Eureka

Marshall Jack Carter:
[Repeated Line] Yeah, that can't be good.

Henry Deacon:
[to arguing Carter and Col. Briggs] I hate to interrupt, but we have bigger issues at hand. Time is unraveling. The laws of physics are breaking down. Correct me if I'm wrong but that's the kind of thing that's not gonna stop at the city limits, is it?

Marshall Jack Carter:
Let's not shoot the crazy end-of-the-world machine just yet.

Jim Taggart:
[about the GD computer] It fell victim to one of the classic blunders; never go up against an Australian when DEATH is on the line!

Marshall Jack Carter:
[about heat signatures in the morgue] I swear if this turns into a zombie attack, I am quitting!

Nathan Stark:
Good job, Carter... Wow, that didn't even leave a bad taste in my mouth.

Marshall Jack Carter:
Wait for it.

Nathan Stark:
...Oh, there it is!

Marshall Jack Carter:
[to Ally, about to change timeline] There is no time, no WAY that we don't end up together. You just gotta have a little faith.

Sheriff Jack Carter:
Ahh, another day, another runaway robot.

Douglas Fargo:
Um, sanctioned, like, dead?

Jo Lupo:
No. Sanctioned like we each get a puppy.

Taggart:
He fell victim to one of the classic blunders! Never go in against an Australian when death is on the line!

Jo:
Boys! There's plenty of back-door access for everyone... that didn't come out right.

Zane Donovan:
Guys, we're picking up heat signatures down the hall from you

Nathan Stark:
Where exactly?

Douglas Fargo:
In the... In the morgue.

Marshall Jack Carter:
I swear to God, if this thing turns into a zombie attack, I am quitting.

Marshall Jack Carter:
[about to climb down an elevator shaft] You should probably let me go first.

Nathan Stark:
Why?

Marshall Jack Carter:
Heights make me nauseous.

Nathan Stark:
After you.

Taggart:
We need a bigger womb!

Vincent:
[during movie night at Spencer's] Patience, heathens.

[examining strange, circular patterns in a wheat field]

Marshall Jack Carter:
What do you make of this?

Deputy Jo Lupo:
Well, it's a crop... It's cut into cicles...

Jo:
We just became the richest town in the world!

Henry Deacon:
Well, that's one way to look at it. Gold is a soft metal, so it doesn't bear the same weight as steel, so our infrastructure could be collapsing. We'd be rich, but dangerously unstable.

Jo:
Like Paris Hilton?

Sheriff Jack Carter:
Don't mind us.

Nathan Stark:
That was my plan.

Dr. Hood:
I can hear the roaring. I just haven't seen the tiger.

Henry Deacon:
He's been juicing.

Marshall Jack Carter:
On what? Rocket fuel?

Marshall Jack Carter:
Two bits of advice: always check the safety; and never rush the mound when the pitcher's got the ball.

Dr. Maria Leonardo:
So how you been Sheriff?

Sheriff Jack Carter:
I can't complain, can't complain. Nice, nice blooms you got.

Dr. Maria Leonardo:
Thank you.

Douglas Fargo:
[looks at his PDA] Uh, oh. We have a tiny problem.

Holly Marten:
Uh, oh.

Douglas Fargo:
No, no. Tiny, the robot. She exploded. I have to go look into it.

Isaac Parrish:
I taste like chicken.

Zoe Carter:
You know, it sometimes sucks when your dad's the town smokie.

Marshall Jack Carter:
Yeah, well, it sometimes sucks when your daugther's the town delinquent.

[Zoe glares]

Marshall Jack Carter:
Okay, I take it back.

Zoe Carter:
Thank you.

Marshall Jack Carter:
It always sucks.

[Carter asks about the town's death ray and only gets more confused]

Marshall Jack Carter:
How much time do we have?

Computer Voice:
Weapons will deploy in twenty-three hours.

Marshall Jack Carter:
Finally, a straight answer.

Dr. Irvin Thatcher:
In order to ensure peace on Earth, I built the deadliest weapon in the universe.

