Entourage

Ari Gold:
Let's hug it out, b*tch.

Ari Gold:
Call me Helen Keller because I'm a f***ing miracle worker!

Vince:
[talking to Eric at a Hollywood party] Look at where we are. Did you ever think we'd have this?

Justine Chapin:
[Justine and Vince are flirting in a club] You're gonna have to work for it.

Vince:
I got into this business so I wouldn't have to work.

Ari Gold:
I thought you already were his manager, because believe me, I would not put up with this much sh*t from anyone who wasn't.

Eric:
Yeah, I know I am, but I want to do it for real, you know? I want to have the conversation, lock it in.

Ari Gold:
So you come to me for advice. I'm gonna f***ing cry. All right, here's what you do. You deal with talent the same way that you deal with women. You have to make them believe that they need you more then you need them.

Eric:
He doesn't need me that much.

Ari Gold:
Of course he doesn't need you. You're f***ing worthless. I could get a million morons to come in here and do the job. That's not the point.

Eric:
Then what is the point, Ari?

Ari Gold:
The point is that he is an insecure f***, like all beautiful-but-handed-everything-on-a-silver-platter people. He doesn't trust anyone in this world but you. You've been born into royalty, baby. You know it. Now you just gotta be thankful and wear the crown.

Ari Gold:
Listen, Lloyd, I want you to put all my files, folders, binders, *everything* into a box! If you find a used condom, an executioner's mask, and a f***ing spike paddle, don't think, just pack that b*tch! Chop suey!

[Adam Davies reveals himself to be the traitor within Ari's coup d'?tat]

Adam Davies:
You should be a nicer person. Maybe then people wouldn't f*** you.

Ari Gold:
You talked, Davies?

[Davies turns to leave]

Ari Gold:
Hey, Adam.

Adam Davies:
Yeah, Ari?

Ari Gold:
Just so you know, your girlfriend, when she was in the mailroom, offered to blow me. True story.

Ari Gold:
[Ari doesn't want Vince to do Queens Blvd] You know what they feed people on an indi set, Vinne? Nothing! They don't give you a trailer. They tell you to go sit on an apple box. Ever try to bang an extra on an apple box?

Eric:
Well, if anybody could do it, Vince could.

Vince:
I do have great balance.

Ari Gold:
[leaves his office] Where am I going?

Emily:
Ari, you're twenty minutes late already. Ari, I need to talk to you about something.

Ari Gold:
Walk with me.

Emily:
[starts walking] Vince and the guys are going to a party at Josh Weinstein's.

Ari Gold:
Who's Josh Weinstein?

Emily:
Are you joking? He's your old assistant.

Ari Gold:
I have *many* old assistants.

Emily:
All right, two before me. Before Jackie, after Jerod.

Ari Gold:
Ah-ha, my "J" phase. I think I fired him for stealing pens. Why do I care about Josh?

Emily:
Well, now he's an agent at Triad. And he's the one who gave the boys Queens Boulevard.

[Ari spins around and starts back to his office]

Ari Gold:
That's why no more guys! You fire a guy, you create a rival. You fire a woman, you create a housewife.

Emily:
That's sweet. You're still late.

Ari Gold:
Hold all my calls. And get Mini-Vince on the phone.

Ari Gold:
From now on, ask my permission before you bang one of my assistants.

Eric:
How'd you know that?

Ari Gold:
'Cause I know all, and I could have told you that this would end badly. Now I gotta fire her so you don't feel weird.

Eric:
No. Don't fire her.

Ari Gold:
All right. Well, I'll just sexually harass her until she quits.

Johnny Drama:
I've been working steady for the past twelve years, minus the last three.

[Ari is about to leave his kid's birthday party for business reasons]

Ari's Wife:
Where are you going?

Ari Gold:
They flew in the liver, and I gotta do the transplant.

Ari Gold:
The next one after "Queens Boulevard" is a studio picture: I'm talking franchise, baby. We'll get you the lunchbox. And an action figure with a monster cock.

Vincent Chase:
It's definitely tempting.

Ari Gold:
I love you!

Vincent Chase:
It's not about the awards. If it's good, I'll do it.

Johnny Drama:
If you play gay or retarded you get an Oscar. I'd take in the ass for an Oscar.

Turtle:
You'd take in the ass for a guest spot on The Hughleys.

Turtle:
Don't talk to us like we're adopted, bro.

Turtle:
[looking towards the Pacific Ocean] What direction is that?

Johnny Drama:
That's east, you idiot.

Eric:
It's west, idiot.

[long pause]

Johnny Drama:
Well... I mean, in NY it's east.

Ari Gold:
[after his Viagra has kicked in, to his angry wife] I'm ready to go here, all right? It's like R. Kelly at recess. Honey, honey, what are you doing? Are you kidding me? Baby!

Ari Gold:
[to his wife] You can have it if you want to live in Agoura f***ing Hills and go to group therapy, but if you want a Beverly Hills mansion, a country club membership, and nine weeks a year in a Tuscan villa, then I'm gonna need to take a call when it comes in at noon on a motherf***ing Wednesday!

Johnny Drama:
[at the home of a Hollywood "madam" and her girls] Turtle, if you can't get laid here, turn your dick in.

Ari Gold:
Where the f*** is Peter Cole's office? Right here?

[Ari storms into the room]

Ari Gold:
James Cameron is directing "Aquaman"?

Surprised Kid:
That's great! That's awesome!

Ari Gold:
That's "awesome," huh? You didn't think to bring it up in the f***ing staff meeting? An e-mail? A yellow f***ing sticky-something?

Surprised Kid:
I... I didn't know I was supposed to know that kind of stuff.

Ari Gold:
Well, what is it you're supposed to know, do you think? What the f*** do we pay you for? To get your agency card laminated so you can go to Shelter and try to f*** Mischa Barton?

Surprised Kid:
I didn't... I didn't think...

Ari Gold:
Let me tell you something. You don't have to say anything, you know why? Cause you pick up all your stuff, because you're mother-f***ing fired!

[Ari storms out]

CAA Assistant:
What happened?

Surprised Kid:
I don't know. I came in to drop off Peter's mail and Mr. Gold fired me. My life is over!

Eric:
We gotta get Cameron to see "Queens Boulevard."

Ari Gold:
You haven't even seen it yet!

Eric:
I saw the scenes that Vince looped today. They looked amazing.

Ari Gold:
Great. So you want me to get the biggest director in the game to see some low-budget indie flick that you think is amazing based on some out-of-context scenes from a looping stage.

Ari Gold:
We are gonna get drunk with Russell Crowe and we're gonna head-butt some goddamn kangaroos.

Turtle:
Who the f*** wants a hand job?

Shauna:
It's like prom; you get your date a corsage and she gives you a hand job.

Turtle:
Who the f*** wants a hand job?

Vince:
Johnny Depp's got the kind of career I want.

Eric:
Johhny Depp did "Pirates of the Caribbean". And if I'm not mistaken, he wore a swashbuckling costume and carried a sword.

Turtle:
Yeah, but he already dresses like that in real life, though.

Turtle:
This is where you should be living, Vince. In a kingdom, like a prince.

Eric:
Don't you mean in a kingdom like a king, you idiot?

Vince:
Nah, E. Everyone wants to kill the king. But the prince, he just sails along telling all the ladies, "One day I'm gonna be king."

Turtle:
Jesus Christ, Ari Gold. You just got demoted to Silver.

Ari Gold:
Smoke more weed, Turtle. Seriously, smoke more weed.

Ari Gold:
I'll beat that old f*** and throw him in the pool!

[to his young kids]

Ari Gold:
Only Daddy speaks that way.

[Ari's daughter is practicing for her bat mitzvah]

Ari Gold:
Is it me or is her voice getting worse?

Ari's Wife:
Ari!

Ari Gold:
It doesn't mean that I don't love her, but she's just awful, baby!

Ari Gold:
[answering "emergency" phone call from Eric] There better be a SCUD missile headed towards L.A, Eric.

Eric:
No, Ari, it's a f***ing iceberg.

Ari Gold:
What are you talking about?

Eric:
James Cameron's directing Aquaman.

Ari Gold:
Bullshit. Where'd you hear that, Friendster?

Eric:
Josh Weinstein, a**hole. Now, why don't you get your hand off your dick and go call somebody.

Ari Gold:
Silence is f***ing golden.

Ari's Wife:
What's in the bag?

Ari Gold:
A kilo of blow. What's with all the f***ing questions?

Ari Gold:
Got Milf?

Ari Gold:
Tsetse fly.

Eric:
We had breakup-sex, all right?

Johnny Drama:
Breakup-sex? Never heard of it.

Eric:
Yeah, I mean... you know... you have sex and... that's it - you say goodbye.

Johnny Drama:
[pauses to think] That's the only kinda sex I have.

Ari Gold:
Emily! I want you to go to that party on Saturday, represent the agency, let Vince know that my army's everywhere.

Emily:
Ari, I really don't want to get in the middle of this.

Ari Gold:
You are in the middle of this whether you like it or not, okay? You want to be a hero? You want a medal, or are you a coward?

[Emily looks away]

Ari Gold:
Knock off the hippie sh*t, strap on a helmet, and start shooting. This is Malibu, Emily, I want you to storm that beach like it's f***ing Normandy!

Johnny Drama:
His tears will basically act as the lubricant.

Ari Gold:
That was a good speech, Lloyd. If I was 25 and liked cock, we could be something.

Johnny Drama:
North of Ventura Boulevard is hell's waiting room.

Johnny Drama:
[following Mandy Moore] Too many times, Turtle. Too many times.

Turtle:
He's f***in' a guy, you're gettin' asked out like a little b*tch, I'd say it's a very big deal.

Turtle:
I thought he quit?

Johnny Drama:
Cigarettes, not p*ssy.

Ari Gold:
Tell Drama he's on my to-do list right after inserting needles in my cock!

Turtle:
F***ing art, man. F*** f***ing art!

Ari Gold:
I didn't go to the Lakers game because they were playing the f***ing Bobcats. And I came here today because I thought this was a session on how my wife could learn to communicate, how to answer a question without a question, basic Humanity 101, which I thought, given your wall of f***ing diplomas, you could easily fix, or if you couldn't, you could give her a pill that would either fix it or make her a mute. But now, to turn around and gang up on me? I have work to do. I have hundreds of clients to deal with, and just so we're clear, I don't care about ANY of them. They're all just a number, like wife number one and therapist number seven. GOOD DAY!

Ari Gold:
Dana, I have never cheated on my wife, not since she became my wife. But if you want to jerk me in the car now, I'm game.

[checking out Eric's new office, which consists of a card table and a chair]

Johnny Drama:
Nothing personal, E, but this doesn't exactly say, "I'm Vincent Chase's manager."

Turtle:
Yeah, it says, "I'm *Johnny* Chase's manager."

Ari Gold:
Just know that today, Lloyd, your love of cock is a huge asset to this company.

Ari Gold:
In this envelope, there are the names of eight agents. If anyone catches you, eat it. Nod if you understand me.

Lloyd:
I understand.

Ari Gold:
You can't just f***ing nod? Lloyd, I want you to... to swear your undying loyalty to me.

Lloyd:
Ari...

Ari Gold:
Listen to me, Lloyd. Do you want to make it in this business or fold shirts at a Chinese laundromat? Pledge.

Lloyd:
I pledge my undying loyalty to you, Ari.

Ari Gold:
Good. Now, I want you to go to each of these agents discreetly and say the words "tsetse fly". Say nothing else. Now go.

Lloyd:
Ari, are you leaving the agency...?

Ari Gold:
Silence is f***ing golden, Lloyd.

Ari Gold:
What the f*** are you wearing?

Lloyd:
I'm trying out new looks! This one's my Andre 3000. You like?

Ari Gold:
No, I don't. You look like Michelle Kwan in drag. Why don't you do a triple f***ing axle over the phone and try calling Cameron again?

[repeated line]

Ari Gold:
Lloyd!

Ari Gold:
Lloyd, do you have Vince?

Lloyd:
No, I have Drama, and he says he's been authorized to tell you that Vince will not speak to you until he, Drama, has a job.

Ari Gold:
Really?

Lloyd:
Really.

