Da Kath & Kim Code

Kim Day Craig:
Brett is now the official Cumputa City floater.

Kath Day Knight:
Oh! A floater. Well, what does that pacifically entail, Kim?

Kim Day Craig:
Well, Brett sort of explained it like he's kind of like an octopus. You know, spreading his testicles over all departments.

Kath Day Knight:
Oh, that sounds like a big job.

Prue:
Hi, Trude. I got here as soon as I could. Sorry.

Trude:
Hi, Prue. How's the court case going?

Prue:
Ohh! Not great. Adrian's resigning on every company he's ever had preferential shares in. Bloody ASIC.

Trude:
I know. They're just bullies.

Prue:
Mmm.

Trude:
They've been sniffing around Noosa. Graham's had to go and put in a bloody ramp, so he can call it a special facility. I mean, he's ruined my whole fa?ade.

Prue:
Oh, no, Trude! Well, you know, you can just grow something over that. You know, like a bougainvillea or something.

Trude:
Oh, yes. Or a choko vine.

Prue:
Mmm.

Trude:
I'll get Paul onto that.

Prue:
Yes.

Trude:
Oh, poor Adrian.

Prue:
Oh, no, Trude! Not poor Adrian. I have no sympathy for him. You know, he gets on a few boards and he goes mad with power.

Trude:
Well, Graham's the same. Power, power, power. They love it!

Prue:
I know, they're all arseholes. And did I tell you? All those lovely Whiteleys he gave me for my birthday have had to go back to the National Gallery.

Trude:
Ohh!

Prue:
I know.

Trude:
So how are you living? Hand to mouth?

Prue:
Absolutely. Adrian is still trading, though, through his secret Swiss accounts.

Trude:
Mmm.

Prue:
But, you know, I'm just glad I'm working. That's for sure.

Trude:
Yes. You're two hours a week here must really help the coffers.

Prue:
Mmm. They do.

[first lines]

Brett Craig:
Well, I didn't think it'd go this far. It's like I've been possessed or something.

Kelly:
What about Kim?

Brett Craig:
Don't worry about Kim.

Kim Day Craig:
[Kath is walking around Fountain Lakes Shopping Centre with a Christmas tree] Mum, why'd you have to get the tree first?

Kath Day Knight:
Because, Kim, if I'd left it any later I would've only got a bendy one. Oh! Look! Let's go in there. I wanna get my table decor.

Kath Day Knight:
Oh, hello. Do you sell Chrissie-themed serviettes?

Trude:
No. We sell napkins, but you'll need to go to manchester.

Kath Day Knight:
Manchester? Really?

Trude:
Down the back. Napery.

Kim Day Craig:
Same to you!

Trude:
Now, Prue, I hate to talk work, but this morning we've got that awful guy from Blanco.

Prue:
Oh, no! He's so Miele-mouthed. He always talks Bosch.

Trude:
I know. He makes me want to Gaggenau.

Prue:
[laughs] Oh, Trude. Me too. [sees Kath and Kim and gasps] Oh, no. I see faux fur's back.

Trude:
Ohh! What is she doing down there?

Prue:
I know. And with her tree. Don't you think she could get it delivered?

Trude:
I don't think they deliver where she lives.

Prue:
Oh, Trude, you're dreadful. You're dreadful. [they both laugh]

Kim Day Craig:
Oh, look, Mum. Another present I got for Epponnee. It's the bath book version of "The Da Vinci Code".

Kath Day Knight:
[laughs] Ohh!

Kim Day Craig:
Look. It squeaks when you press the albino.

Kath Day Knight:
[eating a banana] Gee, one day, I'd like to be a franchisee, Kim.

Kim Day Craig:
Yeah, well, you look more like a chimpanzee today.

Kath Day Knight:
What? Don't be stupid, Kim. I do not.

Kim Day Craig:
It's my Tan-In-A-Can spray. It's nice, isn't it?

Kath Day Knight, Sharon Strzelecki:
Yes, it's nice, it's different, it's unsual.

Kath Day Knight:
Oh, Kim! Look, it's not Brett's fault If you're gonna blame anybody, blame John Howard.

