Fred Claus

[from trailer]

Nick 'Santa' Claus:
Mom was right about you!

Fred Claus:
Santa's having some trouble getting the sled off the ground? [his mother plugs her ears]

Mother Claus:
[singing] Jingle bells, jingle bells...

Clyde:
You're all fired, in the morning you'll all be on a bus back to Elfistan!

Stephen Baldwin:
[to Fred] You're not Alec!

Fred Claus:
Love's complicated.

Willie:
It hurts.

Willie:
Are you sure you wouldn't be more comfortable on bottom, Fred?

Fred Claus:
To be honest Willie, I don't think it's gonna make much of a difference either way.

Nick 'Santa' Claus:
[after Nick and Fred fight, and crash a snowmobile] I never realized. You hate me.

Fred Claus:
I don't hate you, Nick. I just wish you'd never been born.

DJ Donnie:
I'm from the south side of the north pole man.

Fred Claus:
You're gonna get hooked on that thing. I can see it now. Sixteen thousand bags of Cheetos later, you'll wake up, you're thirty-five, you're overweight, you're crying about your life in front of the soaps. I just did you a favor. You get outside, play around, make some friends, play kick the can, do some athletic stuff, go to school, you're comfortable enough to play sports, you get a partial scholarship, you got any ethnic in your background, any ethnicity in your background? I bet you do. It's America, you know what I mean? Find out what it is and put that down on the application for college. Now all the sudden you get a little extra money on the side, Uncle Sam's none the wiser for it. You take that extra money, you buy a motorcycle with it or something. Be a lady. Maybe meet a guy while you're at school. And then you'll get pregnant with child, it works out with the guy, it doesn't work out with the guy, who cares? You're blessed to have that kid in your life. You're going to be athletic, you're going to be a moderate to lukewarm student, and you're gonna have a child before you graduate college. And who are you going to have to thank for all that? Not the big guy in the red suit, but your pal Fred.

Girl with Plasma TV:
Ugh!

Fred Claus:
Sometimes it hurts to grow.

Nick 'Santa' Claus:
Hey, yeah, welcome, welcome.

Nick 'Santa' Claus:
[to Fred]

Nick 'Santa' Claus:
You are the best big brother anybody could ever ask for

Nick 'Santa' Claus:
Ho-ho-ho!

Mother Claus:
[at Nick's birthday] Time to cut the cake!

Young Fred - 12 Yrs Old:
[comes with a journal with the name "Nicholas" written on the cover] Here you go, Nicholas! I made this for you. Happy Birthday!

Young Nick - 6 Yrs Old:
I thank you, Frederick!

Mother Claus:
That was very nice, Frederick!

[Nicholas takes all his presents and leaves]

Mother Claus:
Nicholas, where are you going?

Young Nick - 6 Yrs Old:
There's a poor orphan named Henry who lives down the road. I'm bringing all my gifts to him. He needs them more than I.

Young Fred - 12 Yrs Old:
Do you really think Henry needs a journal with the name "Nicholas" on the cover?

Mother Claus:
Frederick! It's a sacret thing he does! My little Saint Nicholas!

Narrator:
And so it went for Fred...

Clyde:
Where do you think you're going?

Fred Claus:
Delivering presents.

Clyde:
No you're not! Santa is the only one who can deliver the presents!

Willie:
No, only a Claus can deliver the presents, and that is a Claus.

DJ Donnie:
What up, Brother Fred? Can I get a 'ho ho... '?

Fred Claus:
No.

DJ Donnie:
Ooh, you Scrooge, you lose.

[Fred is about to launch the sleigh, Clyde blocks it]

Fred Claus:
If you don't get out of my way in three seconds, you're going to make me the happiest guy at the North Pole.

Clyde:
You haven't got the *guts*!

[three seconds later, Clyde gets run down by the sleigh]

Willie:
[about Fred's slade driving] Are you sure you've never done this before? Because you drive like an absolute pro... who makes a lot of mistakes.

Fred Claus:
Nick, there's been one thing that's been eating at me since I've been here. That Naughty-Nice List that you got? There's no naughty kids, Nick. They're all good kids. But some of them are scared. And some of them don't feel listened to. Some of them had some pretty tough breaks too. But every kid deserves a present on Christmas.

Willie:
Charlene, do you think it's possible we can make enough gifts to meet our quota?

Charlene:
Baseball bats, lose four seconds, 55... Yeah, it is possible.

Willie:
It is, but, Fred, that's not what the kids asked for.

Fred Claus:
Yeah, but all that matters is that each of the kids get a toy. That they have something that they can open when they wake up in the morning. Most importantly, they all know there's somebody who's thinking about them.