Comedy Central Roast of Donald Trump

Seth MacFarlane:
By the way, Donald, it's pronounced "huge," not "eyuge". Also, it's pronounced "I am f***ing delusional," not "I am running for President."

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
[the Situation is constantly getting booed for every joke he makes] Jeff, you and I have a lot in common. We're both from Jersey and tonight's my first night doing comedy.

Jeffrey Ross:
[chuckles and gets up] It's also your last night just so you know!

Seth MacFarlane:
[after The Situation's abysmal comedy routine] Alright, we wanna thank the Pope for that marvelous speech.

Anthony Jeselnik:
Look at this Dais. You've got a pimp, a murderer, a drug dealer, a pornographer... and then eight white people.

Marlee Matlin:
[Signing] Not many people know this, but I replaced Lisa on The L-Word. Apparently, the only way she would eat p*ssy is if there were french fries in it.

Seth MacFarlane:
[about Mike Sorrentino] A lot of people laughed at him for hooking up with his co-star, Snooki, but Italians are known for grinding organs with monkeys.

Jeffrey Ross:
[as The Situation is getting boo'd, Jeff Ross comes up to help him out] You know 'The Situation'? [lifts up his shirt to reveal his gut]

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
That's definitely a situation right there.

Jeffrey Ross:
They call me 'The Saturation'!

Anthony Jeselnik:
Larry King is so old, he's actually one of the Jews that killed Christ.

Anthony Jeselnik:
Marlee Matlin. Are you even listening to me?

Marlee Matlin:
[Signing] I guess I'm the perfect choice for this roast because like The Situation, I, too, have never heard the sound of laughter.

Gilbert Gottfried:
I've heard word that Donald Trump has done so much damage to the New York Skyline, that instead of calling him the Donald, they should call him the 20th hijacker.

Anthony Jeselnik:
[to The Situation] Mike Sorrentino... great job, by the way. Mike, you're doing really well right now. You've got a cologne, a workout video, a vodka. You've got your name on everything... except a High School Diploma. And Sitch, I don't wanna tell you how to live your life, man, but if you've spent half of your time reading books as much as you do chasing skanks, you probably wouldn't have AIDS.

Anthony Jeselnik:
Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
[whenever he gets booed] 'Ey! Oh! 'Ey! Chill!

Gilbert Gottfried:
[Speaking for Marlee] Thank you, Donald Trump. You're the best. This has been a thrill for me. It's not often that you get a boss that can laugh at himself.

[pause]

Marlee Matlin:
[Speaking] Now, please stop staring at my tits.

Anthony Jeselnik:
Jeff Ross has been roasting people since Whitney Cummings was nothing but a glint in the eye of the man who raped her mother.

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
[to Donald] I've seen pictures of your house. Everything in your house is gold. Who the f*** decorated your house, Flava-Flav's dentist?

Anthony Jeselnik:
Larry King's been married eight times. Eight times! Jesus, man. You've got 99 problems and b*tches are all of them!

Snoop Dogg:
Now he's talking about running for President. Why not? It wouldn't be the first time he kicked a black family out of their house.

Whitney Cummings:
Larry King you have had a heart attack, bypass surgery, you have heart disease, and you recently got stents placed in your coronary artery; take a hint, God wants you to die.

Snoop Dogg:
Hey, Seth. FYI: ain't no niggas watching The Cleveland Show. From me to you.

Larry King:
Marlee, always a pleasure. What on earth are you doing here? You won the Academy Award for Children Of A Lesser God, and then nothing for years. I don't understand it. You were *so* convincing playing a deaf woman.

Larry King:
Snoop told me before the break that once he took a DNA test and found out he is only 71% black. Is that true? Unless my math is wrong, if you're 71% black, you're 29% not guilty.

Larry King:
Donald Trump is not only one of my oldest and dearest friends, he is an American success story. When he graduated college, he put his shoulder to the wheel, nose to the grindstone... borrowed $6 million from his father, and started a career. Donald Trump, without a doubt, you're a New York landmark. Which means it will only be a matter of time before you bulldoze yourself and put up some gaudy, tacky monstrosity, and put your name on it.