Davy Crockett and the River Pirates

George Russel:
[first lines]

George Russel:
[slapping his own butt] Them Kentucky ants got a bite like an alligator.

Davy Crockett:
Sure ain't particular what they chaw on.

[Crockett and Russel approach Fink as the Gullywhumper is secured to the boat landing]

Davy Crockett:
Excuse me, mister? Which one of them fellers is captain of this boat?

Mike Fink:
What did you say?

Moose:
[laughing] He wants to know who the captain is!

[Fink smacks Moose]

Mike Fink:
How long you bush-wackers been beating the backwoods? Why, everybody knows who the captain of the Gullywhumper is! It's me! Mike Fink, King of the River!

George Russel:
Well, Captain, meet up with Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier.

Mike Fink:
Davy Crockett, huh? Well, it sure is a small world. You're about a foot shorter than you oughta be.

George Russel:
Don't worry, he's still a growin'.

Mike Fink:
Yeah, like them yarns they keep spreadin' about him.

Davy Crockett:
Mighty hard to live up to, sometime.

Mike Fink:
Well, I don't have any trouble livin' up to mine. I am the original ringtail roarer from the thunder 'n lightnin' country! I'm a real snorter and a head buster! I can out-run, out-jump, out-sing, out-swim, out-dance, out-shoot, out-eat, out-drink...

Davy Crockett:
Out-talk?

Mike Fink:
Yeah, out-talk, out-cuss and out-fight anybody in the Mississippi and Ohio Rivers put together!

[Russell feels something in his sleeping bag]

George Russel:
[whispering] Hey, Davy? Hey, Davy!

Davy Crockett:
Now what?

George Russel:
There's somethin' in bed with me.

Davy Crockett:
Kiss it goodnight and go to sleep.

[Russel lifts his blanket, revealing a skunk]

[singing]

Mike Fink:
Listen to the thunder, hear the winds roar, hurricane's a comin', board up the door. Load up the cannon, call out the law, worstest calamity that folks ever saw! Girls run and hide, brave men shiver, I'm Mike Fink, King of the River!

[Crockett and Russel approach Cobb on the boat landing]

George Russel:
Howdy there.

Cap'n Cobb:
Howdy.

George Russel:
This your boat?

Cap'n Cobb:
Yep. Bertha Mae, out of Marietta.

Davy Crockett:
Sounds like a race horse.

Cap'n Cobb:
Pretty hard to beat if she's handled right.

Davy Crockett:
Which way you goin', upriver or down?

Cap'n Cobb:
Ain't goin' no place right now.

George Russel:
Barrel's marked for New Orleans.

Cap'n Cobb:
That's right. But my crew up an' deserted me.

Davy Crockett:
What'd they do that for?

Cap'n Cobb:
Heard about the Injuns.

Davy Crockett:
Didn't know there was any Injun trouble around here.

Cap'n Cobb:
Oh, not here. Downriver somewhere. Other side of Shawnee Town. Them red devils is attackin' everything, flatboats loaded with settlers, even on keelboats. Got so bad, nobody'd sign on.

George Russel:
Injuns don't seem to be scarin' off Mike Fink none.

Cap'n Cobb:
Ah, him and them Pittsburgh pole pushers of his ain't human enough to be scared!

[Fink sees the Bertha Mae crew singing]

Mike Fink:
Look at them clodhoppers, wouldja.

[Jocko kicks Moose to wake him up]

Moose:
Was I snoring again?

Jocko:
On your feet! They're catchin' up!

Mike Fink:
Don't strain yourselves, boys. They ain't gonna catch us.

[the crew stumbles when the Gullywhumper hits an obstructive tree]

Mike Fink:
Hey, you stumble-footed idiots! What are trying to do, sink us to the bottom?

George Russel:
Hey Davy, we're still leading. We might just win this race.

Davy Crockett:
Now, Georgie, don't go skinnin' the bear before we shoot 'em.

[Jocko shares a glass with Russel, who never drinks]

Mike Fink:
Ah! That's kind of tasty, ain't it?

Davy Crockett:
That'd grow pink whiskers on a... [hiccups] That'd grow pink whiskers on a hound dog.

[just before the race begins]

Little Harpe:
Hey, Crockett, might as well give me them furs right now!

Sam Mason:
You ain't won 'em yet.

Little Harpe:
Well, if I don't, I'll eat my hat, red feather and all!

Davy Crockett:
One of these days that big blowhard's gonna get what's comin' to him.