Ari Gold:
Really? [storms out of his office and into a conference]

Ari Gold:
People. staff meeting has been canceled. You all have one goal today, to get Vincent Chase's brother, Johnny Chase, a job. Any job. I don't care if it's a porn shoot in which he is being gang-raped by a gaggle of silverbacked apes; if there are cameras rolling, everybody wins. Ten grand to anyone who can deliver this to me, TODAY.

Terence:
[about to fire Ari after discovering his attempted coup] People! We have a traitor in our midst. Let this be a lesson to all of you.

Ari Gold:
You're making a very big mistake, Terrence.

Terence:
Oh, that's what Arthur Jensen said in 1973. He was the first conspirator I ever dealt with. Try finding him now, Ari, he's selling auto insurance in Reseda.

Ari Gold:
Ok, people. Most of you are sitting there, and you're looking at this good-looking old man, and you're wondering, "Who the F*** is he?" and you know what, that's exactly what you should be doing. You all know who's been running this company for the past eight years. And you know that when I go, in no time, you will be repping nobodys like Bill from The Apprentice. No one needs to make a decision right now. I will be starting my own agency. Two very important rules will apply: to make everyone on the ground floor rich, and to burn this motherf***ing place to the ground. Lloyd, are you with me?

[Lloyd says nothing. For the first time, Ari's cocky demeanor falters]

Ari Gold:
Lloyd, what are you doing? You and me, we have a special bond. Come on.

Lloyd:
Ari, swear to me that you will never again say anything offensive to me about my race or my sexual orientation

Ari Gold:
I can't swear to that, but I promise that I will always apologize after.

Lloyd:
According to my widget it's 98 degrees.

Ari Gold:
What the f*** is a widget!

Jake Steinberg:
Hi Mr. Gold, I'm Jake Steinberg. HR sent me up to replace your last assistant.

Ari Gold:
I don't care. Get me Eddie Kapowski on the phone.

Jake Steinberg:
Any relation to Kelly Kapowski? You know, "Saved by the Bell"?

Ari Gold:
You're finished. Go. You're f***ing fired.

Lloyd:
Are you hiding something from me, Ari?

Ari Gold:
Only my cock and my a**hole, Lloyd.

Ari Gold:
It's like high school, E. You can't f*** the prom queen until she finds out her best friend jerked you off underneath the bleachers.

[repeated line]

Ari Gold:
Shut the f*** up, Lloyd!

Ari Gold:
Andrew, you have been given a once in a lifetime opportunity to take your lifestyle and your career to the next level. You throw it away on some 22 year old, you're gonna be left with nothing but herpes!

Andrew Klein:
She's 26!

Ari Gold:
Oh, *Jesus* Christ!

Ari Gold:
Hey Lloyd, get in here. I want to make out with you.

Lloyd:
Coming.

Ari Gold:
Cole! Where the f*** is Peter Cole's office? Right here?

[Ari storms into the room]

Ari Gold:
James Cameron is directing "Aquaman"?

Man:
That's great! That's awesome!

Ari Gold:
That's "awesome", huh? You didn't think to bring it up in the f***ing staff meeting? An e-mail? A yellow f***ing sticky something?

Man:
I didn't know I was supposed to know that kind of stuff.

Ari Gold:
Well, what is it you're supposed to know, do you think? Huh? What the f*** do we pay you for? To get your agency card laminated so you can go to Shelter and try to f*** Mischa Barton?

Man:
[panicked] I didn't... I didn't think... I... I didn't...

Ari Gold:
Let me tell you something. You don't have to say anything. You know why? Cause you pick up all your stuff...

[sweeps everything off the desk onto the floor]

Ari Gold:
...because you're motherf***ing fired!

[Ari storms out]

CAA Assistant:
What happened?

Man:
I don't know. I was... I was dropping off Peter's mail and then Mr. Gold fired me. My life is over!

Chris:
What do you need this money for? You in trouble?

Johnny 'Drama' Chase:
No no, it's nothing like that. It's elective surgery.

Chris:
What are you getting your nose done?

Johnny 'Drama' Chase:
No. Implants. Calf implants.

Chris:
You're sicker than I thought.

Mrs. Ari:
[at couples therapy] I ask for one hour out of day for his undevided attention, and I can't even have that.

Ari Gold:
You can have it if you want to live in Agoura f***ing Hills and go to group therapy, but if you want a Beverly Hills mansion and you want a country club membership and you want nine weeks a year in a Tuscan villa, then I'm gonna need to take a call when it comes in at noon on a motherf***ing Wednesday!

Ari's Wife:
[Mrs Ari has caught Ari trying to slip away from the house] Where are you going, Ari?

Ari Gold:
I have a meeting.

Ari's Wife:
At the Playboy Mansion? [looks at pajamas sticking out of Ari's slacks]

Ari Gold:
Playboy Mansion, whorehouses, strip clubs, that's where the meetings are. It's my f***ing job.

Ari's Wife:
I want three weeks in the south of France with the children.

Ari Gold:
Oh my God baby, [kisses her] of course you can go.

Ari's Wife:
With you. And if you're not home by 2AM, I'm gonna be standing at the gate screaming 'Ari Gold, super agent, forgot his Viagra.'

Ari Gold:
It's all good.

Turtle:
Please?

Vince:
What's so special about these two?

Turtle:
If you get us tickets, these two will f*** us, guaranteed!

Vince:
How do you know?

Turtle:
Because they said if you get them tickets, they'll f*** us.

Johnny Drama:
It's like chummin' for sharks, Vince. You throw enough blood and guts in the water, you're bound to catch a great white.

Eric:
Yeah, except there's gonna be fifty girls at the party who all show up thinkin' they're your dates.

Turtle:
And what happens when fifty sharks show up lookin' for their goodies, E?

Johnny Drama, Turtle:
Feeding frenzy!

Ari Gold:
Baby.

Mrs. Ari:
Yeah?

Ari Gold:
I woke up with wood.

Mrs. Ari:
And why is that my problem?

Lloyd:
I'm sorry you feel that way, Ari.

Ari Gold:
You're sorry, Lloyd? You have no idea how sorry you're going to be! I am going to destroy you. I am going to erode every fiber of your spirit! You no longer exist. You are dead to me, and the town will know that anyone meeting with you, speaking with you, or even nodding to you on the street will be dead as well! So die, Lloyd. DIE DIE DIE! And when you're gagging on Davies' balls, I want you to bite down so he can die too!

Johnny "Drama" Chase:
I remember I broke up with Stacy Laruzso a week before Valentine's Day. I got back with her a week after. No chocolates, no roses...

Eric Murphy:
No class.

Johnny "Drama" Chase:
Yeah, Vince. Let's do a Tarantino movie. He could revive me like he did for Travolta.

Turtle:
Be more like reviving Freddie "Boom Boom" Washington.

Ari Gold:
I'm just saying be discreet... No hand-holding at the Grove. No canoodling on Melrose.

Vincent Chase:
Canoodling?

Shauna:
No finger-banging her courtside at the Lakers game...

Vincent Chase:
We look at it like we've been dating for five years, with a four-and-a-half year break.

Johnny "Drama" Chase:
You know Brooke Shields was the first girl I ever seriously jerked off to.

Turtle:
That's romantic, Drama. You should tell her.

Johnny "Drama" Chase:
In the comforting scene, I thought that maybe a little kiss might add some pathos.

Brooke Shields:
Kiss?

Johnny "Drama" Chase:
Yeah, nothing crazy; more in love than lust.

Brooke Shields:
You're playing my brother.

Johnny "Drama" Chase:
[feigns surprise] Really? I didn't even get a full script.

Vincent Chase:
You want to take me to the Nuart for a Godard double feature?

Sasha Grey:
You could use some culture.

Vincent Chase:
Who the f*** are you?

Sasha Grey:
Just a cool chick who likes art and sex.

Gary Busey:
You are a gut maggot without guts.

Ari Gold:
Geez, you're gonna spin off this planet. That's great! Keep it up!

Ari Gold:
Does your boss know your using his house for a party? Cause I just put a call into him. Yeah, we went to school together. I helped cheat on his economics final or he wouldn't have graduated so he owes me big-time.

Ari Gold:
You know another class I took at Harvard? Business Ethics. I don't steal other people's mother f***ing clients, but in your case I'm going to make an exception. I'm going to take everyone; your B-level sitcom stars, your reality-TV writers, when I'm done with you, you're gonna be repping sideshow freaks. You need Jo-Jo the Dog-Face-B*tch-Boy? Call Josh Weinf***, the lightweight pen-stealing f***face.

Ari Gold:
[tastes Josh's drink and pours it out] That's awful.

Gary Busey:
In the name of art, and everything art stands for, remember this: art is only the search, it is not the final form.

Johnny "Drama" Chase:
Yeah, I remember my first national commercial.

Eric Murphy:
Oh what was that Valtrex?

Johnny "Drama" Chase:
Yeah it was, so f***ing what? Got me my Fiat, plus I got a blowj*b from the makeup girl... put my sores on.

Eric Murphy:
Ari, I'm getting killed here. Vince isn't happy.

Ari Gold:
Of course he's not happy. Nobody's happy in this town except for the losers. Look at me, I'm miserable... that's why I'm rich.

Ari Gold:
I tell you what, Domino's is hiring. Why don't you put that little pizza sign on top of your Maserati? Now that is comedy.

Eric Murphy:
Getting dragged through your office in front of your entire staff by a guy half your size, now that's tragedy.

Eric Murphy:
He says he doesn't wanna do a commercial... that's it.

Ari Gold:
For half a million dollars.

Vincent Chase:
What was the director's name again?

Ari Gold:
Cha-ching! I'm sorry... Chaing Chung, boom!

Ari Gold:
I got the cash you wanted.

Eric Murphy:
Oh yeah? What, did you dust your tranny gear and hit Santa Monica Blvd.?

Turtle:
All right. Let's get this over with. Where do I take the piss test?

X-Box Girl:
The what?

Turtle:
The drug test. I drank three bottles of water in the car for this, so could we just get this over with, please?

X-Box Girl:
This is X-box, loser... not the Olympics. We don't give drug tests. If we did, we'd be out of business, idiot.

Johnny "Drama" Chase:
Sucker!

Ari Gold:
Chang Chung is the hottest director in Hong Kong. Tarantino has already decided he's the next guy he wants to steal from.

Vince:
Cool. Guy must be good. Tarantino only steals from the best.

Ari Gold:
That's right, baby.

Ari Gold:
[on the phone with E] Where are you? It sounds like you're getting f***ed with a jackhammer.

Sarah Gold:
$10 in the curse jar, daddy.

Eric Murphy:
I'm test driving a new car.

Ari Gold:
Matchbox or Hot Wheels?

Ari Gold:
When my father gave away my car, I was forced to lose my virginity on the back of a moped.

Eric Murphy:
He's already started to learn Spanish.

Ari Gold:
I know, he's left 15 messages on the machine. The wife thinks I'm f***ing the gardener.

Turtle:
Good to see you finally embracing your inner mooch, E.

Ari Gold:
[to his maid] It's all right, you keep an ear out. You've got a big gift for Navidad coming, okay?

Turtle:
Vince said that you were going to come here and listen to me...

Ari Gold:
"Vince said he'd throw me a piece of p*ssy because he's famous..." Whatever you want, Turtle, okay? I will rep you, all right?

Ari Gold:
You want to hire Max Ballard. He's Dakota Fanning with a dick.

Ari Gold:
Noah can build an ark and save all of God's creatures in 40 days. He can't shoot a movie in 65?

Ari Gold:
How about a quick blowj*b before my Vince dinner?

Johnny Drama:
Just like Tiger at Sawgrass!

Eric:
More like my six year old niece at Nunley's, Drama.

Paul Haggis:
In this movie I'd like you to play what I call a human being. You see, together I want to humanize one of the greatest monsters of all time. What I want is that even after the audience sees you ruthlessly slaughter, like, a thousand people, I still want them to care. I want them to care so much, that when you die they f***in' weep. They won't want to, they'll hate themselves for it, but they will f***ing weep.

Vincent Chase:
I have to do this movie.

Eric:
Paul, he's got a contract.

Paul Haggis:
A contract? Oh, if I let contracts run my life I'd still be doing The Facts of Life rather then hangin' with my boys. [Indicates his trophy case]

Mrs. Ari:
Could I have the car keys please?

