Eight Legged Freaks

Mike:
No one's going to believe me, cause I'm a kid, and they never listen to kid.

Larry:
Dude did you piss your pants.

Bret:
Come on we got to go! We got to get out of here! They're coming!

Randy:
Looks like the only thing going is you dude!

Wade:
What exactly is that?

Deputy Pete:
A spider, man!

Chris McCormick:
Get back you eight legged freaks!

Joshua:
He like's that movie, dunno why...

Ashley Parker:
Mom! I am not you, I'm not gonna get pregnant at 16, I'm not gonna stay here for the rest of my life and be a trailer trash sheriff!

Sheriff Sam Parker:
Thanks for the flash back. I really didn't deserve that!

Bret:
We've got to go!

Deputy Pete:
They're not aliens they're spiders mutated by contaminated waste!

Harlan:
That's probably a more logical explanation!

Mike:
Take these you'll need them.

Chris McCormick:
Perfume?

Mike:
Well spiders have a highly developed sense of smell the perfume might confuse them.

Harlan:
Great if we die we die smelling nice.

Sheriff Sam Parker:
So you're trying to tell me that a giant spider ate Gladys?

Mike:
Mom, are you there?

Sheriff Sam Parker:
Yea, Mike. Is everything ok?

Mike:
Don't make any movements or noises. There's a giant tarantula headed your way.

Sheriff Sam Parker:
Copy that.

Harlan:
There's no way you're telling me that thing back there is from earth!

Chris McCormick:
All right! They're spiders from Mars! You happy!

Harlan:
No.

Harlan:
That's the one who busted up my trailer!

Chris McCormick:
Shh!

Harlan:
I bet you he's their leader!

Chris McCormick:
I got a signal!

Harlan:
That's great. Now, how about dialing!

Larry:
What do you think? G-String, or underpants?

Randy:
I'd say under...

Randy:
She is the sexist sheriff in the whole country!

Deputy Pete:
Winchester, 30.06, Mossberg pump, and the Lee Harvey Oswald rifle... Why we have that, I do not know.

Harlan:
And that my friends is the story of how aliens attacked our sleepy little town. And to this day, people refuse to believe the truth about what happened. They would lead you to believe that I would embellish this story, that I would make it up, but we know the truth. Oh yeah, uh, two, two things I forgot to tell you. One, they never did get that probe near me. And two, as far as Chris McCormick, reopening the gold mines and putting everyone back to work... Well that my friends, is another story altogether.

Ashley Parker:
When the jumping spider lands on the roof of the house? What was that?

Sheriff Sam Parker:
It's just Pete, he is waiting to come on.

Ashley Parker:
I don?t think it was Pete.

Chris:
I'm a man, you're a woman. Oh my God, what am I doing here?

Sam:
Who are the flowers for?

Chris:
Oh, they're for you, actually.

Sam:
(smelling flowers) Nice.

Chris:
Yeah. Picked them myself.

(Mike gets home)

Sam:
So, where were you?

Mike:
...I went to Joshua's.

Sam:
What did I tell you about going over there?

Mike:
But mom, his spiders have become gigantic! (Sam glances at a monster movie on TV) The whole town could be in danger! They could destroy everything; people could get killed! Just hear me out!

Sam:
I swear to God, it's the television! This is exactly your problem right here! I don't want to hear anymore of your mediate-induced, paranoid, delusional nightmares!(turns TV off) You can add a week to how long you're grounded too.

Mike:
Mom, please...!

Sam:
And no TV!

(In the barber's)

Chris:
So how much is a dentist's job these days?

Floyd:
Hundred bucks.

Chris:
Hundred bucks? It's a good deal.

Floyd:
Indeed it's a good deal. But it's not a good deal in "other places." Where they got "money."

Bob:
And jobs.

Chris:
(Having doubts) Uh, maybe I don't need a shave. (Sits up abruptly)

Floyd:
Hold still. (Leans forward) I wouldn't want to cut you. (Starts shaving.)

