Dirty Santa

Harry:
[after Tom vanishes before his eyes] What the f***?

Dick:
[looking at Jill] F*** me!

Jill:
I'll pass. [laughs]

Jim:
Wanna see that North Pole I was talkin' about?

[last lines]

Harry:
Who the f*** are you dude. How do you know that?

Santa Claus:
This is not obvious? I'm f***in' Santa Claus. Okay you guys need to help me. You need to really help me out. I need... I need a shot, something strong... with mint. [lays head on bar and passes out]

[first lines]

Harry:
Good enough.

Jill:
Really?

Harry:
Yeah, really.

Santa Claus:
[heard through the door] Ho. Ho. Ho.

Erica:
Jim. what was that?

Jim:
I don't know. Sounded like it came from the kitchen.

Erica:
Oh my God, Jim, I'm so scared. What if it's the serial killer, the one that comes in the middle of the night?

Jim:
You mean like twelve o clock?

Erica:
Yes. The one that comes out at twelve. What other one?

Jim:
[checking his watch] It's okay, it's only ten-thirty.

Santa Claus:
[opens door and walks in] Merry Christmas, little Erica. I'm here with your present.

Jim:
Who the hell is this clown? Are you cheatin' on me?

Erica:
No, Jim, I have no idea who he is. I've never seen him before in my life.

Santa Claus:
Well, that's not entirely true. We've been seeing each other once a year since you were a little girl.

Jim:
You know what, Pedo, it's time for you to leave.

Erica:
But, I haven't given her my special present yet.

[first lines]

Dick:
Ho. Ho. Ho. [surveys the room] Nice. [places some presents then takes a seat and grabs a cookie off the platter] Man, this Santa business ain't no joke. No wonder he eats so many damn cookies. It's the only way I'm gonna keep goin'. Ten houses of nice in a row. maybe I should try somethin' off the "naughty" list. Think I've earned it.

Dick:
Now this is more like it. Where am I?

Playmate #1:
[waking, stretching] You're in the mansion, silly.

Playmate #2:
Hey, no men allowed here. Only the captain.

Dick:
It's okay. I'm Santa.

Playmate #3:
But Santa you you used to visit us all the time when we were little. Why don't you come and visit us anymore?

Santa:
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it's cause y'all were naughty.

Playmate #1:
We can't help it if bringing men pleasure is like a calling to us.

Playmate #3:
Yeah, is there anything we can do to make you reconsider?

Santa:
I'm sure we can think of something nice.

'FBI' Agent:
FBI, nobody move.

Dick:
Oh sh*t! Stall him.

Playmate #1, Playmate #2, Playmate #3:
What do we do? I don't know.

Dick:
I'm gonna make sure you're all on the nice list from now on. [FBI Agent enters room. Playmates surround him as Santa aka Dick vanishes]

'FBI' Agent:
Where did that guy just go?

Playmate #3:
Do you have any handcuffs? I like it rough.

Harry:
Who are you?

Santa's Mistress:
I'm Santa's mistress.

Harry:
Whoa-ho. Santa had a wife, right?

Santa's Mistress:
Yes, Santa had a wife like a hundred years ago. Then the seventies happened, and let's just say that Santa has a *lot* of women in his world.

Santa's Mistress:
So, you claimed the suit, huh?

Harry:
Yes, yes I did. I *did* claim the suit. Yes... um, I actually came back for a quick breather and um I thought it'd be polite to uh introduce myself. Hi, i'm Harry.

Santa's Mistress:
Wrong. You mean Nick, right?

Harry:
Sorry, first day on the job jitters.