Nathan Stark:
[after Carter has been annoying him, and then stole his Nobel] I miss Sheriff Cobb.

Marshall Jack Carter:
Oh, come ON! If scientists are so smart, how come they don't know anything about PENMANSHIP?

Marshall Jack Carter:
Why don't you just call it a death ray?

Henry Deacon:
Irvine Thatcher, Its gotta be Irvine Thatcher. He was this brilliant scientist behind M.A.D.

Marshall Jack Carter:
Uh, Mothers Against Drunk Driving?

Henry Deacon:
Mutually Assured Destruction

Marshall Jack Carter:
Oh! That M.A.D.!

Dr. Irvin Thatcher:
The Question remains, Fusion or Fission.

Dr. Irvin Thatcher:
Fishing? Certainly not, haven't been fishing since I lived on Lake Erie.

Dr. Irvin Thatcher:
You think that's eerie?

Dr. Irvin Thatcher:
How do you explain Quasar Energy Paradox?

Dr. Irvin Thatcher:
Or baldness among musicians?

Henry Deacon:
[to Dr. Irvin Thatcher] This machine of yours, its really something.

Henry Deacon:
It's like a riddle inside an enigma, wrapped in ten inches of titanium alloy.

Marshall Jack Carter:
[staging a fake Nobel Prize ceremony] Tonight we're gonna party like it's 1962 !

Marshall Jack Carter:
It's a ray, that causes instant death, how is that not a death ray?

Dr. Irvin Thatcher:
[Talking gibberish] Reverse the hex. If you want sex, reverse the hex.

Marshall Jack Carter:
Area 51 is real?

Henry Deacon:
[nods] No!

Marshall Jack Carter:
Can I ask you why you built a flock of robo-birds?

Deputy Jo Lupo:
The high school Science Fair. It's like Armageddon with acne.

Marshall Jack Carter:
[about Jo, after getting zapped by a security field at G.D.] She...is...*so* mean.

Jack Carter:
So, all the facts of the world at your fingertips again?

Allison Blake:
Hen oida hoti ouden oida. [Greek: I know that I know nothing]

Jack Carter:
Either that's very profound, or you're badly brain damaged.

Nathan Stark:
Of all people to bring out of cryostasis I resurrect another Fargo.

Sheriff Jack Carter:
Yeah, kharma's a b*tch. Hey, um, is anyone curious as to HOW he got in there?

Nathan Stark:
He's a FARGO, are you really surprised?

Douglas Fargo:
I am standing right here.

Zane Donovan:
Don't you look at me in that tone of voice. This isn't my fault.

Deputy Jo Lupo:
Good afternoon. My name is Joe Lupo and I'll be savin' your ass today.

Sheriff Jack Carter:
Someone ought to promote you.

Marshall Jack Carter:
Nathan Stark? Your ex-husband. The evil, maniacal bane of my existance.

Allison Blake:
Sounds like someone I'd marry.

Marshall Jack Carter:
Ok. Bottom line: If Reverend Harper is responsible, we're in for a lot more.

Henry Deacon:
Yeah, like a plague of locust, or a fiery hail ... or... or... or... total darkness.

Marshall Jack Carter:
[all the lights go out] You had to say it.

Marshall Jack Carter:
How is that not a force field?

Beverly Barlowe:
Looks like the men are trying to save us. We may be in here for a while.

Marshall Jack Carter:
You wanted *me* to be happy, because I was gonna leave. Huh? Just like Fargo left you and, uh, B.R.A.D. got left before that and whatever the hell it was before that.

Douglas Fargo:
It was a war game simulation program.

S.A.R.A.H.:
Shall we play a game?

Marshall Jack Carter:
No!

Douglas Fargo, Beverly Barlowe, Henry Deacon, Nathan Stark:
No!

Allison Blake:
No!

[last lines]

S.A.R.A.H.:
I was thinking, Sheriff, if you both would like take another sick day, we could spend some quality time together.