Kim Day Craig:
Have you got partner shame, Brett? When have I ever embarrassed you? When? Just tell me. One time.

Sharon Strzelecki:
Um, actually, Kim, you know, there was that last drinks. Remember? When Brett was trying to impress that big client from Samsung? And you came up and your top fell off. When you were blind.

Kim Day Craig:
I was not blind and that was a wardrobe malfunction.

Kim Day Craig:
Mum, can I have a giant Wonka Bar?

Kath Day Knight:
No you can't.

Kim Day Craig:
Please? I haven't had anything all day.

Kath Day Knight:
No, you just had a packet of Nerds, Kim.

Kim Day Craig:
Oh, you're so mean. I'm starving. Please!

Kath Day Knight:
No!

Kim Day Craig:
Please!

Kath Day Knight:
I said no!

Kim Day Craig:
Ohh! I hate you!

Kath Day Knight:
Kimmy. Kim, look at me, please. Look at me. [growls] Look at me! Now, I've got one word to say to you, Kim. Oh, yes, alright.

Kath Day Knight:
Kim! Bite your tongue or I'll come over there and bite it for you.

Kath Day Knight:
Now, I'm gonna provide all the bread sticks, and Kel and I are turkey and chook respectively.

Kim Day Craig:
That sounds about right.

Kath Day Knight:
And I'm going all free-range this year. Oh, God, with the way my hormones are at the moment, I do not want to be ingesting anymore.

Kath Day Knight:
Oh, Sharon, love, no, you can't use the computer yet. I'm still downloading Michael Bubl? to my iPod Mini. Oh, I've been looking up his back catalogue all morning, Sharon. It's huge.

Sharon Strzelecki:
Oh, thanks, Mrs. D. Can I crack open the Tia Maria and put on some footy franks?

Kim Day Craig:
So tell me, Kim. What's all the goss? What's been happening around here.

Kath Day Knight:
Brett's had a big promotion.

Kim Day Craig:
Oh, really? What?

Kath Day Knight:
Yeah. He's been moved sideways. Yeah, so the pressure's really on me now. You wouldn't know what it's like to be married to a very successful guy.

Kim Day Craig:
Oh, wouldn't I? [points to Kel] What do you call this here eating his yoghurt and moosli. So tell me, what's the promotion.

Kelly:
Goodnight, Brett.

Brett Craig:
Merry Christmas, Kelly.

Kelly:
Brett. [he kisses her]

Kel Knight:
That really is nice toast. Is that sour dough?

Kelly:
Well, that's good that I know now. Because I really need you to spend the night with me, Brett.

Kel Knight:
Gee, your trap's tight, sweets.

Kath Day Knight:
Yeah, I know. Loosen it up for me, will you?

Kel Knight:
[Epponnee cries while Kel is watching "Meet The Fockers"] Come on, Epps. It's a good film. It's Barbra Streisand. We love Barbra Streisand. Yes, we do.

Kim Day Craig:
[pole dancing on a table] Whoo! Guys, I'm "Coyote Ugly"!

Man:
You've got that right love. [Kim screams as she falls off the table she's dancing on]

Kath Day Knight:
Oh, Kim, what did the Doctor say?

Kim Day Craig:
She said I've cricked my neck, and cracked my clack.

Kath Day Knight:
Oh, Kim.

Kath Day Knight:
[Kel is about to eat a sandwhich] Kel! Don't eat those. They're not for us, they're for The Wiggles. Can't you read?

Kel Knight:
No need to bite my head off. I might have one of these drinks.

Kath Day Knight:
No! They're Rhonda Burchmore's Gatorades.

Yellow Wiggle:
G'day, mate. We're a bit lost.

Purple Wiggle:
And we've lost Anthony. Have you seen him?

Kel Knight:
No. Who's Anthony?

Red Wiggle:
He's the Blue Wiggle. Stage management said they'd be some sandwiches here for us. Have you seen them?

Kel Knight:
[defensively] No.

Rhonda Burchmore:
Hey, Darl, can you give me a hand with my zip?

