Dave's Old Porn

Dave Attell:
And that is very hard, to get a chubber after you see somebody slit their wrists, you know, in a tub.

Adam Carolla:
[about Harry Reems] So he's a jew, huh?

Dave Attell:
Yep.

Adam Carolla:
Oh, his parents are so pissed off.

Adam Carolla:
I know, right? Why did he go into this instead of just gynecology. I mean, he was so close...

Dave Attell:
[referring to a large bottle on screen] Back in the Seventies, Champagne was cheap and giant.

Adam Carolla:
What they arguing about?

Dave Attell:
They need a bigger boat for all the overacting.

Dave Attell:
I love a shower orgy. Have you ever been in one of those?

Amy Schumer:
I have not.

Dave Attell:
Ever f***ed a homeless guy in the rain?

Amy Schumer:
Yeah.

Dave Attell:
Ok, close.

Dave Attell:
That girl's more pig than tail, if you ask me. [Amy laughs]

Amy Schumer:
Eh, lets do that again, but I wanna say it. [Dave howls with laughter]

Amy Schumer:
That was a great movie.

Dave Attell:
It's only gonna get better. Guess who's here?

Amy Schumer:
My real dad?

Dave Attell:
Aaaaw-kward.

Dave Attell:
This is great. 'Cause you know what I love in porn? Legal stuff.

Robert Kerman:
I love they way I do that!

Amy Schumer:
She's the boss, apple sauce!

Amy Schumer:
That guy cums like a Smurf.

Dave Attell:
Hello, real b*obs!

Amy Schumer:
It's nice to see real b*obs.

Dave Attell:
Isn't it?

Amy Schumer:
Yeah.

Dave Attell:
It's like seeing an American indian. It makes you want to do something good, like recycle.

Amy Schumer:
[interrupting] Gamble.

Dave Attell:
Oh, better!

Dave Attell:
Here's something you don't see much anymore: using a woman as a table.

Amy Schumer:
Yeah, we gotta bring it back.

Robert Kerman:
[serious] We were signing contracts.

Dave Attell:
Wow, this is like Pornstars meets Antique Roadshow meets hardon in my pants. This is great. [Amy laughs]

Robert Kerman:
I'm enjoying my acting. Shut up.

Amy Schumer:
Yeah. [laughs more]

Dave Attell:
Is it harder to watch yourself act, or to watch yourself fu...

Robert Kerman:
[interrupting] No, I like to watch myself act.

Amy Schumer:
Woah.

Dave Attell:
Is it harder to let me finish a sentence?

Robert Kerman:
Yeah.

Dave Attell:
God, I wanna throw her into a pile of black men.

Artie Lange:
Look at those torpedo's as we used to say in New Jersey.

Dave Attell:
She is so hot, do you think- how many guys locked up do you think have like a tattoo of her on their back, doing pull-ups somewhere?

Artie Lange:
Well, I've been in a lock up, I can tell you: in L.A. County it's exactly 14 guys.

Dave Attell:
[Dave laughs] Hooray for Artie.

Artie Lange:
And the rest of them have tattoos of Speedy Gonzalez.

Dave Attell:
Look at her Cheeching his Chong.

Dave Attell:
Guys, thanks so much for coming on the show, you guys are amazing.

Artie Lange:
I came on the show four times.

Dave Attell:
Now was that a fourway?

Artie Lange:
What that was, was fantastic entertainment.

Dave Attell:
You're right. Moving forward.

Vanessa del Rio:
I've never seen this movie.

Dave Attell:
You never have?

Vanessa del Rio:
No.

Dave Attell:
It's called 'Aphrodesia's Diary.

Vanessa del Rio:
[interrupting] Yeah, I know, I know what it is, I just...

Dave Attell:
[interrupting] I know, I'm just trying to be the host here.

Dave Attell:
Give us the do's and don't of eh, making love to a little person. [small chuckle] Go ahead.

Vanessa del Rio:
They're just no different, they're just short.

Artie Lange:
They're insanely different.

Vanessa del Rio:
[talking about midget buttocks] It's a pot-butt.

Dave Attell:
Well, but that's where the treasure's hidden.

Dave Attell:
I guess that would be a 'bacial' - a back facial, right? I don't know what you'd call it, but, eh, you know...

Artie Lange:
[laughing] A bacial!

Dave Attell:
Eh, I don't know what you'd call it?

Vanessa del Rio:
A cum-shot.

Dave Attell:
A cum-shot, basically.

Artie Lange:
You call it rude, where I'm from.

Dave Attell:
[referring to John Holmes] It's not really a penis, it's an event.