S.A.R.A.H.:
[closed caption's version of previous line] Pardon me for interrupting, but I thought you might be interested in watching a new episode of Dr. Phil, which starts in five minutes.

Marshall Jack Carter:
Oh, look at the time.

Zoe Carter:
Uh, I gotta get ready for school.

Marshall Jack Carter:
Gotta go to work.

S.A.R.A.H.:
Perhaps we could play a board game. Or watch a movie.

S.A.R.A.H.:
[closed caption's version of line] "Has Technology Splintered the American Family?" Hello? Hello-oo?

S.A.R.A.H.:
Hello? Hello-oo?

Douglas Fargo:
When, uh, I'm stressed, my subtext comes out as text.

Marshall Jack Carter:
Fargo, do you want me to duct tape shut your mouth?

Lexi Carter:
Okay, careful with grandma. She's in heat.

Sheriff Jack Carter:
I'm not crazy.

Douglas Fargo:
Says the guy with crazy eyes and a gun.

Lexi Carter:
Love weddings. They're final yet festive, like funerals with champagne.

Sheriff Jack Carter:
Yeah, that's what the world needs is more people asleep at the wheel.

Zoe Carter:
Do you have to suck the fun out of everything?

[Deputy Lupo admires her new car]

Deputy Jo Lupo:
Two hundred and sixty-five horsepower, track-two suspension and four-wheel drive. Totally high performance but completely under my control.

Sheriff Jack Carter:
Kind of like Zane.

Douglas Fargo:
Well, it was nice while it lasted but it's time to move on.

Deputy Jo Lupo:
So you just dumped her.

Douglas Fargo:
I don't believe in long good-byes, especially when something this sweet comes along.

Deputy Jo Lupo:
Men.

Allison Blake:
I don't think that it's possible to build a working plasma generator out of aluminum Christmas trees and duct tape.

Douglas Fargo:
Hey, hose-clamp! Not funny!

Tess Fontana:
Stakeouts are fun.

Sheriff Jack Carter:
They're... they're more fun with, um, pepperoni than with, uh, organic tofu, by the way.

Sheriff Jack Carter:
Well, I've met a lot of viruses but none of them that ever made me build jump towers in my sleep.

Deputy Jo Lupo:
Well, you seem okay to me.

Douglas Fargo:
What're you talking about? I am covered in evidence.

Larry Haberman:
He hugged me!

Douglas Fargo:
You wish!

Larry Haberman:
Listen, about that hug...

Douglas Fargo:
Ooo! What happened in the trunk, stays in the truck.

Vincent:
[as 'Virtual Vincent'] At this moment, you'll get a remarkable view of the famous Archimedes Trench; but you wouldn't want to take a plunge into that abyss, that thing... is *crazy deep*!

[after learning that Section 5 has been reopened]

Sheriff Jack Carter:
Section 5? I hate that section.

Mary-Beth Curtis:
Whoa. Finally, a man with a gun. Don't be afraid to use it.

Mary-Beth Curtis:
His mother was a drama queen, too.

Tess Fontana:
You satisfied?

Sheriff Jack Carter:
In what way?

Tess Fontana:
You're smarter than you dress.

Sheriff Jack Carter:
Yeah. What?

Sheriff Jack Carter:
Murray, you gotta turn on the ghost whisperer so that we can communicate.

Dr. Drechmeyer:
I can feel you, Mother.

Mary-Beth Curtis:
When your husband goes off the deep end...

Henry Deacon:
...Yeah, you try not to fall in with him.

[Carl prepares to step into the Artifact chamber]

Nathan Stark:
Carl, I have to know... what is it?

Dr. Carl Carlson:
Someday, you will know. The question is, will you be ready? I am.

[Carl steps into the chamber and the door closes behind him]

Nathan Stark:
[ about Carter] Yes... he said invincibly.

Toby Bismarck:
Fargo, I have one word for you.

Douglas Fargo:
Is it "surrender?"

Douglas Fargo:
Oh, what the frack!

