Funny People

Dr. Lars:
It's too early to know who's winning the fight: the medicine or the disease.

George Simmons:
Did anybody ever tell you, you have a very scary accent?

Dr. Lars:
You are a very funny man. I enjoy your movies.

George Simmons:
And I enjoy all of your movies.

Dr. Lars:
[surprised] Which movies?

George Simmons:
The ones where you try to kill Bruce Willis.

George Simmons:
So, Ira Wright? That's not your real name. You're hiding some Judaism.

Ira Wright:
I don't think I can hide that. My face is circumcised.

Mark:
When my grandfather died, there was one candle next to his bed. And the candle started flickering. We all thought it was him going to Heaven, you know?

Leo:
You don't pass through fire to get to Heaven. I think he went to Hell.

Clarke:
Have you worked with Cameron Diaz? That girl is hot, isn't she? F***! [laughs, then looks at Laura] What? She's on my free pass list. Who's on yours?

Laura:
George.

Clarke:
[points at George] This George?

George Simmons:
Look out.

Laura:
Yeah.

Clarke:
Oh, well, I'll just have Cameron then. On her surfboard.

George Simmons:
Is your act just designed to make sure no girl will ever sleep with you again? All you f***in' talk about is jacking off and farting. You think a girl's gonna come up to afterward and be like 'Oh, would you just jack off for me and then fart in my face?' That's f***in' insane. Do you want to get laid, ever?

Mark:
Don't put me in this position where I have to f*** my way out of a corner!

Leo:
He'll do it too. I've seen him.

James Taylor:
F*** Facebook!

George Simmons:
Are you mad that you died at the end of Die Hard?

Laura:
No cussing in your standup.

George Simmons:
That takes out half of my act.

Leo:
If you put "cute kitten" in the title of your YouTube video, you're gonna get a million hits. And then I link that to my website and you can see my stand-up on my website. It's genius.

Ira Wright:
Why don't you just call it like, "Megan Fox Blows Someone"? And then more people would Google that.

Leo:
You son of a b*tch! Why didn't you tell me George Simmons wanted us to write jokes for him?

George Simmons:
So I'm guessing your friend is the fat version of you.

Mark:
I can't belive this, I'm opening up to you, and you're making fun of a serious moment in my life.

Leo:
Go lose 20 more pounds, you son of a b*tch!

George Simmons:
I want you and your triple XL friend to write jokes for me.

Ingrid:
I like the movie where you have a baby's body.

George Simmons:
So you like Re-Do.

Laura:
I used to do a lot of TV, like 90210. I always played bitchy parts.

Ira Wright:
You must have been a good actress, because you don't seem like a b*tch to me.

Mark:
[sarcastically] Oh, I'm sorry my $25,000 check is such an inconvenience for your pillow.

George Simmons:
So, which room is yours?

Ira Wright:
Prepare to take a hike, because you're standing in it.

Mark:
If you don't have sex with Daisy in 10 days, I will.

George Simmons:
I'm surprised nothing happened with you and that girl.

Ira Wright:
She told me she had a boyfriend.

George Simmons:
She told me the same thing, when she was sucking my cock.

Dawn:
[while having sex with George] Do the Mer-man!

Mark:
Did you know that Leo played a part on Yo, Teach?

Ira Wright:
Yes I did.

Mark:
So you saw it?

Ira Wright:
[while watching Yo, Teach with Laura's kids] Do you guys even like this show?

Mable, Ingrid:
No.

Leo:
Why don't you go suck George Simmons's cock?

George Simmons:
I know you want the Mer-Man poster.

Ira Wright:
I liked Mer-Man.

George Simmons:
Five year olds like Mer-Man.

Ira Wright:
I thought it was genius.

George Simmons:
[In Re-Do] I took care of you when you were a baby, now have to do the same for me.

George Simmons:
All your jokes were about masturbating and farting.

