Dirt Merchant

James Earl:
[over the phone] Detective Harry Ball?

Detective Harry Ball:
Who the hell is this?

James Earl:
Just call me "Deep Throat"

Detective Harry Ball:
You expect me to swallow that?

Detective Harry Ball:
You have the right to shut up. Anything you say, can and will piss me off! If you can't afford a shyster attorney, we will assign you an overworked loser, who doesn't give a sh*t and will screw up your case anyway. Now, do you understand your rights?

Dirt Merchant:
Yeah, I understand. This is a total frameup. Speaking of rights, where's your warrant anyway?

Detective Harry Ball:
Huh? What?

Detective Harry Ball:
[checking pockets and finding nothing] Sh*t!

[after looking at a series of portraits of Holly So Tightly alongside famous singers]

Dirt Merchant:
Unbelievable!

Holly So Tightly:
What is?

Dirt Merchant:
You've humped half of my record collection.

Holly So Tightly:
Whatever...

Dirt Merchant:
I knew it all along. But why? Huh? Why?

Holly So Tightly:
Why do you think? Johnny, Eric, Bart... they didn't love me. All they wanted was sex!

Dirt Merchant:
You're a f***ing porn star. What the hell do you expect?

Holly So Tightly:
I'm not whore! Like help put my career, some real respect, and maybe a half decent orgasm once in a while!

Dirt Merchant:
What about Ronnie? Huh?

Holly So Tightly:
Figure it out, "Encyclopedia Brown"!

[after asking Holly So Tightly casual questions]

XTV Reporter:
...and how does it feel to be called "the biggest star f***er in the business"?

[Holly So Tightly looks at the reporter with a sour face]

[Holly So Tightly suddenly stops her car around the runaway Dirt Merchant]

Holly So Tightly:
Come with me if you wanna leave.

Dirt Merchant:
Huh?

Holly So Tightly:
Don't worry, I know you're innocent!

Dirt Merchant:
You do?

Holly So Tightly:
Just get in the car!

[after Dirt Merchants' roommates get paid by a reporter and start talking provocatively about him]

Holly So Tightly:
Consider yourself lucky...

[pulls Dirt Merchant to bed with her]

Holly So Tightly:
...at least you still have friends!

Holly So Tightly:
My last three guys... Eric, Bart, John... dead! Gone!

[puts her arm around him and starts crying]

Holly So Tightly:
I mean, do I have bad Karma or what?

Dirt Merchant:
Maybe, you know... but ah... well, sometimes... sh*t just happens.

Holly So Tightly:
Ah... you are so understanding.

Dirt Merchant:
Thanks.

Holly So Tightly:
Kiss me, you tool!

[kisses him]

[after Dirt Merchant joins Holly So Tightly per her request in centering himself via meditation]

Holly So Tightly:
Ok, I'm centered. Now do me dirty, Dirt!

[jumps him]

[Holly So Tightly mounts Dirt Merchant aggressively in a pool's corner]

Holly So Tightly:
[afterwards] I hope you don't mind me using you like a hapless sack of meat. But you know, sometimes a girl just gotta have it.

Dirt Merchant:
[breathing to relax] Yeah, no problem, I guess...

[Holly So Tightly walks around the pool topless after she slept with Dirt Merchant]

Dirt Merchant:
Watching her reminded me of something Sly would have said. "There's no such thing as fake tits".

Angie:
God Dirt, what are you doing with your life anyway?

Angie:
Look obviously this was a bad idea and I have to get back for a meeting. You have my card, maybe we can do lunch sometime.

Dirt Merchant:
Sure, that'd be great. You know, thanks for coming by. It was really nice seeing you and er, congratulations on your new job.

Angie:
You really mean it?

Dirt Merchant:
Sure. Happy for you Ang.

Angie:
Thanks, call me okay? Let's be friends.

Dirt Merchant:
Absolutely.

Dirt Merchant:
Angie, how are you?

Angie:
Yeah, I need to hire a detective.

Dirt Merchant:
To do what?

Angie:
Find a missing person.

Dirt Merchant:
Who might that be?

Angie:
My ex-boyfriend.

Dirt Merchant:
What is his name again?

Angie:
Dirt, if he doesn't kiss me right now. [they go to kiss each other but Dirt stops it]

Dirt Merchant:
Wait just so you're aware.

Angie:
Of what?

Dirt Merchant:
That we're friends, just friends.

Angie:
Whatever. [they kiss]