Diary of a Wimpy Kid

Greg Heffley:
OK, let me get something straight: This is a JOURNAL, not a diary. I know what it says on the cover, but when Mom went out to buy this thing I SPECIFICALLY told her to get one that didn't say "diary" on it. Great. All I need is some jerk to catch me carrying this book around and get the wrong idea.

Greg Heffley:
Anyway, when Rodrick gets First Prize tomorrow and passes Science, I just hope he realizes how lucky he is to have a brother like ME.

Greg Heffley:
Hey, have you ever noticed this freckle before?

Greg Heffley:
(doing a skit in Spanish) Estario parado omberguesa en mi ay-ay-ay!

Greg Heffley:
But like they say, a deal's a deal.

Greg Heffley:
Let me just say for the record I think middle school is the dumbest idea ever invented. You got kids like me who haven't hit their growth spurt yet mixed in with these gorillas who need to shave twice a day.

Manny Heffley:
Bubby fwowed wock at big window [sliding glass door].

Manny Heffley:
(making an excuse) I'm ownwy thwee!

Manny Heffley:
I'm sowwy, Bubby.

Manny Heffley:
(what he calls Greg) Bubby!

Manny Heffley:
Ploopy.

Manny Heffley:
Tingy.

Manny Heffley:
Would you wike some chokwits?

Frank Heffley:
(at a swim meet) Stop shivering, Greg!

Frank Heffley:
(to Manny) I think I just heard some grunting noises coming from the furnace room.

Frank Heffley:
What? I can't enjoy my music, too?

Frank Heffley:
I must be losing my marbles.

Frank Heffley:
Good luck with that!

Frank Heffley:
(To Rowley) The basement is off limits!

Frank Heffley:
(dies)

Susan Heffley:
You forgot your lunch at home!

Susan Heffley:
Did you do the right thing?

Susan Heffley:
Oh.

Susan Heffley:
That's not nice!

Susan Heffley:
Hi, honey bunches!

Susan Heffley:
(to Rodrick's band leader sticking out his tongue) I don't like that!

Rowley Jefferson:
Joshie says that you should respect your parents and follow your dreams!

Rowley Jefferson:
ZOO-WEE MAMA!

Rowley Jefferson:
I Hate Lilly

Rowley Jefferson:
Duh.

Rowley Jefferson:
[Sniff, sniff.] Heh, heh.

Fregley:
(when he has to pee) Juice! Juuuice!

Fregley:
Wanna see my "Secret Freckle"?

Fregley:
its got a hair in it

Fregley:
wanna help me name it.

Fregley:
(in letter form)

Fregley:
(Greg faints).

Fregley:
I bet you I can put your whole foot in my mouth!

Fregley:
(To Greg) I'll sign your sympathy sheet, Greg Heffley, if you let me have a look at that infection

Greg Heffley:
OK, first of all, let me get something straight, this is a journal, not a diary. Yeah, I know what it says on the cover, but when my mom went out to buy this thing, I specifically told her not to buy the thing that says "diary" on it. This just proves that Mom doesn't understand anything about kids my age.

Bully:
Sissy! [punches Greg]

Greg:
The only reason why I agreed to write in this thing, is because one day, when I'm rich and famous, I'll have better things to do than answer people's stupid questions all day long.

Reporter #1:
Gregory! Tell us about your childhood!

Reporter #2:
Were you always so smart and handsome?

Greg:
Here's my journal. Now shoo, shoo.

Susan Heffley:
That's our boy up there.

Frank Heffley:
Why did I ever say no to him?

Greg:
Rowley, if you had to say what you were ranked in terms of popularity from 1 to 200, where would you put yourself?

Rowley Jefferson:
Is 200 good or bad?

Greg:
I'd say you're somewhere around the 154 mark. I'd put myself around number 19 or 20. I might even have a shot at the top spot by the end of the year. If things will go the way I think they will.

Rowley:
Well, who's at the bottom?

Fregley:
Hey, guys! You wanna see my secret freckle? [lifts up his shirt]

Greg & Rowley:
EEEWWW!

Greg:
[narrating] Fregley, sent home for hygiene issues at least once a month.

Fregley:
Check it out. It's got a hair in it!

Angie Steadman:
It all starts in middle school, y'know. You're not a kid anymore, the coddling's stopped. Kids aren't separated by intelligence. The weak are picked on. The girls you've known since kindergarten won't even talk to you anymore.

Greg:
Okay, well it sounds like you've got it all figured out, so go back to your book.

Chirag Gupta:
STOP! Good God, man! You almost got the Cheese Touch!

Greg:
The what?

Chirag:
The Cheese Touch.

Angie:
Y'know, I like your point of view. You should sign up for the school paper. We are the voice of the people. Well, the people are mostly idiots so I guess technically speaking we're the voice of the people making fun of the people.

Teenager:
Hey, reflector dude, nice costume!

Rowley:
Thanks! My mom made it...

[Suddenly, the teenager in the back of the truck sprays a fire extinguister in Greg and Rowley's face]

Rowley:
Remember that secret language we made up last week?

[Flashback]

Greg:
[to Rowley, through walkie-talkie] Your-pa dad-pa smells-pa like-pa a woman-pa. [Greg and Rowley laugh, as Rowley's dad glares at them appalled]

[Present]

Rowley:
I think he cracked our code.

Why does Greg think high school is the dumbest idea ever invented?

"But for now I'm stuck in middle school, Surrounded by morons."

