Charmed & Dangerous

[first lines]

Penelope:
Well *now* what are we gonna do?

Olivia:
Get a job!. First, I'd like to get a hotel room. Pay for it with bucks, not sucks or f***s.

Penelope:
Yeah, well that's all we know how to do is f*** and suck.

Olivia:
Well, that's all gonna change.

Olivia:
Hey, Penny, how does this sound? [reading aloud] "Murgatroyd Getrich, resident of this area for forty-five years had a stroke and did croak."

Penelope:
Oh God, Olivia, you can't fool around with this. These people are dead. Listen. [reading aloud] "Residents of this city were shocked and saddened to learn of the sudden death of Hector Ludwin at the age of ninety-four. Mr. Ludwin had been a well-known and popular butcher in this area, and had been retired from that work for the last seventy-seven years."

Olivia:
Oh God! The guy was a bum!

Penelope:
Well it's better than, "She had a stroke and she did croak."

Penelope:
What else do you know about the president of the city council?

'Mouthful':
You better go after Braxton, first.

Penelope:
Braxton's small potatoes. We want Mr. Big.

'Mouthful':
If you aim too high, you might miss and shoot your whole wad.

'Mouthful':
You're dealing with Arabs here. Do you know what that means? Use your head.

Penelope:
I just did.

'Mouthful':
For thinking.

[last lines]

Brett Lance:
[voice on phone answering machine] Hi. This is Brett. Leave a message at the beep.

Madelyn O'Rourke:
Brett? Brett, honey, where are you? I have to talk to you. I'm so upset about this whole affair. I hope you'll forgive me. Brett? Brett!

Jimmy Olsen:
Hi. I don't believe we've met.

Olivia:
Hi. I'm Olivia.

Penelope:
Penelope.

Jimmy Olsen:
Hi. I'm Jimmy... [looking down her blouse] Tits!

Penelope:
Jimmy Titz? Such an odd name. [Olivia laughs] Is that Hungarian or something?

Jimmy Olsen:
No... I mean Olsen. Jimmy Olsen.

Olivia:
Oh, you're kidding. The next thing you know Superman is going to be comin' in.

Mr. Bronsky:
Great galloping gonads!

Mr. Bronsky:
Let me go over the basic info with you, alright? Now this Councilman Braxton, we think that he's been taking bribes from Arabian oil and real estate interests.

Penelope:
What are the bribes for?

Mr. Bronsky:
To make certain that no one but *their* relatives work in liquor stores or 7-11s.

Penelope:
It's working.

Mr. Bronsky:
You bet your sweet ass it is. Now we think that it goes all the way up to the president of the city council. [fumbles for photograph on desk] Yeah. This guy here. We figure that he's like a secret Arab terrorist. Now once they've reached their main goal of takin' over all the liquor stores, all the 7-11s, then they're going to move to their second objective...

Penelope:
Which is?

Mr. Bronsky:
[looks about to insure their conversation is private, leans in closer] Runnin' all the Denny's and Bob's Big Boys.

Penelope:
Really? I thought it would be the gas stations.

Mr. Bronsky:
No. No. That's the Pakistanis. That's another story. Okay, but their main... their main goal, the thing that they're really trying to do... they want to slowly poison all Americans with tainted piccalli. And, by the way, I'd stay away from Slurpees if I was you.

'Mouthful':
Look. Abscam was when the FBI disguised themselves as Arabs and caught these congressmen taking bribes right on video tape.

Penelope:
Well, how to we get the president and Braxton into a situation like that?

'Mouthful':
You're *sitting* on the solution.

Penelope:
[looking down at the hood of the car on which she's sitting] I am?

'Mouthful':
P*ssy. These guys have a weakness... for p*ssy.

Penelope:
I see.

'Mouthful':
Yes, but most important, so does Mrs. Braxton.

Penelope:
His wife?

'Mouthful':
Yes. I have to go now. [hurries away]

Penelope:
[to the camera] This politics business is really disgusting. I'm getting back into hooking as soon as possible.