Dr. Dolittle

John Dolittle:
[after hearing Rodney speak] See, those guys in my dorm told me that stuff wouldn't affect me. [starts to cry] Now, 15 years later, this sh*t starts happenin' to me!

John Dolittle:
THAT'S ALL A' Y'ALL! LEAVE ME ALONE! STOP TALKIN' TO ME!!! AAAAAAAAAAH!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

Rodney:
Do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight!

Rodney:
Hey Doc, why'd ya go and do that? Now, if he tries to eat me again, I'm gonna smack that mustache off ya face!

Rodney:
[stands on a vibrating machine] Thaaaaat feels gooooood!

Lucky:
Why don't you watch where you're going next time, you bonehead!

Archer:
Son, I think you need a vacation.

Skunk:
You're standing on my tail, you idiot.

German Shepherd:
Don't fix me, OK. Please DON'T fix me! I won't look at another female ever, I swear! Anything but my manhood, man! Not my manhood! Please oh... [Notices a Collie which resembles 'Lassie'] Yo baby, wassup ? You lookin' pretty sweet there sugar.

Young John:
Why do dogs sniff each other's butts?

Prologue Dog:
Well, this is kinda our way of shaking hands. If you really wanna get a sense of who somebody really is, you gotta sniff their butt.

Archer:
Son! Stop talking to the dog. She doesn't understand a word that you're saying.

Young John:
[about the prologue dog after she is given up for adoption] She was my best friend.

Archer:
You'll make some real friends now.

Lucky:
From that day on, John Dolittle never spoke to animals again.

Archer:
Someday, you're gonna thank me for this.

John:
Who's this?

Rodney:
I'll give you a hint. I'm cute, I'm furry, and I make five hundred babies a year!

Maya:
Can I tell you a secret?

Archer:
Yeah, sure.

Maya:
When Mommy told me what happened to Daddy, I wasn't afraid, I was happy because I believed that he could talk to animals. I want Dad to be weird, just like me. Is that wrong?

Archer:
No. No, it's not wrong.

Maya:
Sometimes I don't think he likes me very much.

Archer:
Honey, he loves you.

Maya:
I know he loves me, but I don't think he likes me and I want him to. I gonna try to do things his way, Grandpa, and stop doing these stupid experiments.

Baby Alligator:
Mama?

Rodney:
Mama? I'm not your mama.

Baby Alligator:
Mama?

Voice Cast:
Lucky - Norm Macdonald

Voice Cast:
Jacob - Albert Brooks

Voice Cast:
Rodney - Chris Rock

Voice Cast:
Prologue Dog - Ellen DeGeneres

Voice Cast:
Rat #1 - Reni Santoni

Voice Cast:
Rat #2 - John Leguizamo

Voice Cast:
Female Pigeon - Julie Kavner

Voice Cast:
Male Pigeon - Garry Shandling

Voice Cast:
Owl - Jenna Elfman

Baby Alligator:
Mama?

Rodney:
Mama? I'm not your mama.

Baby Alligator:
Mama?

Lucky:
Oh no, don't look at me. Though there was that one time I got drunk in the Everglades.

John Dolittle:
LEAVE ME ALONE! STOP TALKIN' TO ME!!! [screams three times]

Rodney:
[in his cage, on top of John's car] Oh, stop, slow down!

John:
Shut up! I can hear you up there, shut up!

Rodney:
Come on, Doc! I'm getting whisker-whipped up here!

John:
One more word and I'll pull over and take you off the car, I'll let you out of your cage, and leave you in the wild! With the REAL animals! See how much talk you do when a couple of real squirrels are kickin' in your ass!

Rodney:
Fine, then I'll just sing! [sings] The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind... You know it is!

John:
Turnin' up the radio! [turns on the radio at full volume]

Rodney:
This guinea pig is blowin' in the wind...! Come on!

John:
I can't hear you! I'm grooving'!

Rodney:
Hey, why do they call me "guinea pig", anyway? I'm not Italian, and I'm not pork!

Jacob:
Ah, what's the use? It's not like anybody cares about tigers anyway, you know?

John:
Now stop, you're being silly. Listen - there have been lots and lots and lots of lovable tigers.

Jacob:
Yeah? Name one.

Lucky:
[short silence] How about Tony?

John:
Tony the cereal tiger?

Lucky:
What? I didn't hear you come up with anything.

John:
[snaps his fingers and claps] Oh! Remember that song "Eye of the Tiger" from Rocky III? [singing off-key] "It's the eye of the tiger, it's the da-da-da..." That one from Rocky III! When Rocky was fighting Mr. T, couldn't beat Mr. T - then Apollo Creed played "Eye of the Tiger" for him, he went back and beat the snot out of Mr. T because of "Eye of the Tiger". Because of that song! It moved him inside! Not "Eye of the Moose", not "Eye of the Bull," "Eye of the Tiger"!