Ari Gold:
Come on! There's a cab stand at f***ing Yukka!

Mrs. Ari:
Give me the f***ing keys!

Ari Gold:
[hands over the keys] Drop me off?

Ari Gold:
Who's got the number one movie in the country, motherf***er?

Eric Murphy:
We beat the squirrel?

Ari Gold:
Number one live action film in the country!

Eric Murphy:
Did you even get a date yet, Turtle?

Turtle:
Course I got a date. We have to pick her up from the Burbank Airport in one hour.

Eric Murphy:
What is she? A Russian mail order bride?

Ari Gold:
I had video sex with an Ecuadorian girl this morning.

Eric Murphy:
I hope she was 18. Federal offense if not.

Eric Murphy:
Name one girl you ever pulled off the internet.

Turtle:
There's all sorts of confidentiality agreements with these sites. I ain't telling you sh*t!

Johnny 'Drama' Chase:
She gave me the ride of my life. I just hung on to those lats, simmered all control.

Turtle:
You know, if I was holdin' onto those lats, I'd think I was f***in' Evander Holyfield!

Vincent Chase:
[about Drama, after he is late to cook breakfast] He got a girl.

Eric Murphy:
Really, who?

Turtle:
I don't know, he must have ordered in late night. Woke me up at like 4:30. Sounded like a couple of baboons f***in'.

Eric Murphy:
What time is it?

Ari Gold:
It's time for you to wake the f*** up. I already shot a 72 b*tch!

Eric Murphy:
What on the front 9?

Ari Gold:
Yeah, that's funny cunty.

Ari Gold:
You f***ing my assistant?

Vincent Chase:
Nooooo!

Ari Gold:
Last thing I want to do is fire one of your f***-buddies. You know that. You know that right?

Turtle:
It'll be like Prom.

Eric Murphy:
So I guess you won't have a date then?

Turtle:
I told you ten thousand f***ing times, she had food poisoning.

Turtle:
[about Drama's muscular girlfriend] Where'd you meet her, Drama? The Barry Bonds hearing?

Ari Gold:
You think my assistant's hot?

Eric Murphy:
Yeah, I do.

Ari Gold:
I think I'll hit that.

Vincent Chase:
[Talking about his new movie] I can't watch myself again.

Johnny 'Drama' Chase:
I love watching myself.

Eric Murphy:
Too bad the audience doesn't.

Turtle:
[about Drama] He's f***ing a guy, [about Eric] your getting asked out like a little b*tch, I'd say its a very big deal.

Turtle:
[opening up an envelope of fanmail] Aww, picture request. Nice enough to send the money for the stamp. [He pockets the money] [Both Vince and Eric look up] Relax, I'll send the picture.

Ari Gold:
He's never had a straight agent. If I'm going to be his first, I have to show him I'm a friend to the gay man.

Lloyd:
But, you're not a friend to the gay man, Ari.

Ari Gold:
Lloyd, this is the big one. So just go grab your best dress and know that today your love of cock is a huge asset to this company.

Ari Gold:
Sacrifice, Lloyd! Like the kamikaze pilots used to do!

Ari Gold:
My assistant's about to be gang-raped by a gang of one!

Mrs. Ari:
Tomorrow's a new day, Ari. Remember, you always have a chance to get it back.

Ari Gold:
We're Jews, baby. No, we don't.

Ari Gold:
We may be whores at my agency, but we ain't pimps!

Johnny 'Drama' Chase:
In certain cultures it's illegal to look this good.

Eric Murphy:
Yeah, you're a regular f***ing felony, Drama.

Ari Gold:
[to Turtle] Hey, moron. He's thirteen.

Johnny Drama:
In celeb years it's like 30.

Eric:
So what does that make you, Drama. Like 140?

Johnny Drama:
So, you're admitting I'm a celeb.

Dom:
So what kind of fruit name is "Ari" anyway?

Johnny 'Drama' Chase:
John Stamos?

Phil Yagoda:
Yeah. Think he can play the other guy?

Johnny 'Drama' Chase:
Maybe, I don't know. You think he's better looking than me?

Phil Yagoda:
Maybe, John.

Vincent Chase:
Aw E, these guys are just better cause you're on a hot streak.

Johnny 'Drama' Chase:
The guy's got more p*ssy the last month than the previous 29 years. I wouldn't call it a hot streak, I would call it entering the Twilight Zone.

Johnny 'Drama' Chase:
P*ssy can smell other p*ssy, and they have to pounce on it. That's why when you're on a hot streak you gotta press it like blackjack.

Ari Gold:
Oh, didn't you hear? Andrew just signed another showrunner.

Barbara Miller:
Oh, I did. Very impressive.

Ari Gold:
So you owe me either an apology or a blowj*b. Your choice.

Barbara Miller:
Oh okay, Ari, I apologize, but I think Andrew should blow you.

Ari Gold:
You said Andrew was a deadbeat; the only one sucking is you.

Johnny "Drama" Chase:
We don't wanna tell you she's a b*tch, then two weeks later you get back together and you're mad at us for saying that.

Eric Murphy:
It's over.

Johnny "Drama" Chase, Turtle:
She's a b*tch!

Eric:
Could you get laid without Vince? That's the question.

Turtle:
Do I give a f***? That's the answer!

Ari Gold:
I gotta know what you think, so I can get you to think what I think.

Ari Gold:
They drive that way in Tiananmen Square, b*tch?

Turtle:
Check out the tits on the girl from "Extra".

Turtle:
[about Kristen] She was in the middle of 40 Deuce with her hand down Vince Vaughn's pants.

Eric:
She had her hand down his pants?

Johnny Drama:
Both of 'em.

Eric:
Vince Vaughn? That puffy motherf***er?

Johnny Drama:
No bro, he didn't look puffy at all... He was lookin' real good.

Turtle:
Yeah, it was kinda like "Swingers" Vince Vaughn, not "Old School" Vince Vaughn. It's kinda like New School Vince Vaughn.

Jane:
Look, it's not like I don't think you're cute, but I'm just still hoping I'm going to be the one that f***s Vince.

Turtle:
Sweetheart, look around. Vince is gone. So's your sister and your best friend. Come on, just make out with me, I'll show you where Vince eats breakfast.

Vincent Chase:
That's what good actors do, they listen. Right, Johnny?

Johnny "Drama" Chase:
[not listening] What?

Ari Gold:
It's Die Hard at Disneyland, what's not to love?

Terence McQuewick:
People, we have a traitor in our midst. Let this be a lesson to all of you.

Ari Gold:
You're making a very big mistake, Terence.

Terence McQuewick:
That's what Arthur Jensen said in 1973. He was the first conspirator that I ever dealt with. Try finding him now, Ari. He's selling auto insurance in Reseda.

Ari Gold:
Okay, people, most of you are sitting there and you're looking at this good-looking old man and you're wondering, "Who the f*** is he?" And you know what? That's exactly what you should be doing. You all know who's been running this company for the past eight years. And you all know that when I go, in no time you will be repping nobodys like Bill from "The Apprentice." No one needs to make a decision right now. I will be starting my own agency. Two very important goals will apply - to make everyone who is in at the ground floor rich, and to burn this motherf***ing place to the ground! Lloyd, are you with me?

Ari Gold:
[Lloyd remains silent. Ari approaches him] Lloyd, what are you doing? You and me we have a special bond. Come on, let's go.

Lloyd:
Ari, swear to me that you will never again say anything offensive to me about my race or my sexual orientation.

Ari Gold:
I can't swear to that, but I promise I will always apologize after.

Johnny "Drama" Chase:
That's what happens at Gucci. You buy a pair of shoes and they let you f*** your ex-fiance.

Turtle:
I'm two cars back. What do you want from me?

Johnny "Drama" Chase:
Always keep two-fifths of a block between you and your subject.

Turtle:
Oh, what, have you done this before, Drama?

Johnny "Drama" Chase:
Too many times, Turtle. Too many times.

Turtle:
Nobody ever wants to believe you're being two-timed, Turtle.

Johnny "Drama" Chase:
How many times have you been cheated on, Drama?

Turtle:
Too many, Turtle. Too many.

Ari Gold:
No e-mails, no faxes, no phone calls, no nothing. Simply silence, Lloyd.

Lloyd:
Ari...

Ari Gold:
Silence, Lloyd. It's golden.

Ari Gold:
Listen, Lloyd. Do you want to make it or do want to fold shirts at a Chinese laundry?

Ari Gold:
Lloyd, pack up all my files. Pile everything you see into a box. Everything! You see a used condom, an executioner's mask, and a goddamn spiked paddle... don't think, just pack that b*tch. Chop suey!

Ari Gold:
Ernesto. How many f***ing pesos did I give you for Christmas? Huh, Ernesto? Every Christmas for the past decade. Half of Mexico is eating on my tips that I have given you. Now, bring my motherf***ing car now, por favor.

Ernesto:
Sorry, Mr. Gold, I can't do it. Oh, and Mr. Gold. I'm from Guatemala, and our currency is the quetzal.

Lloyd:
[after Ari is fired from the Agency] You will bounce back from this Ari Gold.

Ari Gold:
I drove to work in a 80 thousand dollar mercedes, im driving home in a prop car from the fast and the furious, I just don't see it.

Johnny "Drama" Chase:
[Brian's Song] The ultimate guy-cry movie.

Turtle:
Uh-huh. He cries in front of her, shows her he's sensitive... bang! He moves right in.

Johnny "Drama" Chase:
Yeah, his tears will basically act as a lubricant.

Lloyd:
I've worked 18 hours a day to save up the money to put myself through Stanford Business School. While I was there, I cleaned the cafeteria during the hours I wasn't studying and still graduated top of my class, only to take a job delivering mail to unappreciative overpaid little cocksuckers. Then to finally get the big promotion that would allow me to answer your phones and be both racially and sexually harassed for the next nine months. But I know the endgame... and you Ari Gold, you are it. So stop your f***ing whining, and go into your gorgeous three million dollar house, with your beautiful goddess wife and figure out how you're going to make both of our lives happen... tomorrow!

Ari Gold:
That was a good speech, Lloyd. Yeah if I was 25 and liked cock, we could be something.

Ari Gold:
I'm gonna skull-f*** you, Davies!

Ari Gold:
What do you mean he's not coming back?

Eric Murphy:
You want me to say it in Spanish?

Eric Murphy:
[about a script Ari slept on] Now it's Ed Norton's home run, ya jerkoff.

Ari Gold:
Well, did they sell the script, ya c*nt face?

Eric Murphy:
Not yet, d*ckhead!

Ari Gold:
Well then it's still free, ya overpaid undersized b*tch!

Eric Murphy:
You wanna go, Ari? Seriously, let's just go right here, cause you know what? You've never been hit in the face with anything besides a cock and you know it!

Ari Gold:
DO I LOOK HAPPY?

Ari Gold:
[answers phone] Dana Gordon!

Dana Gordon:
Ari, I love you and I swear I will rub your cock like it's 1990.

Ari Gold:
Whoa whoa whoa, Dana you're on speaker. I got Vince and E here.

Dana Gordon:
Jesus Christ.

Vincent Chase, Eric Murphy:
Hi, Dana.

Ari Gold:
We all wanted to be in the room to celebrate together.

Vincent Chase:
Celebrate what?

Ari Gold:
Boys, you are talking to the new head of the studio. Madam President, what's your first order of business?

Dana Gordon:
'Smokejumpers', Vince. You're in.

Vincent Chase:
You're kidding me.

Ari Gold:
And she's gonna pay you your quote.

Dana Gordon:
It's the second lead.

Ari Gold:
You're gonna pay him his quote or Vincent Chase is going to announce on TMZ that the new head of the studio calls agencies and offers up handjobs.

Dana Gordon:
Alright, enough, Ari. Vince, I will take good care of you.

Vincent Chase:
Thank you!

Eric Murphy:
Thank you, Dana!

Ari Gold:
I love you, Dana.

Dana Gordon:
I love you too, and for real this time.

Ari Gold:
I'll call you later about that tug.

Lloyd:
You know, Ari, now that things are back on track, can we talk about my promotion?

