Ed, Edd n Eddy's Big Picture Show

Ed:
[repeated throughout the film] Trouble... Bad!... BIG!

Sarah:
And... Action!

Jimmy:
Okay... Avast ye, for I, the great Keelhaul Crookshank, will swash your buckle and yardarm your sealeg...

Sarah:
Cut cut cut! [through a megaphone] what the heck was that? Say it like you mean it! You're the bloodthirsty scourge of the seven seas silly!

Jimmy:
I got it, Sarah!

Ed:
Oh oh, this-a-way guys! Look!

Edd:
"In case of movie break glass"?

Eddy:
BINGO! My bro's always prepared! [he pulls out a small peanut from inside the box]... A peanut?

Ed:
Cheap movie.

Eddy:
[laughing] You catch that, Ed? [to Edd] Uh, the what? I missed that. What's it called?

Edd:
It's called a sextant, an astronomical instrument used to... [Ed and Eddy starts laughing]

Eddy:
Again, sorry I missed it. What's it called?

Edd:
It's commonly known as a sextant, Eddy. [Ed and Eddy laughs more]

Ed:
Say it again, Double D!

Edd:
[ponders, then realizes what he said] Oh my!

Edd:
I think I'm gonna be sick!

Eddy:
Not in my brother's car, you're not!

Ed:
Double D's dark side makes my armpits sweat, Eddy.

Eddy:
What doesn't?

Rolf:
The Ed boys think they have played Rolf as a Tony Baloney, but they have yet to feel the wrath of THIS SON OF A SHEPHERD!

Edd:
[Ed and Eddy are fooling around, nearly destroying a new gadget Edd is using] Yes, well, it's all fun and games, but merry-making nearly cost us this sextant.

Eddy:
[awkward pause, after which Eddy snickers] You catch that, Ed? Uh, the what? I-I missed that, wh-what's it called?

Edd:
It's called a sextant, an astronomical instrument used to - [Ed and Eddy start giggling]

Eddy:
[regains his composure] Again. Sorry, I-I missed it. What's it called?

Edd:
[smiles, oblivious to what his friends are laughing at] It's commonly known as a sextant, Eddy.

Ed:
[He and Eddy burst into raucous laughter] Say it again, Double D! [both continue to laugh]

Edd:
[thinks for a second, then covers his mouth in embarrassment, blushing] Oh, my!

Rolf:
This is Rolf's word... dog.

Rolf:
Peel your onions, Ed-boys, and cry! There is no escaping a son of a shepherd!

Rolf:
Shed tears no more, fuss-bucket Nazz girl! Rolf will unearth the Ed-boys and squash them like the parasites that infest Wilfred's tookus! This is Rolf's word... dog.

Kevin:
Those thieves couldn't' have got far! I'm gettin' my bike!

Rolf:
Yes! Rolf will draw forth the...

Nazz:
Wait up, Kev!

Rolf:
[pause] Rolf will draw forth the Pitchfork of Retribution! The Ed-boys shall riddle Rolf's rind no more! Wilfred! To the shed!

Edd:
I've followed all the rules! Lived a life of decency and principle! So WHY didn't I trust my instincts? That one day, these short-sighted, sophomoric, show games would GO TOO FAR!

Ed:
Double D's darkside makes my armpits sweat, Eddy.

Eddy:
What doesn't?

Edd:
Lost souls are we, gentlemen! Doomed for eternity!

Eddy:
Lighten up, Sock Head! Hasn't Eddy always steered you right? Don't answer that. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Ed:
Ooh, oh, if I might partake in this chat: could we not join at the circus? Eddy could be the world's...

[grabs Eddy]

Eddy:
Hey, wait! Ow, stop! It doesn't go that way!

Ed:
...shortest elephant!

[contorts Eddy's face into an elephant head]

Ed:
And you, Double D, can be the clown!

Edd:
I suppose one could get used to the confining nature of tights...

Eddy:
Everyone loves us! We're finally in, baby!

Edd:
And it took 130 episodes, 4 specials, and a movie, Eddy...

Edd:
Eddy! Speak to me! Are you all right?

