Colour Me Kubrick: A True...ish Story

Alan Conway:
The trouble with Marlon is that he thinks he's Brando.

Alan Conway:
I've shaved off my beard off!

Frank Rich:
Well he did say he "shaved off all of his beard off".

Freddie:
Is it me or is it The Telegraph crossword?

Madam:
Is *what* you or The Telegraph crossword?

Freddie:
Getting difficult. Is it getting more difficult to do or is my ability to do it lessening?

Madam:
Probably a bit of both.

Freddie:
It can't be anal can it?

Madam:
No, dear. Not in The Telegraph.

1st boy in bar:
Of course, [Kubrick] left his calling card in 2001: A Space Odyssey. But none of us recognised it.

2nd boy in bar:
2001?

1st boy in bar:
Yes. HAL, the computer. Camp as a row of tents. Positively Danny Debonair with that voice. That's why he killed the astronaut, wanted to be alone with the other beefcake.

2nd boy in bar:
Oh. What's he working on now... Kubrick?

1st boy in bar:
He's doing a remake of that Julie Christie film, 'Darling.' She's a boy this time. They wouldn't let John Schlesinger get away with *that* in the 1960s.

2nd boy in bar:
Sounds captivating.

1st boy in bar:
It is dear. Very captivating. And I've got a rather juicy part in it. It'll be goodbye soaps for moi.

2nd boy in bar:
Well... they do say in Hollywood, the only way to the top is through the bottom.

Jasper:
When you told me that you lost your limited edition Mont Blanc pen that Tom Cruise had given you, I thought that the very least I could do is to replace it.

Alan Conway:
Oh! Jasper, I'm so touched. You are too kind.

Jasper:
I'm so pleased that *you* are pleased.

Alan Conway:
Look at it! It's wonderful... do you have the receipt?

Alan Conway:
I'm only trying to escape myself. That's why I have to pretend to be someone else.

Melvyn:
You could be bigger than Elvis!

Norman:
Bigger than Jesus, lad!

Melvyn:
Can you imagine how big Jesus would be if only he'd played the guitar?