Critical Role

Vex'ahlia:
Lost cause. Abandon ship! Abandon ship!

Grog:
Right. I have an intelligence of 6. I know what I'm doing.

Scanlan:
Is there any recon that's going to happen tonight?

Vex'ahlia:
[to Vax] I think you and I are gonna go to Greyspine's.

Vax'ildan:
We'll check out the house.

Scanlan:
Do you need any help?

Vax'ildan:
Sure, you can come along.

Scanlan:
I don't want you to say yes.

Vex'ahlia:
We're gonna try to check out what it looks like, see what the guards are like.

Vax'ildan:
Yeah, we'll pretend to take a stroll, pose as a married couple.

Vex'ahlia:
Ew, no.

Vax'ildan:
Just for the purposes of sneaking around the house.

Vex'ahlia:
How about we pose as brother and sister, creepy?

Vax'ildan:
You come on to every human, orc, and half-elf in the entire kingdom, but pretending to be my wife for 30 minutes is too much?

Vex'ahlia:
Yes, it's disgusting, so no.

Vax'ildan:
You're probably right.

Vex'ahlia:
Look at that one with the carving, it's amazing!

Vax'ildan:
The architecture is divine.

Vex'ahlia:
Divine!

Scanlan:
They're posing as the Howell's?

Dungeon Master:
[In Thurston Howell voice] The marble texture on this is gorgeous!

Scanlan:
Am I currently being beaten by a whore dwarf right now?

Dungeon Master:
Make a constitution check.

Dungeon Master:
Look, we're letting you off this once, but if you so much as spit in the direction of any other dwarf in this city, we're gonna bury you so far underneath the dungeon, you won't see the light of day again until the day you rot. You hear me dragonborn?

Tiberius:
I mean, yes. My hearing is perfectly fine.

Vax'ildan:
As you can see, we've brought one of your citizens with us to show us a tour of the city.

Dungeon Master:
Citizen? I haven't seen you about, what's your name.

Tiberius:
Oh, my name is Tiberius Kraghammer.

Scanlan:
Like Johnny New York. We're in Kraghammer. Johnny New York.

Scanlan:
It was crazy in there! People were farting everywhere. It was not me.

Tiberius:
Really Scanlan!

Scanlan:
They're building a throne room. There were some locked doors. Man I wish you could have been there. It was exciting but ultimately pointless, so lets go down to the mine.

Scanlan:
May I make a request that you kill them anyway?

Grog:
It's like playing croquet at this point, so yes.

Dungeon Master:
Grog, it's your turn.

Grog:
I would like to rage, and I would like to move to the right of all those stinking goblins!

Dungeon Master:
Right over here?

Grog:
Well, a little more to the right. A little more. Yeah, keep going. All the way, flanking it, yeah, yeah... and then I would like to give him the cleanest shave possible.

Scanlan:
[singing] I think you're really handsome and nice! You're going to have inspiration dice!

Tiberius:
I encourage violence.

Tiberius:
Vax, what are you doing?

Vax'ildan:
I'm killing someone, hold please.

Dungeon Master:
I've never been to Whitestone, is it cold?

Percy:
Yes.

Vex'ahlia (2015):
In the winter.

Dungeon Master:
It's winter!

Vex'ahlia (2015):
I like that we're sending them to the place that's got the orb of death.

Dungeon Master:
What was that? What did she say?

Vex'ahlia (2015):
I said you might be able to see your breath!

Vex'ahlia (2015):
How about a limerick as payment, Scanlan?

Scanlan:
A limerick, for you?

Vex'ahlia (2015):
For you.

Scanlan:
You're going to give me a limerick?

Vex'ahlia (2015):
I'll give you a limerick. Hold on. I've been preparing it. Have you heard tale of Scanlan the bard? Or Burt Reynolds if you look at his card. Always tries to get laid, sometimes with ladies he made. But I still respect him because rhyming is hard.

Grog:
Sometimes you have to walk away from a bad deal to find a good one.

Percy, Scanlan:
That's not a thing.

Keyleth:
I got what you were saying Grog.

Keyleth:
Thank you to the critter who sent us bacon jerky.

Vex'ahlia:
Travis will be smelling like bacon jerky for the rest of his life.

Grog:
Prepare yourself. That smells extra like dog farts.