Ari Gold:
You know what, Lloyd, I wanna learn Chinese first so I can give it to you in your native tongue.

Amanda Daniels:
I am not making deals with you.

Ari Gold:
Then unfortunately I'm gonna have to stand in your way.

Amanda Daniels:
If you wanted this job you would've taken it but we both know you won't cause you'll miss your little clients too much.

Ari Gold:
And we both know that you've already f***ed all of yours, so maybe you can move on to bigger and better.

Amanda Daniels:
Look, you're gonna have to find another way to bring your once-upon-a-time movie star client back from the dead.

Ari Gold:
Not bitter, huh?

Amanda Daniels:
F*** you, Ari. You can kiss your relationship with that studio goodbye.

Ari Gold:
No, *you* can kiss your motherf***ing dream job goodbye 'cause you're right, I didn't want this job, but now I'm gonna take it just to spite you!

Ari Gold:
Jeter and A-Rod let their d*cks fly in the same locker room and they f***in hate each other!

Ari Gold:
[calling Eric in his office] Like the new office number, E. You know it spells 274-cock?

Turtle:
[Turtle just landed in Auckland after breaking up with Jamie] You have any idea how quickly I can get to Rome?

Flight Attendant:
Sir, we just landed from Los Angeles.

Turtle:
Oh yeah I'm trying to break the Guinness World Record for most miles traveled in a 24 hour period!

[leaving a message on Vince's answering machine, Matt is trying to recruit Vince for a charity]

Matt Damon:
Vince, this is Matt Damon. Listen, I just had a really disturbing phone call with the foundation. It's been over a week, I'm in Haiti at the moment, and I understand your check has not come. It has not come, Vince? Don't you f***ing push me, Vince! Don't push me, send the check! You do what's right, Vince. You gave me your word, you gave LeBron your world. Let me tell you something man, I never even thought you were a f***ing good actor; I thought you were terrible. Aquaman? Queens Boulevard? They stink, they f***ing stink. I can't even believe you have money to give to a foundation, but the fact is that you DO, and you gave me your word that you would! So GIVE ME THE F***ING CHECK, VINCE! I can't believe I have an Academy Award and I'm calling you back! Again and again and again, you COCKSUCKER! SEND ME THE CHECK!

Dr. Marcus:
[Ari and Mrs Ari discuss Terrance's buyout offer with the marriage therapist, and the real reason comes to light after Mrs Ari mentions Terrance, Adam Davies, and Lloyd] Is it true? Do you want to destroy these people, Ari?

Ari Gold:
Okay, yes, if could *gouge out* Terrance McQuewick's eyeballs and eat them for what he did to me, I would! And I would sell that Benedict Arnold Adam Davies into white slavery if we lived in a place that had a market for it. And LLOYD, that little queen, who I welcomed into my home and allowed to play with my children and care for my dog and who left me for those two scumbags, I would tie him up and allow the entire Screen Actors Guild to anally rape him if not for the fact that I'd know he would enjoy it. I hate 'em all, and yes, I want to see them destroyed. But *that* is not why I want this company. I want, no, I *need* this company, because it's good business. It's good goddamn business and if I don't buy it, someone else will and that will be very very bad for my business. And my wife, of all people, should know, that when it comes to business, my judgment is never clouded, so please...

[pleads to Mrs Ari]

Ari Gold:
Please, support me like you always have, and I will deliver for us, like I always have.

Dr. Marcus:
So, what do you think?

Ari's Wife:
I think that was a good speech.

Dr. Marcus:
Yeah.

Ari's Wife:
Do what you need to do, Ari.

Ari Gold:
Really?

[Mrs Ari nods]

Ari Gold:
I love you.

[Kisses Mrs Ari]

Ari Gold:
[to therapist] Can we f*** in here?

Ari Gold:
[At the TMA offices, Ari has just terminated Adam Davies and several other employees at paintball gunpoint, and is now looking for Lloyd] Now where's Lloyd Lee?

Black Employee:
Mr Lee knew you were coming, Mr Gold. He decided that he will not wait for your arrival.

Ari Gold:
Now why don't I believe you? [shoots upward then walks somewhere else] Now Lloyd, maybe you're not here, maybe you are. Either way, you have nothing to fear, because I'm not gonna kill you. I love you! You see even though you betrayed me, you were the best slave that I've ever had. I mean, who could possibly replace the way that you picked up my dry cleaning? No one! Who could better the way you picked up my dog sh*t, and if I liked short, fat men sucking on my dick, I'm sure that no one could do it better than you either. So, return to the king, or exile yourself from this town forever! You have until the end of the day tomorrow to agree to be rebranded *mine*!

Agent #2:
[Ari on the loose terminating agents with a paintball gun] I represent Jon & Kate Plus Eight.

Bono:
Get off your arse, Vince.

Matt Damon:
That's Bono, Vince.

Vincent Chase:
Oh, uh, hey Bono.

Bono:
You know, it doesn't take much to have a big effect here, Vince.

Vincent Chase:
Yeah.

Matt Damon:
I'll tell you what - when you finish your Frank Darabont movie, I'm gonna take you on a trip, okay?

Vincent Chase:
Yeah, for sure.

Matt Damon:
In the near term, I would like a check.

Vincent Chase:
Oh... kay, for how much?

Matt Damon:
Do what's right, Vince!

Bono:
Don't be a cheapskate, man!

Matt Damon:
Do it today, okay? Don't make me wait; I will be waiting.

Bono:
We'll both be waiting.

Ari Gold:
Listen, you crawled over here for a reason. What is it?

Terrance McQuewick:
I want to make this deal work.

Ari Gold:
Well then I suggest you go find a buyer who will let you push them around, 'cause it ain't gonna be me.

Terrance McQuewick:
I want you to buy it.

Ari Gold:
Why? Because you miss having some sort of control over me?

Terrance McQuewick:
Listen, I'm smart enough to know that I never had control over you.

Ari Gold:
No, not while I was working for you, or shall I say with you. I was your number one asset; we used to laugh at all those other d*ckheads, but you became one when you threw me out of the company that *I* built!

Terrance McQuewick:
Look, let's put the past behind us. The future's yours; don't destroy my legacy out of spite.

Ari Gold:
Admit that you destroyed me out of spite, out of bitterness, and out of jealousy.

Terrance McQuewick:
Is that what all this is about, you want me to apologize? Poor, hurt little boy still pines for his daddy's approval?

Ari Gold:
I became too big for you and you couldn't handle it.

Terrance McQuewick:
No, I couldn't handle your rotten ego, or your extraordinary salary demands!

Ari Gold:
Bullshit!

Terrance McQuewick:
So, this is why you won't let me keep my name?

Ari Gold:
If you don't like it then you can go find someone else.

Terrance McQuewick:
I don't want anyone else. You're the only one who can take this company forward for the next fifty years.

Ari Gold:
Well then apologize.

Terrance McQuewick:
I just did.

Ari Gold:
You know what I'm looking forward to, Terrance?

Terrance McQuewick:
No, what's that?

Ari Gold:
Walking through this place Terminator style and eradicating all the deadweight.

Terrance McQuewick:
Well, unlike you, I have a soft heart.

Ari Gold:
Hahaha, soft as a diamond.

Johnny "Drama" Chase:
Nobody takes cabs in L.A., Turtle.

Turtle:
That's 'cause no one can figure out what color they are... I mean they got blue ones, green ones, red ones, white ones.

Johnny "Drama" Chase:
F*** a city where the cabs aren't monochromatic yellow.

Vincent Chase:
Sorry I'm late. You know how hard it is to break away from a good spooning.

Johnny "Drama" Chase:
I'm telling you, once your car's been stolen, it never runs the same again. It's like a guy sleeping with your girl. He leaves his mark all over her.

Barbara Miller:
So Ari, who's gonna be running this shindig, you or me?

Ari Gold:
You've got the biggest cock in the room, Babs. Why don't you kick it off?

Barbara Miller:
Oh I don't know about that, Ari. We haven't seen Eric's yet.

Vincent Chase:
I've never been like this in my life, guys. And the truth of the matter is, I don't even give a f*** about the movie anymore. I could live with Mandy in a one-bedroom in Chatsworth and I'd be happy.

Barbara Miller:
I want you to listen the f*** up.

Turtle:
Stop being so white, Drama.

Ari Gold:
A little memory trick, when they introduce themselves: word association. Like you say "Eric Murphy" I think loser.

Eric Murphy:
Like Ari Gold - douchebag?

Robin:
Hello gentlemen, I'm Robin. How can I help you?

Johnny "Drama" Chase:
How you doing, girl? We're looking for a silky smooth rhyming cat named Saigon.

Robin:
Was that English?

[in a room with Mandy Moore's agents]

Ari Gold:
They're just asking you to get Vince to put this relationship on hold until the movie's over.

Eric Murphy:
Ari, the guy's in love, all right? He's not going to put his relationship on hold, but I promise you he will be where he needs to be. You guys do the same thing with Mandy and we'll be fine, okay? You done? Nice meeting you. [begins walking out]

Barbara Miller:
Eric. You don't want to wind up spinning dough at that f***ing pizza place again, do you?

Ari Gold:
I told her a little bit about you.

[Eric walks over to Barbara]

Eric Murphy:
Listen Babs, you don't want to talk to me like that, cause I don't care who you are. Yes, I am Vince's manager, but we've also been best friends since we were 6 years old, and I don't appreciate sitting in a room discussing his personal life with a bunch of f***ing strangers.

Johnny 'Drama' Chase:
I got a lifetime of looking over my shoulder to look forward to. I'm like Henry Hill.

Ari Gold:
[about Scott's honeymoon with Laurie] I'm sure wherever you go with this little hottie will be more than amazing. F***, it'll be orgasmic! I mean, I'm sorry I don't mean to be rude, but ever since you got here I have not been able to take my eyes off your ass - I mean, it is... it's the perfect shape! It's like God came down, handcrafted it, put it on a little silver tray, and hand delivered it to my man Scotty! Bravo, Scotty boy! Bravo! I'm gonna get some scotch!

Pauly Shore:
You got "Got"!

Dana Gordon:
[regarding Ari's job offer] I wanna be under you.

Ari Gold:
I told you, Dana, my wife's in the car!

Lloyd:
How was the funeral, Ari?

Ari Gold:
It was delightful, are you kidding? Alan hasn't looked that good in years.

Eric:
[waking up at 5:30 to dial Ari] Enjoy this, motherf***er.

Ari's Wife:
[hearing Ari's phone ring] Who died?

Ari Gold:
No one yet.

[answers phone]

Ari Gold:
What?

Eric:
It looks like I woke you up this time, Ari.

Ari Gold:
No, but you did wake my wife and kids, d*ckhead. Vinnie better be sitting in prison with a DUI or something, is he?

Eric:
No...

Ari Gold:
Then what the f*** do you want, c*nt muscle?

Ari Gold:
Hey, hey, boys are looking sharp.

Johnny "Drama" Chase:
Uh hey, thanks, Ari.

Ari Gold:
Actually, I meant the other boys.

Johnny 'Drama' Chase:
What, you've never seen a shaved box before?

Turtle:
I don't groom my dick.

Johnny 'Drama' Chase:
Are you kidding? It's 2010, you better!

Ari Gold:
I don't wanna talk to anybody, was I not clear? Nobody! I don't care if Justin Bieber calls and wants to negotiate the rights to his virginity, I don't wanna talk to him!

Billy Walsh:
Once you're an addict, you're always an addict.

Ari Gold:
Lame!

Billy Walsh:
I can't even have one sip of beer.

Johnny 'Drama' Chase:
Why, what'd happen?

Billy Walsh:
After about a week, I'd be hold up in my grandmother's house with my penis tied off looking for a vein.

Eric:
Hey look this guy has a website that gets 1 million hits a day, he can sink a movie faster than Stephan Dorf.

Shauna:
Hey watch it a**hole that's my client.

Turtle:
Jesus Christ. Ari Gold... you just got demoted to Silver.

Shauna:
Just look at the guy like a prom date. You buy him a corsage, he'll at least give you a handjob.

Jesse Jane:
Promoting my new comic book, "P*ssy Patrol."

Johnny "Drama" Chase:
Nice.

Jesse Jane:
It's just me and the girls. We lick ass by day and kick ass by night.