(In Ashley's truck. Ashley and her boyfriend Brett are kissing.)

Ash:
Hey, Brett, slow down.

Brett:
But I thought you loved me.

Ash:
I do. I do. It's just - it's just -

Brett:
What?

Ash:
I just - don't want to lose my virginity in the front seat of a truck. Uh.

Brett:
(laughing) Then why didn't you say so, I've got a blanket out in the back!

Ash:
No, Brett, no, that's not it, I just don't think I'm ready!

Brett:
Tom and Sally do it every night.

Ash:
So fine, call them, I'm not like everyone else you know.

(Brett continues kissing her.)

Ash:
Hey, Brett, I'm warning you -

(Brett forcefully kisses her)

Ash:
Brett, I'm warning you, OK, stop!

Brett:
I just can't help it... you bring out the beast in me! (Continues kissing)

Ash:
Hey, Brett, get off! (Electrocutes him in the balls with her stun gun. Brett screams and falls out of the jeep. Ash giggles and Brett pisses his pants.)

Brett:
Goddammit, I pissed my pants! Hey, don't you think you're overreacting a bit, I was just complimenting a ?

Ash:
(Furiously) Overreacting? You know, I can't believe my mum was worried about you, do you have any idea how embarrassing that is? :(Slams door shut and drives off.)

Brett:
(Shouts from ground) Hey, Ash! Hey Ash, wait! I'm sorry!

(On the sand dunes, mutated Habronattus orbus appear.)

(Town hall)

Mayor Wade:
OK OK calm down, this is a town meeting, not the WWF!

Deputy Pete:
Mr Mayor, I say those who want to sell, sell!

Wade:
Look, company wants either all of our properties, or none of our properties. They are paying us handsomely and they are paying us, to relocate.

Deputy Pete:
...How do we know this isn't another of your get-rich schemes, like, building this mall out in the middle of nowhere?

Miner:
Or that ridiculous ostrich farm!

Wade:
It's good meat, it's healthy meat.

Harlan:
This is all just a government cover-up, isn't it?

(few people giggle)

Wade:
Harlan, what in God's name are you on about?

Harlan:
Then why are they willing to pay us so much money?

Wade:
We need the money to turn ourselves around. Unlike old man McCormack. God rest his soul. Now he's dead. As dead as those mines.

Chris McCormack:
(enters) You know those mines are filled with methane gas!

Wade:
Eh, this is a meeting for land owners only...

Chris McCormack:
Well I am a land owner, Wade. (Steps into light)

Wade:
(false cheeriness) Oh, Chris McCormack, I, didn't know you were back! (everyone turns amongst each other and begins to gossip)

(After the invasion)

Mark:
: Sam I thank we have a right to know what's the hell is going on!

Floyd:
Those things killed Leroy! And Bob Miller, my best customer, was hanging from my high ceiling!

Harlan:
What have I been saying on the damn radio all day? I've been telling you about the alien invasion for months! I mean Am l talking to myself? I'm here for you.

(people start arguing)

Mark:
What, you saying those things out there are aliens?

Harlan:
Listen to me. You're not listening.... now.

Mike:
Mom, they have to be quiet.

Mark:
Those are aliens those were big-ass spiders! Really big ones!

Chris McCormack:
Shut up, shut up, shut up! Everybody, just listen to the kid. Just for once! Go on, Mike.

Mike:
First of all, the spiders are attracted to vibrations. That includes Loud noises, movement and talking. So everybody needs to stay as calm and quiet as possible.

Chris:
[He and Harlan are trapped on a radio tower] Harlan, get up here!

Harlan:
I'm afraid of heights.

Chris:
Heights? Are you afraid of spiders?!

Joshua:
(First lines) Hello Mike.

Joshua:
(After Mike has enquired about the alarming size of the arachnids): It's their diet. These have been growing in the pond for the last three days. (Mike: Crickets?) They're like, spider steroids.

Joshua:
I'm going to make a fortune!