Ira Wright:
I can't believe you slept with her.

Mark:
I gave you an extra 11 days.

Daisy:
[Joining in the conversation] What are you guys talking about?

Ira Wright:
Nothing, don't worry about it. Stupid guy stuff.

Eminem:
What exactly are we celebrating here?

Dr. Lars:
Now do you trust my accent?

George Simmons:
Yes I do.

George Simmons:
Daniel Day-Lewis would have torn that scene apart.

George Simmons:
Don't cry, you're making a scene. Everyone will think I broke up with you.

Chuck:
You're not funny. You look funny, but you're not funny.

George Simmons:
Good news, Bonita. I went to the doctor today. He said I was doing better.

Bonita:
That's good, Mr. Simmons. I found the pants you were looking for. They were in the closet.

Leo:
I can't believe George Simmons is dying. I grew up on his movies.

George Simmons:
Don't say chilling.

George Simmons:
Don't say ASAP.

Leo:
I just came back from the new Harry Potter movie. Harry's getting old. They should start calling him Harold Potter.

George Simmons:
You're my best friend, and I don't even like you.

Ira Wright:
F*** Facebook in the face!

Ira Wright:
I masturbate so much with hand cream, I forget people use it for sh*t other than masturbating. Literally, when I'm in public and I see someone pull out hand cream, I'm like "This guy's about to jerk off!"

Ira Wright:
Would you f*** my roommate if he was James McAvoy or Jude Law?

Daisy:
Probably.

Chuck:
Otto's my Lotto.

George Simmons:
[at the end of song to comedy club audience] George Simmons soon will be gone, and he's not going to miss any of you people at all. We've always had a strained relationship. You always wanted too much from me, and I'm very mad at you.

Leo:
I wanna put my eye-glasses on your a**hole so it looks like you're blowing me when I f*** you in the ass, you *jerk*.

George Simmons:
My balls are for everyone.

Leo:
It's not my fault your grandpa is playing backgammon with Hitler.

Ira Wright:
I'm going up at the Comedy & Magic Club doing stand-up. You should come watch me.

Deli Manager:
Don't let him suck you in. He's not funny.

Chuck:
Nah, he's right man. No way, man. That sh*t was painful. I mean, it was hard watching you suffer up there. I had f***ing nightmares after that.

Ira Wright:
That was a long time ago. That was months ago. I've gotten a lot funnier since then.

Chuck:
Then you bored my wife to sleep. I couldn't get no p*ssy that night, man.

Ira Wright:
Don't blame me for your p*ssy issues.

Ira Wright:
Do you ever get tired of singing the same songs, you know, over and over?

James Taylor:
Do you ever get tired of talking about your dick?

George Simmons:
You wanna f*** these girls?

James Taylor:
I filled my quota in 1982, I believe.

Tom Anderson:
Now, do you actually use MySpace?

George Simmons:
No, I f*** girls, Tom. I don't have time for that.

Ray Romano:
[regarding George's illness] How did he know he had it?

Ira Wright:
He said he was feeling dizzy and tired. So he went to the doctor, and it was in his blood work.

Ray Romano:
That sucks, 'cause I get dizzy and tired. Anybody gets sick and I think I'm gonna get it. Is it contagious? It's not contagious, is it?

Ira Wright:
No. No, I've been around him a lot. I feel fine.

Ray Romano:
Okay, 'cause when you were talking, a little bit of your spit hit my lip. Not that you got it, but he spits on your lip, you spit on mine, and the next thing you know, I'm dead, and my wife's f***ing George Lopez.

Ira Wright:
One of my roommates told me that he was Joe Pesci's son, I believed him for three years. I still get sh*t about that.

Daisy:
I am sick of these guys' rap songs. They say 'Girl, drop it like it's hot', 'Shake it'. I want to make a rap song that says 'Boy, brush your teeth, give me your jacket, I'm f***ing freezing.'

