Da Ali G Show

Ali G:
Booyakasha!

Ali G:
Big up yourself.

Ali G:
Respek.

Ali G:
Can we see the muff please?

Borat:
Is gooood yeaaah?

Ali G:
Is you on crack or somethin'?

Borat:
In U.S. and A. they treat horses like we in Kazakhstan treat our women. They feed them two times a day. They have them sleep on straw in a small box. And for entertainment, they make them jump over fences while being whipped.

Borat:
Your dog is a loser... you are upset?

Dog Show Contestant:
No, no. I don't get upset. Some days you win, some days you don't.

Borat:
You will put him in a sack in the river?

Borat:
High five!

[in an interview with astronaut Buzz Aldrin]

Ali G:
You better learn about these things from my man Buzz Lightyear here.

Ali G:
But what harm has violence ever done?

Media analyst:
Oh... death!

Ali G:
Yeah, but apart from that.

Bruno:
What do you say to the people who see that you are so powerful in your physique, with your powerful thighs and pectoral muscles and wonder what your schwanzenstook is like?

Shaud Williams:
Uh... I don't know, I've never been put in that situation before.

Bruno:
What's up? Being gay is the new coolest thing, which is why I came to gayest part of America: Alabama!

Ali G:
And what date does you hold the Fourth of July on?

Ali G:
Sex. You has probably heard the word out there. And some of you probably know what it means. For those of you who don't, it means boning. But with boning comes responsi-lib-ity.

Ali G:
There has been enough sadness since the terrible events of 7-11.

Borat:
Even though I am big like can of Pepsi?

Borat:
Yagshemash! In U.S. and A., if you want to marry a girl, you cannot just go to her father's house and swap her for 15 gallons of insecticide. Before American woman will allow you in her vazhin, you must do something called dating.

[At the Philadelphia Police Academy]

Officer Brinkman:
You know what a burglary is?

Ali G:
For real, I has done a couple.

Officer Brinkman:
OK.

Officer Brinkman:
Tell him to put his hands up.

Ali G:
[over the loudspeaker] Yo! Yo, mofo! Put up your 'ands, or you is gonna be shot by us!

Officer Brinkman:
OK, tell him you see the gun.

Ali G:
I can see the motherf***ing gun. Put them up!

Officer Brinkman:
You can't curse, you can't curse.

Ali G:
You can't curse!

Sgt. Thomas Hyers:
And that completes Cop 101 here at the Philadelphia Police Academy. How'd it go, what'd you think?

Ali G:
[shaking hands with him] Respect. Do you think I could make a good cop?

Sgt. Thomas Hyers:
Er, probably not.

Edwin Meese:
[closing soundbite] I was Attorney General, my name is Meese. I say go to college, don't carry a piece.

Ali G:
What is legal?

Richard Thornburgh:
Well, I think most conduct that all of us engage in on a day-to-day basis is legal.

Ali G:
So what is illegal?

Richard Thornburgh:
What is illegal is what the elected representatives of the people define as crimes.

Ali G:
What is barely legal?

Richard Thornburgh:
Well, that's when you get into technicalities and that's why you have trials.

Ali G:
Cos me saw this film called Barely Legal 3 and it was about these two naughty college girls, and them 'adn't done their 'omework, and then as punishment they had to have a three-header with their supervisor, this teacher. Is that to do with the law?

Richard Thornburgh:
Uhhh... It's hard to say. That would probably be governed by the rules of the institution, the college.

Ali G:
Yo, well, in this institution it was very strict rule that if you didn't do your 'omework you would get boned.

Richard Thornburgh:
Right. Well, that's a law of sorts.

Ali G:
Yo. Well, it's a well good law. Has you seen that film?

Richard Thornburgh:
Yes - No, I haven't.

Ali G:
You should check it out.

Richard Thornburgh:
[laughing] I will now because you've recommended it.

Ali G:
Yo. I mean, it's well good, it's like...

Richard Thornburgh:
Barely Legal?

Ali G:
Barely Legal 3.

Richard Thornburgh:
3, OK. Good.

[to a D.E.A. officer]

Ali G:
What is the different types of hasch out there? We all know that it's called the bionic, the bomb, the puff, the blow, the black, the herb, the sensie, the cronic, the sweet Mary Jane, the sh*t, Ganja, split, reefa, the bad, the buddha, the home grown, the ill, the maui-maui, the method, pot, lethal turbo, tie, shake, skunk, stress, whacky, weed, glaze, the boot, dimebag, Scooby Doo, bob, bogey, back yard boogie. But what is the other terms for it?

Bruno:
What is the philosophy of the show?

Tiffany, the Stylist:
Um, it's kind of, like, trailer trash, trailer park trash.

Bruno:
What is this, "trailer trash"?