Kel Knight:
Oh, sorry, Rhonda. Tuna hands.

Kath Day Knight:
[walking into Michael Bubl?'s dressing room] Oh, gee, this is big, isn't it? [seeing the toilet] Oh, you've got your own toot!

Kim Day Craig:
[gasps] There's Santa. I got such a vibe from him the other day.

Rove McManus:
Rhonda Burchmore, ladies and Gentlemen. And now will you please welcome, the one and only Mr. Michael Bubl?, and the mature age students from the Jazzy Bee Dance Studio with "Sway".

Sharon Strzelecki:
[trying on a wedding dress] What do you think, Kim? It's a bit tight. I can't walk very well. I can hobble, though. Oh, jeez, Kim, I really love it.

Kim Day Craig:
Oh, my God!

Sharon Strzelecki:
I know. It's really nice, isn't it?

Kim Day Craig:
Oh, that is so funny. [laughs] Wear that, Sharon. Wear that.

Sharon Strzelecki:
I don't want to look funny, Kim. I want to look pretty.

Kim Day Craig:
Oh, come on, Sharon. You're never gonna look pretty.

Sharon Strzelecki:
Could you tell me the correct time, please?

Trude:
Six forty five in the morning.

Sharon Strzelecki:
I've been up shopping all night. I'm getting married.

Trude:
[on the phone] Mmm... Completely over the limit? What, not a cent?... No, it looks about right... No, I'm happy to... Thank you... Bye bye... [hangs up] The bank's instructed me to do this to your credit card. And that comes in a cute complimentary Christmas box. Thank you. Bye-bye.

Brett Craig:
Well, it looks like we're both in the doghouse now, eh, Kel?

Brett Craig:
I've gotta go to work.

Kel Knight:
What? On Christmas Day?

Brett Craig:
New workplace agreements, Kel.

Kath Day Knight:
Oh, bloody Howard! I bet he's not working on Christmas Day.

Kim Day Craig:
Who?

Kath Day Knight:
[after taking the Christmas turkey out of the oven] Oh, no. Oh, it's still completely frozen in the middle! Oh, how can that be? Ohh! Ow! [goes to put it in the microwave but burns her hands and drops the turkey on the kitchen floor] Oh! Oh!

Kath Day Knight:
Can you hear someone outside, Kel? [dramatic choral music plays] It's the albino, Kel! It's John Monk! What's he doing here? He's coming inside!

Kel Knight:
Oh, Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

Kath Day Knight:
What?

Kel Knight:
The code, Kath. I've just realised. All the signs were there. I've cracked it, Kath!

Kath Day Knight:
Yeah, I think I have to, Kel!

Kel Knight:
No, I've cracked the code. The Da Vinci Code. Listen, it's like a puzzle. First, there was the car that nearly ran over me. Then there was the slashed painting.

Kath Day Knight:
And our names, Kel. I've always thought. Kel Knight, Knight's Templar. And Kath Day - Opus Dei.

Kel Knight:
And now John Monk has come here to kill us, just like in the end of "The Da Vinci Code".

Kath Day Knight:
Is that what happened in the end? Because I didn't finish it! I lost interest! Oh, no! [screams]

John Monk:
Have you cracked the code yet?

Kel Knight:
Yes. And you're going to kill us!

John Monk:
No, no. I'm not. You haven't read the clues properly. You haven't worked it out, have ya? Where is that painting?

Kath Day Knight:
The painting? It's there.

Kel Knight:
So each number corresponds to a letter of the alphabet?

Kath Day Knight:
And it spells out the magic word: "Franchisee"? Well, what does that mean?

John Monk:
It means that I want to offer you and Kel the Da Vinci Code Tour franchise.

Kel Knight:
So John, why are you selling the franchise?

John Monk:
It's hair dressers orders, really. I'm not really an albino.

Kel Knight, Kath Day Knight:
Oh.

John Monk:
[chuckles] No, this is peroxide.

Kel Knight, Kath Day Knight:
Oh.

John Monk:
Amazing, isn't it? Vidal says that if I'm not careful, this, this could turn into one great big dried-up frizzy old perm.

