Expiration Date

Spy:
[drawing card from Bucket list] Our first dying wish is Scout's! He's... drawn a picture of me getting hit by a car. [examines closely] I have... something radiating off me.

Scout:
Yeah, those are stink lines. [to Heavy] That's why the car hit 'em: because he smells!

Spy:
Yes, I see. [pulls another card] Here you have drawn me having sexual congress with the Eiffel Tower...

Scout:
Heh heh heh.

Spy:
[pulls another card]... Eiffel Tower having sexual congress with me...

Scout:
Heh heh heh.

Spy:
[pulls yet another card]... both of us relaxing, post-coitus...

Demoman:
[mouthing] "Post-coitus"?

Spy:
[continuing]... I'm crying and the Eiffel Tower has stink lines coming off of it, did anyone besides Scout put a card into the bucket?

Scout:
Oh man, classic Scout!

Spy:
Fantastic. This was a huge waste of my time.

Soldier:
You did not read mine!

Scout:
[sighs] Does it say you want the bucket?

Soldier:
Yes!

Spy:
[pushes bucket towards Soldier, lights cigarette] See you all in Hell.

Engineer:
Guys! Hey fellas, listen! It's just bread that gets tumors!

Medic:
Not even tumors! It's some form of self-aware beauty mark zhat only metastasizes in an environment of pure wheat! Here, vatch zhis!

[shakes specimen jar]

Medic:
Oh look! It hates me so much!

Engineer:
So, we're fine! Long as nobody teleports any bread.

Soldier:
Question.

Engineer:
[chuckles] What's your question, Soldier?

Soldier:
I teleported bread.

Engineer:
[upset] What?

Soldier:
You told me to.

Engineer:
[foreboding] How much?

Soldier:
I have done nothing but teleport bread for three days.

Medic:
[urgently] Vhere? Vhere have you been sending it?

[ground shakes as bread monster emerges]

Scout:
[Miss Pauling has just ended their video call to deal with the mess Scout's team made] Lot of people busy with busyness.

Spy:
[passing by, smugly] Asking out that dial tone again, I see.

Scout:
[sitting up and angrily gesturing] Go to hell, Spy.

Engineer:
[after he and the Medic show everyone that teleporting bread gives it tumors] Y'all know what this means right?

Soldier:
[the Soldier suddenly grabs the Scout by the neck and slams him onto the table] Arrghh! We cannot teleport bread anymore!

Engineer:
[the Engineer intervenes] Whoa! Whoa... Not exactly, Soldier. [he places his hand on the Soldier's back and smiles] You teleport as much bread as you like. [he removes his helmet] That goes for all of ya. If there's something any of y'all wanted to do before ya... Well. Died. Now would be a... good time.

Spy:
How long before these... tumors kill us?

Medic:
Vell, let's see. [he gestures, thinking out loud] Ve all use the teleporter, let's say six times a day... Times four years. Minus... ve're not bread. Hmm. Three days. Yes. [zoom in on his face] We all have *three days to live*.

Spy:
[the spy places a bucket of notecards on the table. A literal bucket list] *This* is a bucket.

Soldier:
[examines the bucket] Dear God.

Spy:
There's more.

Soldier:
[astonished] No!

Spy:
[ignoring him] It contains the dying wish of every man here. [turns] Scout. You did collect everyone's dying wish?

Scout:
Oh, you bet!

Spy:
Excellent. Gentlemen, synchronize your death watches.

Spy:
[the Spy has agreed to coach Scout on how to be "better with the ladies". In a small gymnasium, the Spy prepares a rolling cart with a wine bottle, two glasses, a bucket of drumsticks, red roses, a vase, and a box of RED chocolates. He pushes the cart so it rolls to the nervous Scout] [nonchalantly] Seduce me.

Scout:
[the Scout looks back, confused, and turns forward, arms akimbo] You?

Spy:
[pointedly] Seduce me.

Scout:
What, Spy? I ain't gonna...

Spy:
SEDUCE ME!

Scout:
[taken aback] Right! Right. Okay. [He looks down at the cart. He immediately picks up the bucket of fried chicken and lets out a quick sigh] Okay... [He walks up to the Spy] H-hey there, good-lookin... I got a bucket of chicken...

Spy:
[He slaps the chicken out of Scout's hands] I'm not one of your fried chicken tramps! I'm a woman! I like my men dangerous... Mysterious... [Spy takes the a crash dummy into his arms and starts dancing with it briefly before holding it in front of him] You want to be my lover? Earn it! Seduce me!

Scout:
[while everyone is fighting a giant bread monster that came from Soldier's teleporting of bread] Hey, Miss Pauling. Oh, I am so sorry...

Miss Pauling:
[Looking up from the wires of a bomb cart she is trying to program] God, Scout, what for? Pressing the one button you're never supposed to press? Do you have any idea what's in a briefcase that - [she spots the watch on Scout's arm] - Oh, oh! Give me your watch! [She holds her hand out expectantly]

Scout:
Yeah. Exactly! [he gives her the watch] See, that is where this all starts! No, actually, wait...

Soldier:
[he is interrupted by the Soldier screaming and landing nearby them] [proudly] HA HA HA! I TELEPORTED BREAD!

Scout:
[the Soldier is grabbed by one of the monster's tentacles and dragged away]... so that brings me to the point of this story, which is I like you, and you should probably be sitting for this...

Miss Pauling:
GUYS! CLOSE THE BLAST DOORS!

Scout:
Miss Pauling. Look, my last few hours I just wanted...

Heavy:
[Struggling to keep the blast doors open for them to escape through] COME ON!

Scout:
Um, never mind...

Miss Pauling:
RUN!

Scout:
[struggling after they've been "eaten" by the bread monster] Aaahhhh... Ah... Miss Pauling, you all right?

Miss Pauling:
[opening her eyes] I can't feel anything below my neck...

Scout:
Oh God...

Miss Pauling:
Oh. Now I can feel it. Ow. Ow.

Scout:
Oh God, I am so sorry. This is...

Miss Pauling:
That... was so... much... FUN! [a smile forms on her face]

Scout:
[a look of confusion on his face] You're not mad?

Miss Pauling:
[quickly] I was furious. Oh my God, you set off the briefcase alarm and you were having a prom for some reason. But then there was this monster and we shot it and we built a bomb and I think my leg's broken. Can we do this again?

Scout:
Yeah, sure! [He smiles, but frowns upon remembering about the "death watches" they were all given] Wait, nah. We can't. I'm going to be dead.

Miss Pauling:
[Confused] Wait, what?

Soldier:
[poking his head into the cavity] Good news! We're not dying! We are going to live forever!

Medic:
[the Heavy opens up a side of the dead bread monster, letting light in] I didn't say that! I just said we're not filled with tumors!

Scout:
Oh thank God. [relaxes and chuckles]

[last lines]

Scout:
So yeah, Miss Pauling. I guess it's a date.

Miss Pauling:
Actually this is my only day off this year.

Scout:
Oh...

Miss Pauling:
Oh, but you can ride along with me on some jobs. [brings out a flip notebook] Tomorrow... I'm belt sanding the fingerprints off a pile of corpses.

Scout:
Ah, no.

Miss Pauling:
Oh! You can help me yank the molars out of a box full of heads.

Scout:
No to that.

Miss Pauling:
Well, on Friday I've got to kill someone who pressed a briefcase alarm button and... oh, uh [Cut to black] You're already going to be at that one.