Dave Attell:
There's nothing better than a foreign cum face, 'cause you know, it's backed up with health care. He's like: 'Ah! I have no worries, I can go to the doctor, I'm fine'.

Kristina Rose:
She's got some DSL for sure.

Dave Attell:
Wha- what's that?

Kristina Rose:
Dick Sucking Lips.

Dave Attell:
Oh, ok.

Dave Attell:
[watching a reverse piledriver] It looks like he's trying to find his keys in her a**hole.

Dave Attell:
Yeah, that's a Rusty Trombone with a side order of... what?

Kristina Rose:
A side order of... [thinks for a moment]... awesome!

Dave Attell:
Ah, my favorite part of any movie: the montage.

Dave Attell:
[watching The Ultimate Lover] What's that oozing sh*t? Did he fingerblast a leprechaun? What kind of a bender was it?

Nina Hartley:
You do sex properly, it's a good workout. As you know. Ehm, I just can't...

Dave Attell:
No I don't. It's funny that you went to me, no, I don't know. Is that a workout? Usually my hand is tired, and then I'm hungry.

Dave Attell:
[watching a scene from Rub Down] As you can tell from his moustache, he's a private investigator, and he lives in the Marina or something, and, eh, this happens to him every day, so, he's not excited about it.

Chelsea Handler:
I don't know why you always have to yell at me when we watch porn...

Dave Attell:
[laughs] I'm sorry. It's the only thing that makes me feel alive.

Dave Attell:
The penis-tank is running amok!

Dave Attell:
That's fro on bush, which I think is illegal.

Dave Attell:
Check out that, eh, bench. What kind of wood do you think that is?

Greg Fitzsimmons:
All I know is: the Amish made it, but they never f***ed on it.

Dave Attell:
This is why I love Sharon Kane. Look at that hair. Look at that long, down to her beautiful ass. And she's wearing a pair of, I guess she is a superhero, I've never seen panties like that.

Greg Fitzsimmons:
Yeah, they talk about the drug use of the performers, what about the drug use of the make-up artists on these films?

Jim Norton:
Ah, one bad moustache after another. I love these old flicks.

Dave Attell:
Well, that was the best part about it, and sideburns ruled the day.

Jim Norton:
Yes.

Dave Attell:
'Cause sideburns are the balls of the face, and as you can see, this guy has some heavy duty balls.

Jim Norton:
Seka deserves a lot better than what Paul Thomas is giving her right there.

Dave Attell:
I though he would have really swung right into something fancy like an Angry Manatee or a, you know, a Limping Penguin.

Dave Attell:
Have you ever been laid by a midget?

Jim Norton:
No, I've never even spoken to one. I'm afraid it's catchy.

Dave Attell:
[watching a scene from Prisoner of Paradise] This guy's talking to a picture of Hitler. It's hard to keep a hard on, but you know...

Jim Norton:
It's hard not to get one!

Joe Rogan:
[watching Ginger Lynn massage a man on screen] Look at that youthful body, too, my God.

Dave Attell:
I know, he's amazing. Oh, sorry.

Joe Rogan:
What?

Joe Rogan:
I love the trend in the Eighties where girls would wear like sweatbands on the head...

Dave Attell:
On their head?

Joe Rogan:
...the headband.

Joe Rogan:
Well, to keep all those amazing thoughts in.

Ginger Lynn:
I'm actually nervous between you two.

Dave Attell:
Why? You've never been between two horny guys...

Ginger Lynn:
I know, but I'm...

Dave Attell:
...on an old smelly couch? [the all laugh]

Ginger Lynn:
That's what it is: the couch is not nearly smelly enough.

Joe Rogan:
You're one of the all time greats. We were discussing this. Top three pornstars in the history of the universe, you're right there.

Dave Attell:
How did you feel about that?

Ginger Lynn:
Are you serious?

Joe Rogan, Dave Attell:
Yeah.

Ginger Lynn:
Top three?

Dave Attell:
Yeah.

Joe Rogan:
Top three of all time.

Ginger Lynn:
Shall I go like this? [opens her mouth wide in mock surprise]

Dave Attell:
[laughs] Top two, now.

Dave Attell:
[watching a clip from Panty Raid] Whoa, that's Ginger!

Joe Rogan:
That's Ginger.

Dave Attell:
Oh see, she got the lounge chair, you know why? 'cause she's the queen of that f***ing boat.

Joe Rogan:
Yeah, she'd already done some really strong work by then.

Dave Attell:
Let the rest of the skanks f*** on the poopdeck.

Dave Attell:
This is some retro... gems that I pulled out of my porn pile. They're kinda spooky, I think you're gonna like it.

