Full Frys

Edvin:
[repeated line, after recieving an order] You mean now?

Edvin:
I'm 45 years old and it's been 45 rough years. Especially the last 40...

Olof von Snorbart:
Excuse me. How do I find Edvin Eriksson?

Sture Bergholm:
Most people find him, cheap, untrustworthy and stupid. How you find him is your decision.

Edvin:
[Edvin is talking about the first time he made moonshine himself while Rasmus and Nillan thinks he is talking about when he had sex for the first time] At least Bernt and I succeded the first time.

Nillan:
You and Bernt?

Larry:
[interested] You and Bernt?

Edvin:
Yes, but we had to keep it up a few hours before something came. But when it came, it was like it was never going to stop running. We made 6 litres. From one batch of moonshine mix.

Nillan:
Rasmus is finally going to become a man.

Edvin:
Oh, really? He's in for surgery?

Larry:
I remember when I ceased to be a virgin. We had been at the movies and went to her place for a cup of tea.

Rasmus:
Her? But I thought you don't like girls?

Larry:
No, no. But that's where I met her brother.

Sture Bergholm:
I hope your cousin Berndt has nothing to do with these prices on minced meat?

Edvin:
Oh yes. He's always got a finger in the butchery business.

Sture Bergholm:
I bet that's the finger I found in my falu sausage yesterday.

Edvin:
You've found it?

Evy:
Sture! We can't miss this. Tonight we can see "The Swan Lake" for just 150 crowns.

Sture Bergholm:
There are swans in the river that we can watch for free.

Edvin:
[to all the customers] You've bought minced crows!

Edvin:
Now it's worse than when it was the worst, and then it was worse than usual.

Sture Bergholm:
I was planning to stay home and watch TV tonight. It's "Mud-wrestling for midgets". It's a good show. *Short* but entertaining.

Evy:
So you won't mind if I go tonight, then?

Sture Bergholm:
Nope, I'm gonna watch TV. A documentary.

Evy:
Really?

Sture Bergholm:
"The History of Finnish Minigolf". [pauses] "Part 2: The Ball".

Helen:
[Helen is planning a dinner for herself, Sture, Evy and Edvin] What do you think Edvin likes?

Evy:
I don't know, but it should probably be fermentated for six weeks first.

Sture Bergholm:
[to Edvin, about the new freezer] Don't you understand that it's this machine from hell that eats electricity and pees ice cream?

Sture Bergholm:
Wait a minute... Where the hell is this freezer from, anyway?

Edvin:
Well, you know, I bought it cheaply from uncle M?rten. He said he found it at Fegen's old burned-down butchery.

Sture Bergholm:
[angry] Is it that freezer?

Edvin:
Yes, it is.

Sture Bergholm:
Damn it, it was that freezer that caused the butchery to burn down!

Edvin:
Yes, it did. But the freezer is in prime condition, said M?rten.

Sture Bergholm:
[Sture is trying to convince Edvin not to join him, Evy and Helen for dinner] It's going to get really boring.

Edvin:
No, I don't think so. We'll talk about old memories. Like when I gave you some of my homemade meatballs? [laughs] Remember the hangover you got?

Sture Bergholm:
[When seeing Larry's Swiss clothes] Not bad, Larry, not bad. At least it's slightly better than the Indian Week when you came dressed as Pocahontas.

Larry:
And Edvin? He came as Gandhi, is that good?

Edvin:
Indians and Indians, it's not that simple.

[Sture and Edvin are looking for each other, believing the shop is being robbed. They are sneaking on each side of a shelf, Sture makes a sound and meows]

[Edvin tries to meow, but makes a hiccup near the end]

Sture Bergholm:
[whispers] Edvin, is it you?

Edvin:
[whispers] No. It's a cat.

Sture Bergholm:
[normal tone] Edvin, cats don't do hiccups.

Edvin:
Mine does.

Edvin:
They said the alarm is so sensitive it goes of for a fly!

Sture Bergholm:
A fly?

Edvin:
Well, one hell of a big fly, but...

Sture Bergholm:
How big?

Edvin:
Well... [pauses] Like a cat...

Edvin:
[checking the alarm] I don't know, I don't know.

Sture Bergholm:
"I don't know". How many times have I heard you say that?

Edvin:
I don't know.