Greg:
We got to stay in this neighborhood the rest of the night.

Rowley:
That guy gave two full-size Snickers!

Greg:
Did I tell you or did I tell you? These people have money to burn. Can't believe we got this much candy. This is like the best day ever.

Teenager:
Hey, reflector dude, nice costume!

Rowley:
Thanks! My mom made it...

[Suddenly, the teenager in the back of the truck sprays a fire extinguister in Greg and Rowley's face]

Greg:
I saw your plates! We're calling the cops! [Teenagers' truck stops and starts to back up] Uh-oh.

Rowley:
Oh, boy.

Greg:
RUN!

Greg:
Fun?! That's the exact opposite of fun! This entire year has been terrible and nobody even cares! My family, my best friend. Well, I'm sick of it. Somebody needs to pay!

[Heffley garage, Rodrick and his bandmates are performing]

Susan:
[walks in] Rodrick. Rodrick! I need to talk to you. Inside, now.

[Greg peeks from behind the door as he watches]

Rodrick:
Go ahead and talk. We're a band. We have no secrets.

Susan:
Oh, okay. Fine. [holds up the magazine] What is this?

Rodrick:
It's not mine.

Susan:
It was in your backpack.

Rodrick:
No, it was in my room.

Susan:
[gives Rodrick a "Really?" look] Does owning this magazine make you a better person?

Rodrick:
No.

Susan:
Did it make you more popular at school?

Rodrick:
[snickers] Yes. No.

Susan:
How do you feel about having owned this type of magazine?

Rodrick:
Ashamed.

Susan:
Do you have anything you wanna say to women for having owned this offensive magazine?

Rodrick:
I'm sorry, women.

[Rodrick's bandmates clap in applause]

Susan:
You're grounded...for two weeks.

[Greg smiles and leaves to his room]

Rodrick:
Okay, settle down, Susan. I think one week is plenty.

Susan:
Make it four weeks, and I'm gonna need the keys to your van.

Rodrick:
[shocked through gritted teeth] My van?!

Greg Heffley:
Let me just say for the record that I think middle school may be the dumbest idea ever invented.

Greg Heffley:
Thank God there are a few normal people or this place would be a total freak show.

Greg Heffley:
[after getting teased by Quentin] Right now, I have to take abuse from these morons. But in twenty years, Quentin here will be workin' for me.

Greg Heffley:
She's a girl! Where do I grab her?

Rowley Jefferson:
[in robotic voice] My name is Bell E. Button. What's yours?

Rowley Jefferson:
So, wanna play Twisted Wizard?

Rowley Jefferson:
[repeated line] Zoo-wee-mama!

Rowley Jefferson:
Wow. Everyone knows me now. lt's like l'm famous!

Chirag Gupta:
The Cheese Touch. Nobody knows when or how, but one day, that cheese mysteriously appeared on the blacktop. [Scene flashes forward to before the Cheese became moldy] Nobody knew who it belonged to. Nobody touched it, nobody threw it away. So there it sat, growing more foul and powerful by the day. And then, one day, a kid named Darren Walsh made the biggest mistake of his life. [Darren puts his finger on the Cheese] Darren had the Cheese Touch! It was worse than nuclear cooties. He became an outcast. [Darren cries in the hallway] The only way to get rid of the Cheese Touch was by passing it on to someone else. [Darren touches an unsuspecting girl, thus giving her the Cheese Touch] And so began the Cheese Touch frenzy! Friend turning on friend, brother turning on sister, it was madness! Until, a German exchange student named Dieter Müller took it away. Sadly for Dieter, that fact was lost in translation. Thankfully, he moved back to Düsseldorf, and took the Cheese Touch with him. [Flash forward to the present] And so the Cheese sits, patiently waiting for its next victim.

Chirag Gupta:
This is a terrible place!

Fregley:
I guess this is where all the cool guys hang out.

Fregley:
Wanna have a tickle fight?

Patty Farrell:
[grunts] Come on! What are you waiting for, huh? Don't be such a wuss, Heffley. Make your move!

Patty Farrell:
Who let you into the school, Greg Heffley?

Patty Farrell:
Can I wrestle with somebody Good Now?

Angie Steadman:
It's completely barbaric. This place is an intellectual wasteland, but it's nice to meet a person more interested in his mind than his body.

Angie Steadman:
You rejected the school paper, but you joined the Safety Patrol? Are you working your way down the evolutionary ladder?

Angie Steadman:
You know, Patty? One day you'll wake up and all the things you thought were important won't be anymore.

Rodrick Heffley:
So, look. Mom asked me to give you some advice about middle school. It's real simple: don't talk to anyone, don't look at anyone, don't go anywhere, don't sit down, don't raise your hand, don't go to the bathroom, don't get noticed, don't choose the wrong locker, don't... [sighs] Who am I kidding? You'll be dead or homeschooled by the end of the year anyway. [patting Greg's head] And don't be seen with Rowley.

Rodrick Heffley:
What did I tell you would happen if you ever went into my room again?

Rodrick Heffley:
It's the bass solo, Turd Burglar! Don't you know anything about music? Listen, I came here to get a new drumstick, and now Greg, since Mom and Dad are gone, I'm going to kill you. Literally kill you!

Rodrick Heffley:
[to Rowley] Beat it.

Rodrick Heffley:
What? [Greg run offs. Rowley holds onto to Rodrick's leg to stop him] Let go, baby hippo!

man i am darth n*gger