Turtle:
How the f*** you know Jesse Jane? You know how much Lubriderm I burned through on that broad?

Turtle:
Aquaman's in trouble, all right. The fate of Atlantis and all of mankind lies in your hands. It's time to unleash the power of the p*ssy.

Jesse Jane:
So, what brings you to Dorkapalooza?

Johnny "Drama" Chase:
Victory!

Vincent Chase:
It's sad to watch the kids leave the nest.

Eric Murphy:
Remember me?

Ari Gold:
One never forgets their first love, E.

Hotel Clerk:
I don't see anything under the name 'Saigon'.

Johnny 'Drama' Chase:
He's a black man, about yo high, probably carrying a glock. Do you guys have a metal detector here?

Saigon:
Shut the f*** up, Drama!

Ari:
He'll be back, hack.

Amanda:
Do you want me to walk you to your car? This town isn't safe for a b*tch!

Vincent Chase:
[to Eminem] What, are you too mainstream to fight your own fights, Marshall?

[Em punches him in the face]

Eric Murphy:
[referring to Medellin] He and I kinda have differing views on the movie.

Ari Gold:
Differing how?

Eric Murphy:
Well, he likes it.

Ari Gold:
He likes it? Vince likes the movie. Then why the f*** are you here?

Eric Murphy:
Because he's wrong! Look, I don't know if he's brainwashed or he's scared to not back his director, I don't know but he's wrong.

Ari Gold:
Did you talk to him about this?

Eric Murphy:
I spoke to him. He hung up on me.

Ari Gold:
He hung up on you. Well I'm hanging up on you in person. Let me explain something to you, I have two philosophies: A. My client is always right, and B. His manager is always an overpaid, useless pain in the ass.

Eric Murphy:
Yeah, my two philosophies are, one, you're a dick, and two, when you realize I'm right you're gonna know you're a dick.

Harvey Weingard:
I f*** people. I don't like getting f***ed.

Ari Gold:
[walking into the conference room to see Rob reading letters off the board due to his successful eye surgery] Great work, Rob. Great work. See if you can read this:

[writing 'Get the f*** out!' on dry-erase board]

Ari Gold:
You're fired, and just in case your ears are f***ed: Get. The F***. Out! And the next person I see juggling, tap dancing, or baton twirling or doing any other circus-like tricks, will join him, all right? One-strike policy applies. Now get back to work. God damn that felt good.

Ari Gold:
That's right, you had your little eye procedure today.

Rob Rubino:
It's actually not a procedure, it was real surgery. They actually had to cut into my eyeball and then they lift the cornea.

Ari Gold:
It's still elective though, right?

Johnny 'Drama' Chase:
All men love women filled with rage.

Johnny 'Drama' Chase:
[to E] You called Ashley "Sloan" and you weren't even mid-f***?

Ari Gold:
[to Lizzie Grant] You so much as eye-f*** another agent in this building, I will deport you naked to the Taliban!

Jaime Pressly:
I'm gonna have a party at my house at the beach tonight if you guys wanna come by...

Vince:
Yeah, of course!

Jaime Pressly:
Okay. [to Ari] And you're kind of invited, too.

Ari Gold:
Thank you, you know I'd love to show up but it's actually anal sex night at the Gold house, so... But thank you for the invite, I'm gonna go home and punish my wife.

Laker Fan:
Down in front! Sit down!

Ari Gold:
I paid two grand for these seats! I'll get out there and launch a three if I want.

[Johnny's staring at the man's calves]

Calf Guy:
What's up?

Johnny 'Drama' Chase:
Huh?

Calf Guy:
You keep staring. What's up?

Johnny 'Drama' Chase:
Oh, I was just... uh... Can I ask you a question?

Calf Guy:
Yeah, what?

Johnny 'Drama' Chase:
Are those real or are they implants?

Bob Saget:
Yeah, come over any time. But hey, don't f*** my daughters... Don't you f*** 'em... I'm just f***in with ya, man.

Turtle:
Did you just get cock blocked by Bob Saget?

Lloyd:
I got Dana Gordon's assistant on the phone

Ari Gold:
What the f*** are you wearing?

Lloyd:
I'm trying out new looks... this one's my Andre3000... you like?

Ari Gold:
No I don't, you look like Michelle Kwan in drag. Why don't you do a triple f***in axle over to the phone and try Cameron again?

Ari Gold:
[Dana Gordon has not returned Ari's calls] I want you to pass this message along to Dana. Tell her that I still have the pictures from Cancun. Tell her that I'm going to start a website. I'm going to take a full page ad out in the L.A. Times advertising it. Tell her it will be called I'm-a-hollywood-executive-whore dot com, and that no password or fee will be required. Tell her I want a f***ing call back!

Ari Gold:
[talking to Lloyd over the phone] I don't care if he's in the Arctic shelf. Get James Cameron on the phone, get Dana Gordon on the phone, tell her assistant that if she does not call me back, I'll f*** her worse than I did in Cabo in '92.

Lloyd:
Do you really want me to say that?

Ari Gold:
Improvise, Lloyd. I'll be there in 90 seconds, find out who covers Warners. If all of this isn't take care of, I'll choke you out with a strap-on!

Eric:
[about being Vince's manager] You know what, I don't even have health insurance.

Ari Gold:
Yeah, but I bet you had it over at Quiznos.

Eric:
Sbarro's. And I had a business card.

Ari Gold:
There you go.

Johnny Drama:
[to the producer] You look familiar.

Audition Producer:
You auditioned for me a couple of years ago.

Johnny Drama:
Oh yeah yeah, how did that go?

Audition Producer:
[pauses, doesn't really know what to say] You know...

Johnny Drama:
Yeah, you can't book 'em all.

Kristen:
You know what your problem is?

Eric:
No, but I have a feeling you do so tell me.

Kristen:
You are addicted to Vince.

Eric:
Great, more textbook psychobabble. C'mon, let's hear it.

Kristen:
When you're around him you feel great, but when you're not you go through withdrawal. And you talk about quitting all the time - classic addiction symptoms.

Eric:
So what, this is all my fault, is that what you're saying?

Kristen:
No! I think you're both f***ed up codependents.

Turtle:
Vince ain't got no weaknesses!

Johnny Drama:
That's a double negative. You just said he's got weaknesses.

Scott Lavin:
Bob, what you don't know about me is that I am 24/7. That is my middle f***ing name - Scotty "24/7" Lavin. What that means is that every time you turn around anywhere, any time, you will be looking at this. [points to face]

Bob Saget:
That's just great, Scotty. That's just what I wanna be looking at while I'm sniffing a line of blow off her ass - your f***ing face.

Ari Gold:
Door number two is a list.

Vincent Chase:
What list?

Ari Gold:
James Cameron's list for Aquagirl. Five of the hottest actresses on the planet, one of which, you will be stuck with in a water tank for nine months. Even if you looked like our skim milk-colored friend E here, you still have a good chance of swimming in-between her legs.

Turtle:
You're telling me we're going to live by the beach. This is sick. This is like Far Rockaway minus the crack whores.

Eric Murphy:
Where is Vince, anyway?

Johnny "Drama" Chase:
I left him in aisle nine with that MILF.

Turtle:
He's probably banging her in the produce section by now.

Vincent Chase:
Sorry Drama. Got a scuba lesson. Take Turtle.

Turtle:
Come on, Vince! I want to learn to scuba. You know how buoyant I am.

Turtle:
Yo, Rufus. Thanks for doing this so quick.

Rufus:
It was nothing. I just repo'd all this sh*t out of Don Johnson's house anyway. The motherf***er tried to pay me with signed "Nash Bridges" DVDs.

Ari Gold:
[Ari picks up the phone] You got Gold.

Johnny Drama:
[a car is driving closely behind Drama's car] What's this guy doing up my ass?

Turtle:
You know the expression: never drive angry?

Johnny Drama:
And this beady-eyed little jerk-off just sitting on his sidekick again, just goading me.

Johnny Drama:
He probably wasn't even talking to anyone.

Johnny Drama:
[the car behind Drama's honks] Get off my ass! Go around me!

Turtle:
Would you pull over and let me drive?

Johnny Drama:
[the car pulls up next to Drama's] Do you really find it necessary to drive up my ass?

driver:
F*** you dude.

Johnny Drama:
Dude? Do you believe this guy? F*** locals. F*** you townie!

Turtle:
Sup, Lloyd.

Lloyd:
Hello, Mr... uh... Turtle.

Ari Gold:
There're no asterisks in this life, only scoreboards, and ours is currently reading "f***ed."

Eric:
[Eric's phone rings at 5 in the morning] Why Ari? Why?

Ari Gold:
I'm in bed E, talk dirty to me.

Eric:
It's five in the morning, Ari.

Ari Gold:
What are you wearing?

Eric:
F*** you!

Ari Gold:
I love when you say f***, say it again.

Ari Gold:
We're gonna dent that headboard. No bullshit. I guarantee you! You will not walk right tomorrow.

Ari Gold:
Okay, see, after the year that I've had and on the most important day of my life you'd think she might ask what I wanted, a nice blowj*b perhaps, where all I could do is just sit back for the first time in nine months and do nothing but admire the top of her head and pray that this f***ing movie opens so I can stop selling off assets like we're f***ing Michael Jackson. Now I have to answer the f***ing batphone when it rings three f***ing times and it's f***ing Vince.

Aquaman Moviegoer:
[getting up from seat] I have to go to the bathroom.

Johnny Drama:
[towel draped over his head] Sit down.

Johnny 'Drama' Chase:
[preparing Vince for a confrontation with Jason Patric] Remind him he got molested in "Sleepers".

Johnny 'Drama' Chase:
[about Jason Patric] You know when he was doing Rush, he stuck real needles in his arm to prep. That's what inspired me to do real coke when I did the Menendez brothers movie.

Eric Murphy:
Weren't you an extra on that?

Ari Gold:
[to Vincent] Listen, take a deep breath and relax. It's all gonna be fine.

Eric Murphy:
How?

Ari Gold:
Because the Jew has arrived and he doesn't like Germans.

Verner Vollstedt:
Cut! Take it from the top, and more passion!

Vincent Chase:
Where?

Verner Vollstedt:
Everywhere!

Eric Murphy:
[about Dana Gordon] So what, you really think she's going to let you replace the director?

Ari Gold:
After what I did for her, she would let us double penetrate her if I asked her.

Verner Vollstedt:
[storming off] I'm not gonna take any more of this sh*t.

Dana Gordon:
Oh yes you f***ing are, get your ass back here. I hired you and you have a movie to finish that you are getting paid a lot of money to do, and that is exactly what is going to f***ing happen! Do you understand me?

Ari Gold:
I do. Anyone else turned on right now?

Ari Gold:
When you took this movie Vinnie Chase was attached and that's how you will finish it.

Verner Vollstedt:
Are you threatening me?

Ari Gold:
If you consider me telling you that you'll be lucky to get a Der Wienerschnitzel commercial in this country if you don't go back to work, then yeah, it's a f***ing threat.

Johnny 'Drama' Chase:
Where's that accent from, you Canadian or something?

Jennie:
I'm British.

Johnny 'Drama' Chase:
I knew it was somewhere smart.

Johnny 'Drama' Chase:
They want me to star in this show, yet Phil keeps me sitting around like a jerkoff? I'd like to see him make Simon Cowell wait around like this!

Ari Gold:
[to Amanda Daniels] I have never hit a woman in my entire life, but I swear to God, in my mind right now I am pummeling your smug face to a pulp for everything you did to me, my career, and my family. But not to worry, all right; I will prevail because I'm a winner and you're a whore with more cleavage than talent, and *I* will not stop until I destroy you!

Manager:
Mr. Gold, I have to insist that you leave.

Ari Gold:
Excellent choice because I have a life to destroy.

Ari Gold:
[about Alan] He's dead, Eric. The joy of me losing was too much for his angry little heart.

Johnny 'Drama' Chase:
[about Turtle being his assistant] No way.

Turtle:
Why not?

Johnny 'Drama' Chase:
Cause what I want in an assistant, you don't have.

Turtle:
And what's that?

Johnny 'Drama' Chase:
An ass I'd wanna f***.