Vex'ahlia:
Oh, it really does.

Grog:
You know the best way to flush out something like that? If someone was a spy.

Vex'ahlia:
Just keep thinking about it, alright.

Scanlan:
Alright, I'll do it. I'll just go in...

Keyleth:
Well, what if we find a shady individual, like he was saying. What if we don't send in Scanlan but find someone.

Scanlan:
That person will surely die.

Grog:
What if we sent a shady piece of sh*t to go bend the knee, and work on the inside

Scanlan:
Listen, Jarret is good but I don't want to sacrifice him like that.

Vex'ahlia:
What about you Scanlan? You're so good at lying, sucking up and groveling.

Grog:
I was talking about you.

Scanlan:
What about Trinket?

Vex'ahlia:
Trinket can't talk.

Scanlan:
Oh, that's right.

Grog:
Dragons have to eat right?

Dungeon Master:
They eat quite a bit.

Grog:
Right, so you poison like, a cow. Be like, oh lord Theradoxin, here you go. Poison cow, you're dead. Hero of the city.

Scanlan:
Something tells me I would end up his gimp.

Grog:
You dimension door, you're super quick. This is a no-brainer.

Scanlan:
If only I had taken a dump in the middle of town, I could see what's going on right now.

Dungeon Master:
It was hard to make out the details in how fast we had our duel. I've never dueled a dragon before, I've dueled a dragon now.

Vex'ahlia:
And fared quite well.

Dungeon Master:
Oh, I did not.

Dungeon Master:
As you guys push, darting through the alleys, the team that is going for the entrance to the clasp, you lead them into, uh...

Garthok:
A trap! Booya!

Vax'ildan:
[to Scanlan] You know, you're very charming, but you're a f***ing weirdo. And then I climb up stealthily after my sister.

Scanlan:
I just shrug. [to Garthok] I think he was talking to you.

Scanlan:
I will sing a song of rest. And it goes a little something like Scanlan make you feel good. Scanlan make you feel real good.

Vax'ildan:
Tell you what, when we drag our asses out of that mine, we'll come straight to you.

Vex'ahlia:
And we'll have some of that dried fruit. [Winks]

Dungeon Master:
I'll save a batch for you, you half-elf lass.

Vax'ildan:
Do the wink thing you do.

Vex'ahlia:
I did, I already did actually.

Vax'ildan:
Oh, you did it already. She's good at winking.

Dungeon Master:
I saw, it was a good wink. Made my shoulders tingle. That might be the diabetes... mostly the wink I think.

Vax'ildan:
Good sir dwarf, clearly we are idiots.

Dungeon Master:
That's the first true thing you've said since you called me out of my meal.

Scanlan:
Ok, I'm gonna move right there, into the room as far as I can.

Dungeon Master:
That's as far as, you can go that far.

Scanlan:
Ok, and I'm going to cast stinking cloud. Right there. It's gonna smell like just ass over there.

Grog:
We have, also if you're interested, in trade, basilisk eggs, and parts of an umberhulk.

Vax'ildan:
And a troll dick.

Grog:
Nope, that's gone. We flogged him with it, and then it disappeared.

Vax'ildan:
I detract my offer.

Grog:
It was used very well.

Grog:
With my frenzied rage renewed, I run towards the water, haunted by nightmares of Sebastian and the Little Mermaid and I leap into the water, and start slashing, and slashing.

Dungeon Master:
Go ahead and make your 3 attacks Grog.

Grog:
Le poisson, le poisson, he he he, f*** you b*tch.

Scanlan:
[to Pike] Don't worry, that hard wood is the boat.

Vax'ildan:
As a rogue, if I success an Evasion, I take nothing.

Dungeon Master:
Then you take nothing.

Vex'ahlia:
As a twin of a rogue...?

Scanlan:
What? To sneak through the village to the tunnel? No. Not all seven of us. And a bear? Are you crazy?

Dungeon Master:
Play this song.

Scanlan:
When I get this feeling, I want Clarota healing. Clarota healing is something that's good for you. Oo oo oo.

Percy:
What's a maid and a cook going to do?

Scanlan:
Make it breakfast, even dragons get hungry!

Caduceus:
We all find rest in the grave, let me tuck you in after tea.