Eddie Murphy: Raw

Eddie Murphy:
Richard said, "The next time the motherf***er call, tell him I said, "Suck *my* dick." I don't give a f***. Whatever the f*** make the people laugh, say that sh*t. Do the people laugh when you say what you say?" I said, "Yes." He said, "Do you get paid?" I said, "Yes." He said, "Well, tell Bill I said have a Coke and a smile and shut the f*** up. Jello pudding-eating motherf***er."

Eddie Murphy:
There's a song out now called "Ain't Nothin' Goin' on But the Rent." So when a man asks a woman "Hey, baby! What's going on?" The woman will say, "The rent, motherf***er!"

[Bill Cosby has called Eddie to complain about bad language in Eddie's act]

Eddie Murphy:
Now I can't have no 'curse' show, I mean I gotta throw in a few jokes in between the curses, I can't come out and go "Hello! Filth flar'n filth, motherf***er, dick, p*ssy, snot, and sh*t. Good night! Suck my dick!"

Eddie Murphy:
Hey, don't mind the cameras, everyone. They're filming a movie up in here. And [shouts] y'all gonna be in it! Only *I'm* the only one gonna get paid, the motherf***er.

Eddie Murphy:
[imitating his father who is singing Motown songs but messing up the lyrics] If I have to beg and plead to the symphony...

["If I have to beg and plead for your sympathy"]

Eddie Murphy:
I'm sadistic. I go to the supermarkets to watch mothers lose it and beat the sh*t out of their kids.

Eddie Murphy:
White people can't dance. I'm not being racist; it's true. Just like when white people say black people have big lips, it's not racist; it's true. Black people have big lips, white people can't dance. Some brothers will be in the club and white people are like, "What are those n*ggers doing in here?" They watchin' y'all dance. And they're like, "Look at these crazy muthaf***as." Y'all be stepping on people's feet and hitting one another.

Eddie Murphy:
The brothers went to court and got educated on the judge. All of a sudden, it was like, "Can you state your case?"

[gangsta voice]

Eddie Murphy:
"Uh, yes, Your Honor. On the evening in question, per se, Your Honor... yo, check it out, Your Honor. I was just out the disco, right? Coolin', right? I went in with my girl, right, and my girl starts illin', says "There go Eddie Murphy." Started actin' all tipsy and sh*t. I said, "Where, where?" She go, "Over there." I say, "F*** that big-nosed motherf***er!" I make my money just like him, right, Your Honor, cuz I don't give a f***, I ain't gittin on nobody's jobs, you know? So, Your Honor, check it out, right? What happened, what happened then, right? I said, "Yo, what you want me go get the motherf***er's autograph?" I got the autograph for my girl, walked over and said, "Yo, Ed? Sign this autograph."

[pause]

Eddie Murphy:
Then Ed said, "I ain't signing a *motherf***in'* thing! F*** you and your ugly b*tch!" I said, "Yo, Ed, I'll bust your ass for sayin' sh*t like that." He say, "Wh-Where, motherf***er, I'll kill-" And he ran over to my woman and slapped her in the face, Your Honor! Then he slapped me and my man in the face, all three of us like the Three Stooges, Your Honor! 12 million! 12!

[normal]

Eddie Murphy:
I was disgusted.

Man in Audience:
Half!

Eddie Murphy:
[gangsta voice] Yeah, Your Honor, give us half his sh*t!

Little Eddie:
[demonstrating] Then he kicked him in the ding-ding.

Eddie Murphy:
She whined, "What have you done for me *lately*, Eddie?" I was like..."*B*tch*! You was butt-naked on a zebra last month!"

Eddie Murphy:
[as Bill Cosby] Yoouuu cannot say filth flarn filth flarn filth in front of people!

Eddie Murphy:
And I said, "I never said no filth flarn filth! I don't know what you're talking about! I'm offended that you called! F*** you!" And that's when Bill got raw on me!

Eddie Murphy:
[as Bill Cosby] That's what I'm talking about! Yoouuuuu cannot say... f***!

Eddie Murphy:
[imitating Richard Pryor] You ever get like sometimes ye get on that toilet and ye sh*t, that water splash up on yo' ass? Don't that make ye mad, right? You know what really make mad is when the sh*t is halfway out, then go back up in that mothafocka. Why do sh*t be teasin' yo' ass? Just get the f*** out, right? You know what really make me mad is when yo' ass don' cooperate whicha then clinch up and break the sh*t in half? You be mad like a motherf***er too coz you gotta whip yo' ass for 5 hours. Use 12 roles o' toilet paper on that mothafocka. You know what really bother me is when you be strainin' for a long time and one lil' pebble sh*t comes out? Y' want some sh*t this big right? Stick yo' head up your ass and say: That all the sh*t I'm gonn' get mothafocka? And it's afterwards right, when you done with sh*t, you done all the shittin' you gonna do for the whole day and you flush that toilet and one chunk come back... WHAT DOES THAT CHUNK WANT?

Eddie Murphy:
[Talking about a fight that happened at a club he was at] And at the end, everybody sued me. Claiming I whipped they ass. I'm 5ft 10in, I weigh 180lbs. I cannot whip a disco's ass by myself.