Cheaper by the Dozen

Tom:
You soaked his underwear in meat. That is so wrong. Funny, but wrong.

Tom:
Clean up on aisle 12.

Hank:
Twelve kids... that's nuts.

Tom:
You were checking me out, weren't you?

Kate:
Yes, I was. You got a problem with that?

Tom:
Twelve kids later and we still got the heat.

Kate:
Whoo!

Kate:
Mike, you have show-and-tell today. Please honey, remember body parts do not count.

Lorraine:
For the record, I am so over Nora's hand-me-downs.

Kate:
All right. You look gorgeous in anything, Lorraine.

Tom:
I promise you. We will be a happier, stronger family.

Tina Shenk:
Is Jake your only child?

Kate:
Oh no. We have 12.

Tom:
I couldn't keep her off of me.

Kate:
Look alive.

Lorraine:
Are you sure we're going to fit in here, dad?

Charlie:
Did I mention I don't like you very much?

Tom:
Yeah, you mentioned that.

Charlie:
Then I'm good.

Hank:
It's gettin' so as I can hardly go out in public any more. I mean, really, between the autograph hounds and the paparazzi...

Kate:
Autographs and everything? I mean, just the one commercial, and you have paparazzi?

Hank:
Yeah. I've never actually seen them, but, you know, they hide in the bush and... they get their shot.

Tom:
Get my kids and meet me at my house. Ready? Break.

Mark:
Have you seen my frog dad?

Tom:
Sorry, Charlie, er, Nigel, Kyle.

Mark:
It's Mark.

Tom:
I knew that.

Jake:
Dude, two words: need new skates.

Kate:
Dude, three words: paper route.

Tom:
You have a dark gift, Sarah Baker.

Jake:
I heard you were dissing my family.

Cooper:
I don't even know your family loser.

Mike:
You do now!

Cooper:
My latte!

Nora:
Oh honey, there just welcoming you into the family.

Hank:
They set me on fire.

Nora:
Just your pants.

Lorraine:
Call me crazy Pops but things are getting pretty twisted around here.

Jake:
Without you we would not be the 12 bakers we'd be like... 11.

Jake:
Want to play catch with the football I got you?

Dylan Shenk:
My nanny'd have to check with my dad who'd have to check with my mom who'd say it was an inappropriate use of free time.

Jake:
Sounds like a "yes" to me. Go get it Mikey.

Tom:
How many kids do I have? Twelve, but one doesn't live with me and one you never see cuz he's so mad

Lorraine:
Black works Mom. Jesus like had his funeral on Christmas.

Henry Baker:
Jesus died on Easter, Barbie!

Jessica Baker:
Jesus was resurrected on Easter, moron.

Sarah Baker:
Does anyone besides me think our "happier and stronger" life, is actually code for "nastier and suckier"?

Mike:
First dad forces us to move

Jake:
Then mom decides to become a career women and like, travel the globe

Jessica Baker:
And Now, we have to take order from Hank, the model/ actor!

Mark:
And he hates kids too.

Tom:
She says she will help out here only if she and Hank can stay in the same room.

Kate:
No. Isn't that sweet kids, Nora wants to have her own room. No.

Tom:
They're like kittens.

Hank:
So, you guys popping another one anytime soon?

Hank:
Curiosity!

Lorraine:
You blew my concentration, now I get to start all over again... haha

Kate:
Kim and Jessica, your teacher called and has made a request that you do not correct her in front of the class.

Nora:
Did you not hear me? My brother is missing!

Hank:
Did you not hear me? I'm on TV!

Tom:
Where's Hank?

Nora:
He's not going to make the cut.

Sarah Baker:
Release the hound!

Jake:
Yeah, without you, we wouldn't be the twelve Bakers anymore. We'd be,

Jake:
eleven.

Mike:
Hello?... Whos this?...

Mike:
Somebody from somethin' somethin'.

Jessica Baker:
Dad! Nigel hit Kim with a dart and I assume he will be punished!

Kate:
You need a paramedic?