Johnny 'Drama' Chase:
[to Vince] I can give you plenty of advice on how to audition, bro.

Turtle:
He needs advice on how to successfully audition.

Johnny 'Drama' Chase:
Ah, the life of an actor - waitin' around for the phone to ring. There's something kinda exciting about it, no?

Eric Murphy, Turtle:
No.

Johnny 'Drama' Chase:
Pussies.

Vincent Chase:
We said when we started this it was going to be about the business, not the friendship. It's time for a change, E.

Eric Murphy:
Are you firing me?

Vincent Chase:
The business isn't working, is it?

Eric Murphy:
Well whatever, I'm not gonna grovel; go find someone better, cause I can live with myself knowing I busted my ass and I gave everything I had to you.

Vincent Chase:
No, I know you did, E. But it wasn't enough.

Eric Murphy:
Yeah, f*** you.

Mrs. Ari:
[in bed] What time is it?

Ari Gold:
I don't know, my cock doesn't wear a watch.

Ari Gold:
I want you to keep an eye on Andrew Klein.

Lloyd Lee:
Keep my eyes on him how?

Ari Gold:
Pretend he's Zac Efron's ballsack.

Ari Gold:
I'd kill my wife before I got a divorce!

Sloan:
I never figured you for the revenge type, Eric.

Eric Murphy:
And I never figured you for the slut.

[Sloan walks away]

Johnny Galecki:
Oh, you're fired. Go f*** yourself.

Turtle:
[to Drama] Now you got two bad sides.

Lloyd:
[on the phone] Did you get the Billy Walsh script?

Eric Murphy:
Lloyd, I can't hear you.

Lloyd:
DID. YOU. GET. THE. BILLY. WALSH. SCRIPT?

Ari Gold:
SHUT THE F*** UP, LLOYD!

Ari Gold:
Dana, I have never cheated on my wife, not since she became my wife, but if you wanna jerk me in the car right now, I'm game.

Dana Gordon:
Rain check, Ari.

Ari Gold:
What the hell are you mad at me for, Allen? I did everything I can to get Vince on A2. He's a kid, he made a mistake. You know he'd kill as Joey Ramone.

Allen Grey:
Well, maybe he would, maybe he wouldn't. But I do know that Jake Gyllenhaal definitely will. I saw some of his camera tests for A2 - brilliant. You know what my only regret is, Ari? That I didn't put Jake in A1, because I could only imagine it would've been even bigger.

Dana Gordon:
Allen, that's not really fair, okay? Vince was great.

Allen Grey:
Well thank you, Dana, but you're only here to take notes not offer opinions. Since there really aren't any notes to be taking, you don't need to be here at all, do you? Hm? Come to think of it, neither do I. That's two minutes, Ari. Goodbye.

Ari Gold:
Hard to believe that you've been divorced three times, Allen.

Ari Gold:
How is it to take it in the ass anyway, Lloyd?

Lloyd:
I don't know Ari, I'm a top.

Ari Gold:
Come on, really?

[Ari is dodging Vince's calls]

Lloyd:
I am so sorry, Vince, he is not here.

Vincent Chase:
Oh, well then when he gets in tell him I'd like to have lunch.

Lloyd:
[to Ari] He wants to have lunch.

[Ari mouths to Lloyd to make an excuse]

Lloyd:
Vince, I've got his schedule, there's no way he can make lunch. He has a ginormously important lunch already planned.

[Ari angrily gestures]

Vincent Chase:
Okay, then tell him to call me back.

Lloyd:
Okay, I will. [hangs up]

Ari Gold:
Why the f*** did you just tell him I have a more important lunch? Do you think that's going to put a smile on his face?

Lloyd:
What did you want me to say?

Ari Gold:
That I have a huge wart on my cock that needs removal would've been better. Wake the f*** up, Lloyd!

Ari Gold:
Why would I buy a black cock?

Johnny Drama:
Men spoon, women snuggle.

Vincent Chase:
Besides the fact the L.A. Times compared me to Terrell Owens, I'm doing great.

Eric Murphy:
You hear that, Ari?

Ari Gold:
The Eagles got rid of T.O. and look where they landed. Aquaman 2 is going to make Speed 2 look like Citizen F***ing Kane.

Ari Gold:
Aquaman 2 is gonna make Speed 2 look like Citizen f***ing Kane.

Ari Gold:
I get hard thinking about the fact that you actually like me E.

Ari Gold:
Ah... the girls from Wisteria Lane. Which one of you is hiding a large black man in your basement?

Johnny "Drama" Chase:
You're like a chick. I mean the guy cannot have unemotional sex.

Eric Murphy:
I didn't have sex.

Johnny "Drama" Chase:
Whatever. You can't whack off without weeping.

Johnny "Drama" Chase:
Freud says there are no accidents.

Eric Murphy:
You guys crossed swords during your threesome. Accident?

Turtle:
It could be fun, Vince. Like that time you got auctioned off at the Feed the World event.

Vincent Chase:
Jesus, remember that Cuban guy who bought me and wanted me to come live with him in Havana?

Johnny "Drama" Chase:
The guy never sent me those Cuban cigars he promised. I should call.

Turtle:
Yeah, ask him if he knows any good lefties for the Yanks' bullpen while you're at it.

Eric Murphy:
Sorry about "Four Kings" getting cancelled.

Seth Green:
It's all right. Nobody would believe four guys in their thirties would be living together.

Eric:
[to Drama] The only person you ever loved is yourself.

Johnny Drama:
What's not to love.

Eric:
So, you wanna talk about Kimmel?

Johnny Drama:
Jimmy Kimmel?

Eric:
Yeah, Vince is doin the show tonight.

Johnny Drama:
F*** Jimmy Kimmel!

Jimmy Kimmel:
So lets talk about the movie. Umm, it comes out this weekend right?

Vincent Chase:
Yaa, I don't want to talk about the movie. It's a mystery I wouldn't want to give anything away. Besides I'm not here to plug anything, I'm here to see you Jimmy.

Sara Foster:
What about me?

Vincent Chase:
Oh, and you of course.

Sara Foster:
He's so full of it. It's unbelieveable.

Jimmy Kimmel:
So we have a clip of the film and you need to set the clip up.

Vincent Chase:
Ah, forget about the clip.

Jimmy Kimmel:
Alright, well we'll forget about the clip.

Vincent Chase:
The movie's called 'Head On', its a cool movie. See it this weekend. You're guaranteed to love it or your money back. [waits a few seconds] From the studio, not from me.

Emily:
You smoke?

Eric:
Cigerettes? Um... yeah. I mean I've been trying to quit... uhm recently.

Emily:
How hard are you trying?

Eric:
Uhm... not that much. [laughs]

Emily:
Good. [nods head towards door] [they both go out]

Turtle:
I thought he quit.

Johnny Drama:
Cigerettes, not p*ssy.

Turtle:
You should get me on a talk show. I'd kill.

Shauna:
Maybe I'll get you on Springer. Fat, little horny f***s and the women that despise him.

Johnny Drama:
*snickers*

Shauna:
What are you laughing at? Maybe I'll get you on Montel with Don Swayze, Joey Travolta and the other retarded star siblings.

Shauna:
I'm a publicist, Eric, not David Blaine.

Ari Gold:
No you won't... because you're f***ed. Do you even know how f***ed you are? I mean you are so f***ing f***ed. I mean I think you are the most f***ed person I know.

Eric Murphy:
Sloan, I'm a college dropout. All right, guys in the mailroom out here have Wharton MBAs.

Lloyd:
How'd it go?

Ari Gold:
How'd the f***ing Bay of Pigs go, Lloyd?

Pauly Shore:
Karma is a b*tch!

Eric Murphy:
Listen, Vince. It hurts. I know, I've been there, alright? You will get over Mandy. This'll pass.

Vincent Chase:
Good.

Eric Murphy:
So that's it? Game over?

Vincent Chase:
Yeah.

Eric Murphy:
I thought we make these decisions together.

Vincent Chase:
No, not this one. Please don't try to make me feel guilty about it.

Eric Murphy:
I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, alright? I'm just seriously concerned about our future.

Vincent Chase:
You don't understand. I feel like I got shot.

Eric Murphy:
No, Vince, you don't understand. We may never get an opportunity like this again.

Vincent Chase:
Whose future are you really concerned about, E? Ours or yours?

Eric Murphy:
Are you f***ing serious?

Vincent Chase:
Yeah, I am cause I'm not doing this movie, and if you can't understand why, you better think about whether you want to be part of my future.

Vincent Chase:
Did you take a job without talking to me?

Eric Murphy:
Who told you that?

Vincent Chase:
You know, of all people to not get what I'm going through, the heartbreak kid himself. I mean, how many times have I heard you cry like a little p*ssy over a girl?

Eric Murphy:
Not over a girl I barely know.

Vincent Chase:
Oh, so it's not real?

Eric Murphy:
No, personally Vince, I think it's your ego. Your big f***ing movie star ego. You could've had Mandy thrown off this movie, but you had to prove that you could get her back. You can't stand the fact that she left you cause no one ever has, but you know what? I will leave you before you f*** me up.

Vincent Chase:
Yeah, leave and do what? Live off your girlfriend instead of me? You ever think that Terrance offered you the job to get to me?

Eric Murphy:
Yeah, I did think that, and that's why I told him if I took the job, it meant I'd never work with you again and he still offered it.

Vincent Chase:
Don't be here when I get back.

Eric Murphy:
Oh, like I f***ing would be.

[Ari's wife and kids are leading Ari outside to surprise him with a Ferari]

Mrs. Ari:
Okay, stop now. Open your eyes.

Ari Gold:
F*** me!

Jonah Gold:
Daddy!

Ari Gold:
I'm sorry buddy I'm sorry, but holy sh...

Mrs. Ari:
Ari!

Ari Gold:
Like the great philosopher Sun Tzu said, "when you're done f***ing your enemies, f*** 'em some more"!

Vincent Chase:
Well, I'm very happy to be here with Candace on this very special occasion.

Candace Levine:
I know a way you can make it more special, Vincent.

Mrs. Levine:
Candace, don't be a whore.

Ari Gold:
I was involved in some illegal street racing.

Lloyd:
Ohh, sexy.

Ari Gold:
With Adam Davies.

Lloyd:
Eww, gross.

Ari Gold:
Yeah, and I lost so I have to give him a hundred bucks.

Lloyd:
Oh, f*** Adam Davies. I'd like to see him come here and try and collect.

Ari Gold:
Well, my confidence grows tenfold knowing that you have my back, Lloyd, but I don't welch. So, here is a hundred dollars; please put it in a brown paper bag along with a nice big pile of sh*t, and send it over there.

Lloyd:
Excuse me...

Ari Gold:
Human sh*t, Lloyd. Right now.

Lloyd:
That is really disgusting, Arl.

Ari Gold:
No, really disgusting is going to be the American Psycho-style dismemberment I am going to perform on you if you don't do that right f***ing now.

[after Adam Davies posted nude photos of Mrs. Ari online]

Ari Gold:
A game's a game, but that is the mother of my children, so apologize or I will kick your ass in front of your entire deadbeat agency.

[smacks Davies in the face]

Ari Gold:
That is what we call a b*tch slap - a b*tch slap for a b*tch. What do you say we go outside and finish it off, huh?

Adam Davies:
You are going down for this, Ari.

Ari Gold:
I don't really care. Now, you apologize for what you did, or I'm going to knock you the f*** out. Right here, and right now.

[Davies hesitates]

Ari Gold:
I am going to count to three. One...

Adam Davies:
[quietly] I apologize.

Ari Gold:
I can't hear you.

Adam Davies:
I said... I'm sorry.

Ari Gold:
...Nice seeing everybody again! [walks out proudly]

Johnny Drama:
One day you're lighting up in front of a dozen adults at a Bat Mitzvah, the next your cruisin' down Santa Monica Boulevard offering handjobs for a crack rock.

James Cameron:
F***ing actors, they never know when they're miked. It was weird, on "True Lies," it was Tom Arnold that said he was gonna be governor.

Johnny Drama:
Do you know how much food is gonna be at this thing? You eating now would be like jerking off an hour before f***ing a supermodel.

Turtle:
If I was f***ing a supermodel, I would jerk off. That way I can go all night.

