Early Doors

Tommy:
[talking about how there is too much rubbish on the TV] That pillock from Sainsbury's was on again, he's never off him, cooking another pan full of shite that only his mates will eat. And then I flicked over to the other side and there were a bunch of nobodies sitting in a house and we're expected to watch them eat, sleep and sh*t and then as soon as they say anything interesting they put a load of bird noises on. I tell ya, I don't know what the world's coming to.

Eddie:
Ken, Ken er, Ken?

Joan:
Hello, Ken, notice anything different?

Ken:
Hello, Joan, Eddie. Bloody hell you two look smart, what's the occasion?

Tanya:
It's their wedding anniversary, Ken.

Ken:
Is it? Well, congratulations.

Joan:
19 years today.

Eddie:
The great trainrobbers didn't get that eh, Ken eh? [laughs]

Ken:
Has Oscar Wilde come in?

Eddie:
Ey, are you having that, Tommy? 19 years we've being together, the great trainrobbers didn't get that, eh?

Tommy:
I've heard it before Eddie, millions of times.

Eddie:
Righto, then.

Ken:
So, what's your secret then, Eddie?

Eddie:
Always be honest to each other, that's the first thing.

Ken:
Oh, aye.

Eddie:
And tell her you love her at least once a day.

Ken:
Oh, well, make your mind up Eddie, it's one or the other.

Eddie:
Ohm no, well, that's the secret

Tanya:
Oh, I think it's lovely. So are you going anywhere nice?

Joan:
Just in here. We might stop for some chips on the way home.

Joe:
Bloody hell, Posh and Becks, eat your hearts out

Joan:
[laughs] What is he like?

Tanya:
Is that all your doing on your wedding anniversary then, Eddie, coming in here and then going for a bag of chips?

Eddie:
Well, there's nothing wrong with that.

Tanya:
It's hardly romantic, though, is it?

Ken:
Show her how much you love her Eddie, throw in a fish.

Nige:
[after Ken turns down a spliff] You know, if you were any squarer Ken, you'd be an Oxo cube.

Ken:
[talking about Joan and Eddie] If they were any thicker, they'd set.

Ken:
[talking about the two coppers Phil and Nige] You know why they're not coming, don't ya?

Everyone:
Why?

Ken:
[holding up a sausage] Cos they won't eat their own!

Tommy:
[Debbie's phone rings] Bloody mobile phones, they're not welcome here!

Debbie:
Neither are you, it hasn't stopped ya.

Ken:
Come on, everybody, party's over, lets be having ya. And you, Tommy, come on you better hurry up your mates'll lock the gates back at the cemetery.

Ken:
Anything else been happening lads?

Phil:
Well we had a drugs bust yesterday at Walton Avenue.

Ken:
Did ya?

Nige:
Oh, aye. Half five in the morning this was.

Phil:
We smashed the door down, dragged the fella out of bed, bundled him down to the lounge and read him the riot act while the plain clothes lads searched the place. We're at the sharp end, he's demanding a warrant, we're keeping him talking, the wife's going ballistic, plain clothes are rifling through the house, turning it upside down not having any joy. So the handler brings the sniffer dog in, lets that loose.

Ken:
And did it find out?

Phil:
Did it bollocks.

Nige:
We'd got the wrong house hadn't we?

Phil:
Well, there's a lot of Clark's in the phone book, Ken.

Tommy:
The worlds gone mad. I blame it on the television and all this new cookery crap they put on. It's like Delia and that pillock from Sainsbury's. He was on again last night, he's never off. Cooking up another panful of shite that nobody'll eat, only his bloody mates. I turned over and there's this bunch of nobody's locked in house and we're expected to watch them eat, sleep and talk crap. I wouldn't care but as soon as they say anything interested they put a load of bloody bird noises on. Flicked over again, Pele was on. Ooh, I thought this is alright. Next thing, he's going on about erection problems. I tell you, the whole bloody world's gone mad.

Ken:
I thought you'd have been interested in all that, Tommy. I mean, the last time you got a stiffy was the Queen's Silver jubilee when we had beer on in here half price.

Tommy:
Aye, it soon went down though when I tasted it.

She had him over a barrel.