Tom:
No, just a pair o' knees.

Hank:
All I'm saying is families are inevitable they're like death or taxes.

Kim Baker:
Hey Nigel! Wanna play darts?

Kate:
Sarah, your suspension from lacrosse for excessive force has been lifted, so you're going today.

Sarah:
Yes!

Kate:
Henry, you have band practice, all right? I cleaned your clarinet. Please don't play with your food in your mouth again. Kim and Jessica, your teacher called and has made a request that you do not correct her in front of the class. Mike, you have show-and-tell today. And please, honey, remember that body parts do not count. Kyle and Nigel, you have a dentist appointment at 3:00, so you're going to work with Dad.

Nigel and Kyle:
Yeah! (yell)

Tom:
(yells)

Jake:
Dude two words: need new skates.

Kate:
Dude three words: Paper route. (computer receives a message. Reads Nora's message) "Hi, can't make dinner. Hank and I are moving into our new apartment. Love, Nora."

Mark:
Have you seen Beans, Mom?

Kate:
No.

Nora:
Oh, honey, they were just welcoming you into the family.

Hank:
They just set me on fire.

Nora:
Just your pants.

Hank:
Sure, last time, it was my pants, but what if next time it's my face? This is how I get the jobs!

Tom:
(On the phone) Hello, my name is Tom Baker and I'm interested in hiring a domestic helper...I have twelve children. (Pause) Actually I am serious. (Later calling another housekeeper) Just twelve...(Different call) Twelve...(Calling another babysitter) There is only two...uh...plus ten. (Another call) Well, there's twelve but one doesn't live with me and another you will never see because he is so mad! (Another call) How many kids? Well how about when you get here let's count them up? (Later) UHH...A dozen?! (He scratches off about 25 babysitting businesses and hangs his phone up about 10 times; later on a call) Just...just twelve. (Another call) Hello? I'll just hang up on myself...(He angrily hangs up his phone and bows his head in frustration)

Tom:
[angrily] All right, enough is enough. You're slacking on your chores, you're fighting at school, things are out of control. As of this moment, you are all grounded.

Mike:
What's grounded?

Tom:
What's grounded? I'll tell you what grounded is. Except for attending games, you go to school, you come home from school, you do your homework, you do your chores, you go to bed, and that's it.

Sarah:
But that--

Tom:
Oh, yes, Sarah, I know, that sucks, but that's the way it is!

Jake:
Does this mean we can't go to Dylan's birthday party?

Tom:
That's exactly what it means.

Kim:
But we bought his presents already!

Tom:
You are going to miss it. [the kids groan in sadness] Now, go to bed.

Sarah:
[After knocking on the door to tell the other children the plan] I'm going to Dylan's birthday party. Who's with me?

The Baker Kids:
Yeah!

(The children climb out of the window and bring presents to Dylan to enter the party without Tom noticing that they climbed out of the window and went to Dylan's birthday party)

Tina:
Hi...oh! (the Baker kids gave each present to Tina)

Mark:
Brazilian Mud Viper. She gets one live rat a week. (gives it to Tina).

Jake:
Hey, Dylan. Wanna play catch with the football I got you?

Dylan:
Uh, my nanny'd have to check with my dad... who'd have to check with my mom who would say it was an inappropriate use of free time.

Jake:
Hmm. Sounds like a yes to me. Go get it, Mike.

(Mike runs to the present counter to get Jake's present, which knocks the snake that was in Mark's present)

Tom:
[to Football players] Get my kids and meet me at the house. Ready? Break!

[The football players begin to catch the Baker kids, one by one, and Tom sees Sarah in the bounce house]

Tom:
Sarah Baker! Off now!

Sarah:
No way!

Tom:
Don't make me come up there!

[Sarah becomes shocked about her father trying to catch her in the bounce house and Tom goes into the bounce house to catch her, but ends up failing to catch her and the football players knock someone with an air tank and the air tank presses on the bounce house, causing it to over-inflate. Tom realizes the bounce house is about to explode]

Person in the bounce house:
Oh, my God! It's gonna blow!