Larry:
You participated in the Marathon?

Edvin:
Yes, but I made the final 40 kilometres by ambulance.

Edvin:
[Sture is stuck in a hole in the wall] I'll go get something to get you out of there with. Sture?

Sture Bergholm:
Yes?

Edvin:
Stay where you are.

Sture Bergholm:
[reading from the list of stolen gourmet food] In two weeks we have lost..."Three boxes of overaged Danish cheese". Who the hell is stupid enough to run around with 6 pounds of Danish cheese on himself?

Edvin:
You were saying?

Sture Bergholm:
Who's stupid enough to run around with 6 pounds of Danish cheese on himself?

Edvin:
Once I ran marathon wearing two wool jumpers and an olefin fiber fur.

Sture Bergholm:
What has that got to do with Danish cheese?

Edvin:
It smells just as god damn awful.

Edvin:
Women can't repair things.

Sture Bergholm:
Really?

Edvin:
I read it in a book.

Sture Bergholm:
*You've* read a book? In that case, it must be "The 100 best ways to hide aquavit".

Edvin:
[surprised] There's a book like that? [leaves]

Sture Bergholm:
Edvin? Where are you going now?

Edvin:
The book shop.

Sture Bergholm:
[reads aloud from the list of what has been stolen from the shop] Hammer-crushed antlion in banana liquer. Chinese giant ants in jelly-like sauce with taste of fish. Worm aspic. Lightly grilled bile from goitre-infected donkey.

[Sture and Edvin are watching the shop during the night]

Edvin:
This is better. It feels so good to sit here. Not like the boss and me, but as Sture and Edvin.

Edvin:
[leans in on Sture's shoulder] I like that.

Edvin:
Yeah, that reminds me of when I was little, I and Nisse used to sit behind the firewood shed and chew tar. Nisse... He later became a

Edvin:
[tries to say "mortician"] mortisos, mortific, mortical... He became a gateguard.

Edvin:
Nisse, he was good at making balloon dogs.

Sture Bergholm:
Shut up! 15 years of work... I mean, if we don't catch the thief tonight, it's finished. 15 years of work which end at McDonalds, doesn't that mean anything to you?

Edvin:
No, I don't like hamburgers.

Rasmus:
But, this guy who steals the gourmet food, does he eat it, or does he sell it?

Nillan:
If he eats it, he's probably dead by now.

Sture Bergholm:
Are you sure you can install an alarm system?

Edvin:
Have I told you I've worked 15 years for a company that installs alarms?

Sture Bergholm:
No.

Edvin:
That was lucky, because that's not true.

[reading "The 100 best ways to hide aquavit"]

Edvin:
I know that one. And I know that one. I've tried that one too, it's...

Edvin:
[turns the page]

Edvin:
[laughs] Ah, it's that one! It won't fool them... And there's that one, I know it. I know that one.

[about the new alarm system]

Edvin:
It cost 3000 and...

Sture Bergholm:
[shocked] 3000? *That's* a theft! What the hell if someone steals it, it must be the most expensive item in the whole store?

Edvin:
That's right. [points to another smaller console] So I bought an alarm for the alarm.

Sture Bergholm:
For another 3000?

Edvin:
No, no.

Sture Bergholm:
[relieved] Good.

Edvin:
4000. They said an alarm-alarm is more advanced.

Sture Bergholm:
Wait a minute... If someone steals the alarm-alarm and then the alarm, it's unprotected.

Edvin:
You think I'm stupid. I also bought an alarm-alarm-alarm.

Sture Bergholm:
Oh, this is just getting worse... You mean that is more advanced than the alarm-alarm?

Edvin:
Exactly, because an alarm-alarm-alarm is a silent alarm.

Sture Bergholm:
Silent... Wait a minute, if they steal the alarm-alarm-alarm...

Edvin:
Which one do you mean, the alarm, the alarm-alarm or the alarm-alarm...

Sture Bergholm:
[suddenly shouts] Who the hell wants to steal an alarm system?

[about the alarm-alarm-alarm]

Sture Bergholm:
Where does the signal go, then? To my home?

Edvin:
What signal?

Sture Bergholm:
The signal from the alarm-alarm-alarm!

Edvin:
Signal? [laughs] If it had a signal it wouldn't be a silent alarm, would it?