Duncan:
Nudity is perfectly natural. All right, I lived in places in Africa where it's the custom to go au naturel.

Douglas Fargo:
Bully for you. I prefer privacy.

[as the ravenous beastie finally reveals its full, formidable self... ]

Sheriff Jack Carter:
W-we're gonna need a bigger container.

Deputy Jo Lupo:
[running out of the bathroom] She's gonna' blow!

Marshall Jack Carter:
[after the explosion] What did you eat?

Allison Blake:
You know what - this town needs an enema.

Susan Perkins:
[staring out of moving car] Oh my god...

Deputy Jo Lupo:
[looking around] What? Did you see something? Because if you did there's this form you gotta sign.

[after finding out how many magazines and newspapers S.A.R.A.H. has access to]

Marshall Jack Carter:
My... GOD... I may never leave!

Marshall Jack Carter:
Now, if we could do something about the voice.

Douglas Fargo:
Sorry, it's temp audio. Just waiting to hear back from Sarah Michelle Gellar's people. Rar!

Marshall Jack Carter:
I don't even know how to respond to that.

Marshall Jack Carter:
Okay. Don't sleep on the nuclear powered device. Good safety tip.

Marshall Jack Carter:
I'm a human guinea pig.

Marshall Jack Carter:
It's not like we have a form to "undead" you.

Deputy Jo Lupo:
*Ahem*

Marshall Jack Carter:
Tell me you're kidding.

[first lines]

Henry Deacon:
A lot of us are still in shock about the tragic events that have brought us here. The loss of Walter and Susan Perkins forces us to question if the work we do is worth the risks. Eureka was born from the idealistic vision that by advancing science we could control it for the greater good. Clearly, that's not always the case. We can never forget Walter and Susan. Their legacy is in our hands now. Their friends. Their family. Their son. Walter and Susan: you will be greatly missed.

Susan Perkins:
Just do what you have to do. I just want to get back to my normal life.

Marshall Jack Carter:
I can relate.

Marshall Jack Carter:
Can we just hurry it up? I'm not a big fan of cemeteries.

Henry Deacon:
Oh. One too many Romero movies.

Marshall Jack Carter:
One too many funerals.

Jack Carter:
[staring after what appears to have been Santa Claus on a flying sleigh pulled by reindeers] Ho-Ho-ho crap!

Zane Donovan:
[singing] Car wash! Workin' at the car wash, yeah!

Dr. Isaac Parrish:
Dude, I just got that out of my head!

Deputy Jo Lupo:
I don't like this

Marshall Jack Carter:
What's the matter, Jo, scared of a little transdimensional radiation?

Deputy Jo Lupo:
Ya

[Carter has just been informed that tiny singularities are always forming around us, and disappearing before they affect regular matter]

Sheriff Jack Carter:
So first, my PDA has a camera. And now, black holes are everywhere? People need to know these things!

Marshal Jack Carter:
[to Deputy Jo Lupo] Whoa, whoa, *whoa*! Let's... not... shoot the crazy end-of-the-world machine just yet, OK?

Henry Deacon:
[while giving Jack's car back] Um, try to keep her on the ground.

[Jack smiles]

Henry Deacon:
[dead serious] No, no, really.

Marshall Jack Carter:
[drives off] Yeah.

Marshal Jack Carter:
Where are you taking me? Area 51?

Allison Blake:
Area 51 *wishes* they had our security.

Zoe Carter:
It was an honest to God, paranormal encounter!

Marshal Jack Carter:
*You* are an honest to God, paranormal encounter.

Marshal Jack Carter:
[about Taggart] Oh, yeah. He's stable.

[Taggart just accidentally tranqued Vincent instead of a dog]

Marshal Jack Carter:
[muttering] It's just a dog, for crying out loud.

Jim Taggart:
[stops, turns back to Jack] Now you listen to me, friend. I once tracked a polar bear across the Arctic tundra, dived with great whites off The Barrier Reef, hunted with the prides of the Serengeti, but none of it even begins to compare with what that animal's

Jim Taggart:
[with sudden sadness] put me through.