[The bounce house explodes as Tom, Sarah and the other people are launched into the air. The football players catch Sarah and the other kids. Dylan sees Tom falling towards him and screams as Tom lands on him, offscreen. Cut to Dylan being carried on a gurney at the hospital, with a black eye, chipped tooth and broken arm]

Dylan:
It was my best birthday ever, Coach.

Tina:
[angrily] Your children are never playing with Dylan again!

Tom:
Sorry about your arm, Dylan.

(As Tina and Dylan head to the Hospital room and leave Tom, Tom hears his cell phone and gets a call from Shake)

Tom:
Hello, Shake.

Shake:
Any idea what this could do to my program? Don't speak. Listen. I don't want the players at your house, and I don't want your kids in the department.

(Tom turns off his cell phone and becomes depressed and sees the Newspeople)

Newsman:
There he is! Coach! Coach! How will this impact Saturday's game? Coach, what do you have to say to reports that you're simply spreading yourself too thin?

Nigel:
Come on, Dad, don't hide in the closet!

Kyle:
Take it like a MAN!

[The twins smash an axe through the closet door]

Tom:
I'd just hate to break that up.

Mark:
Mom, Beans is dead.

Sarah:
Nobody cares about your stupid frog right now, FedEx, okay?

Mark:
(Annoyed and irritated) Stop calling me that! (charges at her, causing the whole family to start a heated argument)

Kate:
Don't you dare call him that!

Tom:
All right! Hey!

Kate:
Stop! Stop!

Cameraman 1:
What's the name of this segment again?

Cameraman 2:
Uh, "One Big Happy Family"?

Cameraman 1:
Okay, I'm calling Oprah's family right now.

Hank:
All I'm saying is families are inevitable. It's like death or taxes.

Nora:
Does that mean you don't want children?

Hank:
Chil...?

Kate:
Leave him alone!

Hank:
Hello! Look at these-- They're monsters! Honey, you can't want this. That's why you're with me.

Tom:
Nora! Come on! We need you down here!

Lorraine:
You're stepping on me! You're messing my hair! Stop!

Kate:
Nigel, get off your brother's head!

(Nora comes downstairs)

Mark:
Get off me! Nobody cares about me!

Nora:
Mark.

Mark:
Nobody cares about me!

Nora:
(tries to comfort Mark) Mark, what's going on? (Mark runs upstairs in despair) Mark! Mark!

Sarah and Lorraine:
What are you talking about?!

Mark:
Have you seen my frog, Dad?

Tom:
Sorry, Charlie... er, Nigel... Kyle.

Mark:
It's Mark.

Tom:
I knew that. Hey, teenager. You got caught on Mom radar last night. You're not gonna get that scholarship if you're out late with Beth the night before a big game.

Charlie:
Well, I'm not so sure I even want to go to college.

Tom:
Since when?

Charlie:
Since Beth's mom offered me a job at the auto shop.

Tom:
Hmm, sounds exciting. Well, we'll talk about that after you get your full ride. And meanwhile, in by 10:00 on school nights. Clear?

Charlie:
Got it.

Tom:
Anything else you wanna talk about?

Charlie:
Did I mention I don't like you very much?

Tom:
Yeah, you mentioned that.

Charlie:
Then, I'm good.

Tom:
Yeah, me too.

Nora:
[on the phone] It totally sucks. I miss you too, but, I mean, I've gotta get a job. Hi, Lorraine. Okay, I'll try and be there, honey. Hi, Kimmy. Yeah, I-I know that I haven't been very friendly recently. [to Hank] They are pulling me in again!

Hank:
Just tell them you can't do it.

Nora:
[on the phone] Could you guys hold on a second? [to Hank] That's easy for you to say! You're an only child! It might be fun to babysit together.

Hank:
No! Whoa, no! No, you know what happened the last time we visited.

Nora:
Oh, honey, they were just welcoming you into the family.