Eddy:
[sniffs] I made it all up DoubleD. Everything about my brother was a lie! I just made things up so people would like me, think I was cool. But boy was I wrong! The same, my brother, this... when am I gonna learn, DoubleD? [whimpers]

Edd:
[gently pulls Eddy's hands from his eyes] I think you just have Eddy.

[Eddy smiles]

Kevin:
Grab him!

[the Eds turn around to see Kevin, Rolf and Nazz charging at Eddy]

Ed:
No! Take me!

Eddy:
Okay! I'm sorry! Honest! I didn't mean to hurt you guys!

[Kevin, Rolf and Nazz throw Eddy up in the air in adulation instead of beating him up]

Eddy:
[Unable to take his Brother's beating any longer] Come on, bro. Give it up, will you?

Eddy's Brother:
Give it up? I thought you wanted to hang with your "hero".

Eddy:
I do, bro! I do!

Edd:
[Feeling very concerned of Eddy's Brother's behavior towards Eddy] Mister Eddy's Brother! As the oldest sibling, don't you think you should be setting a positive example for Eddy, instead of... [Then starts to get intimidated]... belittling him... on front of his... friends?

Eddy's Brother:
[to everyone on front of him] Belittle? He's always been little! [Then turns to Edd] I like you, girlfriend. [He then uses Eddy like a hammer and literally nails Edd to the ground, with his ski hat sticking out] You got spunk.

Ed and Marie Kanker:
Double D!

Sarah:
What the heck?

Jimmy:
Somebody do something!

Rolf:
[Starting to get infuriated with Eddy's Brother] Rolf has had enough of your flat doodle, elder one! Prepare yourself for a merciless thrashing! [Then pulls Kevin toward Eddy's Brother]

Kevin:
[Now standing up against Eddy's Brother] Hey! Bro guy! Lay off him, man!

Nazz:
[Also standing up against him] Yeah, Mister Macho Man! [the rest of the kids are then standing up against him]

Eddy's Brother:
[Ed, in spite of his dim-witted personality, has successfully defeated Eddy's Brother by pulling out the door hinge bolt, which causes the door, pulled hardly by Eddy being pulled by his Brother, to be flinged real hard into Eddy's Brother's face. He then gets dizzy] Uuhh... uncle... [Then fainted, knocked out cold to the ground]

Eddy:
[Unable to take his Brother's beating any longer] Come on, bro. Give it up, will you?

Eddy's Brother:
Give it up? I thought you wanted to hang with your "hero".

Eddy:
I do, bro! I do!

Edd:
[Feeling very concerned of Eddy's Brother's behavior towards Eddy] Mister Eddy's Brother! As the oldest sibling, don't you think you should be setting an example for Eddy, and not... [Then starts to get intimidated]... belittling him... on front of his... friends?

Eddy's Brother:
[to everyone on front of him] Belittle? He's always been little! [Then turns to Edd] I like you, girlfriend. [He then uses Eddy like a hammer and literally nails Edd to the ground, with his ski hat sticking out] You got spunk.

Ed and Marie Kanker:
Double D!

Sarah:
What the heck?

Jimmy:
Somebody do something!

Rolf:
[Starting to get infuriated with Eddy's Brother] Rolf has had enough of your flat doodle, elder one! Prepare yourself for a merciless thrashing! [Then pulls Kevin toward Eddy's Brother]

Kevin:
[Now standing up against Eddy's Brother] Hey! Bro guy! Lay off him, man!

Nazz:
[Also standing up against him] Yeah, Mister Macho Man! [the rest of the kids are then standing up against him]

Eddy's Brother:
[Ed, in spite of his dim-witted personality, has successfully defeated Eddy's Brother by pulling out the door hinge bolt, which causes the door, pulled hardly by Eddy being pulled by his Brother, to be flinged real hard into Eddy's Brother's face. He then gets dizzy] Uuhh... uncle... [Then fainted, knocked out cold to the ground]

Ed:
Can your brother send me brainwaves, too, Eddy?

Eddy:
If only you had a brain, Ed!

Ed:
Come on, Eddy, have a heart!

Edd:
[Panting] Courage... courage, Eddward.

Kevin:
Nazz, we gotta find out where those twerps went off to, and hit 'em off. I'm pretty sure they won't be coming back to the Cal-de-Sac. Not after what they did.

Nazz:
That'd be the last thing they oughta do! They're like, such cowards!