Jim Taggart:
[pauses, laughs a little] It's not "just a dog", Marshal.

Jim Taggart:
[nearly whispering] It's the devil himself.

[they exchange looks, and Taggart walks off]

Marshal Jack Carter:
[to himself] Oh, yeah. He's stable.

[watching Jo from a cell]

Zoe Carter:
Hey, G.I Josephina, what's with all the firepower? Hot date?

Henry Deacon:
[in response to phone call from Jo] Huh, what explosion?

Marshal Jack Carter:
Somebody order an invasion?

[last lines]

Sheriff Jack Carter:
[something crashes through the roof] Jo, call Henry.

Zoe Carter:
And what if you don't make it back? I'll be stuck in here like those guys in a plane who had to eat each other!

Marshal Jack Carter:
You're right.

Zoe Carter:
I know!

Marshal Jack Carter:
Here. Here's some ketchup. Start at your feet, work your way up.

[a GD security checkpoint flash-scans Jack's and Allison's retinal patterns]

Marshal Jack Carter:
Ah-I think I'm blind.

Allison Blake:
Relax. That almost never happens.

Zoe Carter:
"Deciduous"?

Oppenheimer:
It means they shed their leaves once a year.

Zoe Carter:
[Sarcastically] Thanks, Einstein, I knew that.

Oppenheimer:
I'm an Oppenheimer. The Einsteins live on 4th.

Sheriff Jack Carter:
You know, uh, Zoe it was wrong for me to leave you like that. I know it was rough. And that I wasn't always available, so...

Zoe Carter:
[Smiling] Are you apologizing?

Sheriff Jack Carter:
[Now Smiling Also] Well, um, no.

Zoe Carter:
Yes, you are!

Sheriff Jack Carter:
No!

Zoe Carter:
You are! You're totally apologizing to me!

Sheriff Jack Carter:
All right, yeah. Yeah, I am sorry. [pause] *Now* is there something you want to say to me?

Zoe Carter:
Nope, uh-uh.

Sheriff Jack Carter:
[Chuckling] Well, you're definitely *my* kid.

Nathan Stark:
[as dozens of Stark clones enter the room] I look pissed.

Nathan Stark:
[as dozens of stark copies enter the room] I look pissed.

Nathan Stark:
[as dozens of stark clones enter the room, after he sees Carter kiss Alison] I look pissed.

Nathan Stark:
[after witnessing Carter and Allison kiss, and as dozens of stark nanobot clones enter the room] I look pissed.

[Taggart, who doubles as Eureka's dog catcher and vet, has just tended to Lowjack the town's stray after he got hit by a car]

Jim Taggart:
[meanacingly] I've got you now, my furry friend. All the years you've tormented me, mocked me. Look who's laughing now.

[Lowjack leans up and licks Taggart on the face]

Jim Taggart:
All right, truce then. But just till you're up and about.

Marshall Jack Carter:
If I have to come back, I'm bringing a stun gun and a weed whacker.

Marshall Jack Carter:
[walks up to Taggart who's standing naked in the woods] Taggart. You're naked.

Jim Taggart:
Au naturel.

Marshall Jack Carter:
Might I ask why?

Jim Taggart:
Why not?

Marshall Jack Carter:
Unfortunately that doesn't tell me if you're infected or not.

Marshall Jack Carter:
Which, of course, is incredibly dangerous.

Allison Blake:
Have you ever known anything to change the world that wasn't?

Marshall Jack Carter:
Velcro?

Douglas Fargo:
I'm the grease on the cogs that turn the gears in this machine that is Eureka!

Henry Deacon:
Well, there's your problem. That's whats been messing up everything on the internet.

Allison Blake:
Is this our glitch?

Henry Deacon:
Glitch? No. That's a virus.

Marshall Jack Carter:
You guys should have switched to Macs.

Marshall Jack Carter:
Where is it?