Joshua:
Yeah, Habronattus orbus.

Joshua:
Say hello to Consuela...

Joshua:
I had to bribe every customs agent from San Diego to Tuscon. (Leads Mike over to orb weavers.) You see, the female species is three times as big as the male. (Consuela emerges.) The males try to compete for the females' attention by bringing them the best presents, you know, like rats, mice, (Looks at his parrot, smirking), the occasional parrot. Come.

Joshua:
(About Consuela) So she can liquefy her prey, wrapped alive...

Joshua:
(As Mike leaves) When you come back next week they'll be twice as big as they are today!

Joshua:
(Last line, as he observes the empty tarantula cage) Where'd you go, little fella?

Sheriff Parker:
(To Mike) This is your problem, right here. I don't want to hear any more of your 'paranoid delusional nightmare.' Right you're grounded for a week, mister. And no TV!

Sheriff Parker:
(To Deputy Pete) Something ate your cat? What do you think it was?

Sheriff Parker:
(About Chris) He just needs a shave...

Sheriff Parker:
(To Ashley) Who said it was OK to talk to your mother like that?

Sheriff Parker:
All the phone lines are down, Mike.

Sheriff Parker:
Where have you been, Wade? All the phones are dead!

Sheriff Parker:
(To Chris) Ten years, and you have not changed a bit.

Chris Mccormack:
(First lines) You sure look like a pretty good engineerer.

Chris Mccormack:
And my name's not Sonny. It's Chris.

Chris Mccormack:
Aunt Gladys!

Chris Mccormack:
(About his father's gold) I knew he wasn't crazy!

Chris Mccormack:
(Confronted by Conseula) I can't! It'll set off the gas! (Squirts perfume into Conseula's face) Mike, you saved us!

Chris Mccormack:
Adieus, Consuela!

Chris Mccormack:
(Hysterical) They're here! They're here!

Chris Mccormack:
Get back, you EIGHT-LEGGED FREAKS!

Chris Mccormack:
Uh, maybe I don't need a shave...

Chris Mccormack:
If you start feeling disorientated, then get to one of these higher chambers as soon as possible.

Chris Mccormack:
You know, that does look like an old piece of cactus.

Harlan:
(First lines) Do you know fear? Have you ever had your heart beating in your chest so intensely... that you can't even breathe? This is a story of... monsters... hideous nightmares crawling in the night. I've seen them. I've seen them in visions. And you... will... too. (Laughs.) I know what you must be thinking, what's this crazy guy doing out here in this godforsaken landscape? Well, I'll tell you. For this is the only place in the country where I can tell the truth and they can't. Hit me.

Harlan:
We're here in Propsperity, Arizona, with the only reports on government conspiracies, space aliens, and updated reports on when they plan to invade. It's a beautiful day in Prosperity, and it's time for America to WAKE UP PEOPLE! WAKE UP BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE! But no, of course, they're still asleep.

Harlan:
We've just received a report that our pet dog Skippy's been missing, fourth missing pet call we've had this morning. Yeah, it's strange, it's strange. And people are saying, well you know it's cayotes, and it's wolves, but we know the truth. Yes, we all know about those aliens, and the probe, heh, yes, the probe. Let's talk about the probe. I mean, what are they looking for? I mean, it's just wrong! What are they doing? I mean, Skippy didn't do anything to anyone, he doesn't deserve that! I'm telling you, it's wrong! If you want a piece of me, just don't take that piece!

Harlan:
Our government-controlled "media..."

Harlan:
Friends, our local 'authorities' have a little message for our charming little community.

Harlan:
(Faced with the truth of the 'invasion:') Giant spiders? What the Hell kind of bullshit is that? (A moment later) Oh my God, THEY'RE HERE! THEY'RE HERE!

Harlan:
I'll lure them off! Defend the human race!

Harlan:
No way you can tell me those things are from Earth!

Chris:
Fine! They're spiders from Mars, you happy?!

Harlan:
...No.