Sture Bergholm:
The other pigs must have chewed on your skull when you were born.

[after hearing about the shop's alarm systems]

Sture Bergholm:
The other pigs must've chewed on your skull when you were born. This is the most stupid thing I've ever heard of! Edvin, we'll turn off the alarm and patrol at night ourselves. You'll sit outside in a car and if you see anything suspicious you'll come inside and tell me.

Edvin:
And if you see anything suspicious?

Sture Bergholm:
I'll come outside and wake you up.

[Edvin turns on the alarm and accidentaly breaks the on/off lever]

Edvin:
It broke- [suddenly terrified] It broke! The alarm will go off!

Sture Bergholm:
You said it was a silent alarm!

Edvin:
Not this one! It's an huge speaker that sounds like 20 European greenfinches!

Sture Bergholm:
GREENFINCHES? Why?

Edvin:
They were out of Nightinggale.

Beatrice:
There's no point in trying to come back to me Edvin, because I've nailed the door shut.

Edvin:
[shocked] What? You've found the hammer? Have I been looking for that.

Sture Bergholm:
[Edvin has been found sleeping in Sture's office after his wife has kicked him out] I understand you and your wife didn't quite agree yesterday.

Edvin:
Yes, she told me to go to hell and here I am.

Sture Bergholm:
Two days with Edvin... That's like fourteen days with constipation.

Sture Bergholm:
Big holes in the ground. Burnt car tires. Junk and garbage everywhere! You know what I'm talking about, huh?

Rasmus:
Yes, it's Terminator 2, right? And then, out of the smoking ruins the killer robots appear... [simulates a machine gun]

Sture Bergholm:
Rasmus! I'm talking about our parking area.

Evy:
He needs a doctor. I'll call the golf court.

Edvin:
I understand why you're worried, Sture. Doctors can make some terrible mistakes. Just look at what happened to me when they took my appendix.

Sture Bergholm:
Yes, they took your brain instead.

Edvin:
No, but they can forget things inside you.

Sture Bergholm:
What did they forget inside you?

Edvin:
In my case, it was the appendix.

Sture Bergholm:
I wonder what it's like to work with intelligent people?

Edvin:
Sture will never find this hiding spot. [injects moonshine into an orange] Better than the ammoniac bottles, it tastes awful when mistaken for each other.

Edvin:
[When seeing the picture which looks like Sture demonstrating against his own shop] It's a funny picture.

Sture Bergholm:
Funny picture? I'm demonstrating against my own shop. And you call that funny?

Edvin:
Yes, your zipper is open.

Sture Bergholm:
[looks closer and sees that Edvin's right] Oh no... It can't get any worse now.

Evy:
Oh, yes. Mrs Dolk can see it. [pause] The picture, I mean.

Sture Bergholm:
I should never have allowed Edvin to go to the bathroom.

Evy:
But you did.

Sture Bergholm:
Damn, what was I supposed to do then? Either that or he would have done it on the flowers. I mean, he's already pissed bushes for 18 000 to death.

Edvin:
I've got it! We'll sell the cans to poor families.

Sture Bergholm:
Good. Brilliant!

[suddenly shouting]

Sture Bergholm:
There's cat food in some of them!

Edvin:
[thinks for a moment] Wait! I've got it. We'll sell them to poor families that has a cat!

Sture Bergholm:
This day has begun terribly and it's going worse. I can only hope for the better.

[Mrs Dolk calls for Sture offscreen]

Sture Bergholm:
Hope fades away swiftly.

[Edvin doesn't want to go to the health checkup since he knows they'll find something wrong with him]

Rasmus:
But then again, we could send these cans to the checkup instead of you, they won't be able to tell the difference anyway.

Edvin:
My god, they'll find so many faults in me they'll think I'm dead.

Sture Bergholm:
[angrily] Damn kids!

Evy:
Now what is it?

Sture Bergholm:
When I went to the dry cleaner's to pick up my suit, what happens? Then comes Bertilsson's big and heavy tractor, coming straight at me like a horny moose! I had to throw away the suit and run for my life.

Evy:
What has that got to do with kids?

Sture Bergholm:
Bertilsson's kid was driving.

Evy:
A 6-year can't drive a tractor.

Sture Bergholm:
No, I could tell!