Judah Friedlander:
Shall we hold hands or anything, or...?

Dave Attell:
I think we're going to be holding something.

Dave Attell:
[to Joanna Angel] Do you mind if I just enjoy that man's ass for a minute? Wow, be little more metro.

Dave Attell:
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?

Joanna Angel:
Is a rooftop weird? That's not that weird.

Dave Attell:
Come on, what is this, a Katherine Heigl movie?

Dave Attell:
He's pumping the evil into her.

Judah Friedlander:
Porno's and George Lucas have done more to create jobs for little people in the entertainment business than anyone else.

Dave Attell:
Well said. Moving forward.

Dave Attell:
Now, what's the one thing a guy doesn't want in his porn?

Joanna Angel:
Marriage.

Dave Attell:
A wedding scene!

Joanna Angel:
Yeah...

Dave Attell:
A wedding scene, his biggest fear.

Joanna Angel:
Unless it's a gangbang.

Dave Attell:
Yes! Porn Wisdom.

Joanna Angel:
And the husband's not in it.

Dave Attell:
Hmmm.

Dave Attell:
Do you like a talkie porn?

Rob Zombie:
Yeah, I only like the talking parts, actually, can we watch it?

Joanna Angel:
Virgins in porn don't turn me on. I don't like that, eh, fantasy, not my cup of tea.

Dave Attell:
Hm?

Joanna Angel:
I think people in porn should be, whores.

Dave Attell:
Have you ever seen Dracula make a phone call? [Joanna Angel bursts out laughing] I've never seen it.

Rob Zombie:
Who is this guy?

Dave Attell:
Rob, you have a lot of questions. I brought you on for answers. Come on, turn it on!

Judah Friedlander:
You can definately tell this chick has f***ed in coffins before. It's not like the first time.

Dave Attell:
Yeah, she's a coffin f***er.

Dave Attell:
I'm clapping this one out of my mind.

Dave Attell:
[watching a scene with a talkative Misty Regan] Is this her acceptance speech at the boring awards? Come on!

Kathy Griffin:
Oh wow.

Dave Attell:
Oh, she's talking to a dick like a plant.

Dave Attell:
[after Kathy Griffin reveals her age] 51 is the new 'get dressed and get out'. You are hot.

Kathy Griffin:
[about Tom Byron] He... he fell under the weight of his own hard on.

Dave Attell:
What do you think about anal bleaching? No, I mean as a baby name.

Kathy Griffin:
I don't like anal.

Dave Attell:
Why?

Kathy Griffin:
Ehm, I really think it hurts.

Dave Attell:
Emotionally, or... just can't walk the next day?

Kathy Griffin:
Emontional - no, there's nothing that huts me emotionally, only physically.

Kathy Griffin:
[watching a clip from Loose Times at Ridley High] Is he supposed to be the Janitor, I'm not sure.

Dave Attell:
Yes. Every girl's fantasy.

Kathy Griffin:
How different do real tits feel compared to fake tits?

Dave Attell:
It's like the difference between being adopted and loved. You know? Good?

Kathy Griffin:
That was a good one.

Dave Attell:
You talk about the Desperate Housewifes of whatever, Cock street, this is amazing. This is Balls on my Chin Avenue.

Herschel Savage:
There are no more vagina smells. It's, you know. And if there are, go to the doctor immediately.

Lisa Lampanelli:
Right.

Dave Attell:
Porn wisdom!

Herschel Savage:
[watching 'Expose Me Now'] This is definitely the best movie we ever did together, no doubt.

Ron Jeremy:
Eh... we did a couple of good ones. But this might be the one, yeah.

Dave Attell:
This is the one I have rights to, so it is the best one.

Dave Attell:
[about Herschel Savage] I must be half jew half donkey.

Dave Attell:
Welcome to Dave's Old Porn!

Marc Maron:
Oh my God, thanks for having me. I was looking forward to jerking off with you.

Marc Maron:
[watching the first clip with Christy Canyon] And those are like genuine, I think.

Dave Attell:
Genuine? I call them real.

Dave Attell:
Well fake b*obs are kinda like newscasters. They really only have like two expressions, you know, like really excited or really sad.

Marc Maron:
But either way, you think they're just acting.

Marc Maron:
That's a from behind finger blast, is that what you call it? You're the pro.

Dave Attell:
I call it the 'Cincinatti Hello.'

Marc Maron:
Oh, sure, sure, I, I always knew it as 'Cleveland', but whatever.

Dave Attell:
[Dave laughs] We both worked different clubs.

