Cougar Town

Barbara:
[heartily laughs] Oh, there isn't a woman in the world who can resist the scent of wounded boy.

Jules Cobb:
[Angry] You based all of my treatment on your dog?

Glenn:
Ajam. [Jules is stressed] Ok, I'm just gonna light a little sage in here 'cause, you know? It's very calming so let's all just [whistles] calm.

Jules Cobb:
It's just... I can't believe you lied to me.

Glenn:
[Pointing at Jules, slightly angry] Hey, hey, hey, Jules! And yes, this is my steering voice.

Jules Cobb:
[Slighty intimidated] I don't like your steering voice.

Glenn:
All I ever do was used my personal experience [starts coughing because of the sage] to help you. All right? I've never lied on this office. Ever. This is a sacred circle [keeps coughing] of truth.

Jules Cobb:
Is it, Glenn?

Glenn:
What?

Jules Cobb:
Tell me. After we left, did you leave a note on that car?

Glenn:
Yes, I did.

Jules Cobb:
What did it say?

Glenn:
It said: Suck it! [Jules nods, having proved her point] I'm not perfect, Jules.

Jules Cobb:
[Ironic] Really?

Glenn:
That's how we connect. We are kindred spirits. Last time you said that you felt guilty because you hang up on your dad. Last Christimas, I set my car on fire so my mother would think I was dead.

Jules Cobb:
Those aren't the same!

Glenn:
Bah, they're so close. But you know what? I'm done playing with your judgement games. I'm not gonna play. You're gonna have to find another therapist.

Jules Cobb:
YOU are firing ME?

Glenn:
Here's your information.

Jules Cobb:
Are you serious?

Glenn:
Yeah.

Jules Cobb:
You are a nutjob!

Glenn:
Yeaaaaah.

Jules Cobb:
You take your dog to communion!

Glenn:
[Angry and obviously crazy] Hey, that was not my choice. That was Gabriel's choice. I was totally against that, Jules.

Bobby Cobb:
An M80 dropped out of my pocket and into the fire, can y'all here me talking right now.

Laurie Keller:
What sort of skank wears a watch?

Laurie Keller:
Its just like 1,2,3,4,5,BAM!... and then he farts

Jules Cobb:
In one of our friend talks he told me she is not even on the pill... Condoms break all the time!

Laurie Keller:
Especially if there's piercing involved!

Ellie Torres:
Stop,I'm begging you

Ellie Torres:
I understand we have a, uh, felony break in and a body in the closet. Is that correct? All right. Do what I say, and we'll get through this. Jelly Bean, find that damn purse. We can still prove she's a gold digger. Jules, get a rag, wipe the place down- tables, door knobs, anything you may have touched. Get to work.

Jules Cobb:
A "please" would be nice.

Ellie Torres:
Come again?

Jules Cobb:
I said a "please" would be nice.

Ellie Torres:
Get it straight, buster. I'm not here to say "please." I'm here to tell you what to do. If my help's not appreciated, best of luck, lady.

Jules Cobb:
No, no. I-I'm sorry, Miss Ellie.

Ellie Torres:
[to Laurie] Dear God, your dress is so short I can see your IUD!

Laurie:
[throwing a man at Jules] You left this at the bar b*tch!

Jules Cobb:
Are you threatening me?

Dr. Amy Evans:
I haven't decided yet.

Jules Cobb:
Well when you know let me know.

Dr. Amy Evans:
I decided. Back off!

Jules Cobb:
I have a date with this mean dermatologist. She's the worst.

Travis Cobb:
Then why do you go to her?

Jules Cobb:
Because she's the best.

Dr. Amy Evans:
I like queen b*tch. It makes me sound like leader of the gays.

Dr. Amy Evans:
Oh, hi, Jules. You need more Chardonnay, and better Chardonnay.

Dr. Amy Evans:
[to Jules] You need more chardonnay. And better chardonnay.

Laurie Keller:
[after meeting her soon-to-be boyfriend, Smith] He has a first-name last name and a last-name first name! I swear to God, if I ever have a white baby, I am totally naming it Smith!

Laurie Keller:
[Waking up with Grayson "the morning after"] What we did last night was perfectly natural, like the wind... and not trusting Canadians.

Bobby Cobb:
Will you smell the inside of my nose and tell me if it stinks?

Jules Cobb:
You wanna use less tongue, you're not a cow at a salt lick.