Kath Day Knight:
Oh, that'd be awful wouldn't it? You wouldn't want one of those. Anyway, John, would you like to stay for tea?

John Monk:
Well, what is it?

Kath Day Knight:
Yeah? Oh, we're just going to have some seafood, some left over seafood.

John Monk:
Australian seafood. Very nice.

Kath Day Knight:
Yeah, I've got a nice piece of extender there, haven't I? And we've got the Chicken Tonight, that we didn't have today, that we can have tonight.

Kel Knight:
So, John, what do you think of Australia?

Kath Day Knight:
Oh, yes! Tell us. Be honest, be honest.

Kim Day Craig:
It's the best place in the world, isn't it?

John Monk:
Well to be perfectly frank with you, I was a little disappointed in Edithvale, and Aspendale and, to some extent, Mordialloc. But once I got past Parkdale and into the Golden Mile, oh, I was blown away.

Kim Day Craig:
Oh, yeah.

John Monk:
I mean, with IKEA on one side, and Ray's Tent City ad Barbecues Galore on the other, it doesn't get much better than that.

Kim Day Craig:
No, it's fantastic.

Kath Day Knight:
It doesn't, indeed.

Kath Day Knight:
What? I didn't do anything, it's my aphrodisiac.

Kath Day Knight:
Gee, he's an Australian icon isn't he?

Kim Day Craig:
Yep.

Kath Day Knight:
And she's an Icon.

Kim Day Craig:
Mm-hm.

Kath Day Knight:
He's an icon.

Kim Day Craig:
He's not an icon. He's just a con.

Kath Day Knight:
Huh?

Kim Day Craig:
Oh, The Wiggles. They're icons.

Kath Day Knight:
Yeah. Oh, Kim, did I tell you? When they sang "Hot Potato" at Carols, I went off, literally.

Kim Day Craig:
Eww! I'm more a Hooley Dooley girl, myself. Sharon likes The Wiggles.

Kath Day Knight:
Kim, did I tell you Sharon and Marriot are back on together?

Kim Day Craig:
Well, how does that work?

Kath Day Knight:
Oh, you know. Relationships, Kim. I mean, you just don't know what goes on behind closed doors, do you? She's obviously pushing his buttons, and he's pushing hers right back. I think it's beautiful and it works for them, doesn't it?

Kim Day Craig:
[Kim's mobile phone beeps] Oh, I've just got another naughty text from Brett. Listen to this. "Meet me down the back in PlayStations in five minutes". I mean, how does he expect me to get to Fountain Gate in five minutes.

Kath Day Knight:
Oh, gee, he's keen, Kim.

Kim Day Craig:
He is.

Kath Day Knight:
You go, girl.

Kim Day Craig:
Yeah, in a minute.

[last lines]

Kim Day Craig:
Jeez, Mum, you look huge in that shirt. You look like Jordan.

Kath Day Knight:
Oh, I wish. No, they're my chicken fillet falsies, Kim. I just rinsed off the Chicken Tonight and popped them back in.

Kim Day Craig:
One looks bigger than the other.

Kath Day Knight:
Oh, yeah. That's because John Monk ate the left one. But it's okay. I'm naturally much bigger on that side anyway. So I think it balances out. Isn't it amazing, Kim, that my franchisee dream finally came true? Can you believe John Monk sold us his business?

Kim Day Craig:
How did you pay for that?

Kath Day Knight:
In kind.

Kim Day Craig:
Oh, that sounds nice.

Kath Day Knight:
Yeah, it was nice.

Kim Day Craig:
Mmm. You know, Mum, evidently, "The Da Vinci Code" has been proven to be completely untrue.

Kath Day Knight:
Yes, Kim, I know that. I'm not stupid. But the second one, you know, "Da Vinci Code Two: G'Day Leonardo", they show that that is absolutely 'istorically correct. And what a boon for us that it's set right here in ye olde Melbourne. I can't believe it!

Kim Day Craig:
Still gotta get something good for Brett [for Christmas] . You know, he's really into labels now... Dulcie and Kabanna, Tony Hellfinger, Louise Futon.