Kevin:
Good one, Nazz. Say, you got one of those hairpin things?

Nazz:
Totally! [Hands Kevin hairpin to fix his bike]

Kevin:
Cowards run and hide, right? So who's the one person in the world that Eddy trusts besides his two loser pals?

Nazz:
What about his brother?

Kevin:
That little twerp wouldn't have the... THAT'S IT! We're goin' to Eddy's brother's place! Nazz, you're awesome, babe. [Hugs Nazz] HOLD IT! [Throws Nazz down] Eddy's brother'll murder us if he finds out we're after his little brother! We're wastin' time! We gotta find those dorks before they get there! If they get there before we get there, they'll never get theirs!

Nazz:
What?

Kevin:
Never mind. Just come on!

Eddy's Brother:
Park don't open 'til noon.

Eddy:
I told you he's a whiz at tellin' time!

Eddy's Brother:
Pipsqueak?

Eddy:
Bro!

Eddy's Brother:
Mom and Dad know you're here?

Eddy:
As if!

Eddy's Brother:
Anyone know you're here?

Eddy:
Only these chumps who chased us here!

Eddy's Brother:
Just a sec. Aren't those ankle biters from the cul-de-sac?

Eddy:
Yeah, and they want to beat me up, all for nothin'.

Kevin:
He's lookin at you, Rolf. Later.

Eddy's Brother:
"All for nothin'", huh? Still the trouble makin' Eddy, I see.

Eddy:
[awkward laugh] Stop it, bro.

Ed:
I smell my fingers after I eat cheese.

Eddy:
Um, I told the guys you'd put us up. Ed and Double D.

Edd:
I have big experie- Uh, whale- uh... [faints]

[Eddy and his brother laugh]

Eddy's Brother:
Just for old times' sake, let's play uncle.

Eddy:
Uncle?

Eddy's Brother:
Wanna crash at my place, don't ya?

Eddy:
That's why we came all the way– [his brother twists his leg] Uncle! Uncle! Uncle!

Eddy's Brother:
Say what?

Eddy:
Uncle, uncle, uncle!

Edd:
Oh, my!

Eddy's Brother:
[Laughing cruelly] That was good, pipsqueak.

Eddy:
Can we go inside now?

Eddy's Brother:
Why not? Don't forget to wipe your feet.[repeatedly throws Eddy into the trailer wall]

Eddy:
[badly bruised] Come on, bro. Give it up!

Eddy's Brother:
"Give it up"? I thought you wanted to hang with your "hero".

Eddy:
I do, bro! I do!

Edd:
Mister Eddy's Brother! As the older sibling, don't you think you should rather be setting an example for Eddy, and not, um... belittle him... in front of his... friends?

Eddy's Brother:
Belittle? He's always been little! I like you, girlfriend. [hammers Edd into the ground using Eddy] You got spunk.

Jonny:
The time of reckoning is now, rapscallions! IT'S MELON TIME!

Eddy:
WHERE'D HE COME FROM? Jonny! No! Wait!

Jonny:
No thanks are necessary, citizens.

Sarah:
You idiot! Leave our friends alone!

Kevin:
Back off, melon dweeb!

Rolf:
Leave some produce for Rolf!

Kevin:
Sorry about that. Say, let's go to my place. Jawbreakers are on me!

Eddy:
We did it, Double D! Everyone loves us! We're finally in, baby!

Edd:
And it only took 130 episodes, 4 specials and a movie, Eddy!

Ed:
Let's sing a song! [the Eds and the kids (except Jonny, who is pounded by the kids) then sing "Friends are There to Help You", with the "second verse" which is the "same as the first"]

Jimmy:
[singing] When you stub your toe and it hurts you know…

The Kids (except for Jonny and including the Eds): [singing] ...Friends are there to help you. When you trip on your face and your teeth are misplaced, friends are there to help you. When you're flying low and you're giving a show, friends are there to help you. When you take off your shoe and your feet stink PEE-YEW, friends are there to help you.

[As the kids sing the song, Wilfred eats out of Captain Melonhead's downed helmet. The Kankers are focused on something else entirely:
dragging Eddy's brother inside.]