Zoe Carter:
Where's what?

Marshall Jack Carter:
...Your hair.

Zoe Carter:
Where's my hair?

Zane Donovan:
But, still, what that thing did, it definitely left a bad taste in my brain.

Zane Donovan:
[Speaking of a plague brought with an ancient Egyptian mummy and her tomb] It's a swarm. That's what the cloud [hieroglyph] stands for.

Marshall Jack Carter:
Yeah, what kind of threat is it?

Dr. Wilding:
The bugs lay eggs, hatch larvae and then seek out new hosts.

Henry Deacon:
Us.

Eva Thorne:
Well, how did the ancient Egyptians deal with the problem?

Zane Donovan:
They killed the infected and burned their city to the ground.

Zane Donovan:
Anything else you want while I'm in there? Launch codes? Defense plans? TARDIS blueprints?

Allison Blake:
What about you? You were at the barbeque... you haven't said anything about who you're seeing...

Dr. Trevor Grant:
A tall, legged blonde in a slinky red dress.

Allison Blake:
Hmm, old girlfriend?

Dr. Holly Marten:
Oh! Oh! There was this one time at space camp...

Warren Hughes:
You can't do this! Beverly Barlowe knocked everyone out! She's trying to take over GD!

Sheriff Jack Carter:
I don't remember that one.

Sheriff Jack Carter:
That's it?

Warren Hughes:
Well, what were you expecting? The Spanish Inquisition?

Sheriff Jack Carter:
No one *expects* the Spanish Inquisition.

Nathan Stark:
Good job, Carter. Wow, that didn't even leave a bad taste in my mouth.

Sheriff Jack Carter:
Oh, give it a second.

Nathan Stark:
Yep, there it is.

Marshall Jack Carter:
Why can't you people just *say* 'ice funnel of death'?

Sheriff Jack Carter:
[Answering phone] Hey, Andy, let me guess. There's a quantum, run-away, something-or-other. [pauses] Somebody did what? [pauses] I'll be right there. [hangs up phone] Somebody robbed a BANK! [runs out of Cafe Diem] YEEEAAAHHH!

Vincent:
Should he really be happy about that?

Sheriff Jack Carter:
[Walking down the street] No blob, no wormhole, just a good, old-fashioned bank robbery!

Deputy Andy 2.0:
You seem down right perky, boss.

Sheriff Jack Carter:
Yeah! We're gonna take fingerprints! We're going to do tire impressions! We're going to interview... [sees an emtpy lot where the bank was]... witnesses. Uh, Andy?

Deputy Andy 2.0:
Yeah, boss?

Sheriff Jack Carter:
You said there was a bank robbery.

Deputy Andy 2.0:
Yep, someone took it last night.

Sheriff Jack Carter:
Of course they did.

Dr. Maria Leonardo:
So where are your uniforms?

Sheriff Jack Carter:
Er it's an unofficial visit.

Dr. Maria Leonardo:
So is true that you guys got fired?

Deputy Jo Lupo:
He got fired, I quit.

Dr. Maria Leonardo:
Bummer.

[Sheriff Andy has just been fried by a tensor field]

Sheriff Andy:
[moaning] Ouch! I don't think I like this job.

Zane Donovan:
Jo, I need a gun. A big, powerful gun.

Deputy Jo Lupo:
[turned on] I've been waiting for someone to say that to me my whole life.

Sheriff Jack Carter:
I love it when you talk nerdy to me.

Sheriff Jack Carter:
What button d'you push THIS time?

Douglas Fargo:
Can you not recognize a victim when you see one?

Sheriff Jack Carter:
Thank God, how's it going?

Tess Fontana:
Hi, I'm Tess. And you would be...?

Sheriff Jack Carter:
Totally screwed...

[Jo returns to the Sheriff's office, and finds Larry locked up in the holding cell]

Deputy Jo Lupo:
[casually] Larry, what are you doing in there?

Larry Haberman:
[angrily and shaking the bars] You put me in here!