Hank:
They set me on fire.

Nora:
Just your pants.

Hank:
Honey, I am an actor, okay? And sure, last time, it was just my pants, but what if next time it's my face? This is the moneymaker! I'm not that good of an actor! This is how I get the jobs! I know that! I'm man enough to admit it!

Nora:
Please? Please, please, please, please?

Hank:
Don't look at me like that. Don't look at me like that! You always do that to me. Fine, fine, you know what? We'll go. But I'll tell you what. One thing happens and I'm gone. And no fires. And we sleep in the same room.

Nora:
[on the phone to Kimmy] Kimmy, put Dad on.

Tom:
She says she'll help us out if they can stay in the same room.

Kate:
No, no way. No, she knows the rules. She wants to have her own room while she's here. Isn't that sweet? No.

Tom:
[on the phone with Nora] Okay, look, why don't you just come over on Sunday, and we'll talk logistics. All right, bye. [hangs up the phone]

Sarah:
Tell me that Mister Doorknob Man isn't babysitting too!

Kate:
Yes, he very well might be, young lady!

Tom:
And do not set his pants on fire again!

Kate:
Yes.

Sarah:
Classic.

[the kids look in guilt]

Kate:
It was just his pants. [walks out of the room with Tom]

Sarah:
Does anyone besides me think our "happier and stronger" life, is actually code for "nastier and suckier"?

Mike:
First, Dad forces us to move.

Jake:
Then Mom decides to become a career person and like, travel the globe.

Jessica:
And now we have to take orders from Hank, the model/actor?!

Mark:
And he hates kids, too.

Kate:
What's the deal with Charlie?

Tom:
Fine, thanks. How are you?

Kate:
I'm sorry, hi.

Tom:
Hi. Charlie got kicked off the football team.

Kate:
What?!

Tom:
Don't worry, I'm handling it.

[knock at the door]

Tom:
Shake. President Gerhard.

President Gerhard:
Tom.

Shake:
Tom, we need a minute.

Mark:
Please don't die, Beans.

President Gerhard:
The university is prepared to make a huge investment in the program, but we want some assurances.

Tom:
What does that mean?

Shake:
We wanna know that you're committed to the football program.

President Gerhard:
You have to decide who's making the bacon and who's cooking it.

Shake:
So, what's it gonna be, Tom?

Kate:
Tom, honey, didn't you pick up my dry-cleaning?

Tom:
Yes, dear, it's in the front closet.

Shake:
Well, I guess the wife just answered our question.

Kate:
The wife's name is Kate, Shake.

Nigel:
What a wiener.

[Kyle agrees with Nigel]

Shake:
We want an answer by Monday, Tom. This meeting's over.

The Baker Family:
Steve Martin as Tom Baker

The Baker Family:
Bonnie Hunt as Kate Baker

The Baker Family:
Piper Perabo as Nora Baker

The Baker Family:
Tom Welling as Charlie Baker

The Baker Family:
Hilary Duff as Lorraine Baker

The Baker Family:
Kevin Schmidt as Henry Baker

The Baker Family:
Alyson Stoner as Sarah Baker

The Baker Family:
Jacob Smith as Jake Baker

The Baker Family:
Forrest Landis as Mark Baker

The Baker Family:
Liliana Mumy as Jessica Baker

The Baker Family:
Morgan York as Kim Baker

The Baker Family:
Blake Woodruff as Mike Baker

The Baker Family:
Brent Kinsman as Nigel Baker

The Baker Family:
Shane Kinsman as Kyle Baker

Paula Marshall as Tina Shenk

Alan Ruck as Bill Shenk

Steven Anthony Lawrence as Dylan Shenk

Richard Jenkins as Shake McGuire

Ashton Kutcher as Hank

Tiffany Dupont as Beth

Cody Linley as Quinn

Jared Padalecki as an unnamed bully

Dax Shepard as a member of the camera crew

Regis Philbin as Himself

Kelly Ripa as Herself

Frank Welker as Gunner (voice)