Eric Murphy:
He disappeared with Sloan.

Johnny Drama:
Probably at the tennis courts. I hear that's where you f*** at the Beverly Hilton.

Turtle:
It's like getting mad at the bull for giving you the horns, when you shouldn't have been in the ring in the first place.

Eric Murphy:
Amazing. Eventually you won't even need actors, right?

James Cameron:
In five years we won't.

[Eric's face drops]

James Cameron:
Kidding!

Mandy Moore:
Oh really? If we're talking about someone who's never been up front, we should be talking about you.

Vincent Chase:
Well, I'm going to be up front now. I'm not over you. And I haven't gotten over you. How's that for up front?

[seeing E all dressed up to woo Sloan]

Vincent Chase:
Looks like we're headed for another E romance novel. Get your tissues ready, guys.

Turtle:
Seriously E, if this one breaks your heart, just kill yourself so we don't have to hear about it.

Johnny Drama:
I'll have the Barry Manilow CD ready for you.

Eric Murphy:
F*** you guys.

Mrs. Ari:
Melinda, it's so great to see you.

Melinda Clarke:
You too! You look fabulous.

Mrs. Ari:
Thank you.

Melinda Clarke:
Being a housewife certainly agrees with you.

Mrs. Ari:
And playing a raging b*tch on TV certainly agrees with you. You're so natural.

Ari Gold:
Vince is my client. I took him from nothing, alright? And now he is on the cusp. I ain't sharing him.

Terrance McQuewick:
You know, when I started this company in 1971 my mantra was "every client should be represented by every agent in the building." And yes all right, technically, he is your client. But this is my agency.

Ari Gold:
And I'm a f***ing partner.

Terrance McQuewick:
Well, I've had more than a few partners. Not all of them have lasted.

Billy Walsh:
I have a mortgage, five children and I can't afford maple syrup, Drama.

Ari Gold:
[to Bobby Flay] Yo, grill master! Are you in my f***ing house? I got a new show for you - it's called Boy Meets Husband Who Kills Him!

Eric:
[after the boys get back from shooting Queens Boulevard] We know what we want to do next.

Ari Gold:
What, the f***ing Belt Parkway?

Johnny 'Drama' Chase:
Vince, you ever go three months without p*ssy?

Turtle:
Vince ain't ever gone three days.

Vincent Chase:
No, wait, that's not true. Sophomore year.

Turtle:
Really?

Eric:
Yeah, but you had mono.

Ari Gold:
You like gaysian Lloyd? He's cute, right? And he covers two quotas.

Turtle:
All right, you know what? F*** you and f*** you, all right? That's it, I'm done, I quit. [walks off]

Johnny 'Drama' Chase:
What's he quitting? He gets paid?

Eric:
[Eric and Ari are discussing film roles for Vince] Tom Cruise is going to play Pablo Escobar? C'mon, the guy's not even Hispanic.

Ari Gold:
Yeah, and Hilary Swank has a vagina, and she won an Oscar pretending she has a dick. That's what actors do. They pretend.

Eric:
All right, I get it, I get it, okay. So what if Cruise passes?

Ari Gold:
Then they go to Brad Pitt. He passes, they go to Keanu Reeves, and on down the list.

Eric:
Where is Vince on that list?

Ari Gold:
He ain't on the list.

Eric:
Well, how do we get him on the list?

Ari Gold:
You do 'Aquaman' you stupid f***!

Eric:
[about turning down Aquaman for Medeean] We wanna do it.

Ari Gold:
Yeah, and I wanna f*** Angelina Jolie. The only difference is, I might actually have a shot.

Yair Marx:
Ari, please tell these boys how much money I have.

Ari:
Too much, but what you don't have is distribution.

Yair Marx:
Ah, I do now. I'm announcing it tomorrow. I'm sinking 100 mil into a new outlet. I hired the head of Pixar marketing. You know, the girl who did Nemo. I love that fish. I'm very real. I want Medellin to be my first real acquisition.

Eric Murphy:
Wow, 3 years and a 14 hour flight we finally arrive!

[Yuri's man gives out boxes containing gold watches]

Vincent Chase:
What's this?

Yair Marx:
Party favors.

Ari Gold:
Where's mine?

Yair Marx:
You take ten percent of Vince's.

Ari Gold:
[about E] The guy's about as positive as Mother Teresa's AIDS test.

Eric Murphy:
I'm not searching out a girl just to f*** her.

Johnny 'Drama' Chase:
Why not?

Eric Murphy:
Cause it's mean!

Johnny 'Drama' Chase:
No no no, mean is when I made Jess Mansini ride her bike home after I assf***ed her.

Ari Gold:
Save your homo-erotic slave-labour for me, Lloyd. And E, don't take your shirt off, I don't want anyone to go blind from the reflection of your translusive boy-chest.

Ari Gold:
F*** You!

Lloyd:
F*** You! Sorry Ari, that was a reflex.

[after lying to Sloan]

Turtle:
Wow Drama, you swore on your career?

Johnny 'Drama' Chase:
I had my balls crossed.

Ari Gold:
You'll always be the gay son I never wanted, Lloyd.

Johnny 'Drama' Chase:
Hey, remember these words, E: from behind, you don't even look preggers.

Eric Murphy:
[to Ari] Wanna hug it out?

John Ellis:
You wanna know what heaven really is, Ari? Try being God.

Johnny "Drama" Chase:
What if I fly myself out, put myself up, you give me a little something; if I don't deliver, you cut it. Or cut it anyway. As long I'm on the call sheet and listed on IMDb, we're all good.

Brett Ratner:
You're telling me you're gonna spend 20 grand to go to Paris for a part that I might end up cutting?

Johnny "Drama" Chase:
Such is my passion for movies.

[last lines]

Yair Marx:
You need to apologize. Not to me, but to her.

Vincent Chase:
Yeah, no problem.

Yair Marx:
Good. She is upstairs waiting for you. In the bedroom.

Vincent Chase:
Are you... are you serious?

Yair Marx:
Vincent, I never joke about my wife's happiness. What she wants, I get for her. Now, if you want this check to clear, you will go upstairs and you will f*** my wife like the superstar you are while I stay down here and play billiards with your friends.

Johnny "Drama" Chase:
Tommy's gonna be in Rush Hour 3 and I'm not? Jesus Christ.

Lloyd:
Be happy for him, Drama. Karma.

Johnny "Drama" Chase:
F*** Karma. I don't need Karma.

Lloyd:
What do you need, Johnny?

Johnny "Drama" Chase:
I need to be in Rush Hour 3.

Lloyd:
You know I don't like to lie, Ari.

Ari Gold:
Lloyd, be a man. Or as much of a man as you can possibly be for God's f***ing sake.

Billy Walsh:
F***ing fillies, Suit. Never count on a broad.

Lloyd:
This lying is making me breakout. God I have a date tonight.

Ari Gold:
Well I'm sure your date will pop that with his pecker. Don't worry.

Johnny "Drama" Chase:
You know Eddie burns offered me "Brothers McMullen." True story. But I took a TV show instead.

Turtle:
Was that when you did your full-frontal "Red Shoe Diary?"

Johnny "Drama" Chase:
No that's when I did my three episode arc on 90210, sexually harassing Tori Spelling.

Turtle:
Nice choice.

Ari Gold:
I always knew that you like dick, Babs. I just didn't know you were a cocksucker.

Ari Gold:
You know what's interesting about that... is that you use the word "master plan" and "rat" when talking about me, you Hitler-loving, anti-semitic, cuntbag.

Ari Gold:
This is not a drill. This is not an emergency!

Lloyd:
Well, who's going to man the phones?

Ari Gold:
F*** the phones, Lloyd! Unless Carmen Electra calls for an emergency titty f***, don't answer!

Ari Gold:
Hey Babs. The Traitorous Skanks Anonymous meeting's next door.

Barbara Miller:
Ari, you have no money, and I have too much.

Ari Gold:
So what do you want?

Barbara Miller:
To f***... kidding. I want 60% and my name on top.

Ari Gold:
I'd rather f***.

Johnny "Drama" Chase:
I'm officially a loser.

Turtle:
I don't know about officially...

Billy Walsh:
[seeing the Queens Boulevard poster] Ahhhh these motherf***ers, pieces of sh*t, I'm gonna f***in' hit somebody, there's no f***in' doubt in my mind.

Johnny "Drama" Chase:
Little lightly, Billy, life is short.

Billy Walsh:
Go f*** your mother, Drama!

Vincent Chase:
[speaking at QB press conference] People in this town don't give a sh*t about art. They only care about one thing: MONEY.

Billy Walsh:
[from the crowd, yelling] F*** COMMERCE!

Ari Gold:
[after agreeing to partnership with Babs] Ladies and gentlemen, I present... MILLER-GOLD! [applause]

Ari Gold:
[to himself] We sound like a f***in' beer.

Johnny "Drama" Chase:
You don't know what it's like. And I'm a realist. I knew the show had very little chance. None of 'em do. But I thought I did good on this one. And I tried so hard. And I thought they'd see that, but they didn't.

Vincent Chase:
Joe, think about it. Pablo Escobar was an outlaw who terrorized a whole country while remaining the biggest philanthropist his people had ever known. Now ask yourself this: in 2007, in this country, what can possibly evoke more of a stir than exploring the humanity of that kind of evil.

Joe Roberts:
I'm just doing good business.

Ari Gold:
That's weird cause it feels like you're taking a steel catheter and shoving it right up my cock!

Ari Gold:
The script has been changed more times than Andy Dick's vibrator.

Amanda Daniels:
So what, I'm supposed to just show up into temple on the most religious day of the year to discuss business?

Eric Murphy:
You're not just showing up, they're expecting you. They're gonna meet you in the alley behind the southern entrance next to the dumpsters.

Amanda Daniels:
Should I bring a gun, too?

Ari Gold:
That is the beauty of Yom Kippur. As long as you apologize by sundown, it doesn't matter what you do!

Jessica Alba:
[welcoming the guys to a party] Bar's over there. Girls everywhere...

Ari Gold:
[about Eric] Guy doesn't wanna make money. He's a communist. [to Eric] You a communist? Or you a socialist? Or didn't they teach you the difference at Pepperoni U?

Johnny 'Drama' Chase:
What a view.

Vincent Chase:
We're at a party with some of the hottest girls in the world, and we're staring at a bunch of f***in lights.

Marvin:
You guys are out of control. Twenty five hundred dollars a month his brother spends on vitamin supplements. Nobody can take that many supplements and still f***in live!

Johnny 'Drama' Chase:
Do you remember, The Orange County Register said I was a functioning retard. Now that was a bad review.

Turtle:
I thought that was a compliment.

Jessica Alba:
My agent isn't here.

Ari Gold:
I know she's not here because I slashed her tires. She's on her hands and knees right now on Mulholland. She's not going to make it because you want a statue, you deserve a statue - you do, you deserve it. Because your natural energy; the way you are hasn't been seen yet. Someone needs to step up and utilize you for the way you are, your self-empowered, interesting woman, and you need to take it. And not an MTV Award, but like a real one.

[talking about their "first times"]

Turtle:
Look who's talking, Mr begged-for-p*ssy-on-prom-night.

Eric:
I begged my girlfriend, Turtle. Not a 40 dollar hooker who declined your mother's credit card.

Vincent Chase:
E, I decided - we're going with the Benz.

Eric:
You sure? I mean you changed your mind ten time already.

Vincent Chase:
No I'm set. I had a dream about it last night.

Johnny 'Drama' Chase:
I dreamt about it last night too, Vince. We're cruising down Rodeo, suddenly two jerkoffs pull up and say "hey Chase brothers, f*** your mother!" and then open fire.

Eric:
That had to be a dream - somebody recognized you?

Eric:
[talking to Vincent, after a director does a rewrite on the "Queens Boulevard" script] He's got a guy blowing you on page 26!

Ari Gold:
[after his Viagra has kicked in, to his angry wife] I'm ready to go here, alright? It's like R. Kelly at recess.

Billy Walsh:
Vincent... The guy blowing you... I'm gonna play that part, that way you're in really good hands. Now don't worry, I've got a pretty solid acting background.

[Billy gazes into Vince's eyes awkwardly. After a few seconds, Vincent smirks]

Vincent Chase:
You're f***ing with me, aren't you?

