous!

Some Black Dude:
Ridiculous!

Black Head of CIA:
Ridiculous! Me and Jeb just coming back from Africa...

Some Black Dude:
The cradle of f***ing civilization!

Rick James:
I'm Rick James, b*tch.

Rick James:
Charlie! There's a new joke goin' around - have you heard it? What did the five fingers say to the face?

Charlie Murphy:
[doesn't understand] What?

Rick James:
SLAP!

Rick James:
[he slaps Charlie] I'm Rick James, b*tch! Hey everybody, King Kong ain't got sh*t on me!

Paul Mooney:
[after being told "Gone With The Wind" was a great movie] You must be on crack. I don't think we seen the same movie. I thought Scarlett was a ho because she went to bed with everybody but Mammy. You know they wouldn't let Mammy go to the premiere? But everybody comes back. She came back as Oprah Winfrey to get her money.

Paul Mooney:
[reviewing "Barbershop"] You know that's just a front. They sell drugs at the barbershops.

Paul Mooney:
[reviewing "The Last Samurai"] First, they have "The Mexican" with Brad Pitt, now they have "The Last Samurai" with Tom Cruise. Well, I've written a film, maybe they'll produce my film. The Last Nigga on Earth, starring Tom Hanks. How about that?

Various:
[as Howard Dean] BYAAAAHHH!