Kim Day Craig:
I gotta go and get your present.

Kath Day Knight:
Where? Where are you going?

Kim Day Craig:
I'll be in the $2 shop.

Kath Day Knight:
How's it going, Sharon? Have you met anybody yet?

Sharon Strzelecki:
Oh, no, not really, Mrs. D. Just a couple of lukewarm nibbles.

Kath Day Knight:
Oh well, whatever you do, love, don't put your photo up.

Sharon Strzelecki:
I already have. Why? Do you think it would put people off?

Kath Day Knight:
Oh, no Sharon. You've got a very pretty face. It wasn't full-length, though, was it?

Sharon Strzelecki:
Oh, why can't I meet someone like Shane?

Kim Day Craig:
Who?

Sharon Strzelecki:
Shane! Shane Warne. I'm reading his newie. 'SMS: A Cry for help'. Oh, he's such a spunk!

Kim Day Craig:
Can't see it myself. Why do you like Warnie so much?

Sharon Strzelecki:
Well, he's not choosy at all, so I figure I'd be in with a chance. I mean, he pretty much goes for anything on two legs. And I have them.

Trude:
Do you hate me?

Prue:
I'm reading Martha Stewart's newie. Have you read it?

Trude:
No.

Prue:
Oh, it's great. It's called '101 Things To Do Inside' and it's got it all, you know. Like it's got 'Petit Point for Petty Crims', which is great. And this is great. It's 'Country Craft for Crafty... ' Can I help you?

Kim Day Craig:
That's it, Brett. I want a divorce. D-I-V-O-R-S-E!

Kim Day Craig:
You know, Brett, it's one thing to crack onto someone else, but what's hurt me more deeply than I can say is that you'd chase someone as foul as Kelly!

Brett Craig:
Kim, you're acting crazy!

Kim Day Craig:
No, Brett. For the first time in my life I'm acting rashly. Oh, and don't bother going home tonight, Brett. It's over. Finished. Burrito!

Sharon Strzelecki:
I'm getting married!

Kim Day Craig:
What? Married? Are you doing this to spite me?

Kim Day Craig:
[at a dance studio] Sharon! What have you come as?

Sharon Strzelecki:
Well, this is my Polish national costume, Kim. Why?

Kim Day Craig:
No, I said "pole dancing".

Sharon Strzelecki:
Yeah, well, I'm a Pole, Kim. Strezlecki.

Kim Day Craig:
Oh, Mum! What a great costume!

Sharon Strzelecki:
Oh wow, Mrs D. You look hilarious. You're gonna win for sure. Where'd you get that?

Kath Day Knight:
[Wearing an over-the-top 80's style pink outfit] Oh, from my wardrobe, Sharon. Costume?

Kim Day Craig:
Yeah, it's an 80's party.

Kath Day Knight:
Oh, no! Nobody told me. I would have put something funny on!

Santa:
Ho, ho, ho!

Kim Day Craig:
Thank you, Santa. I am!

Michael Bubl?:
Thanks for your help back there, Kath. You're obviously an old pro from way back.

Kath Day Knight:
Oh, right back at you, mister.

Michael Bubl?:
Kath, remember. Save the last dance for me.

Sharon Strzelecki:
That's it, Kim! I've had enough! I'm not putting up with any more of your abuse. I've done everything for you. I've put my career on hold. I could have been anything if I'd had the talent. But instead, I have come around to your house every single day and been your escape goat. Well, I have got some home truths for you, Kimberley Diane Craig nee Day. You are not a hornbag! And in fact, you look a whole lot older than what you say you are. And look around, Kimmy! Guys are not lining up to eat putty out of your hand!

Kim Day Craig:
So what are you saying, Sharon? They're eating putty out of my hand in my head?

Sharon Strzelecki:
Unlike me, Kim, you can't even get anyone. Not even Brett.

Kim Day Craig:
Thin ice, Sharon.

Sharon Strzelecki:
Since I've met Marriat, his love and support has given me the strength to stand up to you, Kim.