Billy Walsh:
I f***ing had you, motherf***er!

Vincent Chase:
Motherf***er!

The Sherpa:
The Earth is moving. Did you feel that? Everything. All the time. Dimensions we can't even see. Everything is evolving. Turtle, you're a dove.

Turtle:
That's cool. Can I hit that, Sherp? Thanks.

Eric:
You afraid of getting busted?

The Sherpa:
Busted? I'm entrusted, man. I don't steal. I heal. We're not getting stoned. We're getting honed. My probation officer's one of my best customers. I'm a prisoner. I'm a prisoner of, uh, war. War on drugs. It's all so negative, man. I mean, the Man's most positive positive-tive is a nega-tive. It's a mega-nega-tive. Right? [shouts] Viking Quest! Let them be low. We are getting *high*. We're not getting f***ed down. We're getting f*** up.

The Sherpa:
[takes a very long drag from a hooka] The earth is moving, did you feel that? Everything all the time. The dimensions we can't even see. Everything is evolving-Turtle, you're a dove.

Turtle:
That's cool can I hit that, Sherp? Thanks.

Eric:
Aren't you afraid of getting busted?

The Sherpa:
Busted? I'm entrusted. I don't steal, I heal. We're not getting stoned, we're getting honed. My probation officer's one of my best customers. I'm a prisoner, I'm a prisoner of war, war on drugs. It's all so negative, man. I mean the man's most positive, positive, -tive is a negative; It's a mega-negative. Right? Viking Quest! Let them be low. We are getting high. We're not getting f***ed down, we're getting f***ed up.

Vincent Chase:
I think I'll take the ribeye to go.

Scott Wick:
Do I look like good will to you? What are you high?

Vincent Chase:
Actually Scott, I am.

The Sherpa:
Johnny Drama?

Johnny 'Drama' Chase:
Yeah, I'm Johnny Drama.

The Sherpa:
I'm a fan man. Whens the next season of Viking Quest dude?

Johnny 'Drama' Chase:
We got canceled 7 years ago.

The Sherpa:
Oh, bummer.

[Andrew is in his pajamas passed out on Ari's office couch]

Ari Gold:
WAKE UP!

Andrew Klein:
Agh! What time is it?

Ari Gold:
It's time for you to wake up and tell me why you think this is a Holiday Inn.

Johnny 'Drama' Chase:
[laying in bed] Turtle.

Turtle:
Yeah, Drama.

Johnny 'Drama' Chase:
Tell me a story.

Aaron Cohen:
There's at least six hundred grand in your driveway. You tell me what's worth more: your cars or your head.

Johnny "Drama" Chase:
In Palm Springs, I had a king-size bed all to myself.

Eric Murphy:
Yeah, he tried to bang a bunch of senior citizens, but he was a non-closer.

Johnny "Drama" Chase:
On the way here, I was dreaming of hooking up with a nice Mormon girl.

Turtle:
So why don't you go after a Mormon, Drama? I mean they're all over the place here. Besides, everyone knows they know how to treat their man right. They're like Catholic girls times one hundred.

Eric Murphy:
You think the night before a Mormon wedding a guy says, "How am I gonna sleep with the same eight women for the rest of my life?"

Ari Gold:
The land down under. We're gonna get drunk with Russell Crowe and head-butt some god damn kangaroos.

Turtle:
We accidentally crossed swords.

Eric Murphy:
Ew.

Vincent Chase:
Really? Where there any women there at least?

Turtle:
Yeah, dick, it was a threesome, okay? It's no biggie... crossing is an occupational hazard.

Counter Girl:
Was the sinking of the ship an attempt to foreshadow the forthcoming sinking of the tech market of 2000?

James Cameron:
Uh, no. Actually, I just wanted to make young girls cry.

Ticket Taker:
Ticket?

Turtle:
Sidekick?

Johnny Drama:
On the way here, I was dreaming of hooking up with a nice Mormon girl.

Turtle:
So why don't you go after a Mormon, Drama? I mean, they're all over the place here. Besides, everyone knows they know how to treat their man right. They're like Catholic girls times one hundred.

Eric:
You think the night before a Mormon wedding a guy says "How am I gonna sleep with the same eight women for the rest of my life?"

Turtle:
What about when you divorce all your wives? They get an eighth of all your property.

Eric:
No, Turtle, it's a ninth. Otherwise, Vince wouldn't get sh*t.

Vince:
Good lookin' out, E!

Vincent Chase:
I hear the slopes out here are insane.

Johnny "Drama" Chase:
Give me a break! Anywhere where you can ski in short sleeves is for pussies. I mean, they got no ice out here.

Eric Murphy:
Who wants to ski on ice?

Johnny "Drama" Chase:
Men, E, men who like speed.

Turtle:
I'm with Drama, there's nothing like the possibility of a good head on collision.

Johnny "Drama" Chase:
I mean, if you can ski Hunter Mountain, you can ski anywhere!

Ari Gold:
We all loved you in The Station Agent, Peter.

Peter Dinklage:
F***in' hope so. That's why I signed on with you people.

Ari Gold:
Well if you woulda signed on earlier, we coulda slipped you into Bad Santa.

Peter Dinklage:
Actually, I passed on that. Though, thank you.

Ari Gold:
You're on of the biggest actors in this town Peter.

Peter Dinklage:
What is that, a play on words or something d*ckhead? I tolerate agents, I don't like them.

Harvey Weingard:
PETER! Don't listen to a word this bum says.

Peter Dinklage:
F*** off, Harvey.

Ari Gold:
Whoa. He's an angry little f***er, isn't he?

Ari Gold:
I parted the Red Sea for you, E, now don't piss on the sand.

Ronnie:
Hey, congrats on the show!

Johnny 'Drama' Chase:
Thanks! You been watching?

Ronnie:
I have, it's terrible.

Mrs. Ari:
[about reprising her role on Young and the Restless] Tell me that I will be pretty, as pretty as the day I left the show.

Ari Gold:
Well, you left the show when you were 25 and now they shoot everything in hi-def.

Ari Gold:
It's a soap opera. There is no good, there are just degrees of bad.

Ari Gold:
Is that smirk for me or are your Ben Wa balls shifty?

Lori:
That steak was amazing.

Morgan:
Yeah, what do you season it with?

Johnny 'Drama' Chase:
Oh ho ho ho, I'll never tell.

Morgan:
[seductively] Oh come on, you'll tell me.

Johnny 'Drama' Chase:
No, seriously, I won't.

Morgan:
[getting ready to go in pool] You gonna tell me what was on that steak?

Johnny 'Drama' Chase:
We'll see.

[Morgan takes her top off]

Johnny 'Drama' Chase:
I'll print out the recipe.

Johnny "Drama" Chase:
No woman should ever joke about that.

Turtle:
No, they should not. But either way, I am so whacking off to your girlfriend tonight.

Turtle:
[after E announces that Sloan wants to have a threesome with him and Tori] I am so whacking off to your girlfriend tonight.

Johnny Drama:
[about E being offered a threesome] When opportunity knocks you let her the f*** in and for God's sake you let her go down on your girlfriend!

Johnny "Drama" Chase:
Sloan and Tori want E to be the meat in their girl-girl sandwich.

Ari Gold:
You all have one goal today: to get Vincent Chase's brother, Johnny Chase, a job. Any job. I don't care if it's a porn shoot in which he is being gang-raped by a gaggle of silverback apes - if there are cameras rolling, everyone wins.

Turtle:
I know you're not a big porn guy, but the innovations since the DVD are pretty amazing. Remember back in the day, you'd be tugging it and they'd cut to a close-up of the guy's face and you'd want to kill yourself. Never again... multi-angles.

Ari Gold:
It's too late for sorries. Vince is out, Jake Gyllenhaal is in. Brokeback motherf***ing Aquaman. Take that, b*tch!

Ari Gold:
Tell Drama he's on my to-do list right after inserting needles in my cock.

Ari Gold:
[on the phone to Lloyd] Hey Lloyd, can you come to where I am right now? How long has it been since I last saw you?

Ari Gold:
[on the phone to Lloyd] My hands are huge!

Ari Gold:
[on the phone] I was trying to sleep actually.

Mrs. Ari:
I'm surprised you can with 25 naked men running around our pool.

Ari Gold:
[to Vince] Sh*t. I don't know who's more dead - me or f***ing Lloyd.

Johnny 'Drama' Chase:
[tripping on shrooms] Ow!

Vincent Chase:
Johnny! What's up?

Johnny 'Drama' Chase:
I thought I pulled my cock off.

Turtle:
Oh, Jesus!

Johnny 'Drama' Chase:
It's okay, I didn't!

Ari Gold:
One bad movie can be overcome. Look at Colin Ferrell - he's overcome dozens of them cause the perception of him is he's a movie star.

Vincent Chase:
What's the perception of me?

Ari Gold:
That you don't give a f***.

Johnny 'Drama' Chase:
[leaving a voicemail message for his girlfriend] Baby, it's me again. I'd like to think you're sleeping, but nobody can sleep through this. WHERE THE F*** ARE YOU? PICK UP THE F***IN' PHONE!

Vincent Chase:
So, what you're saying is that we should go.

Eric Murphy:
Have I ever said "no" to Vegas?

Turtle:
Be like saying "no" to a blowj*b.

Eric Murphy:
Tradition... when we were kids, we'd hit A.C., we put 5 bucks on red. We win, we knew it'd be a good weekend.

Ari Gold:
What if you lose?

Turtle:
Vince never loses.

Vincent Chase:
Five on red.

Turtle:
Come on!

Roulette Dealer:
Red 16.

Vincent Chase:
It's gonna be a good weekend.

Eric Murphy:
Hey, jerkoff. You signed him up to judge a stripper contest.

Turtle:
Really? Titties?

Eric Murphy:
It's a stripper contest.

Turtle:
Nice.

Turtle:
Should have partnered with me, Ari. I'm up twelve hundred. I get up to two grand, I'm keeping it stashed to buy me a high class ho.

Vincent Chase:
But Turtle, I already gave you ten.

Turtle:
I only pay for p*ssy with profits.

Vincent Chase:
Look, E. I don't want to rile you up, but I've done the list thing.

Turtle:
What, did you hand over a hard drive, Vin?

Turtle:
First the commission, now this? This is like Christmas.

Turtle:
Wait 'til you see dinner. I got ten of the best strippers in town joining us tonight.

Johnny "Drama" Chase:
Strippers, why?

Turtle:
Now shouldn't it be "Strippers, how?" and "Thank you?"

Vincent Chase:
Thank you.

Seth Green:
I must have been dreaming about how I blaster her in the face like a Jackson Pollock.

Ari Gold:
[about E's jealousy] Face it, E, you're like Eric Roberts in Star 80.

Johnny "Drama" Chase:
[receiving a massage] You got the gift. No doubt.

Ken:
Thanks.

Johnny "Drama" Chase:
In fact, I'd like to lock you down for the rest of the day.

Ken:
Really?

Johnny "Drama" Chase:
Oh, yeah. I'll double your rate. I don't want these hands touching anyone but me.

Turtle:
Yeah, you're really entering your latter years gracefully.

[Johnny Drama walks in wearing a robe]

Eric Murphy:
Speaking of latter years...

Ari Gold:
[gambling] What d'ya got, what d'ya got? C'mon c'mon, show me a little love, little love, little love, what d'ya say... F***!... F***, f***, f***, f***!

Billy Walsh:
What attracted me to this project, bro? That's easy. It was the blood.

Billy Walsh:
Movie? Well, I hate the word "Movie". I don't make "movies", I make "films".

Johnny 'Drama' Chase:
[in Spanish] Let's kill this motherf***er!

Ari Gold:
He's protected. We get 'em wet with Vince first I guarantee you they will f*** us. We blow our load with Bob and we might not even get our balls tickled.

Eric:
Ari, you know what, I don't know what the f*** you're talking about, but you're making me uncomfortable.

Ari Gold:
What if I were to tell you that I had a 22 inch cock, is that something you might be interested in?

Lloyd:
[setting up a conference call] E, I have Ari and Bob for you. Ari, here's E and Bob. Bob, you have E and Ari.

Ari Gold:
Shut the f*** up, Lloyd!