[to Edvin]

Rasmus:
Then again, we could send these cans to the checkup instead of you. They probably won't be able to tell the difference anyway.

Larry:
[while reading a magazine] Incredible. Such lines, such strength.

Edvin:
Do you like combine harvesters?

Larry:
I'm talking about the guy who's driving.

Sture Bergholm:
[the personnel is late for work] Where have they been?

Evy:
They've had an accident.

Sture Bergholm:
My God... Nobody got hurt, I hope?

Evy:
Just Edvin.

Sture Bergholm:
Oh, thank God.

Edvin:
[enters, looking very flusstered after a loud crash has been heard] Bertilsson's tractor! Bertilsson's tractor...

Sture Bergholm:
What about it?

Edvin:
It's very heavy!

Sture Bergholm:
Yes, but what...

Edvin:
It has bad brakes! That damn Bertilsson, he can't repair...

Sture Bergholm:
What about it?

Edvin:
I borrowed Bertilsson's tractor because I was going to go to that god damn lady who has a bike through her head and pay her. And I don't have a BMW... No, I don't have a BMW any longer... I've sold it, you know that... Oh yes, dammit, you bought it. So I parked it up the hill and... There are no parking spots, god dammit...

Sture Bergholm:
We know!

Edvin:
So I parked on top of the hill over here and it... And now it's standing under the roof.

Sture Bergholm:
You can't have it there, you know, that's where I have my BMW.

Edvin:
Yes. Or no. Or yes, it's still there, it's innermost. Very god damn innermost...

Edvin:
What kind of car is it?

Sture Bergholm:
It's a BMW.

Edvin:
How do you spell that?

[about the parking problem]

Sture Bergholm:
Maybe Mrs. Dolk owns some ground that could be used for a parking area.

Edvin:
There's the one right across the street. It could be flattened and asphalted.

Sture Bergholm:
Impossible. That ground has inhabitants who refuse to move.

Edvin:
Really?

Sture Bergholm:
It's actually a graveyard.

Sture Bergholm:
That which is crawling up my leg... Is it small and yellow or long and slimy?

Edvin:
It's long and slimy.

Edvin:
Now let's hope the badger won't bite her!

Sture Bergholm:
What badger?

Edvin:
The badger that's supposed to catch the snake. His name is Sven-Bertil. He's pretty dangerous when he bites, so you'd better not leave this room.

[Miss Dolk screams loudly]

[Sture and Evy are having a fight and Evy runs to the other side of a shelf. Sture stays on the other side, not knowing Edvin is on the other side]

Sture Bergholm:
It's not what it looks like, I hope you understand that.

[Edvin obviously doesn't have an idea what Sture means]

Sture Bergholm:
I understand if you don't want to talk to me, but you must at least give me the chance to explain. One knock for yes and two for no, okay?

[Edvin knocks once]

Sture Bergholm:
Good. Do you remember the first time I bought you flowers?

[Edvin knocks twice]

Sture Bergholm:
No? But it was in Laholm, that romantic kiosk, don't you remember that?

[Edvin knocks twice]

Sture Bergholm:
Don't you remember anything anymore?

[Edvin knocks twice]

Sture Bergholm:
Please, try.

[Edvin thinks for a moment, then knocks once]

Sture Bergholm:
Good. Do you remember when we made love under your balcony?

[Edvin panics, then desperately knocks several times]

Sture Bergholm:
Please, sweetie, we had it so nice together.

Edvin:
[shouts] Sture, what the hell have we done?

[as part of a fake "fruit identification test", Tilda has Sture close his eyes and identify various fruits by feeling on them]

Sture Bergholm:
Pear.

Tilda Dolk:
Right.

[hands him an apple]

Sture Bergholm:
Apple.

Tilda Dolk:
Right again.

[places her head between Sture's hands, making him touch her cheeks]

Sture Bergholm:
Pineapple.

Edvin:
All the bingo cards are identical.

Rasmus:
There's something odd here.

Edvin:
Well, that's easy to solve. Stand over there.

Edvin:
If we draw ball 51 everbody wins.

Edvin:
This is worse than when I pissed in Sture's sauna.

Sture Bergholm:
3 000 couples out there that we're supposed to give a free trip to Greece. It would've been cheaper to take Greece apart and bring it here.