Dave Attell:
Yeah, but you can't trim an Armenian bush, it will make it rain and ruin the harvest. Doesn't this guy know gypsy... legends?

Christy Canyon:
I hope you don't look at every girl's p*ssy the same.

Dave Attell:
Sometimes I look at it, sometimes I giggle in it, sometimes I pray to it.

Christy Canyon:
Who are you dating?

Dave Attell:
This is a common theme in porn, ok.

Marc Maron:
What, the guy with the belt?

Dave Attell:
The lonely, super hot chick and the two, like working men come in. It's never like a scientist and a mime, you know?

Dave Attell:
[watching a threeway] Which guy do you most relate to, here?

Marc Maron:
The guy holding the camera?

Dave Attell:
I rela- [bursts out laughing] F*** it, you grabbed it, dude. Excellent one. Marc Maron is here, everybody, is here.

Christy Canyon:
The girls are definitely fun, but I've always been into guys more than girls. But I love girls! They're beautiful.

Marc Maron:
Guys have c*cks.

Dave Attell:
That was my nickname in High School: a hairy a**hole.

Dave Attell:
I thought that was the name of a rapper, Ah So Boss Man.

Adrianne Curry:
Thanks for having me, considering I haven't done nothing great in the community of pornography, but...

Dave Attell:
Oh, please, you've launched a million loads. Guys love you.

Dave Attell:
Look at these dirty, filthy hippies. Ugh, disgusting.

Adrianne Curry:
Oh my God, the space in that chick's teeth. She could smile and suck a dick.

Dave Attell:
What do you think of this guy? He's blond, but his beard is... dark.

Sean Michaels:
It, his beard is... is... wow.

Dave Attell:
Something scared him, or he's from Finland.

Asa Akira:
[Watching 'Little French Maid'] The acting's better.

Dave Attell:
You think?

Asa Akira:
Yeah, I think so.

Dave Attell:
Well I guess they had more time to act since they weren't shaving their boxes, right?

Dave Attell:
These guys all look Norwegian. And by that I mean: I think they're bi.

Adrianne Curry:
They're, they're gonna double penetrate here.

Dave Attell:
Three-eyed turtle. Every hole. Nice.

Asa Akira:
Like, I feel so bad for that you'll never know how a DP feels.

Dave Attell:
What? I might go to prison.

Asa Akira:
No, but you don't have a vagina.

Dave Attell:
Oh. Yet...

Adrianne Curry:
But, I thought this was supposed to like to get you off. This whole scene right here is kinda drying my vagina up.

Adrianne Curry:
It feels like I'm watching my dad have sex.

Dave Attell:
Oh wow, fast forward.

Dave Attell:
What did you say, the primordial ooze?

Kayden Kross:
Yes.

Dave Attell:
Someone goes to school online. Holy... watch out, professor!

Adrianne Curry:
You know, most d*cks in porn are nice, and then the one that aren't are there for us to just laugh at.

Sean Michaels:
[choosing between a European and an American orgy scene] For me, the, the, the European orgy, by far.

Dave Attell:
Dude, you're being too nice. 'Cause you know, this orgy is followed by a very long political discussion.

Kayden Kross:
I do that in the orgies, actually: I can tell who was on the dick last.

Dave Attell:
Wow, you can smell it? Hm.

Jesse Jane:
Hm-hm.

Kayden Kross:
It's not a bad thing.

Jesse Jane:
Everybody has a distinct smell.

Kayden Kross:
Everybody has a smell.

Dave Attell:
Really?

Jesse Jane:
They do.

Dave Attell:
Oh, nice.

Kayden Kross:
Yeah, It's like a fingerprint.

Dave Attell:
We gotta get you guys working at airport security. You guys have like these amazing like sixth, seventh sense.

Kayden Kross:
We're like detectives.

Asa Akira:
That's something I've learned in porn.

Dave Attell:
Yeah?

Asa Akira:
That there's, there's a little bit more in there.

Dave Attell:
There's always a little more.

Asa Akira:
Yeah.

Dave Attell:
Yeah. And of course, the jizz at the end, those are the slower kids.

Dave Attell:
Can you hear a boner crashing somewhere? [Whitney laughs] Wow... Whitney 'Bring 'em down' Cummings.

Dave Attell:
[commenting on a scene from 'Bad Girls'] What dungeon has a doorbell? That's what I want to know.

Whitney Cummings:
[laughs] I know, usually isn't it just a giant dragon?

Dave Attell:
'Ding-dong, welcome to Hell'.

Dave Attell:
[talking about Ron Jeremy] Do you think tourists come by and take pictures on top of his dick, like a cannon? Like a Civil War cannon?