College Coach

College Trustee:
A winning football team, gentlemen, that's the answer to our problems.

Dr. Phillip Sargent:
I'm against having this man Gore here at Calvert on any basis. He's a headline hunter, an unscrupulous high-pressure showman! I don't want to see our students turned into tramp athletes, stage-struck performers in a Saturday circus. Why, he's professionalized every college that's employed him. Surely, we can pay for our laboratory without resorting to the things that he stands for.

Coach Gore:
You read about Napoleon?

Charles Hauser:
Hey, you know I don't read much.

Coach Gore:
You know, that guy'd a made a great little football coach.

Charles Hauser:
Yeah, I bet he would, at that.

Coach Gore:
Sure, and I wouldn't make a bad general.

Charles Hauser:
There, there ain't much dough in that, though, is there?

Coach Gore:
Say, the next time there's a war, I'm gonna show 'em how a battle should be staged. It's just like football, Napoleon knew that.

Charles Hauser:
Yeah, but he lost out in his big game, didn't he.

Coach Gore:
No, he got crossed up in his signals.

Coach Gore:
Oh say, did you make deals with Weaver, Holcomb and Matthews?

Charles Hauser:
Yeah, I got 'em cheap too, considering how scarce good backfield material is. I had 'em at summer school all summer so they'd be legible.

Coach Gore:
Oh, that's fine. Oh, why you're at it, pick me up a couple of good tackles that can understand English, will ya.

Herbert P. 'Buck' Weaver:
[Opens train car window] Don't mention it. Anything you like. Open or shut.

Claire Gore:
You know what I want shut and it isn't the window.

Herbert P. 'Buck' Weaver:
Well, this is where I get off, baby. Come and see me play football sometime.

Coach Gore:
Hello, darling. [Embrace and kiss] Gee, baby, its swell to see ya.

Claire Gore:
It seems like months instead of weeks.

Coach Gore:
Did you miss me, honey?

Claire Gore:
Of course, I did.

Coach Gore:
Like it? Jump in.

Claire Gore:
Shall I drive?

Coach Gore:
Well, you might as well get used to it. It's yours from now on.

Claire Gore:
Sweet boy. [Kiss]

Herbert P. 'Buck' Weaver:
Boy, how'd you like to stick your finger in her coffee?

Herbert P. 'Buck' Weaver:
Can I give you a lift? We'll make better time.

Claire Gore:
Who will? You or I?

Herbert P. 'Buck' Weaver:
Why don't you get in and find out.

Claire Gore:
No, I guess I'll walk. So long.

J- Marvin Barnett:
That's your induction badge for the Campfire Boys of America. They are making you an honorary Grand Woodcraft Chief. I fixed it up for you.

Coach Gore:
I see. What are you getting out of it this time?

J- Marvin Barnett:
Oh, they're just making me an honorary Woodpecker. He's a Pecker too.

Coach Gore:
Yeah, well listen Woodpeckers you can take your Campfire Boys and...

Charles Hauser:
Now, wait a minute coach, you better do it, it's swell publicity. Remember, over a million kids belong to the Campfire Boys. They all got families and they all go to football games.

J- Marvin Barnett:
Pop Warner didn't get it.

Coach Gore:
He didn't?

J- Marvin Barnett:
No. Every Campfire Boy in America will have to call you Chief. You know, some of the biggest men in the world got it. As, eh, Will Rogers, Edward G. Robinson, W. C. Fields, Mickey Mouse.

Coach Gore:
Where did they ever coach?

Coach Gore:
All I need to win another conference championship is eleven apple-cheeked lads and a football.

Coach Gore:
I wonder who the dame is he's with? Must be awful lonesome to go out with that egg.

Coach Gore:
And all of you remember this, all of you, there's a crazy, daffy crowd out there screaming for a hundred thousand dollars worth a ball game. Now, go on out and deliver. That's all! Same team that ran through signals last night, starts the game today. Go on out and fight! All of you!

Herbert P. 'Buck' Weaver:
Why not come with me?

Claire Gore:
Is that a proposition?

Herbert P. 'Buck' Weaver:
I'm not kidding. We could get married.

Claire Gore:
I've got one husband. That's supposed to be my quota.

Herbert P. 'Buck' Weaver:
Did you ever hear of a place called Mexico? You could divorce that palooka in a week.

Claire Gore:
I told you to lay off that palooka stuff and I mean it!

Radio Announcer:
Four Aces! The greatest backfield ever assembled, together again for the first time this season. I guess Gore slipped one over this time and does it change the picture. What a ball game! Anything can happen now!

Herbert P. 'Buck' Weaver:
Listen, I wouldn't play for Gore if he come here in person crawling on his knees to me. And that's from me with love and kisses.

Herbert P. 'Buck' Weaver:
Can you imagine that stooge asking me to play? That's rich!

Herbert P. 'Buck' Weaver:
Say, listen, I'm the best back in the conference. In the country maybe. Why, I could go out there today and smear them monkeys like an army tank!