Death Valley

Captain Dashell:
[Repeated line] Let's get out there and kill something!

Male Reporter #1:
[Title sequence] One year ago...

Female Narrator:
Vampires, Werewolves and Zombies,

Male Reporter #1:
Descended upon California's San Fernando Valley.

Male Reporter #2:
Authorities remain baffled by their origins.

Title Card:
These are the stories. Of the cops that capture the monsters. And the camera crew, that capture the cops. Death Valley.

Captain Dashell:
This is gibberish. Pretty sure he's on a morphine drip.

Captain Dashell:
Ah, women. You're so emotional.

Officer Joe Stubeck:
Captain, I have to agree with Carla on this one.

Captain Dashell:
Ah, men. You're like women.

Officer Joe Stubeck:
[after shooting zombie in the head] Anybody want a Choco Taco? [camera crew man vomits]

Officer Billy Pierce:
Not this guy.

Sound guy Rodney:
[Talking to the UTF officers] I got a few tips that will help you sound better on TV.

Captain Dashell:
Yeah well I've got a tip for you too Rodney, Alright? A little more than tip if you know what I mean. I can show a man what it's like to be a woman.

Officer Billy Pierce:
[after stabbing vampire pimp with a boom pole] You know what they say about boom poles don't you? You never hear em coming. [puts on sunglasses CSI Caruso style]

Captain Dashell:
What'd you do in Carefree? You don't look like a golfer.

Officer Kirsten Landry:
Actually I'm a 14 handicap.

Captain Dashell:
Means nothing to a zombie. You gonna kill a zombie with a golf club?

Officer Kirsten Landry:
Err, yeah! you wanna UMPH! destroy the brain, right?

Captain Dashell:
That's exactly right. Shoot em through the eyes, run em over with a truck, crush his head in with a crowbar.

Officer Kirsten Landry:
How's a crowbar different from a golf club?

Captain Dashell:
You ever try to get out of the sand with a crowbar?

Officer Joe Stubeck:
You enjoy lock-up Sofia. I'm gonna go home to my nice warm bed. Which I use for sleeping, not sex. You wanna know why? I'm a happily married man.

Captain Dashell:
What'd you do in Carefree? You don't look like a golfer.

Officer Kirsten Landry:
Actually I'm a 14 handicap.

Captain Dashell:
Means nothing to a zombie. You gonna kill a zombie with a golf club?

Officer Kirsten Landry:
Err, yeah. You wanna UMPH! destroy the brain, right?

Captain Dashell:
That's exactly right. Shoot em through the eyes, run em over with a truck, crush his head in with a crowbar.

Officer Kirsten Landry:
How's a crowbar different from a golf club?

Captain Dashell:
You ever try to get out of the sand with a crowbar?

Sofia:
[Sofia says something in spanish]

Officer Billy Pierce:
I'm sorry, I don't speak VAMPIRE!

Captain Dashell:
[Captain Dashell looks at Kirsten, pretends to press buttons on fax machine, then walks over] How have you been handeling everything we've thrown at you so far?

Officer Kirsten Landry:
Well I've been sitting at my desk for 4 hours

Captain Dashell:
I know that. I've been watching you... Not continually of course.

Officer Billy Pierce:
[In reference to fighting the undead] Do you wanna know why I do it?

Camera crew guy:
Do I have to?

Officer Billy Pierce:
[shows pornographic picture of two women] I do it for them.

Officer Joe Stubeck:
Let me see that! I said I do it for my family!

Officer Billy Pierce:
I've had this JPEG so long it's like they're my family. Technically I guess that makes it incest.

Captain Dashell:
[Sofia walks in] Well, well, well, if it isn't my favorite prostitute. I'm kidding, I don't have a favorite prostitute. Not in this country anyway.

Captain Dashell:
[about Kirsten] Now she's a rookie but i'm sure she's no stranger to zombies.

Officer Kirsten Landry:
Actually I've never seen one, in person.

Captain Dashell:
That's alright, it'll only take you about 2 hours around here to pop your cherry huh [hits Jon Jon on the shoulder]

Officer Kirsten Landry:
I would love to be up on the beat!

Captain Dashell:
In time Kristen, in time.

Officer Kirsten Landry:
It, it's actually um, it's pronounced Kirsten.

Captain Dashell:
What'd I say?

Officer Kirsten Landry:
Kristen.

Captain Dashell:
Say it your way?

Officer Kirsten Landry:
Kirsten.

Captain Dashell:
Ok I'm gonna be honest, I'm gonna have a little trouble with that. But anyway, Gurstin.

Officer Joe Stubeck:
[Going through Billy's phone] Man Billy's got a lot of porn on this thing.

Captain Dashell:
Inactive glands.

Officer Joe Stubeck:
Here's the part where they tell me to go to Griffith park with the body. Unarmed and alone

Captain Dashell:
Well I guess that's what you gotta do then.

Officer Joe Stubeck:
Seriously?

Captain Dashell:
They say what they'll do if you went there with backup?

Officer Joe Stubeck:
Yeah, they'll kill Billy.

Captain Dashell:
Well there you go then.

Officer Joe Stubeck:
I'm not going in without backup.

Captain Dashell:
Don't be such a girl.

Officer Joe Stubeck:
Alright everybody hands in the air!

Officer Billy Pierce:
[to Sofia] That means you vampire tits.

Gary the John:
This isn't what it looks like. I thought she was just a human prostitute.

Officer Billy Pierce:
[repeats what the John says in mocking voice] What are we in a cow pasture? Cause I smell bullshit.

Gary the John:
This isn't what it looks like. I thought she was just a human prostitute

Officer Billy Pierce:
[repeats what the John says in mocking voice] What are we in a cow pasture? Cause I smell bullshit.

Captain Dashell:
[Sofia walks in] Well, well, well, if it isn't my favorite prostitute. I'm kidding I don't have a favorite prostitute. Not in this country anyway.

Officer Joe Stubeck:
[Going through Billy's phone] Man Billy's got a lot of porn on this thing

Captain Dashell:
Inactive glands.