Jacob:
That's it. I'm jumping.

John:
No, no, no, don't jump--!

Rat 2:
[from the ground] Just jump, ya big p*ssy!

Rat 1:
Come on, ya little scaredy cat!

Rat 2:
I'll catch ya! Not! [laughs]

John:
Didn't I say take a break?! [screams]

Rat 1:
All right, Doc! Then you jump!

John:
It's not really something you should be ashamed of. It happens to most men occasionally. You're probably under a lot of pressure.

Female Pigeon:
He's not under pressure. He's not attracted to me because I'm just a pigeon! He's a self-hating pigeon!

Male Pigeon:
Oh, th-that is not true.

Female Pigeon:
Ask him what he does all day. Go ahead, ask him.

John:
What do--?

Male Pigeon:
I sit in a tree by myself.

Female Pigeon:
It's because he's too good to eat with the rest of us when the old people feed us in the park.

John:
Can I say something?

Female Pigeon:
And the way he stares at a robin's breast? It's enough to make you sick!

Male Pigeon:
They're orange! I happen to be attracted to orange breasts, they're orange--

Female Pigeon:
You're not a robin! You're not a dove or a hawk! You're a pigeon, and I'm a pigeon...

Male Pigeon:
[over her] I'm sorry, she sits on that nest all day long, and she just gets a little crazy...

Female Pigeon:
[over him] ...and I've been sitting on a nest with three eggs, and they're gonna be pigeons too! [flies away]

Male Pigeon:
But may I ask you something? If I turn this way, don't I look a little like a blue jay?

John:
You're suffering from what's called obsessive-compulsive behavior.

Obsessive Dog:
Throw the ball, throw the ball, throw the ball!

John:
Whenever you want the ball, I want you to think about something else.

Obsessive Dog:
Don't say anything more, just throw the ball!

John:
Can you relax your mind?

Obsessive Dog:
[bounces up and down] This is the way it works: you're the person, you throw the ball, I'm the dog, I get it! Simple as that!

John:
Okay, all right, listen. Ooh! Look at you goin'. All right...

Obsessive Dog:
I swear, I swear, I'll pee on your carpet. Please!

John:
It's very irritating, this ball thing...

Obsessive Dog:
Please throw the ball! Shut up and throw the ball. Am I alone here?! Am I all by myself?! Am I in another universe?!

Lucky and Rodney:
THROW THE DAMN BALL!!

[John throws it]

Obsessive Dog:
[runs after it] HE THREW THE BALL! OH, HE THREW THE BALL! I'll get it! I'll get it! [grabs the ball and brings it back] Oh! I love you! I love you! You threw the ball!

Rodney:
You can't save 'em all, Hasselhoff.

John:
What are you doing here?

Lucky:
I crossed three freeways to rescue you, and all I get is "What are you doing here?"

John:
This isn't a prison, it's a clinic!

Lucky:
Look, the tiger's in bad shape.

John:
The tiger?! Hey, listen, forget the tiger! Let me tell you something! I had a perfect life until you came along and started talkin' to me. Now I'm sittin' here in a robe discussin' Mr. Ed with these guys! You've ruined my life enough, I don't wanna talk to you anymore, just go away. Just get outta here, please, go, this is crazy!

Lucky:
Oh, I get it. Now it's crazy to want to save a tiger's life.

John:
Listen, tigers die every day. It's called nature.

Lucky:
Let me tell you a little about nature. I'm a dog, and I act like a dog. I don't try to be anybody else. We are who we are, and you are a doctor who can talk to animals. That's who you are!

John:
That is not who I am!

Lucky:
Stop lying to yourself!

John:
Didn't I tell you to get outta here?! Get outta here! Go! Get outta here! Get outta here!

Lucky:
[about to leave] Fine.

John:
Stop comin' around here talkin' to me!

Lucky:
[turns back] With pleasure!

John:
You better not come back! [screams]

Lucky:
Bonehead. [leaves]

John:
[to any nearby animals] That's all of y'all! LEAVE ME ALONE! STOP TALKIN' TO ME!!

Lucky:
[on his way out] Ruined his life, that's a laugh.

[John screams three times; as he walks back inside, he notices other patients watching him; he screams at them]

Lisa:
He still thinks he can talk to animals!

Archer:
He can, Lisa. He can talk to animals. It all started when he was a kid. I didn't know what to do.

Lisa:
What are you saying, Dad?

Archer:
I thought it was a handicap... but it's a gift, Lisa. Don't you believe it? Look. See for yourself.