Eminem:
You know what? I think you f***ed up.

George Simmons:
How's that?

Eminem:
I think you f***ed up. I think... I don't think you should have took that medicine.

George Simmons:
Why not?

Eminem:
I don't know. Personally, I think you should have just let yourself die. Honestly man, what are - what are gonna do now? Make another bullshit movie? F*** another chick who doesn't like you? You know? That was your way out right there.

George Simmons:
Mmm.

Eminem:
Now you're f***ing stuck.

George Simmons:
Yeah.

Eminem:
You're stuck, just like me. Can't go to f***ing Chuck E. Cheese. I can't go to Target, I can't go to Best Buy. I can't go to f***ing Wal-Mart, K-Mart. You f***ing name it, I can't go there.

Eminem:
Everyone in this f***ing room is either staring at us, wanting to take a f***ing picture.

Ira Wright:
[Ira takes a picture of Eminem and George from across the room] Yeah. Got it.

Ray Romano:
E-mail that to me.

Ira Wright:
I will. That's awesome.

Ray Romano:
Yeah.

Eminem:
Who the f*** is that guy right there?

Eminem:
[Eminem points at Ray] That f***ing guy right there.

George Simmons:
What? Ray Romano's bothering you?

Eminem:
Who? Ray, Ray who?

George Simmons:
Ray Romano, the guy from Everybody Loves Raymond.

Eminem:
I don't give a f*** what show he's on. I'll f*** this motherf***er up, man!

George Simmons:
Hey.

Eminem:
Hey, Ray!

Ray Romano:
Hello, Marshall.

Eminem:
F***ing problem here, buddy?

[Ray shakes his head confused]

Eminem:
Would you like to f*** me? Is that what this is?

Ray Romano:
[to Ira] I don't get it, man. What's going on?

Eminem:
Would you like me to f***ing bend over for you right now?

Ira Wright:
[whispering] Say no.

Ray Romano:
No, man.

Eminem:
[to George] I just gotta always be on my toes, man. You know?

George Simmons:
I see that, but not with Ray Romano.

Ray Romano:
[to Ira] This is why I don't go out of the house.

Ira Wright:
I thought everybody loved you.

George Simmons:
Am I not allowed to be happy or something? I've been living alone and alone and alone. That's my life. This is the only girl I've ever loved and I'm not supposed to do anything about this? When am I supposed to be happy? Why does everyone else get to be happy?

Ira Wright:
Look, George, I'm just gonna tell you this, as a friend. From where I'm sitting it seems like your happiness might be coming at the cost of destroying this family.

George Simmons:
I can give you my fax number and my e-mail. What's your e-mail?

Ira Wright:
My e-mail? It's... uh... irasexira@yahoo.com.

George Simmons:
Uh, Wow. I'm just... I'm starting to reconsider asking you.

Ira Wright:
Don't do that. It's from high school. It was funny then.

George Simmons:
Yeah, you should change it.

Ira Wright:
It's, like, 13 years old. Okay, I will.

George Simmons:
I mean change it now.

Ira Wright:
Okay, I'll change it, I'll change it ASAP.

George Simmons:
Okay, don't say "ASAP," either. And don't say "I'm chilling" or "It's all good" or any of that stuff.

Ira Wright:
Okay, I don't. I don't chill anyway, so I won't. And it's not all good, so don't worry.

George Simmons:
[sung] F*** George Simmons. He has a medium-sized penis. He f***ed so many girls and yet no one remembers. When he's done f***ing them, the girl just lays there and says "I should have f***ed Jean-Claude Van Damme instead of you."

Clarke:
Have you worked with Cameron Diaz? That girl is hot, isn't she? F***!

Clarke:
What? She's on my free pass list. Who's on yours?

Laura:
George.

Clarke:
[points at George] This George?

George:
Look out.

Laura:
Yeah.

Clarke:
Oh, well. I'll just have Cameron then. On her surfboard.