Kim Day Craig:
Marriat? Marriat? You haven't even met Marriat, Sharon!

Sharon Strzelecki:
TAKE THAT BACK! I am warning you Kim. If you say one more thing about Marriat, I swear I will kill you! Do you hear me? I WILL KILL YOU!

Kim Day Craig:
Bloody Sharon. I am not mean. Mummy's a hornbag, aren't I, Epponnee?

Epponnee Rae:
Nuh.

Kim Day Craig:
You little b... You said your first word! Say it again! Say it again!

Epponnee Rae:
Nuh.

John Monk:
Oh, this chicken is rubbery.

Kath Day Knight:
[In mock Japanese accent] Thank you, John-san. Thank you vely mush.

John Monk:
No, I mean it. It really is rubbery!

Kath Day Knight:
Oh no! They're not chicken breasts. They're mine! They're my chicken fillet falsies!

Kath Day Knight:
Oh Sharon, is everything alright?

Sharon Strzelecki:
No, not really.

Kim Day Craig:
Where's Marriat?

Sharon Strzelecki:
Marriat is nowhere. He's nowhere and nothing. Turns out that I fell in love with a piece of spam. After he didn't turn up at the airport, I went to an Internet cafe. And I discovered that Marriat - my beautiful, gentle, smart, funny Marriat - is nothing more than a blog. An Internet address. marryat.com. A site that's been offering to marry women all around the world... But, you know, the weird thing is, Mrs D, I still love him!

Sharon Strzelecki:
[Sharon has just announced that she is getting married] Kim, I am a bit nervous about the wedding night, I really want to surprise him.

Kim Day Craig:
I know what would really surprise this guy on your wedding night is if you did pole dancing

Sharon Strzelecki:
Oh yes! I reckon i'd be really good at that!

Kim Day Craig:
Everyone's doing it

Sharon Strzelecki:
Really?

Kim Day Craig:
Yeah. I could teach you... but we might be better to go to someone who knows how to do it.

Kath Day Knight:
And did I show you this, Kim? I got it in Milan. Can you believe it? They've got an Oz Knits outlet in Milan! And these are all the rave in Europe. And I got... for Epponnee, for little Epps... Look what I got for you, darling. Isn't this cute? [hands Kim a baby t-shirt] "My grandma went on the Da Vinci Code Tour and all got was this lousy t-shirt".

Kim Day Craig:
I really like that. I could fit into that. I might wear that.

Kel Knight:
The albino's the chap who runs the whole Da Vinci Code Tour. A fellow by the name of John Monk.

Kath Day Knight:
Yeah, he was nice. But he was funny, wasn't he? Not funny ha-ha, funny weird.

Kel Knight:
Mmm... Oh, he's raking it in though.

Kath Day Knight:
Yeah.

Kel Knight:
How long have these osso bucos been sitting here?

Kim Day Craig:
I just bought them yesterday.

Kel Knight:
Well, you can't be leaving meat out in this weather.

Kim Day Craig:
[quietly mocking Kel] "Can't be leaving meat out in this weather".

Kath Day Knight:
Yeah, it was sorta like "The Amazing Race", Kim. You know that TV show?

Kim Day Craig:
Sounds boring.

Kel Knight:
Oh, no, wasn't boring. They even had an orgy in a crypt one night after tea, didn't they Kath?

Kath Day Knight:
Ohh! It was so real, Kim. It was amazing how it was done. I've got a photo of it here.

Kim Day Craig:
Eww! If it was so awesome, how come you're home early?

Kel Knight:
Oh, as it happens, at our last stop, we were supposed to be staying with this direct descendant of Jesus'.

Kath Day Knight:
Yeah. He runs a B&B with his wife Kerry. Kim, he was such a phony.

Kel Knight:
Oh, you could clearly see he had a stick-on beard.

Kath Day Knight:
Yeah. So we just... we just left. You know, we'd seen enough.

Kath Day Knight:
[smelling a tub of yoghurt] No, it's fine, Kel. It's fine. It's not off. Yoghurt smells like that.

Kath Day Knight:
[to Kel] You look just like Todd McKenney.