Tiffany, the Stylist:
It's kind of, like, I guess, like, backwoods, from like, um... just, like, middle of nowhere, kind of poor, dressing with what you have around.

Bruno:
Oh, so they are very primitive, rubbish people.

Tiffany, the Stylist:
Kind of, yeah.

Bruno:
So, tell me, do you hope that these white trash, trashing people will buy the clothes?

Tiffany, the Stylist:
I don't think they can afford it.

Bruno:
Oh, they are too poor!

[they both laugh]

Bruno:
We take the clothes from the homeless people and we sell them in the shops...

Tiffany, the Stylist:
Jack up the price!

Bruno:
And then the homeless people cannot buy them!

Tiffany, the Stylist:
Definitely, definitely.

Bruno:
Yes. That is the beauty of fashion.

Tiffany, the Stylist:
Yeah!

Borat:
In Kazakhstan, the favorite hobbies are disco dancing, archery, rape, and table tennis.

Ali G:
Is it 'cos I is black?

Borat:
If I work here, can I work in a room with a light?

Employer:
Yeah. Everyone gets to work in a room with a light.

Borat:
Great success!

Ali G:
One time when me was high, me sold me car for like 24 chicken McNuggets.

Ali G:
With men and women, does you think that men should marry only one woman? Does you believe in mahogany?

Ali G:
Easynow. If you ain't careful, sex can lead to some terrible things: herpes, squat rot, or even worse, something called a relationship.

Borat:
Yagshemash! Democracy is very different in U.S. and A. from Kazakhstan. In America, woman *can* vote, but horse - *cannot*!

[wondering gesture]

Borat:
I go to help a Republican Party candidate win election. Chenkuye.

Borat:
[interrupting a conversation] I sorry to interrupt the politic. Uh, please, is possible make a sh*t, your house, immediately, very urgent, I have a problem, please?

[Ali G is showing a producer his version of James Bond, which shows him saving a girl from some thugs and then having sex with her]

Girl:
By the way, I didn't get your name.

Ali G:
The name be James Bond, 'JAMES' Bond.

Ali G:
What was it like being the head of the NYPD?

Daryl Gates:
Not NY, LAPD.

Ali G:
Well, you say tomato, I say potato.

Ali G:
I don't know if you know this, but dolphins ain't fish. They is like us, they is mammaries.

Ali G:
So, if this show teach you anything, it should teach you how to respek everyone: animals, children, b*tches, spazmos, mingers, lezzers, fatty boombahs, and even gaylords. So, to all you lot watching this, but mainly to the normal people, respek. West side.

Ali G:
So what does ATF stand for?

ATF trainer:
Alcohol, tobacco, firearms and explosives.

Ali G:
And what else does you sell?

Borat:
Yagshemash. In U.S. and A., very rich people like to drink wine. It is like Kazakhi wine, but not made from fermented horses' urine.

Ali G:
Is the brain's memory any good?

Dr. C. Everett Koop:
The brain's memory is perfect.

Ali G:
Then how come I can't remember me pin number?

Dr. C. Everett Koop:
Well...

Ali G:
I think it's got like a "4" in it...

Dr. C. Everett Koop:
I can give you a quick answer and say you're stupid.

Ali G:
Well, that obviously ain't the real reason.

Dr. C. Everett Koop:
Well, it's the beginning of truth.

Borat:
America national sport is called baseballs. It very similar to our sport, shurik, where we take dogs, shoot them in a field, and then have a party.

[at baseball game]

Borat:
Did you pay some money to the boss to make sure your side win?

Baseball fan:
That is not done in baseball.

Borat:
But maybe fifty dollar...

Baseball fan:
No, no, no.

Borat:
You want I pay him fifty dollar...?

Baseball fan:
No, no, no, no, no.

Borat:
I have forty thousand tampon, no applicator. You want I give to the umpire?

Baseball fan:
I don't think so.

Borat:
You think he will mind that there is no applicator?

[discussing Jesus Christ]

Ali G:
What day is he meant to have been born on?

Catholic Priest:
We celebrate his birth on the Twenty-Fifth of December.

Ali G:
Ain't that a coincidence that he was born on Christmas Day?

Catholic Priest:
No...

[discussing Jesus Christ]

Ali G:
Is it true that he was born in a stable?

Catholic Priest:
It's possible he was born in those kind of simple circumstances. No room in the inn, and--

Ali G:
No room in the...well, that's because it was Christmas, innit it?

Ali G:
Is Disneyland a member of the UN?

Ali G:
Let's talk about some conspiracy things. Let's go back to the grassy knoll. Who actually shot J.R.?

Boutros Boutros-Ghali:
I am Boutros Boutros-Ghali / Put down your gun and listen to...

Ali G:
Bob Marley.

Boutros Boutros-Ghali:
...Bob Marley!

Ali G:
So does Jesus really exist, or is he just your father dressed up?