Lee:
First one inside gets to give him mouth to mouth! [When the Kankers finish putting Eddy's brother inside, Marie reattaches the door and shortly thereafter, a flurry of girlish giggling erupts.]

Jimmy:
Second verse, same as the first! [singing] When you stub your toe and it hurts you know…

The Kids (including Jonny too this time with the Eds): [singing] ...Friends are there to help you. When you trip on your face and your teeth are misplaced, friends are there to help you. When you're flying low and you're giving a show, friends are there to help you. When you take off your shoe and your feet stink PEE-YEW, friends are there to help you.

[After Eddy's brother is defeated]

Edd:
Eddy, speak to me! Are you alright?

Eddy:
[wakes up and removes Edd's arms away from him] I made it all up, Double D! Everything about my brother was a lie. I just made things up so people would like me. Think I was cool. But boy was I wrong. The scam, my brother...this...when am I gonna learn, Double D? [tears leak from his eyes]

Edd:
I think you just have, Eddy.

[Eddy grins, glad his friends still accept him]

Jonny:
This is your craazzyest plan ever, Plank! We'll show them! WE'LL SHOW THEM ALL! What's that? They did, didn't they? Yeeeaahhh... The goody-goody-two-shoe days of Captain Melonhead and Splinter have come to an end! And out of the darkness will rise the villainous days of the Gourd! And his evil cohort, Timber, the Dark Shard! Together, we will exact revenge, on the entire CUL! DE!! SAC!!!

Plank:

Jonny:
What?

Plank:

Jonny:
There's no time left?

Plank:

Jonny:
It's the end of the movie? What movie?

Eddy:
This is all your fault, Sockhead!

Edd:
My fault? Funny, isn't it, how it's always my fault when another of your amazing scams goes awry!

Eddy:
Yeah, well, I didn't see you stop me! You shoulda known it would go bad!

Ed:
Boy, did it go bad.

[Edd is hanging from his hat on top of a waterfall]

Eddy:
Hey, Sockhead! Can you see my bro's place from up there?

Edd:
[angrily] NO! NOW GET ME DOWN!

[Edd loses his hat]

Eddy:
My eyes! They're burning!

Edd:
You stop that!

Ed:
Does it hurt, Double D?

Edd:
Oh, shush!

[May picks herself up off the ground. Jimmy peeks out and sees Lee pin an undershirt to the wire]

May:
If you guys weren't such fashion hogs, there wouldn't be all this laundry to do! [She pulls Jimmy out from the pile]

Jimmy:
Oh, please! Don't hurt me!

May:
Looks like someone left something in their pocket!

Lee:
What is it?

Marie:
Looks like it's whats-his-face!

May:
Let's call him Dutch.

Lee:
[leering] A little far from home, aren't ya, Dutch?

May:
Uh-oh, looks like Dutch needs a diaper!

Jimmy:
[worried] I'm fine, really, I am!

May:
Aw, he's squirming!

[May pins him up and proceeds to nurse him with a bottle of ketchup. Lee steals Jimmy away]

Lee:
Dutch ain't a baby. [She throws Jimmy down] He's a big grown man. [sinister] I bet he wants a date. [paused, after a few moments] WHERE'S MY FLOWERS DUTCH?!?!? [She giggles as Jimmy lies on the ground, twitching]

Marie:
[picking him up] Aw, my man doesn't need to give me any flowers. [She drops him by the washing machine] He just needs to do my laundry. Knock yourself out, Dutch.

May:
[grabbing Jimmy] Babies don't do laundry!

Lee:
He's mine! [She grabs Jimmy's arm] Gimme my man.

Marie:
[taking Jimmy's other leg] Laundry boy's all mine, ladies.

Lee:
Back off Marie.

May:
Baby's mine!

[The three tug at Jimmy, stretching his body]

Jimmy:
I'm getting stretch marks! [Jimmy's pants split, revealing his teddy bear underwear] Stop! I just wanted to see Ed, Edd n Eddy get clobbered!

[The Kankers abruptly let go]

Lee:
[menacing] What did you say about our boyfriends?

Sarah:
None of your beeswax!

[The Kankers turn to the fiery-headed newcomer. Sarah sets her basket down and seethes with rage. Tears of gratitude fill Jimmy's eyes]

Jimmy:
My hero.

[The Kankers jump his hero]

Jimmy:
Leave her alone!

Sarah:
Ah ah AAAAHH!!!

Jimmy:
What'd she ever do to you? [Marie pins Sarah to the ground]

Sarah:
Get off me, lemme go!

[Marie giggles. May grabs Sarah's head and holds it in place]

Lee:
So none of our beeswax, huh? What a shame.

[Lee opens her mouth and sticks her finger in. When it comes out, it is covered with spit. May giggles in anticipation, and her sisters join in. May then turns Sarah's head on its side, and Lee holds her finger above Sarah. Spittle drips onto Sarah's cheek until Lee jams her finger into Sarah's ear, swishing it around in a Wet Willy]

Sarah:
Ew that's so gross!

Jimmy:
A Wet Willy! Oh, the horror!

Marie:
[as Lee works her finger] "So tell us, twerp...

May:
...what do you and Dutch know about our boyfriends!

Jimmy:
Stop! Enough! [The torture stops as Jimmy comes running up] The Eds did something really bad! Something big happened because everyone's angry, chasing after them to give them their just desserts! [crying] Ahhaha, I'm such a snitch!

May:
Did you hear what Dutch said?

Marie:
[angry] Ain't nobody beating up on my man but me!

Lee:
Grab the two squirts, girls. We're gonna need em.

[Sarah and Jimmy look at each other, worry in their eyes]

[After realizing that Ed and Eddy faked their deaths in "quicksand" to mock him, Edd starts to storm off]

Eddy:
Hey! Where ya goin'? You're headin' back into the swamp!" [reaching for Edd's shoulder] My bro don't live–-

Edd:
[angrily slapping his hand away] DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH ME! A "SAP"?! Well, excuse my sincerity for thinking I had lost the only two people I have left in this world!

Eddy:
[not realizing he's being serious] And?

Edd:
It's surprising, because your stubborn, insane desire to shock, sandbag and swindle is what put us here in the first place!

Ed:
I helped too!

Edd:
[gives Ed a furious look, then turns back to Eddy] You and your nefarious scams!

Eddy:
[now getting angry] Like you were picking daisies! You built the stupid thing!

Edd:
If you had paid attention to what I said and NOT pushed the red button...!

[They start brawling]

Ed:
Stop! I demand you tickle each other right now!

Edd and Eddy:
STAY OUT OF IT, ED!!!

Ed:
[to himself, nervously] The evil dark side has consumed them both! Trouble! Bad! Pain!

Edd:
I've had ENOUGH! [kicks Eddy off] I'm returning home!

Ed:
But we can't go home, Double D!

Edd:
I'd rather face my consequences, Ed, than wander aimlessly with a so-called friend!

[As he storms off, Eddy looks shocked and his eyes fill with tears]

Ed:
Say it ain't so! We are three no more, Eddy! Like hop, skip, and no jump! Like up, up, but no away! Like blah, blah without the other blah!

Eddy:
[snapping] FINE!!! GO HOME!!! I DON'T BLAME YA! BECAUSE EVERYTHING WAS MY FAULT! [he bursts into tears, and Edd abruptly stops] YEAH, YOU HEARD ME! A FOUL-UP WANNABE LOSER! [He beats his head and continues sobbing]

Edd:
[turns back, totally surprised by Eddy's words, and walks back towards him] Eddy?

Eddy:
What? [still sobs]

[As Edd watches his friend cry, he looks down with remorse, then gets an idea]

Edd:
[starting to smile] Your shirt, Eddy.

Eddy:
[confused] My shirt?

Edd:
[pointing at the tears soaked into it] Are those salt deposits from your lamentation? [Eddy looks down, and Edd thwacks his nose] Gotcha!

[After a moment of realization, Eddy smiles back at him]

Ed:
[hugs them both happily] WE ARE FRIENDS ONCE MORE, GUYS! To Eddy's big bro's house! [carries them on his shoulders]

Edd:
Not that way, Ed. [turns Ed in the right direction] This way.

Eddy:
You heard my pal, Ed!

Edd:
What would you do without me, Eddy?

Eddy:
Don't milk it, Sockhead.

Marie:
No one beats up our little love muffins.

Edd:
Yes. I mean no. What? Yes?